Sex Jokes


The various ages and stages of sex:
First, you have bathroom sex where you root in the shower or the bath.   
Then you have kitchen sex where you root on the sink or the kitchen   
table.  Then there's bedroom sex where all your rooting is confined to   
the bedroom.  Finally, you have corridor sex where you see your wife
in   
the hallway in the morning and say, 'Go and get fucked.'

At the height of the recession we had to have, a husband is desperate
to   
save money.  He tells his wife to learn to cook better. 'That'll save
on   
restaurants.' She must learn to iron his shirts 'to save on the
ironing   
lady'. She'll need to clean the house properly, 'to save on the
cleaning   
lady'.  And she said, 'Why don't you learn to fuck properly, so we can   
get rid of the gardener?'

The Admiral took his daughter aside on her wedding eve and said gruffly,
'Mavis, I've never advised you on sex since your mother died, but I feel
that as you're marrying a sailor I must say just one thing.  Let him do
anything he likes, but if ever he asks you to do it "the other way"
don't
let him.' Even though the daughter did not know what he meant, she
promised to follow his advice. The couple were married and had a
blissfully happy sex life for six months.  But all this time Mavis had
'the other way' in the back of her mind.  One evening she blurted out,
'Please Jack, let's do it the other way tonight.' Her husband looked at
her incredulously. 'What,' he said, 'and risk having babies!'

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'
performance as a lover. The
first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always
buys me flowers and
candy before we make love. I like that.

"The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes
to play rough and
slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.

"The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for
Microsoft. He just sits
on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I
get it."

Sex jokes

                                                                                               

A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San
Francisco. She phoned her
mom to let her know how she was getting along. "Things are rather
strange here. I see men who
hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or
homosexuals. Even more surprising,
there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as
'lesbians'. You
probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a
woman's private
parts and do things with their tongues." "Good Lord," her mom said,
"what do they call them?"
"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!" 


Credit: Lyle's Joke Boutique 


A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend when all of
a sudden the
telephone rings and she answers. After hanging up she says, "That was
Harry, but don't worry,
he won't be home for awhile. He's playing cards with you." 


Credit: posted to the HUMOR mailing list by Jeff Powell (katnep@aol.com) 



Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having
an argument about
whether boys are better than girls. After a while Johnny stands up and
pulls down his shorts
saying 'Boys are better than girls 'cos you haven't got one of these!!'. 

Jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she hasn't got one
of those between her
legs. She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little
while later she comes back
out with a big smile on her face. 

'My mum says girls are better than boys', she says. 

'No they're not.' says Johnny pulling down his shorts, 'You haven't got
one of these!'. 

Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and
says 

'My mum says that as long as I've got one of these, I can have as many
of those as I want!!' 


Credit: Posted to the UGA humor list by "De La Mothe, Gordon"
(DELAMOTHEG@OLDPAUL.AGW.BT.CO.UK) 



Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do
you ever get to feeling
horny?" "Yes," her friend replied. "What do you do about it?" "I usually
suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do
you go to?" 


Credit: Posted to the UGA humor list by Lyle's Joke Boutique
(FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM) 



The cops raided the local brothel and had all the girls standing in line
waiting to enter the
paddy wagon. A little old lady walked up and asked one of the girls what
the line was for. She
indicated they were giving out lollipops. The little old lady liked
lollipops so she got in line
too. When she got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, "Hey grandma,
aren't you a little old
to be doing this?" She replied, "As long as they keep making them, I'll
keep sucking them." 


Credit: Posted to the UGA humor list by Lyle's Joke Boutique
(FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM) 



A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make
love. The girl wants it
again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She
still wants more and
the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself." 

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.
He asks the guy "Look,
I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times
and she still wants more.
I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." 

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks
on the window and
shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?" 

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." 

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" 

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife
until you shined the light
on her." 

Credit: Posted to the UGA humor list by Jack Tanner (Fatjac@AOL.COM) 



Did you heard of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a
straight woman on the
street? Well, two held the woman while the third one did her hair. 

Credit: Unknown. 



These three women were sitting around one night talking about there
boyfriends when they
decided they would give their men nicknames based on types of soda. 

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is
as strong as a
mountain and always wants to do it!" 

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven
inches and it is
always up!" 

The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels." 

The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor." 

The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!" 

Credit: Unknown 



A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
As he passes his parent's
bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then
continues on down the
hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my
thumb" 

Credit: Unknown 



Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in. 

Child: Mother, where do babies come from? 

Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One
night, they go into their
room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.)
That means the daddy puts
his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. 

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's
room you had daddy's penis
in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? 

Mom: Jewelry, dear. 

Credit: Unknown 



Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it
rains, however, the
laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's.
The other two women
wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains. 

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on
the line when one of the
women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is
never out?" 

"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at
Saul. If his penis is hanging
over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang
out the wash. If his penis
is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang
out the wash." 

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women. 

"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry." 

Credit: Unknown 



Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are
changing clothes in the
locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra
and a lace garter belt.
"My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?" 

"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment." 

Credit: Unknown 



Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and
crying, and father stork
is trying to calm him. 

"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing
people babies and making
them happy." 

The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father will
be back as soon as
possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." 

A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son is gone
from the nest all night!
Finally, short before dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son
where he had been all
night. 

Says the baby stork: "Aww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!" 

Credit: Unknown 



A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of
the sociologists at the
state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of
money; hired a few
additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and
birth control specialist;
moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away;
and began designing
their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready
for their big research
effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a
cup of coffee. He sat
down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it,
he told the druggist
what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the
birth rate was so
high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train
comes through here and
blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late
to go back to sleep, and
it's too early to get up." 

Credit: Unknown 



A woman answers the door to a market researcher. 

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it
at all in your
household?" 

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." 

"Do you use it for anything else?" 

"Like what?" 

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex." 

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the
kids out." 

Credit: Unknown 



A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You
aren't so good in bed
either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided
he'd better make
amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. 

"What took you so long to answer?" 

"I was in bed." 

"What were you doing in bed this late?" 

"Getting a second opinion." 

Credit: Unknown