What's On

ACT I : Before the Nachos

 Scene 1  - Richard and Linda

{Lights up. Linda is already onstage, sitting on the upstage
half of the couch. She is flipping through the TV guide when
the doorbell rings. She gets up to open the door. It's
Richard. He smiles when he sees her then the smile fades
when he sees how she's dressed.}

R : Linda, honey, don't tell me you're not ready to go yet. The
show starts in half an hour.

L : I thought we'd just stay in and watch TV tonight. I'm too
tired to go see some stupid movie now.

R: But.. you've been raving about this movie all week...

{Linda looks as though she's about to get angry and snap at
Richard. He notices and flinches. She gets herself under
control, with some difficulty, taking a deep breath. This
takes place in a few seconds.}

L : Look Richard, I've had a really hard day and I just want to
relax in front of the tube with my man. OK?

{Richard relaxes visibly.}

R : Oh, it's perfectly all right dear. It just came as a bit of a
suprise to me, that's all.

{They move to the couch. Next two lines are while moving.}

R : What's on?

L : {picks up the TV guide as she sits down, hands it to
Richard as he sits} I was thinking of watching that new
drama series, "Total Honesty". {points it out to him}

R : Eww, sounds awful!

{Linda takes the TV guide back from him and and whaps
him with it.}

{Somehow during this Richard has gotten a hold of the
remote control}

R : Alright, alright. We'll start with "Total Honesty" and see
how  much we like it. What channel is it on?

L : Channel 11.

{Richard manipulates the remote}

Scene 2 - Total Honesty

{Lights up on the TV section of the stage, revealing a
living-room type set, centering around love-seat or couch.
Onstage are a man and a woman, Dirk and Darlene. They
are in an embrace.}
Dirk : Oh Darlene... I love you so much... I only wish I wasn't
just using you as a way to prove to myself that I'm still sexy
and alluring, even though my wife won't sleep with me!

Darlene : Oh I know Dirk... that doesn't stop me from telling
myself I love you when all I really love is the sense of
adventure you inject into my life! Did I mention I was
sleeping with the pool boy?

Dirk : No... but he did.

Darlene : When were you talking to him?

Dirk : When I was over here sleeping with your sister, of
course, you silly thing you!

Darlene : Oh yes, I'd forgotten about that. She said that you
were quite good in bed, and I had to agree. She mentioned
you liked to tie her up... how come you never tried that with
me?

Dirk : Well, because I find her more exciting than I find you. I
think of ours as a stable, warm relationship. But you don't
have the fire, the thrill of danger that she does.

Darlene : But of course. How silly of me.

{They laugh a pleasant, innocent, melodious laugh.}

R : This is making me sick.

L : I agree. This show sucks. Turn the channel.

{Richard manipulates the remote. Lights down for scene
change in TV area.}

Scene 3 - Telethon for the Normal

{Set is your typical telethon setup. A table with phones on it
and some earnest looking volunteers answering them, with
Host in front of it on lights up. Host is a well-dressed man of
the telegenic type. Volunteers are strongly encouraged to do
things into the phones other than merely take donations, 
such a bark, complain, sing, whatever, But nothing
naturally which would entirely distract from the Host. }

Host : ... are already pouring in. For those of you just joining
us, allow me to explain what this telethon is all about. It is a
sad fact that, even in this day and age, there are some people
who, through no fault of their own, are completely and totally
normal. Maybe they came from an unbroken home, or made
too many normal choices in their life, or fell in with a normal
crowd, these people have failed to develop the skewed sense
of reality and the twisted personality flaws necessary to cope
with the bizarre and disturbing world of today. They are, 
ladies and gentlemen, rounds pegs in an era with only
dodecahedral holes. Think about the plight of thse poor
people, ladies and gentleman and those-not-entirely-sure-on-
the-question. Even therapists don't care about them. They
have no federally-funded support groups, no affirmative
action programs, no chance of ever being on Oprah.  And
while this condition is extremely rare, it is nonetheless a very
sad one, as we are about to demonstrate. Huey, will you bring
out Mr. Smith, please?

{A punk rocker dressed in an orderly's uniform leads out
Mr. Smith, who is a mild-looking man in  conservative suit. }

Host : Now I must warn you, ladies and gentlemen, that what
you are about to witness is a display of some extremely
normal behaviour. Those of you who heart conditions or who
are recovering normals people yourselves may wish to leave
the room and call your ex-boyfriend and hang up again. 

{Host turns to Mr. Smith, and smiles a reassuring smile.}

Host : Hello there, Mr. Smith.

Mr. Smith : Hello. How are you?

{Host shakes his head briefly, sadly.}

Host (with exaggerated care) : I am fine, Mr. Smith. 

Mr. Smith : You're not going to do anything weird, are you?

Host : No Mr. Smith, I'm just going to ask you a few
questions, and I want you to just respond to them however
you see fit. 

Mr. Smith : Okey dokey. 

{Host reacts as though Mr. Smith has just said "Seig Heil!"
but presses on.}

Host : *ahem* Yes.. well... Mr. Smith, why don't you start
out by telling us a little about yourself?

Mr. Smith : Sure thing. I live with my wife, Mary, and our
two sons, Tom and Harry, in a two-story house in the
suburbs. It has a big front lawn with sprinklers in it, and a w...
wh... w.. 

{Mr. Smith seems overcome with shame for a moment. }

Host : Mr. Smith, are you all right? Do you need something to
steady yourself, like a Maclean's or your copy of the Bridges
of Madison County?

Mr. Smith : No, no I'll be all right. {takes a few breaths} As I
was saying, we have a big front lawn and a white picket fence
out front. 

Host : Thank you Mr. Smith, for having the courage to admit
that to us here in the studio and those watching at home. Tell
me, Mr. Smith, when did you first notice these normal
tendencies? 

Mr. Smith : It all started in school. All the other kids would be
swapping stories about how they were being abused or how
their parents were getting divorces, and I would have nothing
to share. Then as a teenager, I innocently began doing normal
teen activities. Dating girls, going to the prom, you know. 

Host : (with contempt) I'm afraid I don't know, Mr. Smith. 

Mr. Smith : I'll never forget the time my parents caught me
sharing a soda with a girl at a malt shop, with her wearing my
school sweater. They were so shocked they barely bought
liquor for a week. My father was outraged that such a place
was allowed to exist and encourage normalcy in our youth. 

Host : As well he should have been. But with your donations,
ladies and gentlemen and transsexuals, we can close such
dens of equity and replace them with good old fashioned
arcades and red light districts. That will be all, Mr. Smith. Oh,
and one more thing... did you know that Liberace was gay?

{Mr. Smith reacts with total shock.}

Mr. Smith (While being led away by the orderly): Oh my
gosh! He seemed like such a NICE man. I have some of his
records. Oh dearie me. Oh my. That NICE man.

{Host shakes his head sadly.}

Host : Shocking, isn't it? But there is hope. Brilliant new
therapy techniques, using prolonged exposure to
hallucinogenic drugs and David Lynch films, are helping
these people become messed up jaded emotional cripples like
the rest of us. Please, call and pledge whatever you have left
after buying booze this week. Call 1-800-2NORMAL now,
and help us work towards a stranger and more twisted
tomorrow. 

Linda : That poor man! 

Richard : What an awful thing to happen to a person, to be
raised normal. 

Linda : I'm sure glad my parents gave me a properly
emotionally distant and overprotective upbringing. I would
hate to wind up like poor Mr. Smith. 

Richard : I don't think there's any danger of that, Linda dear. 

Linda : Shall we send them some money? 

Richard : Well, I'd like to but.. I can't. 

Linda : Why not? 

Richard (with quiet anger) : Because that man looks just like
my father!

{Richard manipulates the remote.}

Scene 4 - Rich and Evil

{Lights up in TV area. Bare stage. A little stip of astroturf,
maybe, and some 'outdoors' noises to set the scene. Two
people on stage, Rockford and Estelle. Both look very rich.}

{This scene begins with Rockford heading forcefully across
the stage and Estelle blocking his path. He stops short and
looks her over. They size each other up like prizefighters for
a few moments.}

E : (oozing insincerity) Rockford Steele, just the man I was
looking for!

R : (calm and cool) Good morning Estelle. Now why would
you be looking for little old me?

E : (sweetly)I just thought I'd tell you, I just bought up 50,000
shares of Rockford Incorporated through a dummy company
I secretly own in Red China. Added to the 100,000 shares I
won in that crooked poker game, and the 500,000 I bought
with your alimony check last month, that makes a
total of 650,000 shares, meaning I own 51% of your
comapany. Which makes me your boss, which of course
means you are fired. Have everything out of your office by
noon today, darling.

R : Well before you start breaking out the bubbly, my dear,
there are a few things I think you ought to know.

E : Oh really?

R : (oozing insincerity) Yes, and I am afraid you're not going
to like them very much. Firstly, if you had bothered to open
your paper this morning, you'd know that I instructed the the
securities department of my firm to issue 1 million more
shares, which means that you don't own 51% of my stock at
all.

E : (doesn't bat an eye) Oh really?

R : Really. Furthermore, that dummy company's CEO was
found floating face down in the Yellow River with three neat
bullet holes on his forehead and a carefully-forged note
pinned to his chest, explaining that he'd killed himself because
without the love of his lover Sven, he just couldn't live with
the memories of his life as a ruthless Nazi prison guard any
longer.

E : (not meaning it in the slightest) That poor man.

R : That's what happens to you when you cross Rockford
Steele. And last but certainly not least, now that I have lured
you out here, in the middle of the woods without a scrap of
civilization for miles around on the false pretense that you
were going to get to gloat over your victory over me, I can
give the order to my psychotic henchman Goodi to release
the dogs that will rips you into pieces small enough to be
considered a snack for a flea. Ever so sorry my dear, but it
looks like this is it.

E : Well my dear, this would indeed be terrible news... if
Goodi was still loyal to you.

R : (ever-so-slightly upset but hiding it very well) What do
you mean?

E : You see, my dear Rockford, I've been slowly sleeping and
assasinating my way through the ranks of your company.
Incidentally, I had to kill your gay brother Kipling. He too was
found dead in the Yellow river this morning with a suicide
note pinned to his chest.

R : But ... Kipling was vacationing in Holland....

E : (smiles sweetly) And THAT's what happens when you
cross Estelle Delouise. Anyhow, over the last year I've either
seduced into total obedience or killed and replaced all of your
top advisors, including  your beloved Goodi.

R : You slept with Goodi? I find that hard to believe.

E : Of course I didn't, you silly man. I'm not an animal. I got
the maid to do it.

R : Of course.

E : Of course. So go ahead and call Goodi, he won't answer.
He's on his way to Tibet to become a monk and take a vow of
silence.

R : And why would he do a thing like that?

E : Well it's only prudent (savoring) when you've helped
murder your boss.

{Rockford nods knowingly.}

R : I thought so. How will you do it?

E : Oh, it's already done my dear. When you were flying to
Red China to oversee the assasination of whatsisname, the
CEO, Goodi replaced the medicine in your heart pills with a
slow-acting poison which should be taking effect right
about... {looks at watch} now.

{Rockford clutches at his chest and doubles over in pain}

R : (gasping out his last) Good show... Estelle my dear.. now I
remember... why I married you...

{Rockford expires, noisily. Estelle laughs girlishly and skips
away offstage. Richard looks at Linda.}

Richard : It goes?

Linda : It goes. That was worse than the first one.

Richard : I agree. What else is on?

{Linda thumbs through the TV guide.}

Linda  : Well, there's "Lifestyles of the Dangerously
Unstable"

Richard : Naah. If you've seen one chicken-bone pyramid,
you've seen them all, as far as I'm concerned.

Linda : True, true. How about "Echo"?

Richard : What?

Linda : Echo.

Richard : What?

Linda : ECHO!

Richard : Oh, Echo! {thinks about it for a moment, shakes
head} No.

Linda : Why not?

Richard : Well it's beginning to repeat itself.

Linda : I suppose. Anyway, it's on again at 11.

Richard : What else is on?

{Linda scrutinizes the TV guide some more)

Linda : Oh look! That new comedy series,"Two Dead Kids in
a Ball" is on.

Richard :(reluctant but trying to hide it) We... could watch
that.

Linda : It's on Channel 10.

{Richard clicks remote. Lights down TV side.}

Scene 5 - Two Dead Kids in a Ball

{Lights up. Scene is set up to resemble a shop, with the Clerk
already on stage. On lights up, the Policeman comes in.
Both are dressed 90% normally with one highly visible
anachronism. For example, the policeman could be in high
heels, and the clerk could have a clown's wig on.}

Linda : Oooh, just like Monty Python!

Richard : Shhhh!

Clerk : Can I help you Officer? I'm gay you know.

Policeman : Yes, I am looking for a murderer. He has a pasty
complexion, is about 5' 15" tall, and has a scar in the shape of
a penis.

{Linda giggles.}

Clerk : No, I'm afraid I haven't seen anyone like that. And I'm
sure I'd remember someone like that. I'm gay, you know.

Policeman : Well a witness saw him come into this shop last
night, and nobody has seen him leave since then. Are you
sure you haven't seen him?

Clerk : I'm positive. I wasn't even in here last night. I was out
painting the Sistine Chapel on a billboard in neon colors all
last night. I'm gay, you know.

Policeman : Well I took the liberty of checking on your
whereabouts last evening and it turns out that nobody actually
saw you at that billboard.

Clerk : So? What does that prove? (beat) I'm gay, you know.

Policeman : In and of itself, nothing. But we also have a
witness who places you here last night.

Clerk : Oh. (pause)

Richard : He's gay, you know.

Clerk : I'm gay, you know.

Linda : Shhhh!

Richard : Is this supposed to be funny?

Linda : (sounding uncertain) Well it's a very... subtle kind of
humor.

Richard : It must be extremely subtle, I can't find a trace of it.

Linda : Well shhh now, they're coming to the punchline.

{A buzzer sounds. The Clerk and the Policeman high-five
then walk offstage. Linda and Richard are dumbstruck.}

Richard : That was some punchline.

{Linda nods and gives a nervous little laugh}

Linda : It's a highly artistic kind of humour.

Richard : It's autistic all right.

Linda : ARTistic. Maybe it just has a cultural component to it
that we're not getting. He IS g...

Richard : (interrupting} DONT say it... please. So can I
change the channel? 

Linda : That depends. What else is on? 

{Richard flips through the TV guide. }

Richard : There's something on called "Wrong Answers".

Linda : Oh, let's watch that! 

{Richard looks at her. }

Linda : (casually) That is... if there's nothing better on. 

Scene 6  - Game Show #1 : Wrong Answers

{Scene is a typical game-show setp, with one podium stage-
left for the host and two more for the contestants. The
contestants each have something to function as a buzzer (a
desk bell would work). A large sign with WRONG
ANSWERS on it hangs or is placed between the host and the
contestants. On lights up, the contestants (Ed and Bill) are
in place, looking eager and excited. Theme music would be
good.  }

ANNOUNCER : And now, it's Wrong Answers, the only
game show that rewards you for being as wrong as humanly
possible. And here to get us doing wrong is our host, the man
with ALL the wrong answers, Blink Chippendale!

{Blink enters, all big smile and cheap suit. He moves to
stage center in front of the space between the two sets of
podiums. He is holding a big sign that says "APPLAUSE"
over his head.  }

Blink : Hi, everybody!

Contestants and Linda : Hi, Blink! 

{Richard looks at Linda. During this next exchange Blink
puts the sign behind his podium and returns to the stage-
center spot as described in the above.}

Linda (embarassed) : I might have seen this show once or
twice... 

Richard : Just while flicking through the channels, right? 

Linda : Right. Right. 

Blink : Hi there folks, and welcome to Wrong Answers.
We've got quite a show for you today, so let's get started.
Contestants, are you ready? 

Ed and Bill : We're ready, Blink!

{Blink gets behind his podium. }

Blink : Then let's get going! And here's our first question :
who was Canada's first Prime Minister? 

{NOTE : assume contestants use their 'buzzers' before they
answer and Blink says their name.}

Ed : Phil Donahue? 

Blink : Is exactly  wrong! Good going, Ed! What is the
longest river in the world? 

Bill : Cottage cheese?

Blink : Wrong! Isaac Newton discovered gravity : true, or
false?

Bill : False! 

Blink : No... Ed?

Ed : The color blue! 

Blink : Wrong! I'm sorry, Bill, but we have to go with the
wronger answer. Next question...what is the capital of PEI?

Bill : A huge neon pink poodle in a tuxedo garling beer! 

Blink : No, I'm sorry Bill but this is "Wrong Answers", not
"Weird Answers. " Ed?

Ed : Potatoes! 

Blink : Hmm... I think I'll have to get a ruling on that one...
{looks offstage for a moment, then nods.} No, I'm afraid the
judges have ruled that answer right, Ed. Potatoes ARE the
course of most of the capital on PEI. No points in that round.
And I see that it's time for a commercial break. 

Richard : That was quick. 

Linda : Yeah. Does it seem to you like the commercials have
been getting longer, and the shows have been getting shorter
over the last few years?

Richard : Now that you mention it, yes. But don't they have
regulations on how long a commercial break can be? 

Linda : I thought so. Maybe it's just that the commercials are
so bad it just seems longer. 

Scene 7  - Commercial Break #1 

{Because the commercial breaks are so small, don't bother
to do the lights down, lights up routine except when
indicated. Just go through them one after another.}

{Lights up. Onstage, a corporate-looking fellow with a
genial, honest smile on his face, hereafter referred to as
'Suit'. Behind him is a flipchart and he is carrying a fold-up
pointer.}

Voiceover : And now, a message from United Products
Incorporated, a division of Universal Holdings International.

Suit : Good evening. We at United Products Incorporated,
and our parent company, Universal Holdings International,
have been producing, distributing, and selling our products to
you, the consumer, for over fifty years now. Now many
companies will try to tell you that they do what they do
because they love to make quality products, or they have
been 'serving the community', or any number of other
reasons. But we here at United Products Inc. have decided
that it time we were totally honest with all you consumers out
there. We're not in it for quality or service : (unfolds pointer
and flips open flipchart to reveal a sign with the following
words written in large bold letters, and points to each word as
he says it) WE WANT YOUR MONEY. That's right, you
heard me say it and I'll say it again. We want your money.
God, do we want your money. It's all we ever think about.
We dream about your money. We sit around in boardrooms
thinking of new ways to get your money. We ruthlessly train
our sales staff in the most effective ways to get your money.
We spend our own money to get brilliant advertising
campaigns going, just to get our inkstained hands on your
money. Heck (freindly chuckle) the only reason we're doing
this honest ad is because our market analysts, who
incidentally also want your money, tell us that honesty really
sells to consumers these days. So here we are, putting
everything out in the open. We want your money. We don't
care who you are. We don't care what you look like. We don't
care how you got the money. And frankly, we don't care how
we get it. So where do you, the consumer come into this? The
answer is simple : buy our stuff. Buy as much of it as you
possibly can. Sell the house, sell the kids, we don't care. As
long as you buy everything you possibly can from us, we'll be
happy. So to sum up : We want your money. Buy our stuff.

VOICEOVER : United Products Inc. We want your money.
Buy our stuff.

Linda : Well, I guess there was only one way this whole
honesty trend could possibly go.

Richard : That was not a pretty sight.

Linda : Yeah. You have to admit though, it was very honest.

Richard : True, true. I don't know if I own anything made by
United Products Incorporated. I don't think so.

Linda : It's nearly impossible to tell. These big conglomerates
often own a lot of smaller companies, and don't always bother
to put their name on them.

{Richard notices something on the back of the remote
control}

Richard : Hey, it says United Products Incorporated on this
remote control! I guess they made your TV.

Linda : Really? (thinks a moment on what to say to this) Well
I hope my money made them happy.

Richard : I'm sure it did.

{By this time in the TV half there has been time (hopefully)
to set up this next commercial. Set consists of a couch.
Female is sitting on the couch looking somewhat fretful.
Both Male and Female are dressed in upper-middle class
casual, tasteful sweaters and slacks. }

{SFX:Doorbell. Male opens door and enters.}

MALE: I hate to bother you again, but could I borrow a
cup of Tasty Choice coffee from you?

FEMALE: Yes, take it! Take whatever you want!

MALE: What!?

FEMALE: I'm sick of it, dammit! I'm sick of you coming in
here with those dark eyebrows, dripping double-entendres
and driving me into a manic frenzy!

MALE: I don't understand....

FEMALE: I'm saying KISS ME NOW, YOU PAGAN
GOD!!!

MALE: Oh.{Beat} OK.

{she grabs him by the shirt and hauls him onto the couch}

ANNOUNCER: Tasty Choice. You didn't really think this
had anything to do with coffee, did you?

Richard : Well I guess that's the end of that series of
commercials.

Linda : Not necessarily. They could get caught.

Richard : Yeah, but what kind of message would that be to
leave with your potential consumers? "Tasty Choice : Gets
you caught in infidelity."

Linda : I hadn't thought of that. I guess any more commercials
would be just more of the same.

{Tasty choice set (the couch) is removed by now and
another announcer comes out. This one is very passionate
and earnest, in the style of public service announcements
worldwide.}

ANNOUNCER: It's out there. You've probably been affected
by it already, or maybe it's gotten to someone you know and
love. And studies show that it's only getting worse.  In fact,
it's been shown that one in five people susceptible to it has
had it happen to them. But now, there's hope. Stop it before it
starts. Send $25.00 to the following address: 1222 Rue
Dide',Grand Fois, France, and we'll send you our starter kit.
With this kit, you'll be on the road to an affordable prevention
program. And you'll never have to worry about it again. Write
now, before it catches up .... to you.

Linda : What was he talking about?

Richard : I don't know. But I'm scared.

Linda : Me too. Hold me, Richard!

{They embrace for a moment.}

Richard : I'll send the money tomorrow morning. What was
that address again? Something in France?

Linda : 1222 Rude Dide, Grand Fois, France.

{Richard takes out a notepad and writes this down as she
says it}

Richard : Right. I think I'll send the money tonight actually.
Can't be too safe these days.

{Linda nods.}

Linda : Now that that is taken care of.. what do we want to
watch?

{Richard once more flips through the TV guide.}

Richard : You know, I've just noticed something. 

Linda : Oh? 

Richard : Yes... have you noticed that I always have the remot
and the TV guide, but usually it's you who decides what we
wind up watching? 

Linda : That's not true. 

Richard : It IS true. But that's the way of the world, isn't it?
Men holding on to the control and the knowledge, but it's
really the women in charge. 

Linda : Don't be ridiculous. Men control the money, the
politics, the media. Nearly everything in the world is run by
rich old white men. 

Richard : Rich old white men with WIVES. 

Linda : What's that got to do with anything? Now I want you
to drop this whole silly thing. Men have all the power and that
is that. OK?

Richard : (grudgingly) Oh, all right. 

Linda : Good boy. Now change the channel. 

Scene 8 - Here, There, and Nowhere

{Scene is of two older men sitting on a park bench. }

Lou : Quiet day today. 

Bud : Ayup. Most days are pretty quiet nowadays. 

Lou : Uh-huh. Still, it's not like the old days, eh? 

{A young man enters stage-left. He is your typical yuppyish
looking fellow. He looks around for a little while and spots
Bud and Lou. He approaches them. }

Bud : Looks like things might liven up a little. 

Lou : Ayup. Good afternoon, young feller. 

Man : Hi there. I've been travelling through your quaint little
countryside and I seem to have gotten myself lost. Can either
of you tell me how to get to Drakestown?

Bud : Sure thing young feller. It's not too farm from Here. 

Man : Oh, that's good. So you can give me some directions? 

Lou : Ayup. First thing, is you get out on this here road going
north, and it'll take you right to There. 

Man : Oh! Very good. Thank you very much. {goes to leave}

Bud : Hold on there, young feller. You ain't even close to
Drakesville yet, son. 

Man : I'm not? 

Lou : Nope. You've just barely made it to There. 

Man : Wasn't that the point?

Bud : No son, you don't want just to get to There, you wanted
to go to Drakesville. 

Man : Um... all right.

Lou : That's the spirit sonny. Now, where were we... 

Bud : We'd just gotten to There, Lou. 

Lou : Thanks Bud. OK, so you've just rolled into There. Now,
once you get There, take the first right and keep going for 20
miles. 

Man : So after I get to There.. I take a right and go 20 miles? 

Bud : Exactly. Then, you'll reach Here. 

Man : Excuse me? I'm already here. 

Lou : No, you're here. You want to leave here, go to There,
then go through There to get to Here. 

Man : (beginning to give in) Ok... so I've left here, gone to
there, made my left turn...

Bud : Right turn. 

Man : Right... right turn. I've made my right turn when I'm in
There, and now I'm 20 miles down the road.. in Here. 

Lou : You got it, sonny. Now, it's very important that you
take the right turn from Here, otherwise you'll wind up in the
middle of Nowhere, which isn't that far from Here.

Man : Why doesn't that surprise me? 

Bud : Not that Nowhere's a bad place to be. 

Lou : No siree. I have an aunt that lives out in the middle of
Nowhere, she likes it much better than when she lived in
There.

Man : So... I'm supposed to leave here, go to There, then to
Here but not back here, avoid going to Nowhere from here,
and then I'll reach my destination, which isn't Here OR
There???

Bud : That's it on the button, son! Three cheers for modern
education, eh Lou?

Lou : That's right Bud. Good job kid!

Man : I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!! 

{Bud and Lou exchange a sad look.}

Man : All I wanted was a little advice, maybe some directions!
But all I get is this mumbo jumbo! Well, as far as I'm
concerned, you can both go to Hell!!!!

{Bus and Lou wait a few beats as the Man cools down a
little.}

Bud : Can't do that, sonny. 

Man : What? Why?

Bud : Bus to Hell only runs on weekends. 

{Man gives a strangled cry, and runs offstage. }

Lou : What a strange man. 

Bud : It's all this rap music, Lou. They don't understand plain
English any more. 

Lou : I guess so, Bud. 

{Linda bursts out laughing. Richard listens to her laugh
and smiles indulgently, nodding. She laughs for a good
solid laugh then stops, wiping her eyes. }

Richard : I don't get it. 

Linda : What? 

Richard : I don't get it. It just sounded like a lot of nonsense to
me. Hardly humour. 

Linda : Are you serious? 

{Richard nods seriously. He looks puzzled. }

Linda : Okay... well the premise of the skit is that there's a
town called Here and a town called There. Oh, and another
one called Nowhere. See?

Richard : I see. 

{Linda smiles. Richard still looks puzzled however. }

Linda : You don't see, do you? 

Richard : Not really, no. Why would they give the towns such
confusing names? 

Linda : They wouldn't. I mean, they didn't. Look, the towns
are just called that because it's part of the humor...

Richard : It doesn't seem funny to me... 

Linda : Well that's not the whole joke... see then the young
man comes in and tries to get directions, and Bud and Lou are
innocently giving the man directions and getting the poor
man all confused. 

Richard : I see. And this is funny? 

Linda : Hilarious. Trust me. 

Richard : But why didn't Bud and Lou just explain the
situation to the young man? Surely they've come across this
problem before... 

{Linda sighs and throws her hands up in the air. }

Linda : I give up. Are you hungry? 

Richard : A little. I had an early supper. 

Linda : Well I'm starving. Let's get something to eat. 

Richard : OK. How do nachos sound? 

Linda : Sounds good to me. 

{They get up and leave. }

ACT II : Nachos and Beyond

Scene 9 - Richard and Linda II, and Soap Opera Scorecard

{On lights up, Richard and Linda enter their half of the
stage, Richard carrying a plastc bag with a bag of nachos
and a jar of salsa in it in one hand, and a bowl in the other.
They move over to in front of the coffee table. Richard's next
line is while moving. }

Richard : They all look the same. 

{Linda takes the bag and bowl from him and busies herself
getting the snack ready. }

Linda : What look all the same? 

Richard : Convenience stores. 

Linda : Of course they look the same. They're a chain. 

{Linda hands Richard the jar of salsa, which he opens. }

Richard : No, I mean all of them. They all look the same. 

{Linda pauses in her preparations a moment. }

Linda : You know, you're right. Malls too. They all look the
same, town to town. 

{Linda goes back to getting the snack ready. }

Richard : Yep. Malls, convenience stores, banks, you name it,
all stamped from the same demographically perfect mold. 

Linda : So what? If most people didn't like it, they wouldn't all
look the same. 

{Richard suddenly bursts into laughter. Linda is surpised,
and looks at him concernedly. }

Linda : What? What is it? Are you all right?

Richard : (still laughing) I'm fine.. it's just.. I get it! The whole
thing! Here, There, Nowhere... and Hell! I get it! 

Linda : Oh is that all. You had me worried. 

{She finishes her preparations, and proffers the bowl to
Richard}

Linda : Here, eat. You're probably weak from the mental
strain of getting a sense of humour. 

{Richard finishes his laugh, takes a nacho, eats it. }

Richard : Shall we see what's on? 

Linda : Sure. 

{Lights up TV side. Scene is of a simple dining room,
consisting of a table with candles, place settings, etc., and
two chairs. Brent and Lily are there, both of them young
professionals, well-dressed. They are looking lovingly into
each other's eyes. Lily's purse is on the floor beside her. }

Brent : Oh Lily, you've been so supportive of me ever since
my brother Eric made his big announcement and my ex-wife
Margaret told me about my missing son, Fred. 

{Lily looks off for a moment. }

Brent : What is it, my love? Is it your father's ghost again? 

Lily : No, Brent.. it's just that...what with Daddy in the
hospital not even remembering that he's Martin's lawyer, and
the murder trial in only two weeks, and the party for Celia
being tomorrow night, well, I guess I'm a little preoccupied. 

Brent : I know, my love. I was talking to Trish earlier, at the
party for Desiree's return from prison, and she said you
seemed awfully worried last time you came to visit your half-
son Theo. 

Lily : Who is Trish? 

Brent: Isn't she the college friend with the dark past that
recenty came back to confess to you that she's bearing your
brother's illegitimate twins?

Lily : No, that's Debbie. 

Brent : I thought Debbie was the love-child of your
grandmother, Libby, and her butler, Stevedore. 

Lily : No, that's George. And my grandmother's name is
Eleanor, not Libby, and her butler's name is Smitty. 

Brent : Then who is Libby? 

Lily : I don't know... could she be the sultry, ruthless blonde
who tried to seduce Mayor Elgin? 

Brent : No, no, this one I know... the sultry blonde was
Tonya. She's living with Huey, the parapalegic ski instructor,
now. 

Lily : I thought Huey had a miraculous recovery last
Christmas...

Brent : Could be... I only got over my latest case of amnesia a
few weeks ago, remember. 

Lily : Of course, dear. But... who is Libby? 

Brent : Hmmmm.... 

{The two spend a moment thinking hard.}

Lily : It's no good. We'll have to look at the scorecard. 

{Lily puts her purse on her lap and starts rummaging
through it.}

Brent : Is yours up-to-date? Mine's useless, it's a week old. 

{Lily produces scorecard. }

Lily : Here it is.  Yes, it's this morning's, so it should be fairly
up to date. Now let's see...

{Lily runs her finger down the card.}

Lily : It says here that Libby is the other personality of my
shizophrenic grand-aunt Eliza. Currently, she's dead. 

Brent : Well that never lasts. What about Huey... did he have
a mirculous recovery, or not? 

Lily : I'll check... hmmm... what does a capital A mean?

Brent : Abducted by aliens. 

Lily : That doesn't make sense... 

Brent : Wait... does the A have little wings on it? 

Lily : Now that you mention it, it does. 

Brent : Oh, well that's 'angelic intervention' then. 

Lila : Right! So presumably that's how he got to walk again. 

Brent : Yeah... {looks thoughtful for a moment} You know
Lila, it's on nights like this, with the snow falling outside, and
the stars twinkling so bright, and you with me, that I
appreciate what we have, living in a small rural town like this. 

Lila : I know, Brent. I love the simple country life. 

{Linda looks lovingly into Richard's eyes. }

Linda : You know Richard... the snow's falling outside today..
and the stars are twinkling bright... 

Richard : I know Linda... you know what that makes me
think of? 

{Linda moves a little closer.}

Linda : (slowly, romantically) What?

Richard : I still don't have my snow tires on. 

{Linda snatches the nacho bowl from Richard and crunches
one with a vengence. }

Richard : What? 

Linda : Just change the channel, Romeo. 

Scene 10 - Emergency Broadcast System

{Set is just a sign that says "Emergency Broadcast System"}

VOICEOVER : The following is a test of the Emergency
Broadcast System. This is only a test. 
 
Linda : Oh, I hate these things. 

Richard : Me too. {fiddling with the remote} Where's that
mute button? 

VOICEOVER : It is only a test. {deep breath} GET OUT!! 

{Richard and Linda are startled }

VOICEOVER : RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! DROP
EVERYTHING AND GET AS FAR AWAY FROM
WHERE YOU ARE AS YOU CAN AS FAST AS YOU
CAN!!! IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!! RUN! RUN!
RUUUUUUUN!!!!(pant, pant, deep breath) The preceding
was a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been
a real emergency, we'd all be dead by now.

Richard : You know, maybe the other ones weren't so bad
after all. 

Linda : At least before they were more reassuring. 

Richard : I'd always wondered what exactly they would say if
there was a real emergency. I expected something a little
more.. I dunno... 

Linda : Official? Rational?

Richard : Calm. Something more calm. 

Linda : Yes, but what if they had to announce that we were
all going to die and there was nothing they could do about it?

Richard : I'd still prefer they told us calmly and rationally then
scream it at us at the top of their lungs. 

Linda : Yeah, I guess so. 

Richard : For that matter.. why tell us at all?

Scene 11 - Game Show #2 : Justification

{Setup is the same as in 'Wrong Answers', except that on
lights up, the contestants (this time Marsha and Bob) are
not onstage, and naturally the sign is different. }

ANNOUNCER : This is Justification! The game the whole
family can play. Competing on tonight's program are : Marsha
Woodbrook, a middle-aged mother of three who claims that
the reason she cheats on her husband is because he never
hangs his towel up after a shower, and Bob Juno, a systems
analyst who says that he cheats on his taxes as a protest
against the government. And with us as always is our host,
the man with a reason to do just about anything, Alec
Quebec. 

{As each contestant and is announced, they come onstage
and get behind their podiums. The same goes for Alec.}

Alec : Good evening, everybody. Well, I can see that our
contestants are eager to get started, so let's get right to it.
Marsha, you won the coin toss backstage, so you get to select 
the category first. 

Marsha : OK, Alec, I'll take Children for $100. 

Alec : OK... and the situation is... you've just taken all the
money from your 5-year-old's piggy bank to go out to coffee
with some of your friends. 

{Again, assume that before someone answers, both
contestants use their 'buzzers' and Alec says the name of the
contestant about to speak. }

Marsha : What does a five-year-old need the money for
anyway? He'll just waste it on junk food. 

Alec : Good one, Marsha. I get the feeling you've done this
before. Your turn to select again.

Marsha : I'll take Sex for $100, Alec. 

Alec : I'm sure you will. The situation : your spouse has just
discovered that you were unfaithful on your last business trip. 

Marsha : I was lonely, and he was gorgeous... 

Alec : Not too convincing Marsha. Bob?

Bob : I was lonely, and she looked just like my wife. I was
overwhelmed. It'll never happen again. 

Alec : Very convincing,  Bob. I'd forgive you. Your turn to
select.

Bob : I'll take Professional for $300, Alec.

Alec : And the situation is... you just got a promotion over
your best friend, who was much more qualified, because you
showered the boss with expensive gifts. 

Bob : It's just part of the competition, Alec. 

Alec : Sorry Bob, that's just an excuse. Marsha? 

Marsha : The new job would have made her miserable. She's
happy where she is. 

{Bob and Alec go "oooooh".}

Richard : I hear this is one of the most popular games of all
time. People all over the world are playing it. 

Linda : Richard, I want you to promise me something... 

Richard : Okay... what do you want me to promise? 

Lind a : I want you to promise me that you'll never use these
flimsy justifications as an excuse to be a total jerk? 

Richard : I promise, Linda, that I will never do that. 

Linda : Thank you, Richard. 

Richard : Unless I have a really good reason to. 

{Linda looks disgusted. } 

 Scene 12 : Commercial Break #2 

{Scene is of woman at a desk with a phone. On lights up she
turns towards the audience and smiles warmly. A headset
for her would be a major plus. )

Judy : Hi there. My names is Judy, and I'm an operator for
Sprain, the long distance company, and not an actress hired to
portray one. Honest. And I'm here to tell you about Sprain's
brand new long distance calling program. It's called Friends
Connection Family Saver Program Super Plus IX, and we
think it's our most exciting offer ever. All you have to do is
give us a list of names of people you might call, and provided
you spend at least $500/month on long distance at least 11
months out of twelve on non-leap years, you'll be able to save
from one to 51.725% on all calls to people on one half of
your list or the other on alternating Mondays in months with
a "R" but without a "U" if you mother's birthday was in
spring! Or not.  And, if you opt for our additional Extra Value
Phone Table Peanut Butter Drill Revelation Discount Deal,
you'll also save an additional percentage to be determined
later when making calls during a full moon while standing on
one foot, providing the ducks have not mated and the Jewish
date isn't divisible by 7 and you win the coin toss. Isn't that
exciting? So switch to Sprain today, and you could quite
possibly save a lot of money! We'll even switch you over for
free, providing you pay our $20 transaction fee first. Get a
Sprain on your phone today! 

Richard : You know, that must might be a very good deal. 

Linda : Or it might be a really bad deal. Who can tell? 

Richard : Presumably, they can. 

Linda : Not necessarily. They could just charge you whatever
they want and makes up a reason later. Who would know?

Richard : Indeed. Why can't they come up with a nice, simple
system? 

{Set is bare. Reporter is onstage. He is your Reporter
archetype, with microphone in hand, fedora, etc.
Background of street noises would be helpful.  }

Reporter : Hi there folks. This is Chip Bullingly, world
famous reporter in commercials, and I'm talking today with
people about ATNT's new Unquestionably Really Simple
Program. 

{Man on the Street (MOTS) enters on the words
Unquestionably Really Simple. He is a middle-class looking
fellow. He heads across the stage as though walking on the
street past Reporter. Reporter beckons to MOTS. }

Reporter : Excuse me, sir? 

{MOTS stops in front of him. }

Reporter : What is your name, sir?

{MOTS  looks out at audience with a "Am I on TV?" look.}

MOTS : My name is John Q. Smith, and I am an average,
everyday consumer just like you. 

Reporter : How much do you pay for long distance, Mr.
Smith?

MOTS : Well gee, I'm not sure. 

Reporter : Take a guess...

MOTS : Uh... five dollars a minute? 

Reporter : What if I told you that I could arrange for you to
pay a lot less? 

MOTS : Well gee, I'd be so incredibly impressed, I'd do it
right away, no questions asked! 

{Reporter smiles and chuckles. }

Reporter : You're just the kind of consumer we like at ATNT,
Mr. Smith.  But before I tell you how to pay less for your long
distance, I'd like to ask you... have you tried any of our
competitor's long distance calling plans? 

MOTS : Yes I have. I was on the Family and Friends plan,
but what with all that paying attention to what time of day it
was and who I was calling just made my head spin! And
percentages! Golly, I have a doctorate in advanced
mathematics, but I can't understand them at all! 

Reporter : Who can, Mr. Smith, who can. That's what is so
great about the new Unquestionably Really Simple program
from ATNT. Sign up for this revolutionary new system, and
ATNT simply charges you whatever they see fit. 

Richard and MOTS : That's it? 

Reporter : That's it! 

MOTS : No names? No times? No dates? No... percentages??

Reporter : None at all, Mr. Smith. All you have to do is sign
up with ATNT and all you'll have to worry about is paying
the bill! You'll never have to worry about savings again. 

MOTS : Well, sign me up right now! But... hey... you said I'd
save over the other companies! 

Reporter : Oh, Mr Smith! With sharp consumers like you out
there we corporate types could never get away with anything
dishonest!

MOTS : (flattered) Well... 

Reporter : And you're right, I did say that you'd save over the
other companies with our new system. 

MOTS : How? 

Reporter : Simple. We promise you will. 

MOTS : Well that's good enough for me! Sign me up! And I'll
sign up my wife, my children, my dog, and everyone I know! 

Reporter : That's the spirit, Mr. Smith, you average-Joe-
middle-class-guy-next-door! And that goes for you, all you
consumers out there in TV land... remember, when the other
long distance companies have you confused and you don't
know what to do, just say to yourself "U.R. Simple" and give
us a call! 

Richard : Well, that was an insult to our intelligence. 

Linda : I agree. What kind of idiot would fall for that kind of
thing? Do they think we're really that stupid? 

Richard : By the way... which long distance company are you
signed up with? 

Linda : Um... gee... 

Richard : Don't you know? 

Linda : I know it.. it's the one with Candice Bergen... 

Richard : (grinning) Is that the reason you signed up? 

Linda : No! And stop being so smug.. what company are
YOU signed up with, hmmm? 

Richard : I know it. 

Linda : Uh-huh. So what it is? 

Richard : I'd rather not say. 

Linda : Why not? Is it a secret long distance company?

Richard : No, not exactly.. 

Linda : Then which one is it? 

Richard : It's uh... (mumbles something indistinct)

Linda : Pardon me? What was that? 

{Richard mumbles again)

Linda : I still can't hear you! 

Richard : I said, ATNT! OK? Happy? 

{Linda laughs and pats him on the shoulder. }

Linda : There, there, dear. How long have you been with
them?

Richard : (defensively) Months. YEARS!

{Stage is bare, just Dude onstage. "Smells Like Nirvana" by
Weird Al Yankovic starts playing.  }

Dude : Hey, all you radical dudes! How would YOU like to
learn to be an ultra-awesome rebel, JUST LIKE ME? Well
my friend, I wasn't always such an incredibly awesome
specimen of total coolness. I used to be a nerd, just like you
are! It's true. I was such a nerd that the only tan I ever got was
from the light from my computer screen! But that was before
I got the Home Rebel Kit, from those megacool dudes at
United Products Incorporated! It has EVERYthing a teenager
needs to become the kind of angry, disillusioned rebel we all
look up to! Like the United Products Home Piercing and
Tatooing Kit, complete with a needle for the tatooing, a
piercing gun for the piercing, and some tranquilizers, for your
parents when they find out! But wait, there's more, dude. You
also get the Official Guide to Rebellion and Doing your Own
Thing! Follow this manual exactly, and you can be a rebel just
like everybody else! The Guide teaches you all the basics :
how to sneer, how to have attitude, and even how to claim
your failures are rebellions. It teaches you important phrases
like "War sucks!", " Anarchy!" , and of course, "Nobody
understands me! " The manual tells you what bands to listen
to, what clothes to wear, and what magazines to read in order
to show the world that you're your own person! Don't let big
business and the Government run your life, when for a mere
$79.99 we can tell you everything you need to do to blend in
with all the other rebels! Why stick out in the crowd? Order
the United Products Incorporated Home Rebel Kit today! 

Scene 13 : Masterstroke Theatre

ANNOUNCER : (very British sounding) Good evening, and
welcome to Masterstroke Theatre. This week, we continue
our tribute to the Bard with "Romeo and Juliet", as done by
"Shakespeare in the Dark".

{lights do NOT come up!}

Juliet : Oh romeo, romeo... wherefore art thou, romeo?

Romeo : Um, I'm not sure. I think I'm by a lake or
something...

Juliet : What?

Romeo : I SAID, I THINK I'M... hang on a sec, i'll move
closer.

{SFX: SPLOOOOSH!}

Juliet : Romeo! Romeo! Are you all right?

{Richard stifles a giggle. Linda is getting more and more
annoyed.}

Romeo : (sputters and coughs) Uh, yeah, I just slipped...
guess the lake was a little closer than I thought (heh).

{Richard breaks out laughing. Linda glares at him.}

Richard : Can we change the channel now?

Linda : (sullenly) OK. Change it to whatever you want.

{Richard changes the channel. Lights up to reveal the Red
Monster, a pro wrestler in typical garb. No need to go
overboard on costuming.}

RM : I'm talkin to YOU, Yellow devil! You tricked your way
into the belt! You used your evil influence to steal my
manager! You even managed to win the loyalty of my turtle,
Fluffy! But ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! At Wimpaphobia 94,
I'm gonna break you in half! I'm gonna split your head
open and eat your brains! I'm gonna beat you within a
micrometer of your life! I'm gonna break every bone in your
body in alphabetical order! I'm gonna smash your ribcage! I'm
gonna force you to default on your mortgage! I'm gonna dis
yo momma! i'm gonna fake sincerity! I'm gonna puncture
your bubble of self-respect and dignity with my witty remarks
and clever quips! I'm gonna name-drop! I'm...

{During this speech, there is a tussle between Linda and
Richard over the remote control which Richard eventually
wins, but not before Linda manages to 'mute' the TV, which
happens at the end of RM's speech. He stays on stage,
however, and continues his tirade silently, with lots of
interesting-looking gestures and motions. }

Linda : Not THAT!

Richard : (whining, teasingly) But you SAID 'WHATEVER'!

Linda : NOT THAT.

Richard : But I don't even know if he's a good guy or not
yet....

Linda : TURN IT.

{Richard reluctantly turns the channel. Lights down.}

Scene 14 - And Now the News

{Lights up. Standard newsreading setup, one long table
with three chairs and someone behind each. Those
someones are : Mark Keeler, Lana Trent, and Gordon
Hughes (MK, LT, and GH)}

Linda : Ick, the news!

Richard : At least it's more informative than wrestling.

Linda : Yeah. And more violent.

MK : Good evening, and welcome to the WNN Newsdesk.
I'm Mark Keeler, filling in for Robert Dacland.

LT : And I'm Lana Trent, filling in for Terasa Chow

GH : And I'm Gordon Hughes, filling in for Roberta York,
who was filling in for Hugo Gottenstern, who was filling in
for Joa Tse Heng-Fou, who was filling in for Martha
Delaware, who was filling in for me.

MK : Tonight's top stories... The Progressive Consevative
Party has been declared an endangered species...Stock prices
soared on the New York Stock exchange, and nobody can
figure out why... and the latest poll reveals that 35 percent are
in favor of it, 45% are against it, and only 20 percent admitted
that they didn't know what it was.

LT : Scientists at a UCLA lab were amazed today when an
angel appeared in the skies overhead and offered the world
eternal peace, harmony, and happiness to all of humanity,
regardless of race, religion, or culture. But because this is
impossible according to our current understanding of
science, they chose to ignore it, and the angel eventually went
away.

GH : Also in the news : Brian Mulroney today was giving a
press conference attacking Jean Chretien's policies when he
suddenly lurched forward, his eyes fluttering open and closed.
Anxious attendants quickly rushed to his side, and the former
President was helped back to his feet. He appeared to recover
quickly from the incident, but then addressed the press,
saying "Where am I? What am I doing here? Last
thing I remember, I was back in Ottawa... I had just decided
to run for Leader of the Progressive Conservatives when this
bright white light hit me, and everything went blank. Where
am I? Who won the election? " Mulrony is now claiming that
during his entire career with the Progressive Conservatives,
including his years as the Prime Minister of Canada, his mind
was controlled by malevolent aliens from the Crab Nebula,
bent on wrecking the Canadian economy so that they can
take over and use the Northwest Territories as their spacecraft
refueling station. Political analysts are unsure as to how this
will effect the former PM's  political career. One was quoted
as saying "Five years ago, we would have said he
was politically dead. But since the Natural Law Party came
along, we're not so sure."

Linda : You know, that would explain a lot.

Richard : Yeah. I always thought that the GST had an  'evil
alien intelligence' ring to it.

Linda : Have you seen the GST Processing Cente in
Summerside? No human mind could have conceived of such
a place.

Richard : I hear they've got a minature Stonehenge in the
basement. 

GH : Now is the time on WNN Newsdesk we like to call
"Pro/Con", where we present both sides of an issue in a
balanced and fair debate. Tonight's issue is Welfare Reform,
Giving the Pro side will be our own Lana Trent

LT : Thank you Gordan.

GH : And giving the con side will be our own Mark Keeler.

MK : Thank you, Gordon.

GH : First, with the pro side, Lana.

LT : Thank you Gordon. In my opinion, no nation can justify
calling itself civilized unless it can provide for its least
advantaged citizens. The chain of soceity is only as stong as
its weakest links, and so we must strive to strengthen these
links. To this end, we need to reform our Welfare system, to
make it more inclusive, and more fair.

GH : Thank you, Lana. Mark, would you care to respond?

MK : Ahh, they're all a bunch of bums, looking for a free
meal. Half of them are too stupid to find jobs and the other
half are too lazy. I say cut them off. Let'm starve if they don't
want to work.

GH : Some interesting points raised there Lana... how would
you respond?

LT : Well Gordon, it is a common misconception that the
average welfare recipient is a person of below average
intelligence, who lacks the ambition to seek permanent
employment and uses the welfare system as their
primary source of income, when in reality most recipients do
not match this profile. Most are average-intelligence citizens
much like yourself,who strive actively to find employment
and to better themselves. Indeed, many recipients work as
well as receive welfare, and still find it very difficult to make
ends meet.

GH : Response, Mark?

MK : They're bums, I tell ya, bums! If we cut them loose
maybe they'll grow up and find a real job. If not, at least let
them die off so they won't be a burden on the rest of us any
more.

GH : Well I'm afraid that's all the time we have for "Pro/Con"
today. I thank you both for your insightful and
thought-provoking commentary, and I hope this discussion
has illuminated both sides of the issue for the viewers at
home. Now, back to the news. Mark?

MT : Lana?

LT : Gordon?

GH : Lana?

LT : Mark?

MT : Gordon?

GH : Lana?

LT : Mark?

MT : Uhh... uhh... damn!

{Lana and Gordon both laugh and point at Mark}

LT & GH : Ha ha! You lose! You've got to do it! You lose!

{Lana and Gordon both produce water guns and squirt
Mark, who accepts being squirted with good-natured
resignation.}

MT : Well.. (smooths wet hair) that's all the time we have for
WNN Newsdesk today. Until tommorrow, I'm Mark Keeler....

Linda : Who will he be tomorrow?

{Richard giggles}

LT : I'm Lana Trent...

GH : And I'm Gordon Hughes. Remember, if you didn't see it
first on WNN,

GH, LT, and MT : (In unison, looking straight into the
'camera') Somebody got fired over it.

{SFX : Ending-type theme (optional). Lights down.}

Richard : Well that was an interesting debate.

Linda : (sharply) Ha!

Richard : What? What was wrong with that?

Linda : Are you kidding? That was the most slanted, biased
piece of..of GARBAGE I have ever seen!

Richard : Oh come on, it was perfectly fair.

Linda : Perfectly fair? Is this your idea of perfectly fair? Every
time these liberal journalists present their little 'debates', the
left-wing side is always well-expressed and superbly rational,
and the right-wing side is put over as the hate-filled ramblings
of a petty Hitler!

Richard : Aren't they?

{Linda ignores this.}

Richard : Well you know what I think?

Linda: (icily) I can guess.

Richard : I think that what's really bothering you is just how
stupid the conservative positions sound when put in plain
language.

Linda : Plain language is one thing. But the people they show
are always these rednecked imbeciles who can't dress
themselves, let alone think.

Richard : Sounds like your usual conservative crowd.

Linda : Well you know what I think? 

Richard : What?

Linda : I think you're every bit as prejudiced and narrow-
minded as you're always claiming we conservatives are. 

Richard : That's ridiculous. I'm a card carrying Liberal. We're
not allowed to be small-minded and bigoted. 

{Richard manipulates the remote. }

Scene 15  - Game Show #3 : Another Damned Game Show

{Scene is the same as the first two game shows, but no sign,
and contestants are onstage. The contestants are : Doug, an
increbly bored looking teenager, and Alice, a gum-chewing
housewife.}

Richard : Not another damned game show! 

ANNOUNCER : It's Another Damned Game Show!

Richard : Oh. 

ANNOUNCER:  Yes, yet another mindless ceelebration of
greed and competition guaranteed to destroy whatever brain
cells you've got left. With us because he can't get a real job is
your host, not mine, Trad Boinkerly. 

{Tad enters. He's dressed like a game show host, but his tie
is crooked, he needs a shave, and he's wobbling a little like
he's somewhat drunk. He goes to the space between the sets
of podiums, and smiles a sickly smile at the audience.}

Tad : That's Tad Binkerly, Mr. Announcer. 

ANNOUNCER : Like I care... BRAD. 

{Tad laughs a very forced laugh. }

Tad : That announcer... what a card... what a... jerk. (very
sarcastically) Well, ladies and gentlmean, we've got a REAL
exciting show for you tonight, so let's get started. Why not.

{Tad goes behind his podium, clears some junk off of it
looking for the questions, and finds them. }
 
Tad : OK, here's the first question. What is the sound that a
cow makes? 

{Contestants just stare blankly ahead. }

Tad : Oh come on. You MUST know this one. 

{More blank staring. }

Tad : I'll read it again. What is the SOUND that a COW
makes?

{Total lack of action except Alice's gumchewing.}

Tad : It's MOO! MOO! COWS GO MOO!! Where do they
GET you people? 

{Doug buzzes in.}

Doug : Uh... at auditions?

Tad : That's wasn't a question, you Generation X reject! OK,
next question : what color is the White House?

{More total silence. }

Tad : Come on... you can do it... it's call thinking... give it a
try, you just might enjoy it.. what COLOR is the WHITE
House?

{Alice buzzes in. }

Alice : Uh... blue? 

Tad : NO! NO NO NO! It's WHITE! The WHITE HOUSE! 

{Tad heaves a heavy sigh and looks heavenward. }

Tad : Shakespeare, God. I could have been doing
Shakespeare. But I said "Shakespeare is boring... TV is where
the excitement is. " 

ANNOUNCER : Tad, this is God. Get back to the show. 

Tad : Very funny, Mr. Announcer. Is it time for a commercial
break yet, Mr. Comedian?

{Doug buzzes in. }

Doug : Uh.... yes?

Tad : Not you, brain donor. 

ANNOUNCER : Yes, Tad, it's time for a commercial break. 

Tad : Good. We're going to pause for a commercial break so
that we can pay the bills and you can have advertising
executives try to control your mind. Please, don't come back.
There's got to be something better than this on. 

Linda : It doesn't get much worse. 

Richard : Really? I think they've got a hit on their hands. 

Linda : You can't be serious. Seems to me more like they got
a hit on the head. 

Richard : I am totally serious. I love it. It's the game show for
people who hate game shows. 

Linda : Well I hate games shows and I don't like it. 

Richard : And you say it's me that has no sense of humor. 

Scene 16 - Commercials #3 
 
{Clear stage, with Sarge standing downstage of Soldiers,
who initially are standing at attention to either side of
Sarge. }

{Sarge paces back and forth in front of soldiers as he talks}

Sarge : Now men, I know you've been through those other
boot camps, where all you have to do is pathetic obstacle
courses and wimpy little twenty mile hikes. WELL NOT
THIS CAMP! Here at the Five Star Sensitivity Boot Camp,
we'll put you through REAL hell! This next three weeks will
be the most emotionally grueling, the most psychologically
torturous weeks of your lives! YOu'll confront your fears!
You'll get in touch with your feelings! And if you make it
through, you'll be emotionally tough enough to meet the
sensitivity and intimacy demands of the modern world! Gone
are the days when a man could hide his feelings behind a so-
called "tough" macho attitude! In the bad old days, men were
known to go to war and kill hundreds of people just because
they couldn't admit they they were scared! BUT THOSE
DAYS ARE GONE, MEN! What to you say to that? 

Soliders : GOOD RIDDENCE SIR! 

Sarge : That's what I like to hear. When I first came to this
camp, I was a pathetic shell! Sure, I was middleweight boxing
champion of Canada. Sure, I had a cabinet full of track and
field awards. I even had a chest full of awards for bravery
from Vietnam! But I tell you men, none of those awards gave
me the satisfaction of THIS HERE PINK HEART that I won
here, for finally telling my father that I love him! 

{Sarge whirls on Soldier 1, getting right in his face. }

Sarge : YOU, solider! What are you here for? 

Soldier 1 : Fear of intimacy, SIR! 

Sarge : Well we'll soon cure you of THAT! Now repeat after
me : I LOVE YOU, DAD!

{The soliders look at each other. }

Soldiers (mumbling) : I love you, Dad. 

Sarge : I CAN'T HEAR YOU! 

Soldiers (louder) : I LOVE YOU, DAD! 

Sarge : ONE MORE TIME !

Soldiers (LOUD) : I LOVE YOU, DAD! 

Sarge : Good work men. You're on the right track. That will
be all for today, but remember you've got group therepy at 5
am tomorrow morning. Dis-MISSED! 

ANNOUNCER : Five Star Sensitivity Boot Camp. We'll
make you into a real man... of the 90's. 

{Sarge and Soldiers exit, Gee enters. Geek is dressed asthe
total nerd, go wild with this. He is carrying a cellular phone
or partable phone.}

ANNOUNCER : (very earnest and excited) Are you a socially
maladjusted geek?

{Geek grins sheepishly and nods shyly}

A : Does your lack of personal hygiene, gross physical
disfigurement, severe personality disorders or sheer spineless
social ineptitude prevent you from going out into the real
world and maybe actually meeting somebody?

{Geek nods again as before}

A :  Then PICK UP THE PHONE and dial 1-800-566-GEEK
where there's a party full of other social lepers just waiting for
you!

{Geek looks excited. He picks up the phone and dials, and
begins talkingand chortling, generally having a nerdish
good time.}

A :  Talk to your OTHER people too timid for real life!
Exchange wildly exaggerated descriptions!

{Geek does a 'Muscle pose', points to himself,  and nods}

A :  Maybe even strike up a pathetic relationship over the
phone! Just think, all this for only five dollars a minute! JUST
DIAL 1-800-566-GEEK!

Linda : God! What kind of person would call something like
that.

{Richard is silent. Linda looks at him, suspecting.}

Linda : Don't tell me YOU phone those things!

Richard : (a bit too jolly) Who, me? Of course not. I've never
called 1-800-566-GEEK in my life (nervous laugh).

Linda : (sensing his discomfort) It's all right if you did...

Richard : (even jollier) Don't be silly, Linda.

Linda : (annoyed with him) You haven't?

Richard : (making eye contact) No, I haven't. OK?

Linda : (icily) OK.

{Richard looks at her uncomfortably, sensing he has done
something to anger her but not sure exactly what. Linda
remains sullen and angry through the next commercial.}

{Geek is offstage, taking phone et al with him, and now we
have Beautiful Woman, who is dressed in something
glamorous and sensual. She is holding a bottle of
shampoo.}

BW : Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I
have the gall to come on national TV and TELL you I'm
beautiful. Hate me because all it takes is this stupid shampoo
to MAKE me beautiful, when all the liposuction in the world
wouldn't save you. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate
me because you're not.

Linda : God, I hate her.

Richard : Why?

{Linda shoots him a dirty look}

Linda : (sweetly, dramatically) Am I as beautiful as she is,
Richard my darling, my sweet?

Richard : Of course you are, my dear.

Linda : (even more syrupy and breezy) And if I wasn't, you
would tell me, wouldn't you?

Richard : Of course I would.

{Linda glowers at Richard, and takes the remote control,
beginning to flick through the channels. This is represented
on the TV side of the stage by the lights going up and down,
with Reverend Goodfellow onstage by the second flash.}

Richard : (disgustedly) Oh look, it's the Good Reverend
Goodfellow.

{Lights go up and down a few more times, to suggest that he
is on every channel on the dial}

Richard : God, he's everywhere! Do we have to put up with
this?

Linda : I guess it's too late for anything else.

{Linda stops trying to change the channel. Lights come up
again.}

Scene 9 - The Good Reverend, and Finale

{Reverend is at a podium, which has a large,
impressive-looking Bible on it. He is well-dressed and
overweight.}

RG : ... and the Lord spoke to me, and he said "Lo, though at
every sideyou are opposed by heathens and perverts, and
though that pit of snakes, that nest of vipers called the Press
slanders and pillaries you, and though the demons called
Static and Microwave Fading have plagued your broadcasts,
still you are my Chosen One, my Hand on Earth, and you will
triumph over the sinners which surround you on all sides, and
yea, these sinners will fall into the pits of Hell where their
screams shall echo for all Eternity." Amen.

Richard : Pleasant thought.

{Linda ignores him.}

RG : Now, my children, it comes the time when I have to
give some sorrowful news to you, and yet, it is also news of
hope. For you see, when the Lord spoke to me, He said that
He loves my parishoners so much that he is going to call
them home to Him, three weeks from today. And when God
said this unto me, I cried out "O Lord! Dear Lord! Never
before have I questioned your Word! But is there nothing I, as
your humble shepard ,can do to keep his flock here on
Earth?" And the Lord said unto me that if, by the date of the
Great Calling, three weeks from this very day, your
parishoners out there in the Video Kingdom can prove to me
that they still have much good to do there on Earth, then I
will allow them to remain on the Earth, though it wounds my
Heart to do so. And I said to the Lord, "How? How  may they
prove this to You?". And the Lord said that if by that date,
three weeks from this very day, your parishoners have filled
your holy coffers with gold, to the amount of 80 million of
your Earthly dollars (RG quickly and expertly wipes a little
drool of the corner of his mouth with a handkercheif), then I
will take that as proof that they have the will and the ability to
do good upon the Earth, and I will leave them to walk upon it.
And I said...

{Linda changes the channel. Lights down, up, down, up
again, the Reverend getting offstage during this. The lights
continue to come up and down to signify that she is flicking
through the channels.}

Richard : Thank God he's gone. I can't believe that any
self-respecting deity would appoint such a sleazy creature as
His Holy Messenger.

{Linda pointedly ignores him... flick, flick, flick...It dawns on
Richard that maybe she's REALLY upset.}

Richard : Are you upset about something?

{Silence.}

Richard : Was it the Reverend? Don't worry, dear, as horrible
as he sounds the actual number of followers is pretty small..

{Linda gives him a look that would strip paint, and
continues}

Richard : (under his breath) Dammit! (aloud) Was it that
awful Beauty commercial? I don't even think she looks that
beautiful..

{If the previous look would strip paint, this look would burn
into ashes whatever the paint was on.}

Richard : (desperately) Was it something I said, something I
did, what?

Linda : {still flicking through the channels) If you really loved
me, you'd know the answer.

{Linda changes the channel one more time. A quick lights
down/ lights up, and she puts the remote down on the coffe
table. The "Final Jeoprady" music begins to play. As it
plays, Richard wracks his brains to try and figured out how
he upset her. As it ends, it hits him.}

Richard : Look Linda, I'm sorry I told you I've never called
one of those party lines. I have, I have, I used to call them all
the time in college. Remeber when I told you that I had a big
credit card debt when I got out of university? Well that was
what it was from. I was lonely and kind of a nerd, and it gave
me some companionship. I'm sorry I lied to you, it was just
stupid pride, and fear. I thought you'd think less of me if you
thought I was 'that kind of guy', and I just couldn't stand
the thought of looking bad in your eyes. Because I love you,
Linda, more than I've ever loved anything in my life. I'm sorry
I was so stupid and I hope you can find it in your heart to
forgive me.

{There are a few tense seconds where Richard and Linda
look at each other, Linda deciding, Richard hoping. Then
Linda smiles and slides over on the couch to embrace
Richard, who is monumentally relieved. She kisses Richard
softly.}

Linda : Close enough. But you forgot to put your answer in
the form of a question (giggles and kisses him again.)

{Richard feigns being upset at this, but he knows that he is
out of the woods now. He kisses Linda, and picks up the
remote from the coffee table. He points it at the TV and the
lights go down in the TV area. He then reaches behind him
to turn off the lamp, and the lights go down in the viewer
section as well. Finis.}