She walked into the classroom, filled with frivolity in the air, which was provided every day by her peers. As she hurried to find her seat in the back of the room, one of the many young men who taunted her to the point where tears streamed down her pallid face for the past 3 years of their high school career, thwart her next move in an imminent manner.
"ROXANNE!!! You don't have to put on the RED LIGHT!" he began to croon the old tune by The Police. The room broke out in laughter. Others shouted, "Haha, yeah, you WHORE!"
She remained heedless, as she passed by the sad excuse of a singer and made her way to her seat. He sat in his seat, which was in front of hers, and turned towards her.
"So, Roxanne, I see you're wearing a KoRn shirt."
She sighed. "Yes, yes I am, Tommy." she muttered under her breath, as her hands raced through her U.S. Government notebook, looking for last night's homework.
"Yeah, KoRn-" she sighed once more, expecting to hear his usual comment that KoRn sucked. However, she was placed in a stupor as she heard him say, "Rocks." Her soft green eyes wondered up to his in disbelief.
"What?" she whispered.
"Yeah! KoRn rocks, dude. I love that song of theirs...uh...what is it called..'Got the Good Life' or something. And that other one, you know, the video with the flying bullet? Man, that song kicks ASS! And that new one, 'It's Falling From Me', that song isn't as good as the other too, but it's ok. The video is stupid as hell, though. I mean, what the fuck? Their sending out a bad message. They're saying whenever some girl is getting the shit beat out of her by her alcoholic of a dad, they're going to magically appear in her bedroom and save her. That's never going to happen. That's just so stupid."
Roxanne lost all sensibility, as from the complete and utter shock which she just endeared.
"Do...what? You like them? You like a song of theirs? TWO songs of theirs?" She mumbled.
Tommy rolled his eyes. "Yeeeeaaaaaah?? Didn't you hear me? Dumb bitch."
He turned forward as the teacher walked into the room. Heart broken and feeling no longer unwonted, Roxanne's face became flushed.
Before the teacher could speak, the principle bellowed over the intercom that all students were to report to the gymnasium for a pep rally to celebrate the school football team's latest victory, after winning against their local rival, James City High School. As her peers began to cheer around her and hastily pick up their book bags, flinging them over their shoulders and heading towards the door, she moaned in aggravation. She took her time replacing her notebooks in to her empty book bag and walked towards the door. Hoping to find a spot on the bleachers where she could spend the pep rally by her self, hopefully getting some more sleep, she walked by precipitately, however, in the hall, bumping into the ones she hated without regret, and receiving a dirty look while doing so. Finally she arrived in front of one of the many doors that lead inside the gymnasium. She walked by the cheerleaders and turned her head while doing so, trying to avoid the beautiful, quite busty bleach dyed blondes and their exulted attitudes. She walked further on and found her self in front of the school Jazz band, blasting away out of tune. Her eyes darted here and there, trying to find an empty space on the bleachers for her self to spend the remaining class period on. She finally found one. She hurried over to the empty space, hoping no one would occupy the glade before she could reach it. As she sat herself down on the hard, wooden bench, and rested her book bag onto her lap, a group of pre teenage Freshman girls wearing a pair of identical flares and skin tight baby doll shirts, ran over and surrounded Roxanne. As they continued to chat away with their previous pointless conversation before reaching the bleachers, they each looked into their compact mirrors checking their eyeliner, making sure it had not smudged while they had tread across the gymnasium. Each sat up straight and sucked their already tiny stomach in, while poking their small chest out. They all looked incredibly uncomfortable. Each of them then were huddled together, devoting their attention at a copy of Teen Heat magazine, whispering to each other as to how much they would love to get their hands on the young men in N'Sync and various members of other boy band groups. Their cheap perfume engulfed Roxanne and made her cough. Her soft coughing caught the girl's attention. They all looked over their shoulder with a disgusted look on their face.
"Do you mind?!" one of the girls asked.
"Yeah! Go somewhere else and don't spread your ewwy germs on US!" another spoke up.
"And get a makeover pah-leeze! Baggy clothes is like, so out, and I can't believe you're wearing black finger nail polish! Look at her hands!! Ew! What a freak!" another one of the girls censured.
The girls continued to whisper to each other as if Roxanne wasn't even there, as to how disgraceful they thought it was that Roxanne was wearing black finger nail polish. Roxanne became wrathful, and wanted oh so badly to slap the pounds of make up and dirty looks off each of their slender faces.
"These little bitches would probably be bowing at my feet if they knew I was a Senior." Roxanne thought to herself.
Roxanne felt ignoble, not that this feeling was new. But before she could defend her self, one of the girls who hadn't offended her said as she discovered the various KoRn iron on patches on her book bag,
"Oh wait, look! She likes KoRn! Look at her book bag!"
The group of girls viewed her book bag in awe, as they had at the magazine they were once reading.
"KoRn is so cool, I love that song of theirs when that guy with the mustache starts talking like a mad man!"
The others assented, by nodding their heads and began to sing the wrong lyrics to 'Freak on a Leash'. Roxanne was surrounded by confusion, finding it odd how in one moment she's a disgrace to the human race, and gives fashion a bad name, and is now a goddess because she loves a band who is now 'IN'. She looked out into the crowd of students, noticing handfuls of preps, new and old, who have condemned her for her clothes, and taste of music, now wearing KoRn shirts. She could no longer stand the sight of her enemies who tormented her for years for the love of her favorite band, now sporting shirts with the band's name gracing their chest. This, and the overwhelming amounts of school spirit, which filled the air of the large gymnasium, turned her stomach and made her ill. She had to leave. No matter how much trouble it would cost her in the end, she had to escape from this environment. She flung her book bag over her right shoulder and leapt off the bleachers in a nimble manner, and began to run towards a near by exit.
"You're almost there." she thought to her self. She was quite surprised that no teacher, nor another authority figure had yet stopped her from leaving. She figured from the amount of screaming that was being made, that all eyes were on the tall and muscular members of the football team. Finally, she was out. The feeling of finally being alone was exquisite. She began to walk out into the commons and down a long, empty hall, which lead to the school student parking lot. She wasted no time at all, and walked hastily. As she opened one of the heavy doors, a cool wind graced the bare skin on her arms, leaving it's signature of goose bumps behind. As she walked further into the parking lot trying to find her car, her furtive right hand slowly reached into her back pocket and retrieved a pack of slightly bent and beat up cigarettes. She brought the pack up to her face and discovered she had no more cancer sticks left to appease her headache. She sighed and threw the pack onto the ground, leaving it behind as she walked further to find her car. Finally she stood before her old car, which has taken her to many a concert in the past 3 years of her life and viewed her old, nearly sun faded bumper stickers. When her eyes landed upon one of her various KoRn stickers, images of the name which she found on many of the young teeny boppers and preps shirts flashed in her mind. She groaned in frustration and hastily dug her key in to the lock of the driver's side door.
Ten minutes later, Roxanne arrived at her home. She pulled in to the drive way carefully, hoping the noise created by the engine wouldn't awake her heavily medicated Mother. She pulled the key out of the ignition and while holding it tightly within her right hand, she also grabbed her book bag and brought it out of the car. She walked up the side walk and up the steps to the front door. She twisted the door knob to make sure if the door was locked and found that it wasn't. Her hand twisted the door knob all the way and opened the door. The further she opened the door, the more distinct smell of burning inscents met and intrigued her nose. She walked into the house softly, hoping the rubber on the soles of her sneakers wouldn't squeak against the wooden floor. As she walked in to the living room, the soft sounds of her brother's acoustic guitar greeted her. She peered into the living room before entering and found her brother in the same garb as the last two days before. He was wearing a pair of baggy, faded jeans, and a black T-shirt, with holes here and there. His shoulder length, dirty, grimy brown hair was knotty from not being washed within the last week, yet the strands of oily hair that rested in front of his eyes made him incredibly handsome and mysterious. His bare feet rested upon a blue foot stand. As strawberry scented inscents burned on a table next to him, he strummed beautiful melodies on his old guitar peacefully. Finally she walked into the living room and laid her book bag onto the floor.
"Hey there." she whispered.
"Huh?! Damnit, you scared me. How long have you been in here?" he asked in a nonplus state of mind.
"Not too long. Are you smoking weed again? You're never that jumpy usually." Roxanne answered as she plopped into a chair facing him.
"What are you doing out of school so soon? It's only," he asked, as he stopped to check his watch and continued to ignore her question.
"10:30."
"I had to get out of there. Too many fakes."
"Ahh, yes, I know what you mean. That was the way it was when I was still in high school."
She looked at him and smiled.
"Alright, grandpa, you only graduated last year, you know." He smiled. His smile faded away and became a frown, however, as he viewed her T-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a KoRn shirt?"
She sighed at the tone in his voice.
"Because I like them, Randy."
"Why? They're sell outs now."
"They're not sell outs, you don't know what you're talking about."
"The hell I don't." Randy replied, as he began to strum on his guitar once more.
"I'm not going to argue with you over this again." Roxanne asserted, as she rose up off the chair and began to walk into the kitchen.
"That's just because you know I'm right and you're wrong."
Roxanne tried her damnedest all morning to hide her anger, but she could no longer try any more. She rushed back into the living room and stood before her older brother.
"Look, they're NOT sell outs, ok, damnit?!"
"Shh! Calm the fuck down, Mom's upstairs sleeping. She just took her medication." Randy whispered.
"Oh like you give a fuck about her, all you do is kiss her ass, hoping she will dish some more money out to you. It's because of you that she has to take that damn medication because you "accidently" dropped the table on her foot while helping her move a table after you two got in a fight!"
"That's bullshit, and you know it. And stop trying to change the subject. We're arguing about those damn sell outs, remember?!"
"They're NOT FUCKING SELL OUTS! Give me ONE good reason you think they're sell outs!"
"Because they're all over MTV now after years of saying, 'Fuck MTV!'. All they do is kiss MTV's ass now. They don't give a damn that teeny boppers and preps are buying their CDs or that their old fans are leaving their side, all they care about now is the MONEY, Roxanne. I don't understand how you can still like them."
"I don't like them, Randy, I LOVE them, they saved not only my life but YOURS, remember?!"
"Yeah, whatever..." he mumbled under his breath.
"I can't believe you've ditched them now that they became famous. You were never a real fan in the first place."
"I was too! I devoted all my time, attention and money on those mother fuckers and all they did was take my money to the bank and laugh!! They were once cool, down to earth guys, but they don't give a flying FUCK anymore, fame has gotten to their big ass heads now! Now, tell me, do you not complain day in and day out about all the teeny boppers at school who have now jumped on the bandwagon and love KoRn now for their overly expensive video for that over played song 'Freak on a Leash' and because MTV thinks they're finally cool now?"
"Yeah, so?"
"Well? Don't you get it? They weren't making the amount of money they wanted back in the old days, so now they changed their whole style of music just to please the people they once hated."
"Oh my dear GOD, Randy, it's not like they're the fucking Backstreet Boys now!!"
"They might as well be!"
"Look, I will always stand by KoRn's side. I'm sorry that you are so close minded that you have now turned against them."
"No, Roxanne, I'm not the one that turned against them. They're the ones that turned against US. The REAL fans. They don't care about us anymore. Everything and anything they do now is for themselves. They love no one but themselves. And of course, MTV."
With that last sentence, Roxanne became speechless. She could no longer defend her self in this argument. She ran up the stairs and down the hall towards her bedroom and slammed shut her door.
"DAMNIT, ROXANNE, MOM IS SLEEPING!! DON'T BE SO LOUD!!"
Roxanne entered her room, landed face first into her bed and began to sob. She vent her frustration in to a near by pillow, as she gnawed and pounded her fist in to it's sides. She became winded within a few minutes, as her teeth began to hurt from clenching them in rage on the pillow, which was now wet with tears and salvia. As she turned her head slowly around her shoulder, her eyes gazed upon various pictures of the band she stood beside for the past 5 years. She looked around her room and found her self surrounded by pictures of the band, staring at her in various poses. Her paranoia finally set in, as thoughts of the band thinking to themselves in the pictures, "You sorry bitch. Thanks for the money." entered her mind.
"Maybe Randy's right. Maybe they ARE sell outs." she thought to her self. The longer she thought about what her older brother had said to her just a few moments ago, the more what he said made a lot more sense to her. She became filled with rage. She felt so gullible and naive for not realizing that KoRn were turning in to egomaniacs from the large amounts of fame that has gotten to their heads. She rose up off her bed and ran towards one of her walls. She began to rip and tear off pictures of her once favorite band that she devoted all her time, attention, and money into just like her brother, and had spent endless hours putting those pictures up onto her walls, and admiring them every time she walked into her room. She cried as she did so, and muttered various obsentices under her breath. She ran to each of the four walls in her room, tearing pictures left and right. She felt foolish and perfidious. As she stood before her CD player while tearing more pictures off of one of the many walls, she noticed it was still on. She pushed play, thinking her Sevendust CD was still inside, and skipped to song number five. As she continued to rip more pictures from off her walls, familiar music was being played. However, it wasn't Sevendust. After a few seconds of military like percussion, crushing guitars and bass entered the room. The music gave Roxanne energy as she hurried to rip yet more pictures from off her walls. Finally, Jonathan Davis' voice bellowed,
"Everyone is looking at me...I can't get out of bed, there is evil...in my head..."
It finally dawned on her that her 'Issues', CD was still occupying her CD player. Once she realized that the music that is KoRn was being played in her room, she rushed to her CD player to turn it off. However, she hesitated as she listened carefully to Jonathan's cry for help during the chorus.
"God damn you say you'll get up with me! You're the crowd, come on give it back to me! You won't beg for me, be there for me, beg for me..."
Tears filled her soft green eyes as her knees began to shake. Within a matter of seconds, she fell to the floor on her weak knees, while her bottom lip quivered. Her hero, role model, and imaginary best friend continued to pour his heart and soul.
"I feel the shame.. I'm not insane..the things I feel now aren't the same..who gives a fuck, if my life sucks? I just know one thing, I won't give up...everyone just let me be..."
Roxanne felt depraved for abjuring and believing her brother. She hung her head in guilt and stared at her hands, which held shreds of paper. As she began to sob once more, she looked up towards an old KoRn poster she had bought when she first fell in love with the band. She looked at each of their faces in awe as tears streamed down her face, but as her eyes rested upon Jonathan last, she muttered, while feeling arid and worthless,
"I'm so sorry..."
--Copyright © 2000 by Fallon Williams
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