HEPATITIS

THE LIFE OF GUIDO

Bob looked down upon the world and decided it was in pretty cheesy shape. So Bob sent down the archangel, Warren, to deliver the message. It was Warren's job to find a bearded, fat lady to give birth to Bob's only son. Harriet Blubbergut was just such a woman.

Warren appeared in the sky before Harriet, and said "Are you uh...Harry...um...gut...ah...Blubber...huh huh uh huh huh yeah huh huh, Hairygut?"

"Harriet Blubbergut!!!!" she (if you can call it a she) yelled.

"Whatever," said Warren "You are to carry Bob's only son."

"But my hormones are so messed up!" replied the bearded, fat lady "And the circus needs me."

"The circus has plenty of freaks," replied the archangel "As for your hormones, the kid'll just be a little big. Testosterone never hurt nobody."

"What should I name him?" asked Harriet.

"Guido!!" rang a voice from the sky.

The archangel disappeared, and suddenly Harriet had the urge for pickles and ice cream.

Nine months passed, Harriet and her new husband, Roger, were looking for a place to give birth to the strapping lad. Every inn turned them down, but one innkeeper cut them a deal.

"If you clean my toilets, you can sleep in my sewer system." said the portly, smelly innkeeper.

They quickly agreed.

********** Three village idiots, Pete, Jodie, and Phil, from Belview, looked into the sky, and saw a UFO They followed the UFO for several miles, until they saw its light shine on a manhole cover.

"Duh, help me to pry yon frisbee from da ground," said Pete to his brothers.

"Dat frisbee must weigh da same as a camel's ass," said Jodie, the second village idiot.

"Mayonnaise," said Phil, he always rambled.

Finally, they pried it open, and the first thing that they saw was a bearded fat lady giving birth to a 320 pound, muscular, gigantic, immense, huge, broad, tremendous, vast, infant, who was as ugly as an elephant's ass.

"All hail Guido, son of Bob!" all three idiots said except for Phil, who said, "Cheese tastes better the second time around."

They all bore gifts. Pete brought pot. Jodie brought coke. Phil brought Mayonnaise, but not even Guido's vast strength was enough to pry the lid off the jar.

********** As Guido grew, and boy did he grow, man you can't believe how he grew. I mean his legs got long, and so did his arms. His chest thickened, and his gut grew immensely, but, strangely, his head always stayed the same size. As a young boy, he tried every kind of drug, including hemorrhoids! But Guido knew that he had a mission. First, he would perform miracles and spread the word of Bob, and put in a good word for himself, too. Then, he would be executed and rescue the lost souls from Smell, the place of punishment.

When Guido finally left home, at thirty-three, he decided to pray to Bob, "Heya, pop... Gimme my allowance, which I figure, with back pay, late penalties, and interest, is about twenty-three million!!!!"

Bob heard Guido's prayer. He immediately contacted his lawyers in Smell, who found a loophole, "Go to your step parents."

"Aw, cripes! They're broke!"

"That's not my problem!" Bob sneered back.

So Guido went out into the world. He came across a wedding. Never one to turn down free food, Guido stayed for the reception.

"We are all out of beverages," said the bride's father "oh well, I guess everyone has to go home."

"Wait," came Guido's drunken voice "run and get some water from yer well."

"Why?" asked the bride's father "You can't get drunk on water!"

"I shall turn it into Jack Daniel's," replied Guido as a eunuch slave brought a keg of water. Guido grasped both sides of the keg, leaned over, turned green, and belched a tremendous burp right into the water, and suddenly, the water was transformed into J.D.

"It's a miracle!" yelled the groom.

"Hey, you do that pretty well," said Guido "you want a job yelling 'it's a miracle' every time I perform a miracle?"

The groom accepted Guido's generous offer, and he became the first of Guido's disciples. His name was Fred.

********** Guido traveled the country side curing blind melons and making lepers change their spots. He came upon a village where some people were stoning a whore.

"Stop!" yelled Guido "A whore is a terrible thing to waste!"

"Yeah! And us working girls gotta make a living," replied the whore.

"Let ye who is without sin cast the first to be stoned... er throw the first rock," said Guido. Everyone looked ashamed.

"ThanX hon," replied the whore.

"What is your name, young whore?" asked Guido.

"Amy Fischer," smugly replied the whore.

"Never mind!" yelled Guido "you can stone her if ya want to."

"It's a miracle!" cried Fred.

********** Guido met a homely bartender in a seedy alley. The bartender was swearing.

"What's wrong?" asked Guido.

"My turnip died," replied the bartender.

"Take me to your turnip," said Guido. When Guido came upon the turnip, he laid his hand upon the turnip, "Your turnip is not dead, it is merely sleeping," he said as the turnip opened its eyes and made faint turnip sounds.

A man named Oscar, who was kinda a grouch, asked Guido, "You are the son of Bob, aren't you?" Oscar the grouch let out a fart.

"Yes I am!" exclaimed Guido "Join me as one of my disciples."

"Sure thing," said Oscar, as he let out another fart.

"Do you always do that?" asked Guido.

"Yup," replied Oscar.

********** After Guido had gathered eleven disciples, he came upon a man named Judas Priest. "Join me as my disciple!" yelled Guido.

Judas Priest, who was cleaning his teeth with a giant knife with Guido's name engraved on it, "Why sure, I'll join you, heh, heh, heh!" he replied.

"Good, we are going into the desert," Guido stated.

********** After several years with out food, Boliver said, "I'm kinda hungry, Guido."

Guido thought for a moment, "I'm kinda hungry too." He waved his massive arms in the air, and cheese doodles fell from the sky.

"It's a miracle!" yelled Fred.

"You deserve a raise," said Guido.

********** A man was waiting for his son to come home, when Guido approached, "Allow me to tell you the story of the prodigal lemming."

"Can't I just wait for the movie?" asked the man.

"No," replied Guido "Once there was this man who had a lemming. But the lemming wanted to go out on its own. The man did not want the lemming to go, but he went anyway. The man gave the lemming enough money to buy mayonnaise for the rest of his life. But the lemming gambled it all away."

"Can we get this story over with?" asked the man "My legs are asleep."

"Well, the lemming returned empty handed, but the man didn't care, He had slaughtered the fatted possum for the lemming to eat."

"So it ended happily for the lemming and its owner?" asked the waiting man.

"Not really," replied Guido "he jumped into the sea and killed himself. Lemmings will be lemmings."

"It's a miracle!" cried Fred.

********** Guido came upon a bunch of starving people and two people holding one cheese doodle and one can of beer.

"What seems to be da problem?" asked Guido.

"We do not have enough food to feed all those people," replied the doodle holder.

"Reach into the bag and give a cheese doodle to that man. Keep doing the same for everyone and I swear you will not run out."

The cheese doodles and beer just kept multiplying, and before you knew it there was a drunken barroom brawl.

"You should see me with acid," boasted Guido.

There was dead silence.

"It's Fred's night off," said Guido.

********** Traveling the countryside, Guido exercised bobgoblins from hapless host bodies. Bobgoblins tried to temp him to turn his back on Bob, but e wouldn't. Finally, the Blasphemous Cow made an appearance once again, "Guido, I stole some of Bob's private stash. Smoke it!"

"No!" yelled Guido "I have my own!"

"But Bob get all the best stuff," said the cow.

"I can't!" yelled Guido as he pulled back his mighty fist and punched the cow in the nose. Cottage cheese landed everywhere, but the cow was nowhere to be seen.

********** Guido decided it was time to visit the Kingdom of Pompous Pilot. He gathered his disciples and sat them down to a last brunch, "I'm going to be executed soon, at the command of Pompous Pilot. Before I die, you will betray me, Judas Priest." Guido looked at Judas Priest sitting next to him, sharpening his blade.

"I know," sneered Judas Priest "Big secret."

"No, I mean it!" exclaimed Guido.

"Yeah, so?" said Judas Priest.

A few moments later, a group of Pompous Pilot's guards burst into the chamber, "Yer comin' wit me!" said the captain of the guard.

Guido was taken before Pompous Pilot, "You's gonna sleep wit da fishes, see?" He said to Guido.

"I'm rubber, your glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you," sang Guido.

"Fit him fer the cement overshoes, boys!" exclaimed Pompous Pilot. As they poured concrete over Guido's feet, Judas Priest threw his knife at Guido.

"Told ya so!" replied Guido.

At that point, they dumped him in the east river. A week later they dragged him out in a body bag, and they stuck him is a bank vault.

********** Two weeks later, eighteen of Guido's old girlfriends went to pay their respects. The vault was open and two bums sat next to it.

Lenny, the first bum said, "Guido has risen!" All the girlfriends went to spread the word.

********** Guido popped in on his disciples.

"You're not Guido," said Doubting Dougie.

"Oh, yeah? Check out the concrete on my shoes!" exclaimed Guido "I have risen, cheeze, what do I gotta do, walk on water?"

"Couldn't hurt," said Doubting Dougie. Guido shrugged, and filled up the bathtub and walked on top of the water.

"It really is you!" said Doubting Dougie.

"Duh!" Replied Guido. Suddenly, his body rose up towards Bobatropolis, the promised land. Guido took his place at the right hand of Bob.

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