HUMOR Subpage-Positive Mental Focus-Part 3


Getting a Kick out of Life! :)

1. "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

2. "There aren't enough days in the weekend."

3. "And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."

4. "I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

5. "Sometimes I...No, I don't."

6. "I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing."

7a. "A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better..."

7. "The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree."

8. "My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them."

9. "The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

11. "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."

12. "I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger."

13. "I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job."

14. "Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it..."

15. "Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

16. "Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?""

17. "I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car..."

18. "My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old."

19. "There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air..."

20. "I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes

20a. "One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

21. "I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

22. "I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'"

23. "I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

24. "I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"

25. "I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!"

26. "Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."

28. "I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic."

29. "I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

30. "Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time."

31. "I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles."

32. "I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

33. "I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

34. "I like to skate on the other side of the ice ..."

35. "I like to reminisce with people I don't know ..."

36. "I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ... "

37. "Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...

39. "Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

40. "I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

41. "I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it."

42. "I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!"

44. "(Ad he did for a local student radio station:) Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me..."

45. "When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually."

46. "I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

47. "I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

48. "I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing."

49. "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."

50. "I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store--- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."

50a. "All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night... I was teasing them first by watering them with ice cubes."

51. "One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

52. "I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle."

53. "My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."

54. "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

55. "For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out..."

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