Working Together
By: Lori (SixteenOzs)
DISCLAIMER: "ER," the characters, and situations depicted within are the property of Warner Brothers Television, Amblin Entertainment, Constant c Productions, NBC, etc. They are borrowed without permission, but without the intent of infringement. The story presented here is written solely for entertainment purposes and the author is not making a profit.
Please do not post or redistribute without the disclaimer above, or without the consent of the author.
Feedback is always welcome. I'd love to know what you think. Please send any questions, comments, or criticisms to SixteenOzs02@yahoo.com
SUMMARY: An argument over changes in hospital policy forces Mark and Susan to question whether or not they can have both a professional AND a personal relationship.
BACKGROUND: This story takes place about two weeks after "Long Way Back." Mark and Susan have been dating, and they're still getting to know each other again.
1. Long Way Back
2. Working Together
"Good morning," Mark Greene said as he approached the admit desk in the Emergency Room of County General Hospital.
"'Morning," Jerry Markovic replied as he juggled a stack of charts and a cup of coffee.
"What's this?" Mark asked, referring to the strange assimilation of numbers and abbreviations on the dry-erase board that tracked patients in the ER.
"Oh, that," Susan Lewis said as she walked behind the desk and signed off on a chart. "Remember Kerry's brilliant plan to protect patient confidentiality from last year?"
"Please tell me she's not trying that again," Mark groaned.
"Afraid so," Susan grinned back.
"It didn't work last year, why does she think things will be any different now?" he asked.
"Last year she was a junior attending, this year she's Chief of Emergency Services," Susan explained. "I called and set up a meeting with her for three o'clock this afternoon. Care to join us?"
"Sure," he sighed. "Got any good cases for me this morning?"
"Bounce-back migraine in Exam Two, weak and dizzy in Curtain Three, and possible hip dislocation in Exam One," she offered.
"Let me drop my stuff in the lounge, then I'll take to migraine and the weak and dizzy. I'd help with the dislocation, but I don't think I'd be much good with this," he said gesturing to the cast on his hand.
"I'll forgive you, this time," she joked. "When are you getting that thing off, anyway?"
"Looks like two or three more weeks," he replied.
She nodded then said, "I guess I'll get one of the interns to provide counter traction."
He laughed, then asked, "Are we still on for tonight?"
"Dinner and a movie at seven?"
"Yeah," he nodded. "You're off at six, right?"
"Yeah, but I'll probably just wait around here until you get off."
"Thanks," he replied as he pushed the door open to the lounge.
"See you later."
"Dr. Lewis," Jerry said, sticking his head into Trauma One, "Dr. Weaver's office just called. You were supposed to be up there for a meeting ten minutes ago."
"Damn," Susan said as she finished the intubation, then checked to make sure the tube was in place.
"You go, I've got this," Doug Ross replied.
"Are you sure?" she asked, glancing up at him.
"Yeah, he's pretty stable, we're just waiting for surgery. Go, give Weaver hell, and get the board back to normal," he said with a grin.
"Thanks," she laughed while removing her smock and gloves.
She was rushing into Kerry Weaver's office five minutes later. "Sorry I'm late," she apologized while taking her seat.
Mark looked at her curiously, wondering if everything was okay. She gave him a quick smile of reassurance.
"Nice of you to join us, Susan," Kerry said sarcastically.
"Sorry, Kerry. It was either be here on time or let a seven year-old hit and run victim die," she said through clenched teeth. There were few people in the world that knew exactly which buttons to push in order to irritate Susan. Kerry Weaver was one of them. Their professional relationship hadn't exactly started off amicably when Kerry first came to County. While it had improved, it still wasn't great.
From his seat, Mark just sighed. Somehow, he got the feeling that this was going to be a long meeting.
"Susan," Kerry began, ignoring the other woman's comment, "you asked for this meeting. What is it that you'd like to discuss?"
"The new system for the board."
"Yes, I think this is a good first step towards reorganizing the ER, in order to promote maximum efficiency and improve patient care," Kerry explained.
"How can this improve efficiency or patient care when its main goal seems to be irritating and confusing the staff?" Susan asked.
"It will just take a little time for everyone to get used to the new system," she replied confidently.
"Kerry, we tried this once before. It didn't work then, why should it work now?"
"It wasn't given a fair trial last time," she said with a glare in Mark's direction. "Once the staff realizes that the system is here to stay, it will benefit everyone."
"And what are we supposed to do in the meantime? The desk is getting backed up and it's taking longer for patients to be seen. According to the board, the chief complaint of EVERY patient in the ER right now is 'OT.' Other. How does THAT help anyone?" Susan asked as she felt her temper begin to flare. She looked at Mark as if to say, "Feel free to jump in here and help out."
"Mark, you've been awfully quite during all this. What do you think of the new system?" Kerry asked.
Damn. He'd hoped to avoid a situation like this. "Is the system permanent, or is this a trial?" he asked.
"I'd intended for this to be a permanent change in the ER's protocol," she explained.
Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. He had to choose between his girlfriend and his boss. Maybe some type of compromise would work.
"Well," he started slowly, "I'm not sure the ER is ready for a change of this magnitude. I'd suggest that we try the new system for a week or two, then reevaluate."
One look told him Susan wasn't exactly thrilled with this prospect. Kerry didn't look too pleased either.
"I'm not sure if this is the type of precedent I want to start setting," Kerry said. "If the staff thinks every new policy is only a 'trial,' it will be very difficult to make ANY changes."
"I personally don't think anything will be accomplished by having this system in place for two weeks," Susan said firmly.
Kerry glared at her for a moment before saying, "This is a fairly substantial change, therefore, I suppose reviewing its effectiveness in a week or so wouldn't be a bad idea. However, I'd prefer that the staff not be told of this review. They are to operate as if the changes are permanent. We will set up an evaluation in two weeks and make any adjustments then. Is that okay with everyone?"
"Sure," Mark replied.
"Like we have a choice," Susan muttered under her breath.
"I'm sorry, Susan. What did you say?" Kerry asked.
"Fine. It's fine," she said curtly.
"Then I guess that's all for now," Kerry said, closing the meeting.
Susan immediately got up and left the room. Mark was about to follow when his pager went off. Glancing at the number, he saw that it was the lab. He wanted to make sure things were okay with Susan, but he figured it might be best to give her some time to cool off first. Leaving Kerry's office, he waited for the elevator to the lab.
Mark glanced at his watch as he walked into the lounge. It was almost five-thirty, and he hadn't seen Susan since their meeting with Kerry.
It had been a pretty slow afternoon, and he needed to spend an hour or so reviewing charts before he left. He grabbed a drink from the refrigerator before sitting down at the table.
He'd been working for about fifteen minutes when Susan entered the room. "Hi," he said looking up.
"Hi," she said as she walked to her locker.
He watched as she opened the locker and put her lab coat away. "Everything okay?" he asked.
"Fine," she said, her back still to him.
He studied her for a moment. He knew she wasn't "fine." Something was bothering her, and he had a pretty good idea what it was. What he didn't know was how far he should push her to talk about it. A curious look crossed his face as he saw her pick up her bag and close the locker. "Are you leaving?"
"Yeah," she replied with a tight nod.
"I thought we were going out."
"Actually, I really don't think I'm up for it. Maybe some other time," she said as she moved towards the door.
"And this has nothing to do with what happened this afternoon?" he asked cautiously.
"No," she lied.
"I know better than that, Susan. Do you want to talk about it?"
"Can we just forget about this for today?" she asked, as she turned to face him.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"Yeah, well, you thought living with this system for two weeks was a good idea," she said with more bitterness than she intended.
"So that's what this is about," he commented.
"Yeah. Why didn't you back me up in there, Mark?" she asked angrily. "You hate this system just as much as I do."
"Gee, I thought it just might be a better idea to work WITH Kerry, instead of taking every available opportunity to disagree," he said, as he stood up.
"Two years ago you said I wasn't aggressive enough dealing with other doctors. Now I'm too aggressive. Make up your mind, Mark."
"That's not what this is about, and you know it," he tried to reason.
"Then what is this about?" she retorted.
"This about the fact that my opinion happened to disagree with yours, and you didn't like it," he said pointedly.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm down before she said something she'd really regret. "You know what, Mark? I really don't feel like talking about this now. Why don't we just finish this tomorrow?"
"I think we should finish it now."
"Goodnight, Mark," she said as she turned to walk out the door.
He followed her out of the lounge. She was almost to the main doors of the ER when he said angrily, "Sure, Susan. Run away. That worked really well for you at Union Station."
She stopped in her tracks. Turning around slowly, her eyes locked with his.
He knew it was a mistake. He crossed the line and there was no going back.
"Go to hell," she said evenly, before turning around and walking out of the hospital.
A crowd had gathered at the admit desk to watch the entire scene. They were still staring when Mark turned back towards them. "Don't you have any work to do?" he asked, before returning to the lounge.
"What was that?" Jerry asked.
"I don't know," Doug replied, "but I think the honeymoon's over."
Carol Hathaway walked down the sidewalk towards her house. She noticed a figure jogging towards her in the distance. As the figure got closer, she realized it was Susan. They both reached the front porch about the same time.
"I didn't know you ran," Carol remarked.
"I don't," Susan panted as she started a few stretches as part of her cool down.
"Then what do you call this?" she asked in an amused tone.
"Therapy."
"Mark?"
Susan glanced at her as if to say, "Who else?"
"Why don't you wait here, I'll go in and get some water."
Susan nodded as she continued to stretch. Carol came back about five minutes later and handed her a bottle of water.
"Thanks," Susan replied as they both sat on the porch.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really. I don't want to talk about it; I don't want to think about it. I just want it to go away," she said with a sigh. They sipped their water in silence for a few minutes. Turning to her friend, she asked, "How could he do this to me, Carol?"
"What do you mean?"
"There were a lot a reasons why I came back to Chicago. I needed a job, and this was a great opportunity. But more than anything else, I came back because I missed him. I went on plenty of first dates while I was in Phoenix. Most of them never made it to the second date because they just couldn't compare to him," she stopped for a minute to gather her thoughts. "I came back here with all of these ideas for a future together. Those first few days were really bad, when I wasn't sure he'd ever forgive me. But then we started talking and I thought he understood why I had to leave. Now, I'm not sure if we'll ever be able to put this behind us."
"Susan, you'll work it out. You two were made for each other. You're going to have a long, happy life together. Sure, you'll laugh, you'll fight, and you'll cry; but at the end, you'll be together. And THAT is all that really matters," Carol said optimistically.
"That's what I thought before today," she said taking a sip of water. "I know I hurt him when I left, but I came back. I said I was sorry. I thought he understood. And if he doesn't, is this really the man I want to spend the rest of my life with?" That thought scared her more than she was willing to admit. It wasn't something she wanted to think about, but now she wasn't sure she could avoid it.
"I know he cares about you. Maybe he hasn't said anything about what happened at the station because he doesn't want to upset you or make you feel guilty. Today, you were having an argument, and weren't really thinking about what you were saying. So, it just came out."
"I don't know," Susan said sadly, shaking her head.
They were both quiet for several minutes before Carol asked, "Have you had dinner?"
"No, you?"
"No, but I think we've got enough stuff for a salad in the kitchen."
"Sounds like a plan to me," Susan said as they stood up and walked into the house.
"Wow," Carol remarked as she stopped in the living room to check the answering machine.
"What?" Susan called from the kitchen.
"We've got ten messages. I wonder who they're from?" Carol hit play and reviewed the messages. Nine were from Mark in the last two hours. The general theme seemed to be that he wanted to apologize, but he didn't want to talk to the machine.
"It's a good sign," Carol commented, joining Susan in the kitchen. "At least he realized he screwed up."
"I just don't want to deal with this tonight. Maybe tomorrow," she said as she chopped lettuce.
"And who's going to tell Mark this?" Carol asked with a laugh.
"Who do you think?" Susan grinned, handing her a tomato.
After dinner, Susan went upstairs to take a bath. Carol was in the living room reading when the doorbell rang. She wasn't surprised to find Mark at the door. "Hey, Mark. How's it going?"
"I've been better," he laughed. Getting right the point, he asked, "Is Susan around?"
"Upstairs, taking a bath."
"Any chance she'll talk to me?"
"Probably not tonight. Maybe you should just wait until tomorrow," Carol suggested as she came out onto the porch and closed the door behind her. "Have a seat."
"Thanks," he replied as they both sat down on the steps. "It was stupid. I know that. I want to apologize, but she's not making it easier by avoiding me."
"Just give her a little time." She stopped for a moment, debating what to say next. "Mark, would you like some advice?"
He turned to look at her, "Sure."
Carol was quite as she tried to consider the best way to phrase what she was about to say. "She cares about you, Mark. In what was probably one of the most courageous moves I've ever seen, she left everything she was trying to build in Phoenix to come back here. She didn't know what was waiting for her, but she came back anyway. She did it because she didn't want to face a future without you." Carol stopped to let that sink in, before she added, "I know you were hurt when she left, but you can't let the past get in the way if you want to build a future together. Get it out in the open and deal with it. Don't keep it inside and let it fester, or you'll both end up regretting it. Trust me on this one, Mark."
"Thanks, Carol," he said smiled weakly. He was quiet for a few minutes before he said, "The strange thing is, I'm not even really sure why I said it. I know she had to go to Phoenix to make sure Susie was okay."
"Looking back now, you know that Susie was the main reason she went to Phoenix. I just don't think you should forget that she did leave you, and for six months you assumed you'd never see her again," she suggested cautiously.
"I thought you said I had to put this behind me so we could move on," he said in a confused tone.
"I did," she started to explain. "I'm just saying that even if you now understand why she left, you can't forget how it made you feel when it happened."
He took his glasses off and rested his face in his palm as he considered this for several minutes. "I love her. I don't want to live without her, but I guess, in a way, I'm just afraid she'll leave again. Maybe I was just trying to prepare myself for that," he suggested. His expression was a mix of confusion and the fear of losing her again.
"Mark," she said to get his attention, "why don't you try telling her this?"
"That would probably be a good idea, huh?" he said with a weak smile.
"Probably," she smiled back.
"Could you just tell her that I stopped by, and I'd like to talk to her tomorrow?" he asked as he stood up.
"Sure," she nodded.
He started down the walk, but turned around after a few steps. "Carol?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for the advice."
"Anytime," she smiled as she stood up and headed back into the house.
The smile remained on her face as she sat on the sofa and resumed reading. "Maybe this matchmaking thing isn't so hard after all," she thought with a laugh.
Susan turned over in bed and glanced at the alarm clock. Ten-thirty. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been in bed this early. Most evenings since she'd been back were spent with Mark or at the hospital.
She kept replaying the fight in her mind. It all started with that damn meeting in Kerry's office. Maybe Mark was right. Maybe she should have given Kerry more of a chance. What was the worst that could have happened? They put up with the board for a few weeks, then it kills itself and everything goes back to normal. Being honest with herself, she knew it wasn't Kerry's patient confidentiality plan that was keeping her up. It was Mark.
Why did he have to keep pushing? Why couldn't he just let her leave, give her some time to cool off? Everything would have gone back to normal, but now, she wasn't even sure if that was possible.
Lying on her back, she stared at the ceiling. "Sure, Susan. Run away. That worked really well for you at Union Station." Those words echoed through her mind.
"Mark," she whispered to the empty room, "I know I hurt you when I left. I would give anything if I could undo that now, but I can't. I came back. I apologized. I told you that I couldn't imagine life without you. What more do you want?"
She felt the tears gather in her eyes and slip down her face, but she didn't bother to wipe them away. "I do love you," she said before exhaustion overtook her and she fell into a restless sleep.
Mark was waiting outside her office when Kerry arrived the next morning.
"Good morning, Mark."
"'Morning."
"You're here awfully early," she commented as she unlocked the door. "Come in."
"Thanks," he replied, following her into the office.
"Have a seat," she said, placing her briefcase on the desk.
"This won't take long."
Glancing in his direction, she asked, "Okay. What can I do for you?"
"I was wondering if we could set up a time this afternoon to continue our meeting from yesterday," he said as he shifted somewhat uncomfortably.
"I thought we got everything settled. The board will be on a two week trial, and we'll reevaluate after that."
"Actually, there's something I'd like to add."
"So, why can't we discuss it now?" she asked, sounding somewhat confused.
"I'd prefer that Susan be in on this as well. She is an attending, I think it's only fair that she be included."
"Fine," Kerry said crisply. Strange, he never seemed inclined to include her on meetings when she was the junior attending. Then again, maybe it didn't matter now. Especially since she was Chief of Emergencies Services. Looking at her calendar, she suggested, "How's two-thirty?"
"Fine. Thanks," he said as he turned to leave. As he was almost to the door, he added, "Kerry?"
"Yes?"
"Could you call down to the ER and ask Susan to join us?"
"Aren't you going down to the ER now? Why can't you tell her about the meeting?" she asked in confusion.
"I'd prefer that it come from you."
She didn't understand his reasoning, but decided it would be easier just to go along with it. "Sure, I'll give her a call," she replied.
"Thanks."
Susan hung her stethoscope around her neck as she walked out of the lounge and made her way to the admit desk. "Jerry, what's this about?" she said, holding up a note she found in her mailbox.
"Uh, what, Dr. Lewis?" Jerry said as he turned to look at her. "Oh, that. Dr. Weaver called down about an hour ago and said there's a meeting in her office this afternoon. She wants you there."
"Great, just what I need," Susan muttered as she crumpled the note and shoved it in the pocket of her lab coat. "Did she say what it was about?"
"No, but Dr. Greene said he's got a meeting this afternoon, too. So, I'd assume it's the same one."
She sighed, "This day just keeps getting better." She glanced at the board. She had no idea who any of the patients were, or what they were suffering from, but she could tell that a lot of people were waiting to be seen. Going home sick wasn't an option. She flipped through the patients' charts and picked a couple of cases that didn't look too difficult. Before heading off to the first exam room, she called over her shoulder, "Jerry, see if you can find me a couple of aspirin." She had a feeling she would need them before the day was over.
The morning was relatively slow, at least regarding trauma cases, so she didn't have much trouble avoiding Mark. Around eleven, she ran into Doug in the drug lock-up. "'Morning, Doug."
"Hey, Susan. How's it going?" he said looking up.
She looked at her watch, "It'll be better in about seven hours, when I get off."
"Tell me about it," he laughed. He paused a moment before he asked, "So, are you still avoiding Mark?"
"I'm not avoiding him," she lied. "I just don't have anything to say to him right now."
He gave her a look as if to say, "Sure, Susan."
"What?" she questioned defensively.
"Nothing," he said, trying to hide a grin.
"Have you talked to him this morning?" she asked, trying not to appear too interested.
"Yeah, why?"
"I've been summoned to a meeting with Weaver this afternoon. Jerry said Mark's going to be there, too. I was just wondering if he mentioned what it was about."
"No, he didn't say anything to me. I think we're having lunch together, though. I could ask him then," Doug offered.
"Really? Thanks," she said as she started to walk off.
"Susan?"
"Yeah?"
"He is sorry," he said quietly.
"I know," she nodded. "I'm just not sure if that's enough."
"Well, you look like hell," Doug commented as he entered the lounge. Mark was going through some paperwork and struggling to stay awake.
"Thank you," Mark replied sarcastically as he looked up. "Lack of sleep tends to have that affect on people."
"So, Susan had you up all night?" Doug teased.
Laughing at the implication, Mark replied, "Yes and no. Yes, Susan was the reason I didn't get any sleep last night, but no, it's not for the reason you're suggesting."
"Are you ready for lunch?"
"Sure, where do you want to go?"
"I was thinking we could just for a walk and grab a sandwich from one of the vendors," Doug replied.
"Sounds good to me. Let's go."
As they were walking down the street, Doug asked, "Have you decided how you're going to dig yourself out of this one? My suggestion would be flowers."
"No," Mark said, shaking his head, "I don't want to buy her forgiveness. I scheduled a meeting with Weaver this afternoon. I don't think this new plan is a good idea and I really didn't get that across yesterday."
"In other words, you didn't back Susan up," Doug supplied.
"Pretty much, yeah," Mark said with a guilty look. "I've done some research, and this plan of Kerry's isn't helping anything. Hopefully I can convince her to give it up now. I'm also hoping Susan will at least start talking to me again. Then, I'm planning to apologize for everything else."
"For your sake, I hope it works," Doug said before ordering his sandwich.
"That makes two of us," Mark added with a sigh.
Susan shifted uncomfortably in her seat across from Kerry Weaver's desk. Where the hell was Mark? She had better things to do than sit in a room and try to make idle conversation.
"Sorry I'm late," Mark said as he came into the room and took a seat. "I had to finish some last minute research."
Susan looked at him curiously. Research? What was that about?
"From now on, I'd appreciate it if you could both try to be on time for the meetings that you call," Kerry said curtly.
"Sure," Mark said with a tight nod.
Susan bit the inside of her cheek to keep from saying anything. She was pretty sure that anything coming out of her mouth right now would not be prudent to the conversation at hand.
"Mark, you said you wanted to continue our conversation from yesterday?" Kerry asked.
"Yes," he nodded. "First, I'd like to apologize to both of you. I wasn't completely honest yesterday."
Susan looked at him intently. He definitely had her attention.
"Initially, I thought it may be useful to keep the new system in place until it could be evaluated. After giving it more thought, I don't think that is such a good idea. The ER's productivity has slowed dramatically in the last two days. Last year Dr. Anspaugh recommended a patient quotient of 2.5 patients per doctor per hour. The initial numbers suggest that the doctors saw an average of one patient per hour yesterday. Today, it looks like that may be up slightly to 1.08. This means that each doctor is seeing about 12.5 fewer patients per day. Over the course of a year, that could result in a substantial loss of revenue from the ER."
"It natural that the system will slow things down initially. As people get more comfortable with it, productivity should return to regular levels," Kerry explained.
"I'm not sure that's possible, Kerry," Mark countered. "It's taking significantly longer to match lab results with patients charts. Before, the lab results came into the desk and were matched with the names on the board. Matching social security numbers takes longer, and must be double checked to ensure that patients' tests aren't inadvertently switched."
"Kerry, has anyone actually made complaints about patient confidentiality?" Susan said, entering the conversation.
"Well, no, not really. I do, however, think it would be best to prevent those types of complaints before they were allowed to develop," she argued.
"This is just my opinion," Susan began, "but I think there are other issues that are more pressing. Increasing security and improving the equipment are two that come to mind."
"Susan's right," Mark added, "I think there are higher priorities that should be addressed first."
Kerry considered this for a moment. "So, basically neither of you support this new plan?"
Mark and Susan looked at each other for a moment, then Susan said, "I'm sorry, Kerry. I just don't think this is a good idea."
"I agree," Mark replied.
"How am I supposed to handle this?" Kerry asked in frustration.
"What do you mean?" Mark asked.
"How am I supposed to implement any changes if I don't have the support of the attendings?"
"Kerry, you're an excellent administrator," Mark began. "There's no one else that I would rather have handling the ER's budget, or going up against Anspaugh or the council in support of the ER."
"I feel a 'but' coming on here," Kerry interrupted.
She was right. Mark took a deep breath, prepared for the worst, then cautiously said, "But I'm not sure you're the best person to be handling the daily procedures of the ER."
Seeing that Mark was in trouble, Susan tried to explain, "I think what he is trying to say is that we've both worked in this ER for a long time. Mark's been here eight years, and I've been here six. You only came to County two years ago. We've probably got a better understanding of how this ER functions, and we can usually tell how the staff will react to changes."
"It's certainly not required, but maybe you could consider consulting with us before implementing new policies," Mark suggested. "You've got some great ideas that will improve the ER, but I think we'll get more accomplished if we work together. No one gains anything if the three of us are constantly battling each other."
Kerry was silent as she stared at them across the desk. She had to admit they made a point. She knew she wasn't well liked by most of the staff, and generally, that didn't bother her. But, if she really wanted to make any changes, their support would be advantageous. "Fine. The board can return to 'normal' and I'll bring you in before any new policies are implemented. Does that work for everyone?"
"Sure," Mark said.
"Yeah," Susan nodded.
"Anything else?"
"No."
"No."
"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow," Kerry said as she returned to the reports that were awaiting her review.
Mark got up and quickly headed for the stairs. Susan stared after him for a moment, then walked to the elevator and pressed the down button. She had to admit that it felt good to be working together again. In her heart, she still had to hope that they could work everything else out, too.
Susan approached the admit desk and looked around for Mark. She hadn't seen him for most of the afternoon. She reached into the pocket of her lab coat for a pen, but found two slips of paper instead. The first was the message about the meeting with Weaver. She wadded the paper up into a ball and tossed it into the wastebasket. The second she hadn't seen before. The only thing written on the paper was, "Meet me on the roof after your shift." She didn't need to ask who wrote it. She recognized the familiar scrawl immediately. What she couldn't quite figure out was how it got in her pocket. Maybe he slipped it in there when she wasn't looking, or maybe he got someone else to do it.
Glancing at her watch, she realized she only had about twenty minutes before her shift was over. She signed off on her last two charts and finished the other necessary paperwork. The board now listed patients' names and chief complaints in English, much to the delight of the staff. She glanced at the board and noticed that it was unusually slow. Turning to Jerry, she said, "Jerr, I'll be up top. Just page me if you need me."
"Sure, Dr. Lewis," he replied.
She had to smile at the scene that met her when she opened the door leading onto the roof. Mark was pacing nervously back and forth, apparently rehearsing what he was going to say.
He stopped and looked up as he heard the door close. "Hi," he said softly.
"Hi," she replied.
"I'm glad you came. I wasn't sure you would," he admitted.
"You were right. We need to talk," she said quietly.
They both stood there for a minute, neither really wanting to begin. They knew there were no guarantees as to what the outcome would be.
Mark finally spoke, "I'm sorry. You were right. I didn't like the new board any more than you did. I should have said that yesterday."
"Why didn't you?" she asked.
"I don't know," he shrugged. He thought for a minute then said, "I went to med school because I wanted to be a doctor, not because I wanted to be an administrator. So, when it comes time to make the administrative or policy decisions, I guess I'm more inclined to defer to someone who cares more about that stuff than I do."
"I understand that, Mark," she said. "I don't like the administrative stuff either, but we're attendings. It's part of the package."
"I know," he nodded while staring at the ground.
"I guess what worries me the most is that I don't know when I can count on your support anymore," she admitted.
"What?" he questioned, looking up quickly.
"When it's just us, you say you agree with me. Then when we go before someone else, I'm left standing alone," she said somewhat nervously.
"What do you mean?" he asked, sounding genuinely confused.
"Yesterday morning, you were complaining about the board just as much as I was, then we get in Weaver's office and you start saying that it might not be such a bad idea," she explained. "And that wasn't the first time, either."
Off his questioning glance, she continued, "I felt like I was a second year resident dealing with Kayson all over again. You told me what I wanted to hear, then you went behind my back, talking to Morgenstern and cosigning my charts. And the problem wasn't that you talked to Morgenstern about me or that you had to sign my charts. You were the Chief Resident, that was your job. The problem was that you weren't up front with me about it."
He considered this. He remembered that she once told him he was good at making people happy. Maybe that was it. Maybe he was just trying to please all of the people all of the time. He knew that wasn't possible, so there had to be a better solution.
"Susan, one thing I know for certain is that you are one of the best ER doctors I've ever met. I respect you for that. I think I need to do a better job of showing it, though," he said, looking her directly in the eye. "More than likely, this won't be the last time we have to choose sides on something. I can't promise that we'll always agree, but I can promise that I will try to be honest with you, and with myself, from now on."
She smiled. "That's all I'm asking for, Mark. I know we won't always agree. We'd make a pretty boring couple if we did, wouldn't we?"
"I guess so," he laughed.
"And I'll try to be a little more..." she stopped, searching for the right word, "open-minded when it comes to Kerry. We haven't always gotten along, but occasionally she does make a good point."
"So, we've got this settled?" he asked with a smile.
"We've got THIS settled," she replied seriously.
He drew in a deep breath. This was going to be the hard part. "I also want to apologize for the comment I made before you left the hospital yesterday. It was uncalled-for and out of line. We were having a professional disagreement and I brought up something personal. I'm sorry, Susan."
"That really hurt me, Mark," she said quietly.
"I know," he acknowledged. "I was up most of last night trying to figure out just why I said it. The last two weeks have been fabulous. I don't think I've ever been this happy. But I also know how my life seems to work, and I can't help waiting for something to happen that will cause it all to end. I know it's stupid, but when you were walking out yesterday, I felt like I was losing you again."
She was quite for several minutes. She finally looked at him and said, "I don't know what else to do here, Mark. I came back. I said I was sorry. I told you that I hated living without you in my life, and that I never wanted to go through that again. What else do you want from me?"
He turned away from her and walked over to stare out at the city. What exactly did he want? A guarantee that she would always be here? He knew that wasn't a fair request. She couldn't make a promise like that. No one could.
She walked over and stood a few feet away from him, giving him time to think about the question.
"I don't know," he said after a few minutes. "I guess I just want to know that you won't shut me out of your life again."
"Again?" she questioned.
He turned to look at her, "We were always really good friends, right?"
"Yeah," she nodded.
"Well, last summer, after you lost Susie and after Jenn and I finalized the divorce, we started spending more time together. Things changed, and somewhere in the middle of all of that, I fell in love with you. I wasn't sure if you felt the same way, but I thought you felt at least a little something, too." He stopped and took a deep breath.
"That night I went over to your apartment, the LAST thing I was expecting you to tell me was that you were moving to Phoenix. It just came out of nowhere. Even if you didn't feel the same way I did, we were still friends. But you never mentioned leaving Chicago. You didn't talk to me about it. You didn't even tell me you were considering it. You just made the decision, and when you did tell me, it sounded so, so..." he searched for the word, "final. It was like there was nothing I, or anyone else, could say that would change your mind."
His tone wasn't accusatory. He just sounded hurt, almost as if he still had difficulty believing what had happened. She'd always known she caused him pain when she left, but it was only now that she began to realize just how deep those wounds were.
She pressed her lips together and thought for a moment. "I wanted to talk to you about it," she admitted, "but I was afraid. I was afraid you'd try to talk me out of it." She paused before she started to explain. "After I lost Susie, there was this huge void in my life, and I never thought I'd find anything to fill it. And you're right, we did start spending more time together, and things did change. When I was with you, I was able to believe that I'd make it though all of that. I think I was falling in love with you, too. But I DIDN'T think you felt the same way," she said, shaking her head. "I didn't think you wanted anything more than friendship. I felt like I was using you, and I knew that wasn't fair."
She took a breath and used the back of her hand to wipe a few stray tears from her face. "When I was on vacation in Phoenix, I felt like I could make it on my own there. After I came back and made the decision, I started to convince myself that we would never be more than friends, that it would be easier if we didn't have to face each other every day. I wanted to talk to you about moving, I really did. I just didn't know how to do it without telling you everything else. This way, I thought we'd still be friends."
She pushed her hair out of her face the wrapped her arms around her chest, clutching the sides of her lab coat. "When you came to the station, I guess I'd finally started to believe what I'd been telling myself. There was a part of me that wanted nothing more than to jump off that train and stay in your arms forever. Then there was the other part that was sure it was too late."
As he looked at her, he knew that the tears in her eyes matched his own. He was just starting to realize that he wasn't the only one who was hurt and confused by what happened last fall. This had been difficult for BOTH of them. He stepped closer to her; gently lifting her chin, he wiped the tears away. "You know what this means, don't you?" he asked.
Looking up, she asked hesitantly, "What?"
"We both have an absolutely awful sense of timing," he said with a grin.
She couldn't help but laugh through the tears. Turning serious, she said, "I AM sorry I hurt you when I left. I should have told you the whole truth."
"I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have waited until you were on the train to let you know how I feel," he admitted.
"From now on, let's say we promise to be honest with each other about everything. No more hidden feelings, no more saying what we think the other person wants to hear," she suggested.
"Promise," he replied with a smile.
"Promise," she said, smiling back.
"I am sorry for what I said yesterday. I know it hurt you," he said, wanting to make sure she knew how he felt.
"Apology accepted. But you were right," she said, looking at the ground.
"About what?" he asked.
Looking up slightly, she said, "I was running away. And look at how much pain it caused both of us."
"But maybe it was for the best," he suggested.
"What do you mean?"
"You wanted to make sure Susie was okay, right?" he asked.
"Yeah, I guess," she replied.
"Well, this way, you went to Phoenix, made sure Chloe was taking care of Susie, you came back here, and we're together. I did a lot of thinking last night, and I realized that maybe it's better that you didn't stay when I asked you."
"What?" she questioned.
"If you'd stayed, you would have always wondered what Phoenix would have been like. Even though it's never what you would have planned, you may have started to resent me for it, and anything we had together probably wouldn't have been able to survive that. This way, you were able to find out what was in Phoenix, and it was YOUR decision to come back," he explained.
"Maybe you're right," she admitted as she sat down. After a minute, she turned to him and asked, "So, do you think we'll be able to make it?"
"Yes," he replied without hesitation as he sat down beside her.
"How can you be so certain?" she wondered.
He smiled, "After everything we've been through in the last year, I don't think there's anything we can't handle."
"That is a pretty good point," she said. She hesitated before adding, "I was really scared last night."
"Of what?" he asked in a concerned tone.
"I was afraid it was over between us. I've never felt anything like this before, Mark. I don't want it to end," she said, staring at her hands.
"I feel the same. You know that, don't you?" he asked.
"I know," she nodded. "I did a lot of thinking last night, too, and I realized that things have been moving pretty fast since I came back. We almost literally picked up right where we left off, but at the same time, there isn't a single part of our relationship that's the same as it was in November."
"What do you mean?" he questioned.
"Well, at work, you were technically my boss when I left, but now we're both in charge of the ER. We were 'just friends,' but now, well, now we're definitely more than friends," she said with a grin. Seriously, she added, "You've been through the attack, and I've moved to Phoenix and back. I guess I'm just wondering if we should slow things down a little. Don't get me wrong, the last two weeks have been great. It's just with everything changing so fast, I'm afraid something will get lost in the process. You're my colleague, my best friend, and the man I love. Call me selfish, but I don't want to give any of that up."
He smiled and said, "I think that's a very good idea. You mean too much to me. I don't want to take the chance of losing any of that, either."
So, what did you think? Please send any questions, comments, suggestions, etc. to SixteenOzs02@yahoo.com I REALLY REALLY appreciate the feedback. I've already started part three of this series, so that should be out sometime soon, hopefully sooner than part two. But thanks for reading, and for the feedback I've already gotten! LLP
July 19, 1999