I'll have Fries with that

In this instant world in which we live, one more great development has taken place. Yes, wave bye-bye to long chip shop queues for early next year sees the launch of an instant chip machine. For the price of a pound, you will have a paper cup filled with fries and even a little sachet of sauce.

Chip shops are quaking in their boots, not that chip shops wear boots, but if they did, it would be assumed that they would be. Owners of chip shops, however, claim the machine has lost the human touch. That customers want real, fresh, potato chips and none of this instant rubbish.

Of course, this just means they're affraid.

For most customers, the human touch is a spotty teenager, who can't care less, who's only working here to get free food whilst he's doing his degree. I don't think we're the only ones that believe this is no great loss.

Telly Drunkies

You either love them or you hate them. Strange bug-eyed, arial wearing weirdos who's language is as bad as their names. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa and Po. You may ask yourself, "What is their appeal ?" , and we would have to reply, that we just don't know. Why are the telly tubbies so darn popular?

We do know, however, that the idea was stolen from a bunch of drunks one Friday night outside the BBC's television centre. The drunks in question were talking about being a little "Laa Laa", a little "Dipsy" a little "Tinky Winky" and of cause, they all had a desire to "Po".

Of course, they aren't getting any money from this. In fact, they don't even remember the night in question, or rather, the nights in question as this did seem to be a regular occurance.

Still, it just goes to show, that how something with far from innocent origins can entertain children and students everywhere.

Holy sh*t Batman, its the terrorists!

In the fight against terrorism, a deadly diarrhoea gun is the latest developent by the pentagon. The weapon, which fires a sonic beam reducing the intruder's insides to jelly, is to be placed around all the US's top secret military bases.

Well, it's put the wind up us I tell you.

Spice girls shock

This week, has seen nothing really of any consequence involving the Spice Girls. However, like most people, they know that Elton John's remake of "Candle in the Wind" will go straight to number one (and in fact it did, and is possibly the fastest selling single in the world, ever) and as such, they have put back the release date of their new single... probably until next year when "Candle in the Wind" has fallen from the top spot. Officially they said "we didn't want to stop Candle in the Wind going to number one"...

I think that says it all. Sums up the spice girls totally. They are transparent, phonies who care only for one thing. Themselves. Girl power is simply "Spice Power". They want it all. They think they're bigger than God, than Diana. I can only hope someone brings them down to Earth soon. Preferably, with a big bang.

Thompsons - we'll fly you to the moon

For some reason, Emma Thompson has been chosen by Russian director Yuri Kara to be blasted into space , along with Willem Dafoe to star in a 20 million pound sci-fi movie called "Space Flight has a price". They are to stay on the Mir space station and ... do stuff.

Yuri said "Somebody has to start shooting in space, maybe it will be me."

Are we the only ones who can't see the point of this... unless it's to strand a couple of actors up in space where they won't be able to make any more films? We think Yuri is off his trolley. Do you know how big the station is, and how many people it takes to film a movie ? There's is no way the space station could hold the 40 or 50 people (minimum) it needs - of course, that's not including extras and hangers-on.

Personally, it would be nice if the Spice Girls could be blasted into space...