HT:Sport

Gazza up (at) the Villa

Plans are afoot, apparently, to return Superstar Gazza to English football. Midland's team, Aston Villa, are rumoured to be attempting to get the soccer-rebel to sign an exclusive contract. However, we can now reveal that this whole story is meaningless. In fact, Gazza, is at this moment in time, attempting to buy an excellent Spanish Villa - with onsuite pool, cocktail bar, and peep show.

When approached by our reporters, Gazza cried out

"Why-eye the lads"

which made no sense at all to us.

Those Damned Yellow..... flags

In motor racing, the 'Yellow flag' struck again. In a warm up session for last weeks grand prix in Japan, the yellow flag jumped out in front of half a dozen racers. Of course, you have a flag jump out at you, you're going to wonder what exactly is going on. Unfortunately, even though a yellow flag rarely has anything interesting to say, ignoring it produces a one race ban.

Jacques Villeneuve was fuming when he found this out. Unfortunately, this led to him having a quite dreadful race - ending up only fifth. However, the team declined the appeal and the points he gained fail to count. Of course, points very rarely count as they are generally lacking in any sort of inteligence that would allow them to put more than 2 and 2 together - but that is life... or rather slightly inanimate numerical objects.

Michael Schunacher had this to say

"Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

but that was only due to someone telling him a particularly funny joke - which, of course we cannot repeat here (we only heard "Hoi mir meinen Mantel! - Weichen?" which is quite meaningless, unless the punchline had something to do with Columbo...)

Kenny wants Cole Back

Kenny Dalglish is currently looking to get old team memeber, Andy Cole back. However, we can exclusively reveal that Mr A.Cole was originally Mr A.Coal - and, in fact was a big lump of Coal. He had this to say about his past...

"When I was young, I lived in a soft peat bog... but then I got harder... becoming Coke for a while - but Pepsi didn't like it - so I became Coal. Much nicer to burn, and a lot better for people called Philip."

Of course, we then asked about football...

"Oh yes, football. I'd always loved the game, but I didn't thing there would be any possibility of a piece of solid fuel ever being part of the game. So, I did the unthinkable. I had a face lift... that is to say, I had a whole body lift. I hired an artist from Bristol who game down and worked on me with his hammer and chistel until he had what you now see before you. Yes, it was painful - but I think it was ultimately worth it..."