Os's guide to #cuseemesex behaviour
Channel and reflector tips   Why everything you do on the channel is wrong

You've heard that some people are using Cu-SeeMe for things that your mother wouldn't approve of, so you hit the channel #cuseemesex, which you somehow feel may have people on it doing the unmentionable things on camera.

BUT, the channel is full of people and you don't know how to see anyone, so what are you to do? Well, you can read the rest of the information on these web-pages for a start.

"But I've done all that already, and I've still never seen anyone! You're all a bunch of elitist idiots!" You may shout, in which case this simple guide to behaviour is for you. It's not a 'how-to' guide for getting CU connections, nor is it a collection of '101 Guaranteed IRC Chat-up Lines', but rather some general hints.

CU-SeeMe Pecking Order

Yes indeedy, there is a pecking order when it comes to sexual Cu-SeeMe sessions, which is roughly like this (in descending order): As you can see, if you don't have a camera, then you are at a huge disadvantage before you start, so spend some money and get one, and you'll immediately be higher on the list than pond scum.

But before you think that as soon as you are all camera'd up you'll be home free, you're not. The pecking order is still in full effect, and you must remember that at all times. Your position on the list will determine to some degree your 'success' rate (if by success you mean the amount of flesh you see), and I'll address each of them individually.

Couples with a camera

Couples basically are the top of the Cu food chain, they will get to see just about anything they want. And what they usually want are other couples or single women. Why they are don't seem to be interested in single men is rather odd, as I'm sure that the female half of the couple isn't always bisexual and would rather enjoy seeing a man from time to time.

However, there are quite a few people who use nicks like 'moron-cpl' who turn out to be men who's wife 'has just nipped to the shops'. Now under these circumstances the thing to do would be to change your nick to 'moron-him' and relegate yourself to single man status.

Do not pretend to be a couple when you are a single man just so you get connects to couples or single women as you'll get disconnected quickly and probably exposed as such in the channel. And trust me, having the whole channel know you are a saddo won't improve your chances at all.

Oh, and one last thing, don't think that by using a mannequin that you'll make people think that you are a couple, it won't (and yes, someone has tried this).

Single women with a camera

Just below couples are single women, and again they can get to see whatever they want, but tend to be a little more accommodating to single men. But don't message them to death as soon as one joins the channel, as women are severely outnumbered and get a lot of messages because of this fact.

Single men with a camera

Give up now, you're doomed.

Couples, singles, triples, philharmonic orchestras etc without cameras

Did you see the bit about pond scum?

"Bi-Fems without a camera"

Face it, you're a man and we all know it.

"Is it really as bad as that?"

Actually, no it isn't, but if you've read this far you are probably quite keen. As #cuseemesex is an IRC channel, how you behave there will effect your place on the pecking order quite dramatically as people only get to form an opinion of you from what you say, and those opinions stick like an egg-stain on your chin.

You should aim to get to know people, as almost no-one will connect to someone they don't know. Make friends, be yourself, be witty, urbane, interested in the other person as a person and not just as an amount of flesh to get your rocks off over. If that sounds too much like hard work, then you need to get some social skills quickly, before you wank yourself to death and die a lonely virgin.

"I'm not very bright, what constitutes bad behaviour?"

Well, in the interests of bandwidth, you can see examples of moronic IRC behaviour here, showing what you really shouldn't be doing if you want to have success.

And you can now also see what is considered dumb on reflectors.

If that doesn't make things clearer then here's my final piece of advice: Behave on IRC in a similar way you'd behave in a pub (or bar if you are from the wrong side of the Atlantic); if you're socially inadequate may I suggest you get a life, or someone else's as you'll be ripped to shreds on the channel.

"I've read that, and I don't believe that anyone behaves as stupidly as you say"

You don't do you? Well just to show you how moronic some people are you can now read The HotGirl Chronicles here. If after reading those you still don't believe some people aren't morons, you're probably in them.

"So you're just saying that camless people are scum, correct?"

No, not at all. And I am not advocating that you ignore or abuse those without a camera. What I am saying is that you should maintain a level of politeness to everyone, including lurkers. Just because some men pretend to be a woman without a cam it doesn't mean that all camless women are really men, and if you treat them like shit you may just blow your chances of a hot DC later on.

"But she says she's really hot and want to connect to me, but doesn't have a cam"

It's entirely up to you. But think about it, do you really know who's on the other end? It could be a bald, fat old man who gets his jollies looking at men, or a 13 year old boy, or someone taking screen-caps and posting them to Usenet, or the Feds, or your mother, or Bob Dole, or Bob Dole's mother, etc . If that doesn't bother you then go right ahead and enjoy yourself.

"But she's got pictures of herself!"

Whoopy do.

Think about it for a while; there are dozens of Usenet newsgroups and hundreds of web-pages (not to mention loads of IRC channels) dedicated to nothing more than pictures. So what guarantee that your erstwhile CU DCee hasn't just grabbed some of those and sent them to you? Don't bother answering that because the answer is that you haven't got one. Oh, and if the pics you get look a lots like pictures of Pamela Anderson that should be setting off alarm bells.

And as one, final reminder, HotGirl had a pic, do you think she was a real woman?

"I'm still confused"

If you want me to continue my hourly charges are available via email.

"That wasn't a very helpful answer!"

As I said at the top, this is only a guide, not a set of hard and fast rules. By following most of these guidelines you will improve your chances of actually seeing something, but I'm not offering any guarantees. A personality is still required, preferably with a sense of humour included.

"So, you're the most successful CUer who ever lived then?"

Yes.

"Is that really true?"

No, I was lying.

"So where do I go from here?"

Hopefully onward an upward, if you've read everything and understood it you'll understand better what #cuseemesex is and isn't all about. It is a place for adults to hang around to chat, meet and make friends and have a good time (which may include having fun on Cu-SeeMe); what is most certainly isn't is a meat market stocked with prime flesh for your viewing pleasure on demand. Once you've figured out this one simple fact you'll be well on your way to having fun.

"So why are you offering free clues like this?"

Purely for selfish reasons. I've got a very low tolerance of morons and morons tend to make the channel a less pleasant place to be. I'll admit that taking the piss out of them is fun, but simple weight of numbers dictates that this approach won't work for long. I could say something worthy like "If one HNG learns the error of his ways by reading these pages then my work will be complete" but I won't as I think that's bollocks. The real reason was to be able to make a lot of piss-poor jokes at the expense of morons, and any educational content is purely accidental.

"By the way, you keep spelling 'behavior' wrong."

Go away you silly colonial.

All text is copyright © 1996-1997 Andrew Clarke, and may not be used without permission
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