CHAPTER TWELVE

"Well, that’s it, we’ve done everything on the list," Isaac smiled, he dropped down onto his bed in an exhausted way, reached over to the Sony Discman on the cabinet and turned on his Avenging Angels CD.

Zac was sitting on his bed trying to read, it was after nine, and finally, the last night of their being in Scotland. "We should be home by this time tomorrow night," Zac said in a relieved way.

"Looking forward to getting home?" Taylor asked, he was sitting in front of the television watching a rerun of Cybill. "I thought you liked it here…"

I do, but I don’t like being here with that creep around, Zac thought. Oh, god…he’s coming back for me tonight, suddenly shot into his head. His fear rising. He’d been able to ignore it for most of the day, up through lunch at McDonalds and the interview with the woman from the Edinburgh Evening News. Phoning childline had given him a sense of courage for a while, just talking about it had helped a lot, but now it seemed to make it ten times worse. Now, Zac was terrified, he knew that if his brothers happened to leave him alone for just the minutes, then Don would have him – probably kill him.

Zac got up and headed for the bathroom, he needed to cry and he didn’t want to let his brothers see this. He stepped in and closed the door, and looked at himself in the mirror, just as tears rolled down his cheeks. He felt so used and humiliated, and what was worse, Don was threatening to rape him, and by the crazed look in Don’s eyes, Don would actually do it too. Don was psycho, and Zac knew it. He was a child abuser, a child molester, a bastard. There was no real definition of what he was, he just was.

Zac dreaded it, the thought of what Don was going to do to him tonight, he knew Taylor was planning on leaving the room soon to go call their mother to tell her that everything was set, they’d see her tomorrow night. Something told Zac that Isaac would go with Taylor – and Zac didn’t have the nerve to go with them – even if it was for his own safety, because if he had to speak to his mother, and his mother asked why Zac didn’t seem so good lately – Zac knew he’d start crying.

Zac stared at his own dark-brown eyes, they’d lost their glitter. "Is this my life?" He asked himself softly in a whisper. "Is this what I’m here for?"

End it now, Zac, don’t let Don do this to you, Zac thought at himself, furious tears poured down his cheeks as he reached for Isaac’s Gillette razor. He slammed the front of the thing – unable to get it open with his nails – and the thing came apart, the razor fell into the shell shaped sink, and he picked it up carefully. "I can’t take it anymore," he whispered to himself, and let out a loud sob. He pressed the razor to his wrist and was about to cut.

Then Isaac and Taylor entered his thoughts.

What about them?

Zac lowered the blade, and leaned down on the sink. He thought about his brothers and how much they probably loved him, how they needed him in the band, and then Zac thought of his father, how would he react finding a dead son? And what about his mother back in Tulsa – and his brother and two sisters? How would they react? Zac dropped the razor into the sink and sighed, tears still streaming down his cheeks. There was no way out. It was either kill himself and hurt his family, or put up with what was going to happen tonight and face humiliation and hurt for the rest of his life.

If no one else would understand, Ike would, Zac considered. Zac wanted Isaac to be there, to lean into his shoulder and cry, hold onto his brother tightly and scream for him to never let him go, never let him get hurt again. Isaac would do that, but Zac didn’t really think he could go through the humiliation of telling his older brother that their bodyguard had molested him, and had assaulted him, and was planning on doing worse to him tonight.

Zac opened the door very slightly and silently and peered out. Isaac and Taylor were toy-fighting on the floor, Taylor’s cries of ‘homo!’ were drowned out by ‘Jerk!’ from Isaac. Zac suppressed a slight smile, and leaned over, watching them through the tiny gap in between the door and the skirting.

"Hey, Tay," Isaac hauled himself up onto a bed.

"Yeah?" Taylor was stretched out on his back on the floor, taking deep breathes to gain back that of which he’d lost during the toy-fight.

"Zac’s been in there a long time…" Isaac said.

Zac looked at Isaac’s face, Isaac’s best feature was his eyes, because they always told how he was feeling, and right now, Zac could read Isaac’s eyes as concerned and almost hurt.

Zac leaned against the wall, leaving the door just slightly ajar, listening.

"He’s been acting weird all week," Taylor mumbled softly, in a half whisper. "Its like…I dunno, he’s going through some kind of crisis or something that he’s scared to tell us about," Taylor paused, then grinned. "Maybe it is what you thought – puberty."

"Puberty doesn’t cause kids to sit silent for hours on end," Isaac put his hands in his lap. "And he hit me, I know Zac has a tendency to get a little physical sometimes, but…not like that, you know."

Taylor shrugged.

Zac decided to step into the bedroom then. So after wiping his tears away he stepped into the bedroom and looked at his brothers, they looked guilty for some reason.

They don’t need to be guilty, Zac thought. Sure they were talking about me behind my back but they’re worried.

Isaac stared up at Zac from where he was sitting, his eyes squinted as if he were trying to focus. "Zac…you’ve been crying," Isaac stated worriedly.

Zac reached up, his cheeks were clammily dry, but probably tearstained. "Uh…no, I haven’t," he lied.

Isaac got up, and walked over, he looked down at Zac. "Okay, so if you weren’t crying, what's that on your cheek?"

"I don’t know," Zac shrugged and moved away.

Taylor just watched Zac’s every move.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Zac demanded, a little freaked by the way his brothers were watching him closely.

"Looking at you like what?" Isaac asked.

"Like you’re feeling sorry for me or something!" Zac whined, he took a few steps back. "I don’t want to be felt sorry for, Ike! I just want…" Zac trailed off, lowering his head, the tears came out then and he didn’t want them to, he tried to wipe them away before Isaac would see but it didn’t help, a fresh set of tears continued to fall.

"Zac…what's bothering you?" Isaac stepped forward and was about to put his hand on Zac’s shoulder.

Zac saw what Isaac was going to do – and he immediately stepped back two feet.

"What is it?" Isaac looked at Zac, his expression filled with confusion and concern. "I wasn’t going to hit you or anything…" Isaac stepped forward and attempted this again.

"Leave me alone…" Zac recoiled from Isaac’s reach, and backed against the wall, he tried to look casual, but he was afraid that both his brothers could see the fear in his eyes.

Isaac and Taylor looked at each other, then Taylor got up from the floor and walked over slowly, giving Zac a sympathetic look.

"Zac…is the strain of this getting to you or something?" Taylor asked. "If it is…just tell us, we know how it feels…lord knows, you’ve been taken down by stress, we don’t want to you getting any worse…if you can’t handle anymore, we could take a break for a month or so…"
"Its not that," Zac shook his head, trying to force back the tears that kept coming.

"Then what?" Isaac demanded in a hurt voice. "Zac, you have to tell us, because we can’t just sit and watch you cracking under the strain of whatever it is…"

Zac walked off – in between Isaac and Taylor, and they turned and watched him.

Zac didn’t care what his brothers would say, he needed a cigarette to calm his nerves, he knew it was helping, and he swore he’d stop the moment he got back to Tulsa. He seemed to remember Taylor giving a similar promise the first day in Edinburgh.

Zac searched into his backpack, wiping his tears with one hand, he brought out the cigarettes with the other.

"Hey…those are—" Taylor was about to say, but Isaac made him be silent by putting his hand on his shoulder.

Both boys watched as their twelve year-old brother lit up a cigarette and took a puff, his hands were shaking, his eyes darting nervously.

"Zac?"

"Don’t ask, okay?" Zac looked guiltily up at his oldest brother. "Just leave me to it, please," he added, and he took another puff, closing his eyes as he exhaled the smoke with a soft cough.

Isaac didn’t know quite how to react to this, so he did his best to stand still watching, Taylor remained mostly the same way. "Ummm…" Taylor broke the long silence when Zac had almost finished the cigarette. "So we know things are getting to you…its obvious…" Taylor sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Nothing’s as obvious as it seems, Tay," Zac said bitterly, and looked away. "I’ve had it up to here, I want to go home, I can’t wait until tomorrow," Zac lowered his eyes to his shaking hands, the cigarette lodged in between his index and middle finger.

"I think you’ve had enough of that," Taylor reached over and took the cigarette. "So…why are you so desperate to get home?" he asked, dropping the cigarette into an almost empty coke can and listening to cold liquid put it out with a ‘sssssst’.

Zac stood up, still shaking. "I…I just have to get away…" he said, his voice coming out in a whine. "I need to get away, I have to get away…please," he pleaded of his brothers incoherently, he was close to begging on his knees for safety.

"Zac…um…I’m not finding this funny," Isaac stated, for one moment, it seemed that Zac was only fooling around, but then as Isaac looked he could see Zac’s fear, and his heart just about stopped, he’d never seen his brother looked so scared. "Zac…"

"Its not supposed to be funny!!!" Zac screamed, shoving Isaac hard in the chest. "I have to get away!" he screamed. And irrationally, he didn’t know why, he dashed towards the door and pulled it open, he sped out into the hallway, heading for the elevator, he shot in and slammed his hand on the buttoned panel and the elevator began moving, he snuggled down into the corner, and began screaming hysterically. Don had driven him totally insane. Hot tears burned at Zac’s eyes, he was shaking violently, the thought of what Don would do to him if he found him. What struck Zac was that his father and Don were actually sharing a room. Zac found that disgustingly horrid, that his father slept in the same room as this man – and didn’t even know what he’d done.

The elevator stopped, Zac lifted his head, frowning. "What the—" he asked aloud, and then his heart stopped the doors opened, and an unsuspecting Don, Don’s eyes lit up though the moment he saw Zac.