SUBLIMINAL LOVE

She was a lady of elegance, a female of silky style.
Slut.
I was a man of elegance, a male of rugged integrity.
Slob.
We drove high performance blowout machines.
Wobbly clip-on roller skates. No brakes.
Our eyes met in a dazzling flash and we fell into a dreamy trance.
Head-on collision. On I-75. Both of us unconscious. Our skates were okay, though.
Recuperation experiences brought us together in intimate ways.
We both got sick on the nurse... nasty veggies. She drugged us with some blue drink. I thought it tasted good.
Soon after she called me, and told me how much she needed me.
Her bathtub was clogged. So was her head. Extreme fungus.
I showed her I was a man of the house, then sensitively, tactfully attempted to ask her out.
I said, "You know, if I can find a way to get my currently disfigured arm out of the drain in your bathtub here, you think we could do something romantic?"
We spent the night exchanging love-struck glances, and playful whisperings.
We told each other our favorite Arnold Schwartzenegger lines for several hours, then fiercely thumb-wrestled.
It was clear the equally sharp caliber of our intellects made us a formidable match for each other.
We chugged a keg, turned on my stereo, and tried to stare the graphic equalizer down all night. The equalizer won.
We expressed similar interests, it seemed we were made for each other.
We both get high sniffing air fresheners. Tropical crack scent. And we both hate hobbies.
We took an adventurous journey together, a vacation to celebrate our beautiful relationship.
We went spelunking in a bat-infested cave filled with stone spikes sticking out all over the place, and I found a lizard with no eyes that runs backwards, and the most disgusting puddle of slimy water on the face of the Earth. We had our picture taken in the puddle.
Dining in the most exclusive restaurants gave us a phenomenal glimpse of the high life of the select members of today's cultured society.
We ate with snobs.
It was a classic, old-fashioned American love story.
We went to bed in each other's arms, and woke up in each other's socks.
We lived happily ever after in a secluded little house... pond-front property. Away from the rest of the world.
We did the world a big favor.

DEFYING THE OWNER'S MANUAL

I poured water in my computer. It had a transmitted virus.
I poured water in my radio. Couldn't listen to it anymore.
I poured water in my alarm clock. Just wouldn't let me sleep.
I poured water in this woman's pants. For all those reasons.

HOW TO GET AHEAD IN BUSINESS

Whatever they tell you in church
do the opposite.

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