Long Way Back
By: Lori (SixteenOzs)

DISCLAIMER: "ER" and the characters and situations depicted within are the property of Warner Brothers Television, Amblin Entertainment, Constant C Productions, NBC, etc. They are borrowed without permission, but without the intent of infringement. The story presented here is written solely for entertainment purposes and the author is making no profit.

Please do not post or redistribute without the disclaimer above, or without the consent of the author.

Feedback is welcome. Please send all questions, comments, and (constructive) criticisms to SixteenOzs02@yahoo.com

Chicago, IL
Monday, May 19, 1997
7:00 P.M.

"Hello," Mark said as he walked up to the hostess at Marcelli's. "I'm supposed to be meeting a friend here at seven, his name is Doug Ross."

After consulting the reservation book before her, the hostess looked up and said, "Yes, sir. Right this way." She led Mark to a small table in the candle-lit restaurant. "Here you are, sir. I hope you enjoy your meal."

"Thank you," Mark said, but it wasn't until she turned to leave that he realized someone was already seated at the table. "Susan?"

"Mark?" she looked up in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Carol had to cover a shift for another nurse tonight and Doug already had reservations, so he asked me to join him for dinner."

"That's funny, he gave me the same story," Susan said with a nervous laugh.

"Looks like we've been set-up."

"Yeah, looks like it," Susan said. An awkward silence hung over the table as they tried to decide what to do next. Susan finally suggested, "Why don't you sit down?"

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Of course. You're already here, and I hate to eat alone."

"Remind me to kill Doug when I get to work tomorrow," Mark said under his breath as he sat down.

"No, I think killing him would be too easy."

"You're right. We need to plot revenge."

"Now there's an idea. We could always put his leg in a cast while he's asleep at the hospital," Susan said with a smile.

Mark stared at her for a moment, realizing just how much he had missed seeing that smile. "No, I don't think so," he finally responded. "Doug's a pretty light sleeper, he'd be awake as soon as we got in the room. Besides, we already used that on Carter."

"And if I recall, he got us back for that, too. Remember when he started that rumor about our 'affair?'"

They both smiled as they recalled the memory. "Maybe we could start a rumor about Doug and Carol. You know - engagement, marriage, pregnancy," Mark suggested.

"Interesting idea," Susan said, "but I think they beat us to it. Anna Del Amico introduced herself to me this afternoon and she told me that she thought a fall wedding would be nice."

Mark laughed and said, "I think I'll just put Doug on the graveyard shift for the rest of the year.

"Or you could always tell Anspaugh that he and Carol volunteered for extra weekend shifts on the Health Mobile."

"That just might work," Mark said thoughtfully.

"Excuse me, Dr. Greene?" a man asked as he approached their table.

"Yes, I'm Mark Greene. How can I help you?"

"My name is Anthony Marcelli. I own this restaurant. I believe we have a mutual friend, Douglas Ross?"

"Yes, we work with Doug at County General," Mark said as he gave Susan a curious glance.

Mr. Marcelli nodded and said, "Douglas asked me to give you this." He laid an envelope on the table. "I hope you enjoy your dinner. Please let me know if there is anything I can get for you."

"Thank you," Mark said as the other man turned to leave. "I wonder what this is?" he asked, picking up the envelope with his name on it. Inside, Mark found a note from Doug.

Mark,

Sorry I couldn't make it do dinner, but I'm sure
you'll like my "replacement." Anyway, I hope you
both have a great time. I've taken care of
everything with Anthony and dinner is on me. I'll
expect a full report tomorrow.

Doug

PS Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

"So, what did Doug have to say?" Susan asked as Mark put the note back on the table.

"Not much, just that he did set us up, but he's paying for dinner. He's also expecting a full report tomorrow."

"Yeah, right," Susan said with a laugh. "Well since Doug's paying, I think we should order the most expensive thing on the menu, what do you think?"

"I think that's an excellent idea," Mark said as he looked over the menu.

After the waiter took their orders, Mark and Susan sipped their drinks in silence. Mark finally said, "I'm really sorry about the way I've been acting. It was uncalled-for and I was out of line. Can you forgive me?"

Susan looked at him for a moment, somewhat surprised that he had brought the subject up. "Of course I forgive you, Mark. But you really don't need to apologize. I haven't exactly been treating you fairly. Seeing me in the ER yesterday had to be a shock. I should have let you know that I was coming back."

"That's okay."

"Mark," she began, "I have an apology of my own to make. I'm sorry for, well, for just about everything. For not being completely honest with you, for leaving, for hurting you." Susan paused and nervously pushed a lock of hair behind her ear as she tried to compose what she was going to say next. "When I left your apartment last night, I was mad. I was mad at you for not understanding why I had to leave, but most of all, I was mad at myself. I knew I hurt you when I left; I tried not to think about it, but I knew. Hearing it from you was a lot harder than I expected. Last night, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and I realized that I did the same thing to you that Chloe did to me. She turned my life upside down when she abandoned Susie. She did it again when she came back and took Susie to Arizona. The worst part was that she didn't even seem to notice, and if she did notice, she didn't seem to care. I hated her for it, I truly hated her." Susan stopped, took a deep breath, and closed her eyes to hold back the tears. After a moment, she opened her eyes and continued, "So, what I guess I'm trying to say is that I understand if you hate me. You'll probably never know how sorry I am for hurting you, but I can't honestly say that I regret moving to Phoenix. I regret what it did to you, to us, but I needed to know that Chloe was taking care of Susie, for my own piece of mind. Now that I have that, I think I'm ready to move on with my life. One day, I hope you can forgive me, and maybe we can even be friends like before. But, I understand if you can't."

Mark let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. For the first time, he thought he understood why she left. It wasn't because she didn't care about him, it was because she loved her niece and needed to make sure Susie was taken care of. He often asked himself if he could ever forgive her for leaving, but it wasn't until he was sitting there that he knew the answer. "I could never hate you, Susan. That's part of the problem," he said with a slight smile. As strange as it sounded, it would have been easier to hate her, but what he felt for her was too strong, and much harder to deal with. "Right now, I'm not sure where our relationship is going, or where I want it to go," he knew that wasn't exactly the truth, but it was a safer answer, at least for the time being, "but I do know that I want us to be friends. I missed you."

"I missed you, too," she said quietly.

"When you moved to Phoenix, you did what you thought was best. I can't hold that against you."

"Thank you," she said with a sincere smile as the waiter brought their dinner.

They enjoyed the rest of the meal. Susan told Mark about Joe, Chloe, and Susie, and about Phoenix Memorial. Mark caught Susan up on events at County, and Doug and Carol's renewed relationship. She noticed that he carefully avoided any mention of the attack, and for now, she decided to let that pass. For some reason, even she couldn't fully explain, she knew this was bothering him more than he would admit. From what Doug and Carol told her, and from what she'd seen herself, she knew he was dangerously close to self-destruction. She was determined to do everything she could to prevent that from happening.

As they were walking out of the restaurant after dinner, Susan said, "So, what do you want to do now?"

"We could go back to my place and watch a movie. I think I even have some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in the freezer."

"That's sounds great," Susan said with a smile. She was a little surprised that he remembered her favorite flavor of ice cream.

After they went back to Mark's apartment, Susan picked out a movie as Mark changed clothes. He came out of the bedroom a few minutes later. "What did you choose?" he asked.

"'The Wizard of Oz,'" she replied. "Dorothy was right. 'There's no place like home.'"

He laughed, "That's currently Rachel's favorite, too. By the way, I laid some of my sweats on the bed in case you want to change. I know they're too big, but I figured you'd be more comfortable," he said, commenting on the dress that she had worn to dinner.

"Thanks," Susan said as she headed into the bedroom to change.

Before she reached the door, he said, "Susan?"

"Yeah?"

"In case I forgot to mention it earlier, you look great tonight."

"Thanks," she said with a smile as she closed the bedroom door behind her.

He was in the kitchen fixing the ice cream when she came out. "Wow," he said softly.

"What?" Susan asked.

"Nothing. I was just wondering how that could look so much better on you."

She laughed and shook her head, as her face became a few shades brighter.

"So, are you ready for the movie?" he asked as he handed her a spoon.

"Lead the way," she said as they headed into the living room.

Chicago, IL
Tuesday, May 20, 1997
1:15 A.M.

Susan stretched as she woke up and looked around. She smiled as she realized that she must have fallen asleep during the movie, and Mark covered her up with a blanket. She got up and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. As she was looking through the cabinets for a glass, she thought she heard Mark's voice coming from the bedroom. Walking over to the door, she knocked softly and said, "Mark? Are you awake?" He didn't answer, but she could still hear him. She turned the knob and opened the door slowly. "Mark? Is everything okay?" she asked quietly.

She saw Mark tossing and turning in bed. It was obvious that he was having a nightmare. She quickly walked over to him and tried to wake him up. "Mark! Wake up! It's me, Susan."

He awoke and sat up, gasping for air. "Mark, it's okay. It was just a dream. Everything's going to be okay," she said as she rubbed his back. "Wait here, I'll be back in a second."

Mark lay back in bed and tried to catch his breath. Susan came back a moment later and sat on the edge of the bed as she wiped his face with a cool washcloth. "Are you okay?" she asked, her voice filled with concern.

He sat up and slowly nodded before he said, "Damn it. I hate this."

"Mark, how long has this been going on?" she asked softly.

"Ever since the attack," he admitted, "about two weeks."

"You feel like talking about it?"

"Yeah," he said quietly. He told her what he could remember about the attack and everything that had happened since then. He ended by telling her about throwing the gun in the river Thursday night. After he finished, he added, "You know, I keep thinking about something you once told me."

"What's that?"

"I think it was after Chloe came back for Susie. You told me 'The healers are always taught to move on, and for the life of me, I can't seem to do that now.'" He sighed, "I've worked in the ER for eight years, and one of the first things I learned was that there are always more patients, and no matter how bad it gets, you've got to keep going. Some cases are a lot harder than others, like Carol or Raul, but even those we chalk up as an unusual exception so we can move on." He stopped, and his voice cracked as he added, "It's not that easy to move on when you're the one waking up in a trauma room, and you can't remember what happened during the last hour or how you even got there."

She took his hand as she stared into his eyes. "I know," she said. "I wish I could give you an easy answer, Mark. I really do. But from what I've learned, I don't think there is one. We just have to remember that there are still a lot of people out there depending on us, and we may need to lean on our friends a little more to make it through." She paused before she asked, "Have you thought of seeing someone about this, you know, a psychiatrist?"

"Susan, I don't know," he started to protest.

"Come on, Mark. You said it yourself, you've been having these nightmares for two weeks. You're not getting enough sleep. If you let it, this will destroy you, and I don't want see that happen. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Carol went after her suicide attempt, I went after I lost Susie, and Doug went after what happened with Nadine. I will ALWAYS be here if you want to talk, but I really think you should see someone who can help you."

"I'll think about it," he said seriously.

"Please," Susan said. "Do you think you can get some sleep now?"

"I'll try. Thanks, Susan."

"You're welcome," she said as she got up and headed for the door.

"Susan?" he called.

"Yeah?" she turned to face him.

He was quiet for a moment before he said, "Would you mind staying in here, with me. I don't want to be alone right now."

She smiled and said, "Sure."

Susan lay down on the bed beside Mark. They were both lying on their sides, facing each other. "Can I ask you something?" he said.

"Of course."

He looked away from her and took a deep breath, then he said, "The night you told me you were moving to Phoenix, would it have made a difference if I'd said something then?"

She stared at him for a minute. Over the last six months, she'd often asked herself why he didn't say something sooner, but she'd never really thought about what she would have done if he had. She finally answered him, "I don't know. Maybe."

He turned to look at her and gave a quick nod, as if to say, "I thought so."

"Mark," she said slowly, "I think it's safe to say that, if given the chance, we would have both done things a lot differently last fall. But I don't want you to blame yourself for everything. I had a choice, and I decided to get on that train."

Seeing how hard this was for her, he said, "And I do understand why you did that. You needed to make sure Susie was okay."

She nodded, "But I left for all of the wrong reasons. I was telling myself that I was moving on, but the truth was that I was still trying to hold onto the past. In a way, I think I left because I was afraid."

"Of what?" he asked.

"I'd just been in Phoenix a month before, so I thought I had a pretty good idea of what was waiting for me there. I knew that leaving you would be the hardest part about leaving Chicago, so I convinced myself that we could still be friends. But after you came to the station, no matter what I decided, things here in Chicago, things between us, would never be the same. It was easier to get on that train and run away, hoping that by some miracle things would be okay here," she said as a tear streaked down her cheek.

He reached across and wiped the tear away before he asked, "So, why did you come back?"

"Honestly?" she said with a smile. He nodded. "I saw that Chloe was taking care of Susie, and they didn't need me. I realized that I hadn't moved on when I left Chicago, I'd just moved away. To move on, I had to stop doing what I thought was best for Susie or Chloe. For the first time in a long time, I only had to decide what was best for myself," she stopped for a moment. "After giving it a lot of thought, I realized just what I'd left behind here. I missed you. I missed having someone I could trust and turn to for advice at work. I missed having someone that I could share a pizza and a movie with after work. I missed all of the little things that we did together. I don't think there was a day that went by where I didn't think of you and wonder how you were doing, but the worst was when I'd just want to share the craziest thing with you, and then I'd realize that you were eighteen hundred miles away. So, to answer your question, I guess I came back because of you."

"I'm glad you did."

"Me, too."

Susan watched as Mark drifted off to sleep. She was worried about him. The fear she had seen in his eyes when he woke up still sent a chill down her spine. In the darkness, she reached out and stroked his face. "Mark, I'm not going to let this destroy you, or us," she whispered.

Chicago, IL
Tuesday, May 20, 1997
7:45 A.M.

"So, who do you think they're from?" Lydia Wright Grabarski asked Jerry as they sat at the admitting desk.

"Who are what from?" Doug asked as he joined them.

"The roses," Jerry said, gesturing to the vase of twelve white roses sitting on the counter. "They're for Dr. Lewis. We're trying to decide who they're from."

"Why don't you check the card?" Doug suggested.

"Envelope's sealed," Jerry replied.

Doug laughed and said, "Well, looks like you'll soon find out. Good morning, Susan."

"I'm not speaking to you," Susan said as she walked up to the desk. "Morning, Jerry, Lydia."

"Morning, Dr. Lewis. The florist just delivered those for you," Jerry said pointing at the roses.

"Ohh, roses," Susan said with a smile. "I wonder who they're from?"

"Why don't you open the card and find out," Doug said sarcastically.

"I think I will," Susan said as she picked up the card and smelt the roses. She smiled as she read the card.

Thank you for caring.

Those four simple words went straight to her heart. She still didn't know exactly how everything was going to work out, but she knew that moving back to Chicago was the best decision she had ever made.

"So?" Lydia asked. "Who are they from?"

"Welcome back gift from Dr. Morgenstern?" Jerry suggested.

"Dr. Anspaugh?" Lydia added.

"Dr. Weaver?" Jerry said with a laugh.

Doug, who had been watching the whole scene in amusement, finally suggested, "Dr. Greene?"

Susan turned quickly to look at Doug, and from the smile on her face and the color that was quickly rising to her cheeks, he knew he was right.

"As a matter of fact, they are from Mark," Susan said with a smile.

"So, should I assume that dinner went well?"

"Susan, where were you last night? I was worried when you didn't come home," Carol said as she walked up to the group.

"I guess dinner when VERY well," Doug said with a laugh as he picked up a chart and headed towards an exam room.

"Nothing happened, Doug!" Susan called after him. "Nothing!"

"Susan, what's going on?" Carol asked in confusion.

"Nothing. I just spent the night at Mark's apartment," she said absently. Then realizing how that sounded, she quickly added, "but nothing happened."

"Sure, Susan."

"Carol, I swear, nothing happened."

"Carol, they need you to help with an incoming GSW," Jerry said, interrupting them.

"I've got to go, but you can tell me the rest later," Carol said with a sly smile.

"There's nothing left to tell, Carol," Susan said with an exasperated sigh as she watched Carol walk away.

"Dr. Lewis," Jerry said to get her attention, "Dr. Greene just called. He said the chopper will be here in a few minutes, and he wants you to meet him on the roof."

"Thanks, Jerry. Just let me grab my jacket."

As Susan stepped onto the roof, she saw Mark leaning on the rail looking out over the city. She walked up beside him and leaned on the rail before she turned to him and said, "Thank you for the roses, they're beautiful."

"You're welcome. I'm glad you liked them," he said with a smile. "I missed you this morning."

"Sorry. I had to go back to Carol's to take a shower and change. I left you a note."

"I know, but for a minute I thought I had dreamed the whole thing," Mark laughed.

"No, it was real," Susan smiled. "So, are you feeling better this morning?"

"Yeah, thanks. You know, I think last night was the first time since the attack that I've slept for more than an hour or so at a time. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'm glad I was there."

Mark was quiet for a minute before he said, "I've got an appointment with Dr. Anderson tomorrow at two."

"From psych?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Mind if I ask why you decided to go through with it?"

He smiled and said, "Well, I did some thinking and I realized that I've spent the last two weeks wallowing and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. You and Doug were right. The past isn't important. I need to focus on the present and the future; and right now, they both look pretty promising. I realized that the sooner I can get over this, the sooner I can move on."

"You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that," she said with a sigh of relief as she turned to look out over the city.

He watched her for a moment. He knew getting over the attack wouldn't be easy. In fact, it would probably be one of the most difficult things he had ever faced. But looking at her, he knew he wasn't alone anymore. Even if it was a long way back, he had one VERY good reason to keep moving forward.

She could feel his stare, but she didn't mind. As she looked at the skyline, she realized that they were standing in the southwest corner of the hospital. Phoenix was somewhere out there over the horizon. It had been six months and thirty-six hundred miles since she last stood on this roof. It had been a long way back, but somehow she knew it would all be worth it in the end.

There was a comfortable silence between them as they looked out at the city. A few moments passed before Susan remembered her earlier conversation with Doug and Carol. "Oh," she said turning to face him, "I should probably warn you. The rumors will be flying like mad around here when we get back this afternoon."

"Rumors about what?"

"Us. Doug was standing there when I opened the card with the roses, and he guessed that they were from you. Then, Carol came up and asked where I had been all night. I told them nothing happened, but I know they didn't believe me," Susan said with a smile.

"This should be interesting," Mark laughed.

"I thought the chopper would be here by now," Susan said looking up at the sky.

"You're not nervous, are you?" he asked with a smile.

"Nervous? No. Terrified? Yes."

"Everything's going to be fine, Susan. I'll be right there."

"I know," she said, "but, just in case the chopper crashes, or something, there's one thing I want to tell you first."

"Susan, the chopper is not going to crash," he said seriously.

"Just in case," she smiled. "I'm not sure if you heard me the last time I said this, so I want to make sure you know how I feel. I love you," Susan said as she turned to him. As she looked in his eyes, she couldn't help but remember everything they had shared over the years, and she couldn't wait to see what the future would hold.

Mark smiled as he brushed a lock of hair out of her face and let his hand rest on the back of her neck. "I heard you," he said quietly, not wanting to recall any more of that afternoon than he had to. "I love you, too," he added as he leaned down to kiss her.

The End?

Well, that's it. What did you think? Should I continue the story, or leave well enough alone? Please send your questions, comments, suggestions, etc. to SixteenOzs02@yahoo.com LLP

February 28, 1999

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