Gap-Filler: "Rescue Me"

By: Lori (SixteenOzs)

DISCLAIMER: "ER," the characters and situations depicted within are the property of Warner Brothers Television, Amblin Entertainment, Constant c Productions, NBC, etc. They are borrowed without permission, but without the intent of infringement. The story presented here is written solely for entertainment purposes, and the author is not making a profit.

Please do not post or redistribute without the disclaimer above, or without the consent of the author.

Feedback is welcome. Please send all questions, comments or criticisms to SixteenOzs02@yahoo.com

SUMMARY: Continuation of the episode "Rescue Me"

RATING: PG

The even breaths to his right assured him that she was asleep. After hesitating a moment, Mark quietly slipped out of bed, then replaced the blankets on his side, as not to wake Elizabeth. After putting on his glasses. He left the bedroom and walked downstairs.

Without even bothering to turn on the lights, he slumped onto the sofa. As he closed his eyes, there was only one thought on his mind. Why? Why him? Why now?

Damn it! For the first time in his life, everything was in its proper place. His marriage to Jennifer had never really felt "right." The stresses of medical school, law school and a new baby rarely left time for the two of them. He still abhorred the effect the divorce had on Rachel, but he honestly couldn't regret that their marriage was over. He knew they were both much better off now. It hadn't been long after the divorce that he lost Susan, then the attack, followed by one pointless relationship after another.

Yet he honestly believed that all of the hell he'd been through was worth it, because it lead him to Elizabeth. They were engaged to be married, they were supposed to spend the rest of their lives together. She'd always been there for him. He seriously doubted if he would have been able to survive the loss of both of his parents during the past year without her by his side. He loved her more than he ever thought possible, and he wanted to be able to assure her that he would always be there whenever she needed him.

When she told him she was pregnant, it should have been the happiest moment of his life. In a way it was, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't ignore the possibility that he didn't know what the future was going to hold. He didn't know if he would be here for her, for their child. And that thought tore him apart.

He hated the way he felt, as if he was lying to Elizabeth. Technically, he knew he wasn't lying, but he wasn't telling her the whole truth either. To him, that was just as bad, only he didn't know how to tell her. He wanted to, and he knew he needed to, but every time he looked at her face, he could see how overjoyed she was about the pregnancy. He couldn't ruin that moment for her. He knew the next several months wouldn't be easy, he wanted her to be happy as long as she could.

Throughout dinner and the evening, he forced himself to focus on what she was saying, to discuss baby names and plans for the nursery. Once, when she noticed that he seemed to be a thousand miles away, he told her he was just tired. And he was tired. Tired of carrying the weight of this news, tired of feeling as if he'd never be allowed an opportunity at true happiness, tired of losing everything that meant anything to him.

He sighed heavily as he tried to figure out how he was going to tell her, and how they were going to get through this.

Upstairs, the rain slammed against the window with such force that it stirred Elizabeth from her sleep. Turning over, her hand stretched across the bed in search of Mark. Finding only his cold pillow, she slowly opened her eyes then sighed. This was not what she wanted to find. After hesitating a moment, she got out of bed and reached for her robe before heading towards the stairs.

She stopped before she reached the bottom, and sank down until she was sitting on one of the steps. Hugging her knees closer to her body, she just watched him. His eyes were closed, but from the light that was filtering through the window from the street, she could see paths left by tears on his face.

She pressed her lips together, trying to keep her jaw from trembling. This is exactly what she'd feared. From the time Chen told her she was pregnant, until she arrived home, all Elizabeth could think about was how she was going to tell Mark and how he was going to react. It wasn't something they planned, or even talked about, at least not seriously.

She'd been shocked at first, but after a little time to adjust, she had to admit that she was delighted about the idea of becoming a mother. The feeling of knowing that she was carrying Mark's child was indescribable, it was amazing. More than anything, she wanted to be able to share that excitement with him. She figured that was probably why she told him almost the minute she walked in the house.

He told her he thought it was wonderful, and she believed him. But she knew him well enough to know that something was bothering him. All evening, he was too distracted. He tried to seem interested in what she was saying, but she could tell his heart just wasn't in it. When she asked if something was wrong, he just told her he was tired. He did look tired, she'd even commented on it earlier in the day while they were at the hospital, but she just couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to it.

As she continued to watch him, a remark she overheard him make several months ago suddenly came back to her. He said the reason he only had one child was because he didn't want to listen to two of them fight in the backseat of the car. He already had Rachel. What if he didn't want another child? She had to blink several times to clear the tears from her eyes, and her breath caught in her throat as she considered this possibility. What if it was true?

Normally, she was pratically able to sense whatever it was he might be thinking. If something was troubling him, she would give him the time he needed and wait until he came to her on his own. But she couldn't tell what the problem was this time, and that frightened her.

She forced herself to draw in a slow, deep breath. She needed an answer, and there was only one way to get it. It needed to come from him. Earlier, when he said he was tired, she let it slide even though she knew it wasn't the complete truth. This time, she wasn't going to rest until she knew exactly what it was that was bothering him.

Reaching for the rail as she stood, she then made her way down the few remaining steps. "Hey," she said softly as she approached the sofa and turned on the lamp.

He looked up quickly, clearly surprised to see her. After making a quick attempt to wipe his face with the back of his hand, he said, "Elizabeth? What are you doing up?"

"The rain was pelting the window, I think it woke me," she explained as she sat down on the other end of the sofa and turned so that she was facing him. "How about you?"

"Couldn't sleep," he shrugged.

She studied him for a few moments before asking, "Any particular reason?"

He didn't respond immediately. The last thing he wanted to do was lie to her, but it was getting harder and harder to hide the truth. Finally, he turned in her direction and said, "Just thinking."

"About what?" she persisted.

"Everything that's been going on lately," he replied noncommittally.

Damn it! She didn't think he could be any more vague with his answers if he tried! She sighed heavily, then looked at him for a long moment. "Mark, I need to ask you something, and you have to promise me that you'll tell the truth, even if you don't think it's what I want to hear."

Sometimes, she could be too intuitive for her own good. He knew that she was aware that something was troubling him. He also knew that this meant he would have to tell her the entire story. "Okay," he nodded quietly.

She drew in a slow, deliberate breath and tried to ignore the tears that were gathering in her eyes. Forcing herself to meet his gaze, she whispered, "Do you want this baby?"

A look of shock, then confusion, passed over his face. "Of course I want this baby," he said firmly, but the pain of her doubts was evident in his voice. "Why would you think I wouldn't?"

A huge sense of relief seemed to wash over her as he said he wanted their child, but that was quickly replaced by a deep guilt from not believing him earlier when he said it was wonderful. Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right.

Softly, she tried to explain, "It's, it's just that all night it has seemed like something was bothering you, like you were a thousand miles away. I-I thought you were only trying to be excited about the baby for me, that you really didn't feel that way."

He closed his eyes and sighed. In trying to protect her and give her time to enjoy the discovery of their child, he'd done exactly what he didn't want to do. He'd hurt her. Opening his eyes slowly, he moved closer to her. With his thumb, he gently brushed a tear away from her cheek. "No, Elizabeth. God, no. It's not that I don't want this baby. I think this is incredible."

"Then what IS wrong?" she asked plaintively as she searched his eyes. "And please don't tell me it's nothing, I know you better than that."

He had to tell her. That's all there was to it. After a moment, he said, "You know the headaches I've been having, right?"

"Yes," she nodded, "from the hockey game."

"Not exactly," he said quietly. "Today, I was suturing this woman's hand and I realized I couldn't talk. The words were there, they just wouldn't come out."

She drew in a shaky breath as she started to run through the possibilities in her head, not liking any of the choices. "What happened?"

"I did a neuro check, then I went up to radiology for an MRI."

Swallowing hard to push back the lump in her throat, she just said, "And?"

He looked at her for a long moment. All he could think about was how much he loved her and their child, and how he hated himself because he knew everything would change with what he was about to say. "A three-point-five centimeter mass in the frontal cortex."

She shook her head as she whispered, "No."

"I saw the films, Elizabeth," he explained quietly. "It's there."

Her jaw trembled as the tears began to flow freely down her face. Without saying another word, he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly.

She wrapped her arms around him and never wanted to let go. She prayed there was some way, any way, that this was a mistake. But from the fear in his eyes, she knew it wasn't.

He could feel her tears through the material of his shirt, and he didn't deny the sting of his own as they fell down his face. Gently running his hands in small circles over her back, he never wanted to forget what it felt like be this close to her.

She wasn't sure how long they remained like that, but she finally pulled back. There seemed to be a thousand questions running through her mind. She tried to think of things as a doctor, because she wasn't sure she could handle it if she was thinking about it as his fiancée. Quietly, she wondered, "What's the prognosis?"

"I don't know," he replied, shaking his head. "Phil wouldn't say much, except that I should talk to a neurosurgeon as soon as possible."

"Have you?"

"Not yet. No one was really there today. I'm going to try to call tomorrow," he explained.

"Let me know when you're going," she said firmly. "I want to be there."

He studied her for a moment. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure," she promised. Smiling through the tears, she reminded him, "We're getting married. Your problems are my problems. Right?"

He forced a smile, but she could still see the fear and uncertainty in his eyes. She hesitated a moment, but finally had to ask, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was going to," he admitted softly. "I've been trying to figure out how to tell you ever since I found out. I was going to do it when you got home, but after you told me about the baby, I-I just couldn't. I saw how happy you were. I didn't want to ruin that."

"Mark, the reason I was so happy about the baby was because it was something I wanted to share with you. You mean everything to me."

He looked away from her and sighed. He tried to tell himself that this was beyond his control, that there was nothing he could have done that would have prevented this. Yet at the same time, he couldn't help but feel as if he was letting her down. She was having his baby. There was no way she should have to go through that alone. He knew she needed him more now than she ever had before in their relationship, and he didn't know if he would be there for her.

She looked on as the emotions played out across his face, and she was pretty sure she knew exactly what he was thinking. She gently caressed his cheek, then said, "You are going to beat this, Mark. I know that. We're going to get through this together."

Showing a brief moment of vulnerability, he questioned, "How can you be so certain?"

She smiled slightly as she watched him. "Because I've waited too long to find this. Because I'm too close to having everything I've ever wanted. I am NOT going to give that up."

Seeing the fiery determination in her green eyes, he was almost able to believe that she could guarantee that by sheer will-power alone. "I love you," he whispered. "I hope you know that."

"I do. More than anything else, I know that," she promised. "And I love you."

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December 6, 2000