The radio blares out is annoying noise, urging me to buy this, telling me that i need that. i drift back to the summer, last year's summer. i think about where i was last year, last year at this time of the year, before i had decided that maybe nirvan wasn't for me. i think back to where i was lying on his bed, in his arms in the darkness, when i wondered if i should ask him if he'd mind if i kissed him. i asked. i don't know where that courage came from. i could use it now. anyway, i kissed him, and he pushed his tongue into my mouth. i shuddered, as i do now. it still scares me. it was my first kiss, and i had asked. after that, i asked every guy i wanted to kiss before actually doing so. i'm too impatient for them to make a move. the boys don't seem to mind. in fact, they're usually surprised and sometimes relieved. i've saved them the trouble of plotting it out themselves. i wonder if nirvan thinks of me. the reason why i remember this is because i'm wondering if i should ask adam krasinski out. i should add that i'm 18 and that adam is 14.
other than the age thing, which i'm okay about, there's the fat thing. i'm a fat girl. not to the point of obesity, but i know i'm fat. people say "oh no, no, you're not fat", but i know they're thinking it. i've heard their whispers, i've heard their giggles, i've heard my thighs rubbing together. i know i'm fat. periodically, i try to starve myself or excercise. note that the operative word is 'periodically'. being a fat girl, i've learned to ignore things, like fat jokes, calories, waist sizes, mirrors. i've learned to convince myself that i have big bones, guy's bones. i've learned to convince myself that i'm not that that compared to how i could be. i've learned to be too happy, too loud, too peppy, so that people will look at my eyes rather than my hips. i've learned to wear too much black eyeliner, to pierce my tongue, so that they look at my face and not my ass. i've learned a lot of things, being a fat girl.
i've decided that i won't ask him. he'll say no, i know it. "but you'll never know!", sure, but i'm not willing to test that theory. i'm going to try to stop altogether; he's just a pet boy, or so i'm trying to tell myself. besides, i've got my jody, although at times the idea of actually having a boyfriend seems pathetic. but anyway, i've decided against it. hey, if i can convince myself that i'm not fat, i can convince myself that i don't like him.
to the fat farm