Hamster Times - The Sports section

Week ending 13th September 1997

Seaman Reveals All!

Under normal circumstances, it would have been just another football match, of course, these were far from normal. Since the horrific accident that took Princess Diana from us, just about every British sportsperson has been dedicating wins (and looses) to her. The national team was to be no exception, but, unlike many they produced the goods.

It was a World Cup Qualifier. The British lads against no-hopers Moldova, and it showed. Our boys dominating the whole of the match, sending them packing with a great four nil victory.

Earlier in the week though, we spoke to team captain David Seaman (*1) and asked how he felt about leading the squad in the wake of Diana.

"Well," he said, "it's a tough time for everyone in the country, and we all have to do our bit to prove that life does in fact go on".
Wise words indeed. But how did he rate England's chances?

"Personally, I'm a bit worried." he says, "Although We are the better side, we are coping with the loss of Di, well... quite badly if I'm honest. The whole team is more than a little bit devastated."

How did he plan to overcome this?

Secret Weapon ?

"Well," he says, " we have a secret weapon. My gloves. I've had this doohicky inserted into them which allows me complete control over the ball."

We spoke to the England Team's Science guy to get the low down on these gloves, and this is what he said.

The gloves work on the principle that all matter matters, and all anti-matter also matters, but just to aunties. The Ball, in reality, is an aunty. One of those ones we all have, who turn up at the wrong time. Who are loud, embarressing and not quite the relation we want to introduce our prospective suitors to. The gloves work in conjunction with this. At their heart is a couple of matter producing noodles (*2) which cause a matter-anti-matter field to be constructed between the ball and the gloves. As everyone knows, the resultant force is quite explosive. This propells the ball away from the goalmouth... possibly pushing it as far as the half way line.

But that isn't all.

The wearer of these gloves is able to switch from producing matter, to producting anti-matter. This means that the ball will be guided neatly into the gloves - allowing the keeper to pick it up, and do all the normal keeper things. This of course causes the opposing team to suspect nothing. (*3)

We then asked David how he felt about cheating.

"Well," he said, "Cheating isn't such the crime it was in the old days. When I were a lad, if you were caught cheating, you'd have your testicles removed and fed to the dog. Nowadays though, everyone's doing it (*4) and we're only doing it because we know they are (*5)"

The end

(*1) No, not really, we're making it all up.

(*2) We think he said noodles, but he was quite scary and we didn't want to ask him to repeat himself.

(*3) This is of course assuming that the team is of a pretty low inteligence level. If however, their inteligence is quite high, they may well become suspicious. However it is always hard to prove such things as cheating in football (should it go to court, there is the 99.9 percent chance that the case will be thrown out). Anyway, the gloves have a simple mechanism in them which allows, at the end of the game, for the noodles to absorb themselves and cease to exist, which, without any evidence, makes it even harder to prove cheating of any kind.

(*4) , (*5) We actually have no proof that everyone is doing it, or in fact that Moldova were cheating by swapping the ball at half time for a small bomb. In fact, if you don't believe us, see (*1)