* 7 bridges
* 15 mosques
* 5 hospitals
* 2 pharmacies
* 13 light trucks
* 4 heavy trucks
* 3 schools (one in session, casualties unknown)
* 1 refugee camp (est. ~500 casualties)
* 1 radio station
* 58 camels
* 23 horses
* 18 Taliban soldiers
* 1 library
If you'd like us to stop, just say the word. Otherwise, send us some f*cking ammo and maybe a medal or two.
--oTTo--
P.S. Without the liquor, we aren't as brave.
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Dear Agent Bahn:
Agent Y has suffered a syncoptic episode and is currently in a catatonic fugue state. We were unsure of the proximate cause, ruling out overwork as she had just had a desert vacation with you. From previously working with her I was aware she kept a diary, which she faithfully wrote in every day, and we were able to acquire it from her bedroom at her mother's house. We only had to Taser the old lady twice before we trank-darted her and the bomb squad was able to detect and disarm all of the pungi traps and trip-wire Claymores with only one minor incident.
Reading through volumes 1 to 24 was not very interesting but gave a solid background for the shrinks to work with. Volumes 25 to 37 would make several doctoral theses on abnormal psychology in their own right, but it was not until volumes 38 to 41 that some of the possible causes of her present state came to light. These pages cover some facts about her stay in the desert with you and your hash-addled group of zombies.
Kidnapping her from the airport parking lot was not neccessary as she was expecting to meet you and exchange signs and countersigns, as she was trained to do. Dr. Duke and his cohort dressed in robes and turbans and firing their AK-47s in the air was a surprise to her, being bundled into the back of a Toyota pickup which screamed off into the desert night at high speed was another.
Her meeting with you (dressed as UBL) by the campfire in the desert, being told she was the "new momma" and would have to "go down on the whole squad to prove her loyalty" was strangely reminiscent of my own fraternity initiation rites and brought a fond tear to my eye. I also think the full body-cavity search by Scully was a little over the top, since taking over an hour to do the job, and that much use of the tongue, showed a distinct lack of professional detachment.
Agent Y is a young lady of strong moral fiber, a product of some of the better finishing schools in the great state of North Carolina, which has finished some of the finest women I have known. She is free, white and well over twenty-one, trained enough to be capable of understanding and acting on orders given directly to her by a superior officer, yet she faltered, she questioned, she failed in her first true test of action in the face of the enemy. I believe it is this failure which contributed to the mental instability which has culminated in her current condition.
I think that ordering her to strip naked, wrap herself in bundles of plastique molded in the shape of George Bush's head, grasp a Star of David in one hand and a crucifix in the other and run into a cave singing the Star Spangled Banner as loudly as she could, all for the purpose of, and I quote you verbatim, "seeing if there's anybody home", may have generated sufficient psycho-sexual angst to push her over the edge like a uniformed school girl. The psych people have discovered that she was traumatized by a cave-bat at an early age, and when singing the SSB while running naked it is difficult to hit some of the more esoteric notes. (We ran a few simulations using the typing pool girls.)
Current thinking among the medical staff is that an intense course of electro-convulsive therapy and a few days rest should have her well on the way to recovery. It is also hoped that her mother may have recovered from her own coma (initiated by some small allergy to the tranquilizer darts) by that time.
yours truly,
Agent (Sigmund) X
PS: I'm sending you some of the left over explosives from the Iraqui affair, they're probably still OK. -X
PPS: Enclosed find a crate of WW2 surplus Canadian Good Conduct Medals, I hope this meets your needs. Also a crate of Molson Export.-X
PPPS: You failed to mention either the orphanage or the busload of nuns, this office requires reports to be thorough. -X
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