by the ever-suffering T.K. Dunncan
Somebody here at PO! has to watch the clunkers and I reckon that someone is me. Spurned on by the Liam Neeson fans on the staff, I set my resolve on surviving the one of the worst fantasy films around and sat through it more than wince-er-once. What follows is a peek at an early Peter Yates/Neeson collab: KRULL ...So join me, if you dare, for silliness beyond compare.
The first thing one notices about KRULL -besides James Horner’s second most annoying soundtrack after TITANIC-is how many STAR WARS, EXCALIBUR, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, ROBIN HOOD like moments that screenwriter Stanford Sherman placed in this movie. The opening sequence is right out of A NEW HOPE as we see the villainous Beast’s Black Fortress -actually a black mountain peak- somehow flying though space (one must know now that KRULL supposively takes place neither in the past nor the future, but it looks awfully medieval to me with a few very SW-like aspects). And as the peak does the fly by past the cameras this shot is identical to the star destroyer seen flying over Tatooine in pursuit of Princess Leia’s ship.
Now the Beast and his army, the WRATH OF KHAN like parasites-the Slayers-ursurp planet after planet for no reason other than conquest. When suddenly, after kicking so many planet’s populus’ bottoms, the Beast decides he wants a wife. So he heads off to the very Cumbria-like planet of KRULL where Princess Lyssa 
(a weak Leia wanna-be who is really just a damsel in distress with a very flat voice) is about to marry the Prince of an opposing kingdom, the Errol Flynn-Han Solo-Luke Skywalkerish Colwyn (Ken Marshall).
Why? Do you ask, or in reality do you care? To naturally create one kingdom that will fight against the Beast and his army. Before they can complete their vows, the Slayers attack abducting Lyssa and decimating all but Colwyn. Seems our hero is now King since both his and Lyssa’s fathers kicked the bucket during the fight.
Enter the overacting Obi-Wan Kenobi/Merlin-like character Ynis.
After healing the whining Colwyn (whose complaints are almost as shrill as Horner’s crappy soundtrack), the two set off to save Lyssa and KRULL. In order to do this, Colwyn needs to acquire the Glaive; an EXCALIBUR like weapon which can only be wielded by the right man. The Glaive looks like a throwing star and is controlled by, what appears to be Force-like manipulation and commands (but I am getting way ahead of myself...). After retrieving the Glaive from molten lava (which really looked more like a boiling Orange Julius shake), Colwyn and Ynis set out to find the information they need to rescue Lyssa.
Now since KRULL has been nothing but ‘serious’ up to this point, Sherman decided to add another very annoying component to the brew. The idiotic and utterly unwatchable shape-shifting magician Ergo the Magnificent, (Here’s our non-stop grousing C3PO character, who is nowhere near as endearing as the droid). While the shape-shifting FX are very cool for the time (as are some of the characters we will meet later), you just want Ergo to get off the screen in a big hurry. Saving the trio’s skins from Slayers is a solitary cyclops Rell who doesn’t make himself known to the group until a couple of reels later. However he’s mentioned here because he almost gives Ergo a coronary (shame he didn’t).
After about a half an hour of this mess, we finally get to the best acted characters. Travelling through a canyon of sorts, the trio happen upon a band of escaped prisoners. Headed up by Torquil and his "merry men." The bandits are kept in check by Torquil’s second-in-command, the Little John-like Kegan (Liam Neeson in a funny, almost scene-stealing turn). 
It’s interesting just how much director Yates dotes on Liam (that’s why Kim and RJ like this movie ;)). The young Irish thesp obviously made a great impact with his performance, inspiring Yates to fight for Neeson’s slot in the duo’s vastly superior crime drama SUSPECT years later. It’s pretty funny to hear Kegan’s groans of disapproval and he, along with Torquil, gets the choice lines. The bandits are the most fleshed out and interesting of the characters, you really would have rather have a seen a story with them alone, now that you’ve met them, rather than wince through Colwyn, Lyssa, Ynir and-gasp-Ergo. It should also be noted that talented Brit comedian/thesp Robbie Coltran is amongst the thieves, an unhappy character named Rhun.
After winning over Torquil and his band, Colwyn and company set out to find the Black Fortress. They will need the help of the blind Emerald Seer and so off they go in search of the Seer’s habitude. Finding it, Colwyn, Ergo, Ynir and Torquil go inside to request the aid of the Seer (who looks like your typical Father Time/Merlin-like white beard). He tries the gleam the information but darn that Beast, who does not like pesky Seers jumping into his business, thwarts off the nosy brood. It is then revealed that the group must travel to the Emerald Temple, a place where the Beast cannot reach them. 
Torquil, his robber instincts a go, snatches some emeralds from the Seer’s cache before they leave his digs to meet up with the rest of Colwyn's clatch. Also joining them is the Seer’s young charge, a little boy named Titch who befriends Ergo (Why?! Why?!) after the snotty shape-shifter demands candy from the boy and gets something that looks suspiciously like a Yodel instead.
Into the swamp where the Emerald Temple awaits they go. And here Kegan gets another funny line when Torquil shows him the ‘emeralds’ he’s nicked from the Seer, they're worth a forune the head thief insists. Says Kegan: “Maybe to someone who is very nearsighted...” and he laughs as does the Seer, as we see the ‘emeralds’ have turned to stone. D’oh! It should be noted that in this swamp scene, Colwyn says something very much like what Luke said to Yoda at the tree cave on Dagobah. “It stinks of death...” grouses the young King. After losing a bandit to the quicksand, the company must fight Slayers. This is where Rell the cyclops (another interesting character) joins the group. Naturally, for the screenwriter has inserted this, the Emerald Seer is left unprotected and surprise, gets killed by a Changeling Slayer who has taken his form. The band victorious, the Changeling Seer offers to take Colwyn to the Temple, while everyone else but Rell stays close behind. Rell uncovers the real Seer’s corpse in the quicksand and saves Colwyn’s life by killing the shape-shifter. I have neglected to mention another cheesy STAR WARS like nod. The weapons of both the Slayers (which sort of look like Force pikes) and the company emit laser blasts when contact is made or the Slayers shoot at something. The evil shots are blue while the good are red. And you didn’t think we’d catch that screenwriter trying to be clever by altering the color of the beams? Bah! Also the Slayers have this silly looking quasi-futuristic body armor on, while everyone else is dressed in medieval finery.
Having lost the lead to learn the location of the Black Fortress the company, dejected, lumbers along the countryside following Ynir to a clearing. There the old man says he may know of another source of information. The-gasp-Widow of the Web. Just like a Black Widow; all who go there die. So off Ynir goes (yes! one less annoying character) in search of his Obi-Wan like sacrifice-his-life-on-the-Death-Star bit leaving tbe band to their own devices. Being too tired to hunt, Torquil asks his good friend Kegan if any of his wives live around the area. WIVES?!? Whoa... Kegan, Kegan, Kegan. 
To which, a pensive Kegan lost in thought replies “yes. “ Colwyn laughs and asks just how many wives our man Kegan has all around KRULL. “Oh 7 or 8 at last count.” Since he sojourns around a bit, the man made sure he has a wife in each corner of KRULL! While the company eat and make merry in Kegan’s old lady’s territory, we see a strange young woman mucking about, our Kegan ticks off wife # whatever when he asks who this new girl is (she’s another changeling after Colwyn). The missus is none too happy and gets a hilarious reply from Kegan: “But Petal,” he protests, “Faithful is my middle name...” It’s funny in the way Neeson delivers it, completely comedic while dripping with a deadpan sarcasm. Cut to: THE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST tangent kicks in again, as-yawn-we are forced to watch Lyssa running through set after obvious set which is supposed to be the Beast’s Black Fortress. He tries to woo her with power, but after seeing that he is nothing more than a silly-looking HUMANOID FROM THE DEEP/CREATURE OF THE BLACK LAGOON knock-off, she refuses his advances, wanting only Colwyn. When they both see the female changeling has failed in killing Colwyn, the Beast presses onward. And again the monotone Princess says “No.” Zzzzzzz. C’mon there screenwriter give the girl some spunk huh! (Not in this movie-dead.)
Ynir travels to the Widow of the Web’s lair and after a too-long exchange betwixt them, finds the information but sacrifices his life in the process. He returns to the group, yelling the Beast’s whereabouts before, thankfully, dropping dead. See the Black Fortress changes positions at every dawn, so the company must get to the current location before the Tatooine suns-ah-twin suns-rise. Wince, yes wince. Then Rell suggests they nab a few Fire Mares; horses that can travel a thousand leagues in a day. Now these steedettes are Budweiser beer-looking
clydesdale horses who travel very fast, both on land and air while leaving a fiery trail behind them. Rell stays behind believing this will be the time of his death.
Meanwhile, everyone else gets to the Fortress just in time. A few men including Rhun are killed as they attempt to get inside the Fortress, but wait here comes Rell to save the day yet again (I guess it wasn't his time to die while rounding up the horses hmmm). Holding opening a Fortress doorway so that the company can get in, but he dies, caught in between as the doors close. Moments later Kegan dies blocking a shot meant for Torquil. Yates honors the fallen bandit by lingering on his body for a few seonds before pressing on. Faster than you can say TEN LITTLE INDIANS only Colwyn, Titch, Ergo and Torquil are left. Colwyn finally whips out the Glaive which he first uses to cut through the walls of the room where Lyssa is being held. They flee and run into the Beast. Thus the fight between Colwyn and the Beast begins. In one of the movie’s most unintentionally funny moments, we see Colwyn manipulating the Glaive by what can only be described as Force-usage. It’s so funny, it’s sad. And STAR WARS fans will either laugh or be terribly insulted by this bastardized use of the living Force...the Beast buys the farm after he sees the young couple finish their wedding vows (like get his bottom kicked by the Glaive wasn't enough ho-hum, while our heroes flee and yes, unfortunately this includes Ergo (Torquil smart man that he is actually suggested that they leave Ergo behind). The Black Fortress falls to pieces (actually ascending pieces, probably one of the worst FX shots in the film). The movie ends with the lovers together, Torquil now King Colwyn’s Lord Marshall and Ergo moaning away.
Whoopie do. What we really needed right at this moment, was one of those groans from Kegan. A totally anti-climatic ending to a very silly movie. A few good moments, dialog and characters save KRULL from completely biting.
And hey, it’s marginally better than THE BEAST MASTER but I would to the Liam Neeson completists rent this one (because he was a lot of fun to see in the part), and for STAR WARS fans in need of MST3K fodder...No wait, I'm not finished! I almost forgot yet another bow to STAR WARS: compare the poster art for both and see how many details on the KRULL illustration mimic those of the original Hilderbrant A NEW HOPE art. The folks behind KRULL must have thought that we, the film-going public have VERY short term memories. On that note, this retro is complete, and if I see this film again I hope it's only a montage featuring Torquil, Kegan and the rest of their merry men.
For more on a few Liam Neeson movies you may want to rent before you see EPISODE ONE.
A peek at the original DARKMAN the Sam Raimi/Liam Neeson Horror-live-action-comic-flick
KRULL images ©1983 Colubmia Pictures. KRULL .wav files ©1983 Columbia Pictures, gleamed from Those Weird Things...web site