© Found on the homepage of Leon Dijk :
Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home,
see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He's all right now.
Q: Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association.
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve
to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam
went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said,
"Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this
time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passion overcame them and
they took off for her house, where they made love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex,
they fell asleep, awakening around 8 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman
to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you.
I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having love all afternoon. I fell
asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. All the kids are
restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher asks:
"Who ever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the
question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"Before Johnny could open his
mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny
was MAD that Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny
could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said,"That's right Mary. You
can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said
'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said,
"John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.Nancy
answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouthes shut". The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
Dressing after a shower at a health club, Dave noticed that Frank had a cork lodged in his ass
and asked, "How'd that happen?" "I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was
a puff of smoke and an old man in a turban came oozing out." The Genie said, "I am Abdullah the
Persian Genie, and I will grant you one wish. "I said, 'No Shit!'"
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it
are the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest
and weakest braincells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other
in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat
next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in
the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." (Shuttle flights do not have cabin
attendants,but you probably knew that.) "No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you." While
he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spat in it. The Jew brought back the coke, when
the other Arab said, "That looks good. I Think I'll have one too." Again, the Jew obligingly
goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Jew
returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was
landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples...this hatred...
this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar
homes. On the third tee the husband said,"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball -don't
knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right
through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you
to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is
going to cost us."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice ask them to come in. They opened the door
and saw broken glass on the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on
the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah... sorry about that..." the husband replied."No, actually I want to thank you -I'm a
genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great," the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No
problem -it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the
wife."I want a house in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie
replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband asked."Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle,
I haven't had sex with a woman for a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "We did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey.
I guess I don't mind."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie
rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband?"
"Thirty-five," she replied. "...and he still believes in genies?"
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in
the bucket - went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1
and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of
himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally
admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the
interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a
murder case!"
The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher
with a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to the defendant and
says,
"you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel"
"Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out.
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant,
"you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.
The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for
your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever
had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it
off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about
the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeeeemer!" he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer.
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was
ripped off!"
"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm
once was. "Where's my Rolex?"
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one
is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is
coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled,
he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back
at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous
piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they
return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that
the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then
the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the
grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the
graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an
explanation for the music.
"Oh, that's easy," the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
For Sale: Parachute. Used only once, never opened, small stain.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Thanks to Leon
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