Long Way Back
By: Lori (SixteenOzs)

DISCLAIMER: "ER" and the characters and situations depicted within are the property of Warner Brothers Television, Amblin Entertainment, Constant C Productions, NBC, etc. They are borrowed without permission, but without the intent of infringement. The story presented here is written solely for entertainment purposes and the author is making no profit.

Please do not post or redistribute without the disclaimer above, or without the consent of the author.

Feedback is welcome. Please send all questions, comments, and (constructive) criticisms to SixteenOzs02@yahoo.com

This story is dedicated to Megan, who usually thinks I'm crazy but puts up with me just the same.

SUMMARY: As Mark struggles to recover from the attack, Susan's decision to return to Chicago only complicates things further.

BACKGROUND: This story begins immediately after the third season finale, "One More For The Road," two weeks after Mark was attacked in the men's restroom at the hospital, and six months after Susan moved to Phoenix.

Chicago, IL
Thursday, May 15, 1997
9:00 P.M.

Mark Greene's hand trembled as he unlocked the door to his apartment. Once inside, he carefully locked the door and leaned against it, trying to catch his breath. After tossing his coat and bag on the sofa, he sat down in a chair facing the window.

"What the hell was I thinking?" he asked himself, resting his head in his hands. "It was stupid. Just plain stupid!"

He walked into the kitchen to get a beer as he tried to make sense of the night's events. Walking back to the window, he muttered, "I should have never even bought the damn gun. I'm a doctor. I work in the ER. I see what these things can do. What was I thinking?"

Things hadn't been the same since he was attacked in a restroom at the hospital two weeks ago. Since then, he was always on edge, constantly looking over his shoulder. He bought the gun hoping it would make him feel safer, but it only seemed to make things worse.

Earlier, while riding the El home from work, three teenagers started asking him for money. He refused and got off the train. When the teenagers followed him, he pulled the gun and forced them back on the train. Luckily, no one was hurt, but he still didn't like the way the gun made him feel. It went against everything he knew. He'd worked in the ER too long. He'd seen too many lives cut short for no good reason. And, in the back of his mind, he knew that by owning that gun he was no better than the bastard who'd attacked him. It was probably that thought, more than anything else, which made him decide to get rid of it.

After leaving the El platform, he ran to a nearby bridge and tossed the gun into the murky water below. Looking back, he realized that it was probably the wisest decision he'd made in some time. "Otherwise, I may have been tempted to use it on myself," he thought wearily.

As he sat at the window, he noticed it had started to rain again. He didn't mind the rain. In fact, it seemed to fit his mood. Watching the droplets gather on the glass, he tried to figure out just where things had gone wrong.

During med school and his residency, the emergency room became a second home to him. Whenever something went wrong, he would throw himself into his work. On more than one occasion, he'd even compared it to a family, but it just didn't feel like that anymore. And since the attack, he dreaded going back there.

It wasn't just his professional life that was unraveling. His personal life wasn't much better. His dedication to his work had placed an additional strain on an already troubled marriage. About two years ago, his wife moved to Milwaukee to further her career as an attorney. They had since divorced and he only got to see his daughter a few times a month.

It seemed like the only thing he could depend on was his best friend, Susan Lewis, but even that changed. After his divorce, he and Susan started spending more time together. Their friendship grew and he slowly realized that he was in love with her. He was afraid of getting hurt again, so he never told her how he felt. By the time he was finally able to gather the courage to confess his feelings, Susan had decided that there was nothing left for her in Chicago and she was moving to Phoenix to be closer to her sister and niece. He had been heartbroken when she left.

At first, he dated so many women he could barely keep up with all of them, but he soon realized that wasn't his style. His only serious relationship had been with Nina Pomerantz, a psychiatrist at the hospital. They had been out several times and they had fun together, but in his heart, he knew she could never replace Susan. It didn't help that he had been avoiding Nina since the attack. Whenever he was around her, he felt as if she was trying to analyze him; treating him like a patient, instead of a friend. He also noticed that he was missing Susan more than ever. Before she left, they would often spend hours talking to each other about anything, and everything. He could really use that now. He needed someone he could talk to, someone he could trust.

By now, Mark was on his third beer and he knew he would pay for it tomorrow, but he really didn't care about that at the moment. He had the next two days off and he hoped that the beer would help him sleep. Ever since the attack, the pain from his bruised ribs and nightmares had been keeping him up.

He remembered the last time he drank this much. It was the night Susan left for Phoenix. He took another drink from his beer as he tried to fight back that painful memory.

"Susan! Susan! Susan!" he called as he ran
towards her train.

"Mark, are you okay?" Susan asked with a surprised smile,
"You came to say goodbye!"

"No. Stay. I want you to stay," Mark said as he
tried to catch his breath.

"But, Mark?" Susan asked in confusion.

"I love you. And I'm stupid for not saying it
before," he confessed.

"No, it's okay. I knew, in a way I knew," she
admitted.

"Stay! We belong together. Tell me you don't feel
the same," Mark pleaded.

She stopped before she said, "I'm sorry."

"We're right together," he begged.

"Mark, you are my best friend. I don't know how
I'm going to make it without you," she said, trying
not to cry.

"Don't go!" he said simply.

"I have to. I don't belong here anymore. I have a
new life, it's going in a different direction," she
tried to explain.

"Susan, I don't want to lose you," he said as he
fought back tears.

Susan then gave Mark a kiss, which he thought seemed
to last forever but still ended much too quickly. "I'll
never forget you," she promised as the conductor pulled
her onto the train.

As the train started to pull away, she leaned back
out and said, "I do love you."

"What?" Mark asked, not having heard what she said.

"I love you! Bye!" she said with a smile and a
wave.

He barely managed to raise his hand as he watched
the train disappear, taking the most important
thing in his life with it.

After going into the kitchen for another beer, he glanced at a photograph on his desk. A few months before she left, they had gone on separate blind dates, but ran into each other at an amusement park. After ditching their dates, Mark and Susan headed for a photo booth and took four pictures. The last one showed him with his arm around her and they were both smiling for the camera. He took the picture to a photo shop and had them enlarge it. Then he got two copies and put them in identical frames. He gave her one copy for her birthday, a few weeks before she left. The other copy was on his desk.

There had been several times over the past six months when he'd been tempted to put the picture away, in the bottom of a drawer or in the back of a closet. He could never bring himself to actually do it, because in a way, getting rid of that picture would have meant that everything they'd shared was over. A part of him knew, and had even accepted, that it ended when her train pulled away, but in spite of that he just couldn't forget everything they'd been through together. He doubted if he'd ever be able to forget her. He picked up the picture and walked into his bedroom. As he lay down, he traced Susan's face with his finger. "Why, Susan? Why did you have to leave me? I know we would have been good for each other," he whispered as he drifted off into a drunken slumber.

Phoenix, AZ
Thursday, May 15, 1997
8:00 P.M.

Susan Lewis stood in her sister's kitchen as she helped Chloe dry the last of the dinner dishes.

"Sus, you okay? You look kinda nervous," Chloe commented as she glanced at her sister.

"I'm okay, Chloe. I guess I am a little nervous, but I know that this is the best thing for me," Susan said with a smile.

"Little Susie and I are really going to miss you."

"I know. I'm going to miss you, too," Susan said as she felt the tears gathering in her eyes.

"We never would have made it this far without you," Chloe admitted as a tear slid down her cheek.

"Chloe, you're going to do fine without me. You and Joe have a good life here. That's great, it really is. I am so proud of you. I always knew you could do it, it just took you a little longer to figure it out," Susan said with a bittersweet smile. "You don't need me as much as you once did; I'm just getting in the way here. It's time for me to start living my own life again."

"Susan, thank you for everything," Chloe said as she hugged her sister.

"You're welcome, Chloe," Susan said as she felt the tears begin to fall.

After she wiped her face, Susan looked at her watch. "Well, I've got a long trip ahead of me tomorrow. I should soon get to sleep, but I need to make a phone call first. Can I use the phone in your room?" Susan asked.

"Sure. Help yourself."

Susan walked into the bedroom, she closed the door and picked up the phone. Sitting down on the bed, she quickly dialed the familiar number.

"Hello?" Carol Hathaway answered.

"Hi, Carol! It's me, Susan."

"Susan?! It's great to hear from you. How are things in Phoenix?"

"Not too bad, but you won't be able to ask me that for much longer," Susan said with a laugh.

"What do you mean?" Carol asked.

"I'm moving back to Chicago!!"

"You're WHAT???!!!"

"You heard me. I'm coming home."

"That's... that's great, but when did all of this come about?" Carol wondered aloud.

"The last few weeks. Since I only spent six months of my residency at Phoenix Memorial, they weren't able to give me a spot as an attending. I needed to get my transcripts together before I could look for another job, so I had to call Dr. Morgenstern. He told me that he was taking a job in Dallas and that Kerry Weaver was going to be the new Chief at County. Since I'd spent most of my residency there, he suggested that I come back to the ER as an attending. I was never really that happy here and I'd been missing Chicago, so I said yes."

"What about Susie?" Carol asked.

"It's taken me six months, but I finally realized that all I really wanted to do was make sure that Chloe was taking care of Susie. Now, I've seen that Chloe can be a good mother. I'm just getting in the way. Don't get me wrong, I'll miss both of them. I may even spend my vacations and holidays out here, but there are a few things that Chicago has that Phoenix just can't match."

"Would this happen to include a certain ER attending?" Carol asked coyly.

"Yes," Susan answered sheepishly. "Speaking of which, how is Mark?"

From her tone, Carol suddenly realized that Susan probably hadn't heard about Mark's attack. "Have you talked to Mark lately? Does he know that you're coming back?" she asked apprehensively.

"No. Why? Is something wrong?" Susan asked quickly, not liking the sound of Carol's voice.

Carol took a deep breath before she answered, "I'm sorry, Susan. I thought you knew about the attack."

By now, Susan's heart was pounding so loudly she was sure Carol could hear it through the phone. "What attack?" she whispered, afraid of what Carol might say next.

"A few weeks ago, Mark was attacked in the restroom at work." Carol heard Susan gasp on the other end of the phone, so she quickly continued. "Physically, he's doing better now, but whoever attacked him worked him over pretty well. He ended up with a broken hand, a few bruised ribs, a concussion, and a lot of scrapes and bruises. Luckily, Doug found him not too long after it happened." When she didn't hear a response, Carol asked, "Susan, are you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here. So, how is he?" Susan asked quietly.

"Like I said, physically he's healing, but emotionally he's a mess. He met with the police again today. They told him that more than likely it was some guy who's got a thing against doctors. After the police left, he tore up the lounge. He broke a chair, the coffeepot, and a bunch of mugs. He'd assumed the attacker was a disgruntled patient or family member who came after him specifically. Doug's pretty sure Mark felt better thinking the attack was directed at him, and if he had done his job better he could have prevented the whole thing. But now, he knows that there was nothing he could have done differently."

"Damn it," Susan swore quietly. "I should have been there for him."

"Susan, you couldn't have done anything to prevent this," Carol said, trying to reason with her friend.

"I know, but I should have been there."

"Well, you're coming back, so you can help him now."

"Yeah," Susan said somewhat absently, her mind still focused on Mark.

"So, when are you coming?" Carol asked.

Susan turned her attention back to the conversation, "My train leaves tomorrow evening. I should be in Chicago sometime Sunday morning. I start back at County on Monday. The movers picked up my things today, so I'm spending the night with Joe and Chloe. They're taking me to the station tomorrow."

"Do you have a place to stay yet?"

"Well, since I probably won't be able to get my old apartment back," Susan said with a laugh, "I was planning to stay in a hotel until I can find a new one."

"Why don't you stay with me?" Carol suggested.

"Are you sure? I wouldn't want to impose."

"You wouldn't be. I'll warn you now, it's not that fancy, but I'd love to have you stay here."

"Thank you, Carol."

"Don't mention it," Carol replied. "Oh, there's one other thing I almost forgot."

"What's that?"

"Doug and I are getting back together, so he might be around the house quite a bit," she said, the smile evident in her voice.

"Carol, that's great! Why didn't you tell me this before? How long have you been back together?"

"Well, we've become pretty good friends, and now I think we're ready for something more. Doug's changed a lot in the last few months. He came by here tonight and we kissed. He came in, we talked, and we both finally admitted that there's a lot still there. We going to try getting back together, but we're going to take it a lot slower, so we can avoid all of the mistakes we made last time."

"I'm really happy for you. You both deserve this."

"Thanks, Susan. Now, Doug and I'll just have to figure out a way to get you and Mark together."

"Don't you dare!" Susan said as she tried to sound offended.

"Come on, Susan. Everyone saw the way you two were acting around each other before you left."

"I just hope he'll be happy to see me," she sighed.

"He will be. He might not realize it at first, but he will be."

"Thanks," Susan laughed. "I would love to talk longer, but I really need to get some sleep. I'll see you Sunday."

"Hope you have a safe trip. I'm working Sunday, but I'll see if Doug can meet you at Union."

"Thanks for everything, Carol. Bye!"

"You're welcome. Bye!"

As Susan hung up the phone, she went into the guest bedroom that she was temporarily using. She opened her suitcase, and lying on top was a photograph of her and Mark. He'd given it to her for her birthday. As she laid down on the bed, she whispered, "Hold on, Mark. I'm on my way home."

Outside Phoenix, AZ
Friday, May 16, 1997
9:30 P.M.

Susan sat on the train and stared out into the dark Arizona desert. She had shared a tearful goodbye with Joe, Chloe, and Susie before she boarded the train, but she knew that this was what she had to do. And most importantly, what she wanted to do.

Susan tried to go to sleep, but all she could do was think about Mark. She had a crush on Mark Greene almost since the day they met. But, at that time, he was married so she kept her feelings to herself and settled for a close friendship. After his divorce, she had secretly hoped that their relationship would grow into something more. Last summer, she had even asked him to join her on a vacation to Maui. His reaction lead her to believe that he was appalled by her suggestion and that he wanted their relationship to remain platonic. So, she left for Maui alone, but her fear of flying forced her to land in Phoenix, where she visited with Chloe and Susie. While she was on vacation, she realized that her relationship with Mark wasn't going anywhere beyond friendship, and she started to think about moving to Phoenix to be closer to her family.

A few months after Susie was born, Chloe went off to "find herself" and left Susan to care for her niece. During the time Chloe was gone, Susan became the little girl's mother, she had even planned to adopt Susie. Susan had been devastated when Chloe returned for Susie and then moved to Phoenix. Since then, Susan had known that something was missing in her life. She longed to feel that she was needed, that she was loved. She felt that while she was on vacation in Phoenix. For the first time in months, she felt as if she belonged somewhere.

It wasn't until she was boarding the train to Phoenix that Mark confessed he loved her and wanted her to stay in Chicago. By then, she had closed that chapter of her life, and felt that it was too late to turn back. She had committed herself to a new life in Phoenix.

"Why didn't he say something sooner?" Susan asked the question that had been plaguing her for the last six months. They spent a lot of time together before she left, going out to dinner or a movie or just talking over drinks at each other's apartments. She smiled as she remembered all of the good times that they had shared, and the not so good times that they had helped each other through. There were several nights when she had been sure that something was going to happen between the two of them, but it never did. Looking back, she realized that they were both probably afraid of what might happen if they became more than "just friends." It wouldn't have been difficult for a romantic relationship to change the friendship that they had shared for so many years. Maybe that was why she didn't stay when he asked her to. Maybe she'd been afraid that the reality of a relationship with Mark wouldn't have been as good as the one she had imagined for so long.

"And what if you gave up the best relationship of your life?" a tiny voice asked her for what seemed like the millionth time. Over the years, her life and her job had clouded her once optimistic outlook, but in her heart, she still believed that everyone had one true love in their lifetime. The possibility that Mark was her one true love had worried her ever since she left Chicago. That same thought was a large part of what was drawing her back there now.

Phoenix hadn't been all that Susan expected either. Sure, she loved being Susie's aunt, but a part of her would always want to be the little girl's mother. And as much as she hated to admit it, a significant part of the reason she moved to Phoenix was to make sure that Chloe was taking care of Susie. Much to Susan's surprise, Chloe had truly turned over a new leaf. She was clean, sober, and had even gotten a promotion at work. After being in Phoenix for a few months, Susan realized that she could only find the love and the happiness she was looking for on her own, she couldn't find it by barging in on what Chloe and Joe had found together.

She had gone on several dates while she was in Phoenix, but they all ended disastrously. Most of the guys she dated were either too strange, too hung up on themselves, or they were on the rebound from a past relationship. One night, she went on a blind date with a hypochondriac who spent the entire evening asking her about his various medical problems. She finally excused herself to use the restroom and walked out the front door of the restaurant. As she walked back to her apartment, she couldn't help but think of a similar date she had in Chicago, where she escaped through the bathroom window. For a moment, she laughed as she tried to imagine how Mark would react to her latest escape, but then she realized that he was hundreds of miles away. Once she got to her apartment, she sat down and thought about where her life was headed, and where she wanted it to go. The more she thought about it, she realized that Mark had been a much larger part of her life than she ever imagined. She also realized that the thought of a future without him wasn't very appealing.

As Susan reclined her seat on the train, she stared out at the stars and silently prayed that she was doing the right thing, and that it wouldn't be too late to save her relationship with Mark.

Chicago, IL
Sunday, May 18, 1997
10:30 A.M.

Susan was stiff and tired as she stepped off the train and onto the platform. She had tried to get some sleep on the train, but her thoughts were filled with all of the memories she had shared with Mark. Mostly, she thought of the last time she saw him. For her, the worst part of that memory was knowing that she lied to her best friend. She told him that their lives were moving in different directions and that she knew how he felt about her. At that time, their lives were moving in different directions, but it was only because she did not know how he felt. She was leaving because she didn't think he cared about her and she didn't think that there was anything left for her in Chicago.

As she looked around the platform, everything about that November afternoon came flooding back to her. She felt a stray tear slip down her cheek as she recalled the expression on Mark's face when he realized that she was really leaving Chicago. She smiled as she remembered the wonderful kiss that they shared before she got on the train. Feeling her stomach twist into knots, she again prayed that it wasn't too late.

"Susan! Susan! Over here!" a male voice called.

Susan turned to see Doug Ross coming towards her. "Hi, Doug! How are you?"

"I'm doing all right. It's great to have you back," Doug said as they shared a hug. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," Susan said with a smile.

"Carol's going to be jealous, it's still in the 50s here and you already have a great tan," Doug joked.

"That was one of the few perks to Phoenix," Susan said with a laugh.

"Carol's at work, but she gave me a key to her place and suggested that we drop off your things and have lunch. Why don't we pick up your bags and we can catch up on everything there," Doug suggested.

"Great idea," Susan replied.

Chicago, IL
Sunday, May 18, 1997
12:00 Noon

Susan came downstairs after taking a quick shower and changing into navy pants and a white short sleeved sweater. As she walked into the kitchen, she saw Doug setting the table. "Is lunch ready?" she asked.

"Almost, I just got back from picking up the pizza."

Susan sat at the table, leaned her head back and sighed. She decided to finally ask the question that she had been avoiding since she got back, "So, how's Mark doing?"

"I wish I knew, Susan. I really wish I knew," Doug said as he handed her a slice of pizza and took the seat across from her. "Carol told you about the attack, didn't she?" After Susan gave a quick nod, Doug continued, "He hasn't been telling me much, but I'm worried about him."

"How do you think he'll react to seeing me?" Susan asked apprehensively.

"Good question, I just wish I had an answer. He's got a lot on his mind right now." He paused before he said, "I'm not going to lie to you, Susan. He was really hurt when you left. He hasn't said anything, but deep down I think he still cares about you. You always have to remember that, and don't let him forget it either," Doug said with an encouraging smile.

"Thanks, Doug," Susan said. "How bad was it, after I left?"

"Let's just put it this way, he called a staff meeting and designed a new board for the admit desk, each doctor was assigned a color," Doug said.

"Mark GREENE did this?" Susan asked in disbelief.

"The one and only. He was 'Weavered' for a few weeks, then he settled back down."

"Now that's a scary thought," Susan joked. "Two of the attendings at Phoenix Memorial were each about ten times worse than Weaver."

"So, that's the real reason you're back, huh?" Doug said with a laugh.

"Looks like you got me," she grinned.

"Are you ready to be an attending here?"

"Well, I guess we'll both know in less than twenty-four hours."

"You'll do great," Doug said.

"Thanks."

After lunch, Susan and Doug were still sitting around the kitchen table talking, when Susan looked at her watch. "I'd better get going. I'm supposed to meet Dr. Morgenstern at one-thirty to make sure everything is cleared for my transfer back. Is Mark working today?"

"Yeah, I checked the schedule while I was at work Friday. I think he's on until seven or eight," Doug said.

"I'll see you later."

"Good luck," Doug said as she headed out the door.

"Thanks," Susan called back.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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