Things I Have Learned from Driving in the South

While it's true that no part of the world is without its fair share of nuts (and bad drivers), it's also true that each city is going to have its own personality when it comes to driving. For example, one of my former roommates is from New York, and he's told me he'd much rather drive in NYC than in the city where we currently live because, while it is much smaller, traffic is high-volume and people just don't seem to know how to handle it. My own personal theory is that, at least in the South, perfectly nice, intelligent people seem to lose about 30 IQ points the instant they get behind the wheel of a car. Furthermore, I believe that for many people, this is CUMULATIVE! (And frankly, folks, some people don't have that much to lose to begin with.) Science has not confirmed this, of course, but I'm sure they're working on it.

At any rate, I think I have these driving habits figured out. This is driving, from a Southern point of view.

• Speed limit signs are actually a limit to how slow you can drive, and if you're only driving 10mph over the speed limit, you'd better be in the slow lane.
• Safe following distance is 3 inches. Unless you're changing lanes, then the distance is narrowed to 2 inches, and if there is a car in the lane you want to merge in to, wait until it's right up on you before you change lanes.
• Driving at night: your headlights aren't all the way on unless that little blue-green light on the instrument panel is on.
• The darker your car is, the later you should wait until turning your headlights on. Conversely, in the mornings before the sun has risen, you should be the first one to turn your lights off.
• Never believe road signs in the south. For instance, while driving to Durham, NC, the interstate forks into two separate roads. Over two lanes there is a sign, "Durham", and over the other two there is a sign, "Raleigh". To get to Durham, I must follow the sign that says "Raleigh." Go figure.
• When coming up to an intersection at which you will need to turn, always make sure you are at least 3 lanes over; this will ensure that you have to cross 3 lanes of traffic, cutting off the maximum number of cars possible, in order to get to the correct side of the road to make the turn.
• Use of the signal light: there are one of two methods you may use when driving in the south. Either don't use them at all, which is the preferred method, or put the signal on at least 2 miles before you actually need to turn.
• If there is another lane that appears to be moving two centimeters an hour faster than the one in which you are driving, you must change to that lane. When the pattern changes thirty seconds later, and the lane you were originally in starts moving faster, you must get back into that lane. Switch back and forth like this until you reach your destination. This is especially important during rush hour.
• Driving in inclement weather: First of all, in heavy rain, don't bother with your headlights. Also remember that there are only two allowed driving speeds in a 35 zone: 60mph, or 15.
• If a snowflake is seen, or you hear a rumor of such, this will mean that the world is coming to an end, the sky is falling, or you will be snowed in for the next three years. Drive to your nearest grocery store and buy all the milk, bread, and canned goods you can fit in your car. Drive like a panicked weasel while getting to and from the grocery store.
• Addendum to the above: You need 4WH vehicles to get around in a dusting of snow. (And by the way, did you know that heavy frost counts as snow?)
• Lastly, it appears that during times of snow, ice, or heavy rain, all traffic laws are null and void. Pay no attention to those traffic lights. They mean nothing at these times.

And there you have it, folks. A quick primer on how to drive in the south. Hope you enjoy it!

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