20 MORE THINGS THAT I LEARNED FROM ID4
That I Never Knew Before
By Dean Kanipe Area 51 Research Center
21. Aliens are wimps, even the ones in "Bio-Mechanical" armor. They have
glass jaws and can be taken out with a punch by Will Smith. (He has had a
lot of practice on photographers, though.)
22. Aliens are stupid. When one of their fighters approaches the carrier,
they don't bother to communicate with the pilot.
23. Aliens are even more stupid. They pursue their targets into canyons
walls and closing blast doors.
24. Aliens are unbelievably stupid. While unarmed and unarmored, they do
things to piss off people with hand guns.
25. Aliens are just too stupid for words to express. An alien air traffic
controller can look at a fighter that has been human-modified for 20
minutes and is only 50 feet away and not notice the welded-on missile rack
until the missile is fired through his work station.
26. Aliens are remarkably inarticulate. All they can say is, "Release me,"
"No peace," and "Die!"
27. If you're President and your administration is faltering, an Alien
Invasion might be a good way to boost your ratings in the polls.
28. If you're President and your administration is faltering, manage to
work into every other sentence the fact that you "flew in the Persian
Gulf." No need to specify what branch of service.
29. If you're President and your administration is faltering and an Alien
Invasion occurs, relocate the V.P., the Cabinet, and the Joint Chiefs to
one centralized location so that the Aliens can take them all out with one
shot. You can always blame the problems of the past on them after victory
is achieved.
30. The President's Press secretary keeps her cell phone listed in the
computer phone book "in case of emergencies."
31. If your father abandons his Jewish beliefs after the death of your
mother, always carry around a Torah and a Yarmulke. Aliens might attack and
offer him a chance to renew his faith.
32. If aliens abduct you and effectively destroy your life by making you
the laughing stock of the community, never fear. When their "Destroyers"
come, you will be vindicated to those who mocked your tale.
33. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you, you can have
revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray.
34. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you and you have
revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray, you will obtain
redemption and your children will be proud of you.
35. The best way to win back a former wife is to be very annoying, look
perpetually vexed, and keep wearing your wedding ring for 4 years after the
divorce.
36. In 10 hours, one man with a Macintosh Laptop can code a virus in C++
that will take down a completely alien computer system.
37. Even though the Mac isn't compatible with most other Earthly operating
systems, it can interface with an alien computer. [I'm laughing,
but...d'oh...I'm on a Mac right now... --Dan]
38. Alien network security is nonexistent.
39. Rather than attacking a planet when they first encounter it (i.e.,
1940s), aliens wait until the planet has developed just enough technology
to possibly defend itself.
40. Scientists at Area 51 are a bit touched in the head, and "Don't get out
much."
Copyright (c) 1996, Dean Kanipe
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Have a great Tuesday.
C sum X U 2-knight @ play prac,
Dan
"Rivers flow into the sea,
Yet even the sea is not so full of me
If I'm not blind, why can't I see
That a circle can't fit in where a square should be..."
-Extreme's 'hole hearted' paraphrase of Eccl. 1:7+
(
geocities.com/napavalley)