Drinking Jokes

Here are some Drinking Jokes I've found. Have Fun:

 


A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.  "If  you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.

  This is my position, and I will not compromise."


McAteer arrives at J.F.K. Airport and wanders about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.  An airline employee asks him if he was already homesick.
"No," says McAteer.  "I've lost all my luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out," replies the Scotsman

Ode to Alcohol
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think,
I'm not under what they call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why
Rally don't know who's me yet
The drunker I stay the longer I get
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up.
- -- Sold Cober

Two friends meet in the street:
- Hi John, why are you in such a mess?
- I was in this great party yesterday night and drank so much they had to take me to the hospital.
- Well, I've never had such a problem. Each time I get drunk I go home and  passionate love to my wife. After that, it's all clear in my head.
- Really? I have to try this!
- Ok, see ya.

About two hours later:
- John, you look much better now. Did you do what I told you?
- Oh yes, you were right my friend. I feel great. By the way, you've got a  really nice house.


There was this man in a bar, who ordered 5 glasses of rum. He drank them out quite quickly and then he ordered 4 glasses. After swallowing these, he wanted 3 more. He turned a little red and yelled: 'Now I want 2 glasses of rum.' The bartender delivered and gave his thirsty client a questioning look. When the 2 rums were gone where the others went, he ordered 1 last rum. Then he started laughing, tears ran down his reddish cheeks. The barman asked the merry man: 'What makes you laugh ?'
'I think this is great !', the reply was, 'the lesser I drink, the more
drunk I get !'

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.  He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon.  Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works
- hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

 

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini.  Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar.  Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing.  After an hour, when he
was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well,"  said a customer.  "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?"  the bartender said.  "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers, a  cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door,  tripped on the kerb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his
 own and falling asleep on the front seat.  One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the  sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled  him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how  that was possible.
 "Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy".

Staggering Drunk.
There's this drunk staggering down the street with his car keys in his hand.
He keeps staggering from one parked car to another until he is finally detained by a policeman ...
PM: "What's the problem, buddy?"
DRUNK: "Someone stole my car! *hic*"
PM: "Where did you last see it?"
DRUNK: "It was right here on the end of my car key ..."
PM: "Uh huh. Did you happen to notice your fly is open?"
DRUNK: *Looking down at his fly* "Omigod occifer! Someone stole my girlfriend, too!"

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer, the man next to him said "Ya know what?  If you go to the top of this building, the wind currents below are so weird, that they will carry you across to the next
building."
"Really?" inquired the first.  "Yeah let's go" said the 2nd
so they go up to the top and the second guy says "OK jump."
"Uh-uh, I'll go when you go."  So the second man jumped and
flew up to the next building, the first man being amazed and convinced jumps,
falls to the ground and splats.  The second goes back into the bar and the bartender
asks "What happened to the first guy?"  the second guy said" He splat."
and the bartender said "Ya know superman, you can be a real dick when you're drunk!"

Three vampires walk into a bar in Transylvania and sit on the stools.  The bartender looks at the first and, in a thick Transylvanian accent, says,
"May I halp you?"
The first responds with, "I would like...a blood."
The bartender turns to the second and says, "May I help you?"
The second thinks for a short time and says, "I would like...a blood."
The bartender goes over to the third and, once again, says, "May I help you?"
The third looks at him and says, "I would like...a plasma."
The bartender looks over his shoulder and says to his partner, "Give me two bloods and a blood
light."

A man walked into a bar and ordered 6 shots of tequila, the bartender, being rather reluctant said, "C'mon man, nothing can be that bad that you need 6 shots of tequila."
All the man said is, "I just found out that my first son is gay."
"Oh geez," replied the bartender, "here ya go." and he gave him the 6 shots.
2 months later, same guy, same bar, same bartender,  this time the man
asks for 12 shots of tequila.  Once again the bartender says,
"C'mon man  nothing can be that bad that you need 12 shots of tequila."
And the man replied by stating, "I just found out my second son is gay."
"Oh man, that is pretty bad!" said the bartender feeling really sorry for the man, so
he gave him his 12 shots of tequila.
3 more months went by and the same situation again, this time the man asks
for 24 shots of tequila.  The bartender says
"God damn man, doesn't anybody in your family eat pussy?"
...The man replied, "Yeah, I just found out my daughter does."

A man walks into a bar and orders two glasses of whiskey.  He downs both of them, pays and leaves.  The next day he enters again, makes the same order, drinks both drinks and leaves.  This goes on for quite some time, until the bartender one day says...
"You know if you ordered a double instead, I wouldn't have to wash the extra glass."
The man explained to the bartender that when he left his own country, his friend asked him to have a drink for him every day. The bartender understood and from then on gave him the extra glass every
day without question. One day the man came in and only ordered one drink.  The bartender
looked concerned.
"Don't tell me your friend died."
"No", our friend replied. "But yesterday I quit drinking"
 Had a cousin once who was the town drunk. Not that unusual really, unless you considered the fact that he lived in New York.

My Wife sez I drink too much. In reality though it really only takes one drink to get me totally plastered... It's either the fifteenth one or the sixteenth one, I always forget which.
 She may well be right though. We went to a party Saturday night and I could have had a bit too much to drink. I'm writing these jokes on Tuesday afternoon, and I still have a hangover. - - - - - * Actually I drink for a very good reason. I willed my body to science and I figure I should try do my part in the meantime by preserving it in alcohol until they get it.
 In Columbia Maryland they're talking about closing the bars earlier. Big deal. The way I figure, if you can't get drunk by midnight, you ain't half trying.
I've kinda been a drinker all my life though. In college, I was voted the man most likely to dissolve.
 A drunk looks up from his drink and says, "Bartender, I have to go. Which way is the bathroom ?" The bartender points out the direction, and as the man staggers off, he sez "While you're there, go for me too." The drunk returns, sits down, then sez "Damn ! I forgot something." Then, minutes later, returns again and sez, "Hey bartender, you didn't have to go."
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
The six fraternity men came weaving out of a popular off campus bar and started to crowd themselves into the Jeep for the ride back to the frat house. One of them, obviously, the house president, took charge of the situation. "Henry," he said, "you drive. You're too drunk to sing."
 The young man was determined to win his girl that evening. "I have loved you more than you will ever know," he said. "So I was right," she responded, slapping him across the face. "You did take advantage of me when I was drunk last Saturday night!"
Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. "I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and find us some girls." "No," replied the other one. "I've got more than I can handle at home." "Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink and go up to your place."

 At a cocktail party, a man got totally plastered, went up to the > host and, in a slurred voice, asked, "Excuse me, but do lemons > have feathers?" >
"I beg your pardon?" replied the host. >
The drunk asked again, "Do lemons have feathers?" as he > struggles to hold his balance. >
A rather bemused host responded, "No, I don't think so." >
The drunk sheepish said, "Oopsie." >
"What?" asked the host. > "I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink."
-A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one beer chaser. The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the beer. When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all seven shots were gone. The bartender says, "Wow! You sure drank those fast." The guy explains, You'd drink fast too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" The guy reaches into his pocket and says, "Fifty cents!"
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
 Women drive men to drink and then refuse to drive them back.
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
A policeman calmly interrupted a wayward drunk trying to get his door keys to fit into the street lamp. "I guess no one's home", said the policeman. The drunk says "Nope,I can see a light glowing upstairs"
A little guy is walking down the street looking for a place to have dinner and a drink. He comes across a small tavern and decides to go in for a bite. Sitting down at the bar, the man orders a beer and starts to look over the menu. "Whatta have?" the bartender asks. "I'll try the lamb special.", replies the little Dude. "Comin' right up." A short while later, after dinner, the little man is in need of the restroom. In fact, he has to go pretty badly. Searching around he finds a stairwell, and figures that the bathroom must be upstairs. So up he goes, and there he finds the only room at the top. By this point the guy really needs to relieve himself, but there seems to be a small problem. The room that he has found doesn't really look like a bathroom. It kind of does, it has a hole in the floor, but nothing else. The little man exclaims to himself, "I've really gotta go! To Hell with it, I'm using this hole here." A short while later, after taking care of business, the guy heads back downstairs to finish his beer and head home. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, he notices that the bar has an odor that is bringing tears to his eyes. He looks around the room, and the whole place is covered with excrement!! Seeing the man, the bartender asks, "Hey little man all spic-n-span, where were you when the shit hit the fan?!"
 A man was sitting in a bar, on one side of him sat an emu, the other a cat. He ordered a round of drinks for the three of them and paid the bartender. The bartender brought their drinks and the three sat in silence drinking. A short while later the bartender came back and asked if they would like another round, the cat indicated yes and the bartender poured another round and moved towards the cat for payment. The cat turned his head away and ignored the bartender, so the man reached into his pocket and took out money and paid the bartender. After a while the bartender returned, asking if they would like another drink. This time the emu indicated yes, and another round was poured, the emu placed the money on the bar and the three continued drinking. This continued all night, each time it came to the cat, the cat continued to turn it's head and ignore the bartender when payment was required. Finally, with the man in tears, crying harder each time it was the cat's turn, the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer asked the man what the situation was - he'd been in the bar all night drinking with an emu and a cat, and each time it was the cat's turn, it turned away, yet the emu paid up with no problems. "Well", says the man "I found this lamp washed up on the beach, as I was rubbing it clean, a genie appeared and granted me a wish. I thought long and hard, then wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
In front of the liquor store is a man, sleeping right on the grass. someone woh passes by, calls the police, and asks them to take thad bum away. Soon the police arrives and starts talking to the bum. "Why are you sleeping in front of the liquor store??? Get up and go away, or I will book you and throw you in cell" "But officer, I am not doing anything illegal! I work here ad living advertisement!"
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your damn wheelchair there again." When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven!
Here’s to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold beer—and another one!
Best while you have it use your breath There is no drinking after death. Be one who drinks the finest of ales. Every day without fail. Even when you have drank enough, Remember that ale is wonderful stuff. He that buys land buys many stones. He that buys flesh buys many bones. He that buys eggs buys many shells, But he that buys good beer buys nothing else. You guys came by to have some fun. You’ll come and stay all night, I fear. But I know how to make you run. I’ll serve you all generic beer.
An Irishman is never drunk as long as He can hold onto one blade of grass and not Fall off the face of the earth.
Fill with mingled cream and amber, I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber Through the chamber of my brain. Quaintest thoughts, queerest fancies Come to life and fade away. What care I how time advances; I am drinking ale today. --Edgar Allen Poe
For every wound, a balm. For every sorrow, cheer. For every storm, a calm. For every thirst, a beer. A statesman is an easy man, he tells his lies by rote. A journalist invents his lies, and rams them down your throat. So stay at home and drink your beer and let the neighbors vote. --William Butler Yeats
On the chest of a barmaid in Sale Were tattooed the prices of ale. And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in Braille!
Wine comes in at the mouth And love comes in at the eye; That's all that we will know for truth Before we grow old and die. I lift the glass to my mouth, I look at you and I sigh.
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk they're sober.
In heaven there is no beer... That’s why we drink ours here. 
"I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society, except that which makes to road safer, the beer stronger, the old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer."
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
I like beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of communism or the fact that the refrigerator is still working.
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can’t say it. Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. 

Eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart. —Ecclesiastes 9:10
Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor When the pub was shut for the night. When out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse And stood in the pale moonlight. He lapped up the frothy foam from the floor Then back on his haunches he sat. And all night long, you could hear the mouse roar, "Bring on the goddamn cat!"
In Vino Veritas In Cervesio Felicitas ("In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is joy.")

If you have another Joke you would like to share please send it to me