Brain Droppings by George Carlin.

I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that happened to someone else.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Ask for a pizza with no toppings and hold the crust.

Great tattoo: middle of fore head-" Your message here $.50"

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

I can't bear to go to children's zoo. I always wonder how their parents can allow them to be kept in those little cages.

I never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm looking into.

It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of nine months.

A tree: first you chop it down , then you chop it up.

If a bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out

The neutron bomb is very Republican: it leaves property alone and concentrates on destroying large numbers of people indiscriminately.

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