Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: DS9 Parody - Wishes were Fishes
Message-ID: 
Originator: news@cbnewsf.cb.att.com
Sender: news@cbfsb.cb.att.com


The following story is from David Gerstman who took a rest from
his reviews.  Send comments to him.

~Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 08:11:10 -0400
~From: dhg@adelphi-s3isig1.army.mil.arl.army.mil (sig1::dhg)


          Deep Sixed in Space - If Fishes were Worsted

          CAST

          Commander Mindbender Crisco - Commanding officer of station Deep
          Six
          The Crisco Kid - the Commander's son
          Inches Orion - The operations officer aboard the station
          Seiko Orion - His wife
          Polly Orion - The galaxy's youngest four year old, their daughter
          Ursa Major - A Banjoran, the first officer aboard Deep Six
          Lieutenant Fax - A humanoid with another creature living inside
          her which is able to communicate with human and other electronic
          devices at 9600 bps
          Dr. Julius Basher - A member of the Donner party, whoops, bad
          joke, Medical Officer aboard Deep Six
          Yodo - a shape shifter who manages all sorts of pithy remarks
          despite the fact that he possesses no vocal cords
          Muon - An Offendi, Yodo's nemesis, barkeep, gambler, entrepreneur
          and general lowlife
          Egg Nog - Muon's nephew

          First Scene

          Muon - If only I held exclusive rights to a monopolistic
          franchise...
          Yodo - You're imagining.
          Muon - That's it, if I imagine something everyone else will want,
          will covet, will desire ... I could be wealthy beyond my wildest
          imagination.
          Yodo - Didn't I just say that?

          cut to Ursa and Basher having a drink together
          Basher - So Ursa what's it like to live on a world where not
          everyone has indoor plumbing ...
          Ursa - You arrogant so and so, have you ever tried electro shock
          therapy. (splashes her drink in his face and leaves in a huff.)
          Basher (aside) - I've tried it, it doesn't help.  I wish I could
          shut her up.

          cut to Orion and Seiko with Polly -
          Seiko - O.K. Polly, that's enough.  You've just watched the
          special 10,000th episode of Barney and friends, it's time for
          your nap.
          Polly - But I'm not tired.
          Orion - C'mon to bed now.
          (Polly listens, enters her room. Seiko turns to Orion.)
          Seiko - What is it she sees in that purple creature anyway?
          Orion - I don't know, but she loves him.  He keeps her occupied
          and out of mischief.  He's a better teacher than you are.  What's
          that? It sounds like a song from the colonies, called, um,
          'Yankee Doodle.'





          (Orion and Seiko enter Polly's room and here a chant, "Shimboree,
          Shimbora," and find themselves face to face with a six foot tall
          felt creature.)
          Polly (big smile on her face) - I just make-believed him.
          (fade - teaser over)

          Act I
          Orion - Security, intruder alert, report to my quarters. Now!
          Barney - O-o-o-h.  Come Polly, time for fun and games, let's find
          the rest of my backyard gang.  He-He, I wonder where Baby Bop is!
          Orion - No you don't stay right there, or I'll ..
          Barney - Oo-oo-oh, You'll what.  You'll cuddle me?  Let's all be
          friends. (Two security officers appear.) What lesson will we
          learn today?
          1st Security officer - Come with us.
          Barney - that's it manners.  Did you forget the magic word?
          1st Security officer - Shimboree?
          Barney - No. That brought me here in the first place.  You're
          supposed to say 'Please, come with me.'
          1st Security officer - Please, come with me.
          Barney - Not so fast, I want to meet all my new friends here.
          (fades along with Polly.)
          Orion - Commander Crisco, a six foot tall purple felt creature
          just disappeared with my daughter.
          Crisco - You must be imagining things. Hint, hint.  I'll be right
          there.  (As he's about to leave, Crisco Kid enters with 50ish
          looking human male.  Crisco stops dead in his tracks.)
          Kid - he followed me home, can I keep him?
          Man - Hey Commander, I'm Bob Uecker.
          Kid - Dad, what are you staring at..
          Crisco (muttering) - the 62 Mets, Mr. Belvedere, Lite Beer
          commercials ...
          Kid - Dad, what is it?
          Crisco - a three time loser ...
          Uecker - Hey, you're the guy who runs this joint here?  I
          wouldn't talk.  Anyway, you seem like quite a stuffed shirt,
          perhaps there's a place we could find something less filling,
          somewhere around this hunk of junk?
          Crisco - I never imagined that I'd ever meet you.

          (cut to Basher and Ursa back in the bar)
          Basher - So why is it Major, that unlike other officers, you put
          your name Ursa before your rank Major?
          Ursa - It is an ancient custom of my people.  We revolutionaries
          take pride in honoring the ancient traditions.
          Basher - That is so quaint.  Ursa, you and your people are so
          adorable.
          Ursa - Why you arrogant so and so ...
          Basher - Shut up.
          (silence)
          Basher - Ursa, what is it? Is it aphasia?
          (silence)
          Basher (gleefully.) - I'd only imagined doing this.




          Act II
          At ops.
          Crisco - Fax, any anomalies?
          Fax - I imagine that my sensors are picking up strange readings
          in the Deleterious Belt.
          Crisco - Keep an eye on them.  Does the computer have any record
          of similar phenomena?
          Fax - yes.  Once a similar phenomenon destroyed a whole system.
          The other time, we're still working on.
          Crisco - keep to it. Any recommendations Orion?
          Orion - Yessir.  Maybe we could detonate a phase inducing probe
          inside the phenomenon and get it to close.
          Crisco - Do you think it will work?
          Orion - No, last time this happened the blast expanded the
          phenomenon, which then destroyed the whole system Fax mentioned.
          Crisco - Would we be able to escape the consequences of the
          probe's detonation?
          Orion - Nope, we'd be destroyed immediately.
          Crisco - Let's do it then.
          Ursa (interrupting) - Wait a second.  You people just marooned
          our religious leader Okapi, on a planet with blood thirsty
          murderers.  Now you want do endanger the whole Banjoran system by
          trying something that was unsuccessful the only other time it was
          attempted?
          Crisco - Absolutely.
          Ursa II - I think we should agree to whatever the Commander says.
          Ursa - When we got this job, the casting director wanted us to be  
          fiesty and independent.  We're supposed to disagree and
          be insulting as often as we can.
          Ursa II - We are supposed to be submissive to the will of Basher.
          Basher (aside to Fax) - Amazing. Dueling Banjorans....

          cut to Barney, Polly, Crisco Kid, and Egg Nog
          Barney - ... and all Earth children love me and listen to all the
          wholesome things I teach them.
          Egg Nog - The problem, dinosaur, is that you are bound by a
          *Humon's* limited imagination.
          Barney - What do you mean?
          Egg Nog - Do you not know the Offendi rules of Acquisition?
          Barney - No. please tell me?

          cut to Ops
          Fax - Commander.  I've been studying the phenomenon a lot more.
          It's not identical to the one that destroyed a whole system.  I
          imagine it will just go away.  This phenomenon, appears to be
          similar to something from 20th Century Earth called "Pledge
          Week."  It seeks not to destroy us, just sufficient funding.
          (Barney and the youngsters appear in Ops.)
          Barney - And I can save you.
          Crisco - You, I should have known it was you.  Uecker could never
          do anything right and Ursa is too confused right now.
          Barney - Oo-oo-ooh.  Egg Nog taught me a lot about acquisition.
          I think we can save this station by having everyone buying Barney
          merchandise.
          Crisco - How will that help?


          Barney - The pledge week phenomenon targets children by
          projecting characters that children like, and telling their
          parents that if they don't give us money, these characters will
          cease to exist.
          Crisco - What are you saying?
          Barney - If I become a hugely successful franchise, I can exist
          independent of Pledge Week.  Children, never again will have to
          wonder if I'll be back the next year.
          Crisco - Where did you get this idea?
          Barney - Egg Nog's uncle, Muon taught me how to maximize my
          profits from this galaxy. In return, I've helped him with his
          imagination.
          Crisco - How?
          Barney - Let's just say, I wouldn't want the children to discover
          how I've helped him. It could create a scandal.

          THE END

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am not responsible for what is written here. 
This story was copied from ftp://ftp.informatik.uni-oldenburg.de/pub/startrek
Some brands and product names may be trademarks or registered trademarks 
of their respective companies

    Source: geocities.com/siliconvalley/4110

               ( geocities.com/siliconvalley)