Diana sighed dreamily and closed her book. Now there was the time to be alive, she thought to herself.

A time when a princess could be rescued from her awful conditions by a noble knight riding a

glorious steed, who would travel a thousand miles to be with her and take her away to a beautiful palace

where she would rule as queen. Where she would never want for wealth or entertainment, and would be

surrounded by servants waiting on her. That, she felt, was how to truly live, and she felt she deserved it. She

was good. She was kind. She was beautiful. She was everything that those princesses in the

stories was. So why was it that she was stuck as the middle sister of a dreary family of five, in a dreary little

town, made to go to a dreary school and learn all kinds of dreary, useless things, and go to a dreary

little church every Sunday and listen to some seriously dreary old man drone on? It just wasn't fair. Diana

was sure some kind of cosmic mistake had been made, and was semi-patiently waiting for this gross

miscalculation to be corrected.



        The doorbell rang its dreary little ding-dong. What kind of world was she living in where even the

doorbell was boring? Now, if this was a perfect world, that would be her white knight at the door.

Then again, her white knight wouldn't bother with the doorbell. He'd break down the door, rush up to her

room, and throw himself at her feet, begging her to take him as her lover. She ran a brush through her long

blond hair, newly permed, and applied a quick coat of lipstick to her lips. Just in case.



        But she was hardly surprised when she opened the door to find not a handsome knight in gleaming

armor, but a gawky blonde teenaged boy in faded jeans and an Adidas T-shirt, carrying a black kitbag with

the words "Lewis Institute" on the side. Great. To top off her dreary life, here was her distressingly dreary

boyfriend, Mark. She sighed a deep internal sigh and moved out onto the porch with him, and made up

her mind on something.



        Mark's face lit up when he saw her. "Hello, Diana!" he said, and leaned forward to give her a kiss on

the cheek. She let him. He paused a moment to see if she'd return it, then pulled back awkwardly

when it became evident that she'd rather burst boils.



       "What's wrong, Diana?" he asked



        Diana let out a small, heartfelt-sounding sigh, and said "Mark... we have to talk."



        Mark reacted to this phrase in classic male fashion, which is to say he went pale, gulped, and took a

reflexive step backwards. "Uh... okay. " he replied, his fear badly masked. He moved to sit on the swing,

perching on the edge, and set his bag down.



        Internally, Diana rolled her eyes. This, she thought, proves  my point exactly. How distressingly un-

knightlike. But on the outside,  she was the picture of heartfelt concern and regret. She sat on the 

railing of the porch, and faced Mark.



        "Mark... let's be honest. it's just not working out between us. " said Diana.



        Mark looked as though he'd been doused with hot water. He stammered a few times, then managed to

spit out "What?"



        "Look Mark.... you're a sweet guy and everything... " Diana said in her best soap-opera voice.



        Oh god, here it comes, thought Mark. Not again... oh God not again, I can't take it again.



        "But you're just not what I'm looking for in a lover. I'm sure you'll make some girl a very fine husband...

" she continued.



        Mark nodded numbly. But for now, I think it's best that we just stay good friends.



        "But for now, I think it's best that we just stay good friends. " Diana concluded, and congratulated

herself on putting it so diplomatically and so well.



        Mark just sat there, dumbstruck. Diana watched him carefully,  wondering if he was going to freak out

or anything. He was a mild type but you never know. 



        But all he did was let out a deep sigh, and says "So this is it then? It's over?"



        Diana wrinkled her nose a little. She didn't quite like the way he said that. He didn't sound all that

upset. And his expression wasn't right either. He'd gone all cold, and his usual look of suitable

adoration was gone, replaced by a look like a scientist gives a bug in a jar. Maybe he WAS going to freak

out. She took a half-step back unobtrusively and said "Yes. Mark, I'm afraid this is it."



        He shrugged, stood up, and picked up his kitbag. "Well, I  suppose I can't blame you. " he said

mater-of-factly, pointing at the  book clutched under Diana's arm.  "After all, I'm no knight in 

shining armor, right? 



        Diana looked at the book, with its colourfully illustrated  cover depicting a knight in full armor battling

some hideous demon. She was holding it in front of her, between Mark and herself, as 

though to protect herself from his dreariness with a talisman of  excitement and enchantment. She hadn't

even noticed that she'd picked it back up on the way down here. 



        But Diana definitely didn't like this tone of voice. He  sounded like a parent with a slow child. "Right."

she said bluntly. "You are definitely no knight."



        "Wrong. " he said, and turned to go. 



        Diana's eyes opened wide in disbelief. "I beg your pardon?"



        Mark turned back. "What part didn't you understand?"



        Diana couldn't believe her ears. Was he MOCKING her? "The part about me being wrong, Mark. "



        "Oh, that. " Mark said. " You said that I was not a knight in shining armor, and I disagreed. "



        Diana's face was flushed with outrage. "Are you seriously trying to tell me, Mark, that you think you're a

knight in shining armour?"



        Mark hmmmmed. "No, I guess not, Diana. "



        Diana nodded emphatically, and said "Right."



        "...I just think I'm every bit as good as one. "



        Diana felt the anger well up inside her again, but pushed it down. She was NOT going to let herself be

goaded. Instead, she just swept him with a disapproving glare and said "You've got to be kidding."



        Mark shook his head, and smiled a little. "Not at all, Diana my dear, my sweet, my precious one. " She

couldn't tell whether he was being sarcastic or not. "I honestly think I'm every bit as good as any

shining white knight from a story book, and I can prove it. "



        This I've got to hear, thought Diana. It should be good for a laugh or two. Mentally she pictured herself

telling her girlfriends all about Mark the white knight over lunch tomorrow. Sir Mark, she'd call

him, and they'd all laugh at the notion. All she said was "Oh?" and sat down on the swing, dubious but

curious.



        Mark nodded, and sat down as well, on the railing of the porch. He pulled out his notebook, opened to

a fresh page, and said "Tell me all your white knight, Diana dear. "



        Diana looked at him a moment, trying to figure out what he was up to. But his expression was

implacable, as cool and clinical as a thermometer. She decided to play along. "Well, he'd ride a noble

steed, earned through is years of tireless service to his lord. "



        "Mmm-hmm. " Richard scribbled in his notebook. Diana discreetly peeked at what he was writing. It

was just "Noble steed - Long service" with a little box to the left of it. Boring again, Mark, Diana thought.



        "And he'd know sorcerers and magicians, and they'd all owe him favours for the great services he'd

done for them. And he'd go on great quests for me, all over the kingdom, just to make me happy. He'd be

handsome, and rich, and have magical weapons and potions. And he'd fight great

battles to save me from peril."



        Mark nodded, writing down each prerequisite. "Is that all?" he inquired mildly.



        "Not yet. " Diana replied, smiling a smug little smile. She could just imagine him thinking he's bitten off

a bit more than he can chew now. She was very specific about her knights. "He'd whisk me off on

his noble steed, to someplace beautiful and warm, with servants and gardens and lots of beautiful things."

She thought a moment. "That's all. " she said.



        "Good. Now let's take a look at this list, shall we? First we have the noble steed, earned from years of

tireless service. Diana dear, do you see what's parked right over there?"



        He pointed. She looked. "It's your car. "



        "Right. Do you remember how I got it? I earned the money for that car by collecting trash every week

for that callous old buzzard Mr. Czowiski for two whole years. It was back-breaking, humiliating, and

thankless work, but I did it to earn enough money for my dream car. And there it is, my noble steed earned

through years of tireless service. " He smiled. "It's even a Mustang. "



        Diana smiled indulgently. "Cute. "



        "I thought so. Now let's see, what's next... ah yes. Knowledge of sorcerers and magicians, and them

owing me favors. That's an easy one. I've done lots of pro bono work over at the University. Half of the

professors there owe me plenty for doing quick programming jobs that saved their professional lives."



        "Professors aren't sorcerers. They're just boring old men. " said Diana, definitively.



        "Oh? What would you call a person like Dr. Macall? His research might just unlock the secret of

anti-gravity. Just think... flying cities, buildings the size of mountains, levitation...   Sounds like magic

to me, or the closest thing to it. "



        "Hmph. Go on. "



        "Certainly. Next is great quests, all over the kingdom. " Mark looked at her thoughtfully, and for a

moment Diana thought she had him there. But then he said "That broach. "



        Diana looked at the broach. He'd given it to her on her last birthday. It was a pretty little thing, a delicate

obsidian carving of a unicorn. "What about it? "



        "Remember how you saw it on another girl in school? And how you told me you simply had to have

one like it? "



        "Yes... " Diana replied. She didn't, actually, but she wasn't about to admit it. 



        "Do you remember when that was? " She shook her head. " It was last May.. four months before your

birthday. You know when I finally found that broach? Three hours before your birthday party. I searched

everywhere, every chance I could. I even tried tracked down the girl you'd originally seen it on, and tried to

buy it from her. "



        "You never told me you'd gone to so much trouble. "



        "You never asked. "



        Diana rocked gently on the swing. She pushed down the odd feeling she was starting to get in the pit of

her stomach. "What's next on the list? "



        Mark consulted the list. "Next is handsome."



        Diana smiled a triumphant little smile, and drew a breath to deliver a cutting remark that would end this

little game once and for all. But the remark got stuck somewhere just below her throat, because

she made the mistake of looking, really looking, for the first time in months at her erstwhile paramour. She

was more than a little startled at what she saw there. The hunched, gangly look was gone, replaced by

broad shoulders and a straight back. All that work on the garbage truck had earned him more than a car,

for his body was well-muscled and lean, and his face had filled out as well. He didn't look pop-eyed at all

any more.  The stringy teenager everybody called "Froggy"  all these years had been slowly turning into a

handsome young man all the time.



        Diana realized she was staring at him, and cleared her throat. "You skipped rich. " she said quickly.



        "Ah yes, rich, the perennial favorite. Diana, do you have any idea what I do all the time, besides going

to school?"



        "You fool around with your computer. "



        "I *program* my computer. I've won several important awards for my programming, and Jake and I

have got a little business started doing odd programming jobs around town. "



        Diana shrugged. "So? That's not going to make you rich. "



        Mark looked at her blankly. "Does the name Bill Gates mean anything to you, Diana? "



        Diana hmmphed and looked away from him, partly so that he wouldn't see how flustered she was

getting, and partly so that his newfound (to her) good looks wouldn't be distracting her.



        Mark didn't seem to notice, and pressed on. "Next up... magical weapons and potions. Hmmm. Well, I

think it stretches the definition of 'weapon' some... " Mark said as he rummaged around in his kitbag, "but

only if you don't know just how much damage one of these babies can do, if used by someone who knows

how. " He pulled out his laptop computer.  "Here it is, my magical weapon. "



     "Oh come on. A computer is hardly magical. " huffed Diana. She felt like she was slipping on black

ice and it was making her defensive. 



     "Isn't it? Do you know how they work?" Mark asked mildly. 



     "Well, no, but... " replied Diana. 



     "Exactly. They're a mystery to you. 



     "But they're not a mystery to you. " said Diana.



     "Do you think magic seems like magic to a wizard? And besides, I might be a fair hand at

programming, but I don't understand everything about computers. Nobody does, that's the weird part. "

replied Mark.



        "I still don't see what all computers can do. " Diana knew that she was sounding ignorant, but she was

still in shock from the momentum this crazy line of argument was building, and was stalling until she

could figure a way out of it.



        "Are you kidding? With this computer, I can access a hefty percentage of all the knowledge of

humanity, I can order products, make music, write great poetry (talent is my only barrier), you name it. I'd

say this computer is a lot handier than most of the magical weapons I've read about. " 



     "What about the magical potions? " Diana prodded. 



     Mark fished something out of his pocket. It was a little metal tube sticking into some sort of plastic

spigot. "Do you know what this is, Diana? " 



     Diana shook her head irritatedly. She hated tests, especially ones where she didn't know the

answer before she was asked. 



     Mark smiled and said "Are you SURE you don't know what this is? You've seen me use it dozens of

times. " Diana fought back the fury raging inside her at his condescension and shook her head again. 



     "It's my asthma inhaler. You mean you don't remember seeing me do this? " He placed the spigot

into his mouth and squeezed down. There was a short sharp hiss and he took a few long, deep breaths. 



     "Oh is that what you were doing? " Diana said, airily. She would never admit that until this very

moment she hadn't even realized he had asthma. "Lots of people have those. I don't see how it counts as a

magical potion, Mark. "



     "Then I'll explain. Without the medicine in here, I couldn't get through a day. I couldn't work, I

couldn't go to school, I couldn't do anything, really. But with this medicine, people like me can do anything

that someone without asthma can do. That's what I call magic. " said Mark. 



     Diana hmmphed, and paced the length of the porch and back. This whole situation was very weird

and very uncomfortable, and she was tempted to just storm dramatically up to her room and leave Mark on

the porch. But as soon as she thought it, she rejected it. That would seem far too much like defeat, and she

was not the type to accept defeat in anything. Besides, to leave now would mean she had to deal with this

horrible unfamiliar feeling welling up from dep inside her, and it frightened her. She wracked her brain for a

flaw, an imperfection in his absurd line of thinking. There was always a flaw. In everything. 



     Suddenly she turned back to Mark and said, triumphantly, "You have never fought a great battle to

save me from peril. " 



     "I haven't? " said Mark, his tone strained. 



     "You haven't. " she replied. it was her turn to grin. 



     "Not one? " said Mark. 



     "Not.... one. " said Diana sweetly, and looked up into Mark's eyes to give him one final victorious

smile before retiring in glory to her room and her books. 



     But what she saw in Mark's eyes made her gasp and take a half-step back. He looked, she

thought, like a person ready to strangle somebody, so much so that her hand flew up to protect her neck pf

their own accord. But then the look disappeared and was replaced by that new calmness that chilled her

almost as much. 



     Mark said, with exaggerated calmness, "Diana... do you remember the fight I got into at Club Astro

last Christmas Eve?" 



     Diana wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Yes. "



     "Do you have even the slightest idea WHY I got into a fight? Do you even remember who I got into

a fight with?" said Mark. 



     "I don't know. " she said, with a shrug. "I just figured it was some stupid male thing."



     "It was with Peter Graham, Diana. You know... Captain of the wrestling team? and it was to protect

you. " said Mark, his voice quivering slightly. 



     "Me? How? " she replied, in a voice so small and timid that it surprised her. 



     "I met up with him in the bathroom. He was pretty drunk, and he started telling me about how he

was going to 'get' you tonight. He said he'd always wanted to screw a princess like you. And when I asked

him what made him think you'd sleep with him, he just laughed and said he didn't think you'd have a lot of

choice in the matter. " Mark's voice was cold, almost robotic. 



     "I didn't know what to do. I didn't want him getting to you and I knew I couldn't talk him out of it in the

state he was in. So I challenged him to a fight, so you could get away while he was distracted. " 



     Diana felt ill.  Peter Graham was the person she'd been thinking of as a replacement for Mark. "I

seem to recall that he beat you up pretty badly. " 



     "Yes, Diana, he did. I'm surprised you noticed. " He thought for a moment. "Oh yes, now I

remember. You noticed because I was late for our next date because I had bandages on both hands and

couldn't drive. You said the bandages were 'gross' and got mad at me for being late. "



     Diana sat down on the swing next to Mark and stared at her knees. Why was he doing this to her?

Was this some sick kind of vengence? Her head was ringing and piunding at the same time, which she

decided was simply more than one should be expected to endure. 



     "So Diana, by your own criterion I qualify as the man of your dreams. Too bad it's all over. " He

stood up and started packing up his computer and putting away his inhaler. 



     Suddenly it all became clear to Diana. That's why he's doing all this! He wants me back! The heavy

weight that had settled on her lifted, and the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach disappeared, to be

replaced by a feeling of warmth and affection for Mark, hitherto unknown. 



     She took Mark's hand, and said "But Mark, it doesn't have to be over!" 



     Mark looked down at his hand in hers, and then at her. "Really? " 



     Diana almost laughed. "Yes, really! You've convinced me, Mark. I'll take you back. " She gave his

hand a little squeeze and smiled at him. A real smile, not an indulging one. It felt nice. 



     But then he froze her with a look of icy contempt so cold that she drew her hand away from his

quickly and stared up at him, mouth agape. 



     "What on earth makes you think I want to take you back? " he said. 



     Diana felt tears forming in her eyes. Real tears. But she was too confused to cry right now, so she

blinked them back.  "But... you were right... you're my knight... and I'm your princess... " 



     "Are you?" said Mark severely. "I've thought about it a lot, Diana, and for as long as I've known you,

you've never acted like a true fairy-tale princess even once. "



     The cold sinking feeling was back, in full force, and Diana felt the blush in her face. A little voice in

her mind was jumping up and down with fury at this assault on her character but she couldn't listen to it.

She stammered "But... you and me.... I'm pretty... " 



     Mark nodded curtly. "You are that. A very beautiful trap for whatever luckless man you get under

your thumb. Diana, I was your boyfriend for two years. In all that time, I don't think you ever looked at me

fondly, treated me fairly, or done anything but toy with and abuse me. "



     Diana just shook her head, trying to clear of of the buzzing confusion that had settled in. Mark

continued "But this isn't just about me. Diana, when was the last time you did anything charitable?" 



     Diana swallowed. "Well.... 



     Mark interrupted "I'll tell you. Never. You are the most ungiving person I have ever met. You are not

gentle. You are not kind. You are not honest. You are not, in short, a good person. It has taken me two

years and a lot of pain to realize this, but you, Diana, are no princess. You just look like one. "



     Diana stared at Mark, not really seeing him. A painful lump formed deep inside her and began to

rise, and for a horrifying moment she thought she was going to be sick. But it was only tears, which horrified

her slightly less, and once the tears started, the floodgates were open. It seemed like her whole world was

dissolving in great wracking tearful sobs. 



     Mark sat quietly and watched her cry. This was, after all, more or less what he'd been going for,

what all those months of her abuse had built up inside him. But now that he'd finally said all the things he

had wanted to say all this time, but never had the courage before, he realized that he wasn't angry with her

any more. She wasn't a princess and she wasn't a monster. She was just a silly stuck-up girl and he'd been

her equally silly love-struck boy. So, against his own good judgement, he placed his arm comfortingly

across her shoulders and held her as she cried. 



     It seemed to Diana like she'd been crying forever when the tears finally ebbed and subsided. 

Gradually, she became aware of Mark's arm around her, and she found she didn't mind at all. Before, she'd

always been resentful of Mark's constant clinging neediness (at least, that was how she'd seen it then...).

But right now, she hoped he'd never let go. 



     Mark saw that she was done crying, and gently withdrew his arm. He searched his mind, trying to

figure out exactly what he wanted to say. Hadn't he already said it all? "Look, Diana.... I don't hate you. "



     Diana looked up at him, her red eyes still shimmering with tears. "You don't? " 



     Mark shook his head. "No, Diana, I don't. But we can't be together. "



     Diana nodded numbly. "Of course. Why would you want to be with a horrible person like me?"



     Mark heaved a heavy sigh. "You're not a horrible person, Diana. You're just not a princess. "



     Diana sniffed. "It's the same thing. " 



     Mark gave her a Kleenex from his pack. "No, it isn't. Hard as it might be for you to believe, Diana, a

lot of people lead perfectly ordinary lives and are perfectly happy. " 



     Diana blew her nose daintily, and sighed. "But I'm not like them. I have dreams, ambitions... I want

to live in a world of magic and adventure, and... and romance..". She sighed. "I suppose you must think I'm

just being silly. "



     "It's not silly, Diana. You just have to learn to look at things differently. " said Mark. "Look around

you at the world. At this moment, surgeons are making the blind see and the deaf hear. There's a machine

orbiting the earth that can see into the very heart of the universe. Humanity routinely moves large parts of

mountains. " He pointed at the light on the porch. "That light... at night, there is light here. Outside of

humanity, there would be darkness. " 




     Mark got up and paced as he spoke. "What I'm trying to get at, Diana, is that every day, every one

of us performs miracles without even knowing it. To a person of even just 200 years ago, we live in a world

of magic and mystery, and we are all mighty sorcerers. 



     " And there's a lot more to it than just gadgets and technology.  As we speak, sperm cells and egg

cells are meeting and starting the long process that will make another living human being. The continents

are floating on seas of molten lava, and earthquakes and mountains happen where they meet. The world is

filled with wonder and magic, Diana. You just have to open your eyes to the wonders around you, and you'll

see that you've lived in the world you've been looking for all your life. "



     Diana sighed, and rubbed her temples. This was a lot to be trying to absorb. But the oddest part

was, after her cry, she wasn't really upset at all. Her self-worth was as low as it had ever been that she

could remember, yet she felt stronger and more confident than ever. Her whole life and nearly everything

she believed in had just crumbled into dust, yet she was as calm as a still pond. She had never known the

experience of being calm in the midst of confusion before. She liked it. 



     She looked up at Mark and said "Mark... I don't suppose there's any way that... you and I... " 



     Mark shook his head. "I'm afraid not, Diana. There's too much history between us for it to ever

work. Besides, I'm not the same shy insecure boy any more, and I don't think you ever were the girl I fell in

love with back then. No offense intended. " 



     "None taken. " Diana replied, with a wry smile. "



     Mark smiled back, and picked up his kitbag. "I guess I'd better be going. " 



     "Will I ever see you again?" asked Diana, more quickly than she'd have liked. 



     Mark shrugged. "You never know. Maybe a few years from now, when we're both older and wiser

and all this is behind us, we'll meet again, for lunch or something. But I think right now it's best if we just

leave each other alone. " 



     Alone, thought Diana. She suddenly felt very alone.  She couldn't remember ever feeling alone

before. But then she'd never really felt close to anybody before. This was another new feeling. It made her

feel like begging Mark to stay, but what was left of her pride would not allow that. 



     She nodded and said "Goodbye, Mark. " 



     "Goodbye, Diana. Remember to keep your eyes open. You might become a princess yet. " He

turned and went to his car without looking back. He mounted his white Mustang, out the bag with his magic

potions, learned tomes, and mystical weapons in the back, and drove off into the sunset.