ACT I : Before the Nachos Scene 1 - Richard and Linda {Lights up. Linda is already onstage, sitting on the upstage half of the couch. She is flipping through the TV guide when the doorbell rings. She gets up to open the door. It's Richard. He smiles when he sees her then the smile fades when he sees how she's dressed.} R : Linda, honey, don't tell me you're not ready to go yet. The show starts in half an hour. L : I thought we'd just stay in and watch TV tonight. I'm too tired to go see some stupid movie now. R: But.. you've been raving about this movie all week... {Linda looks as though she's about to get angry and snap at Richard. He notices and flinches. She gets herself under control, with some difficulty, taking a deep breath. This takes place in a few seconds.} L : Look Richard, I've had a really hard day and I just want to relax in front of the tube with my man. OK? {Richard relaxes visibly.} R : Oh, it's perfectly all right dear. It just came as a bit of a suprise to me, that's all. {They move to the couch. Next two lines are while moving.} R : What's on? L : {picks up the TV guide as she sits down, hands it to Richard as he sits} I was thinking of watching that new drama series, "Total Honesty". {points it out to him} R : Eww, sounds awful! {Linda takes the TV guide back from him and and whaps him with it.} {Somehow during this Richard has gotten a hold of the remote control} R : Alright, alright. We'll start with "Total Honesty" and see how much we like it. What channel is it on? L : Channel 11. {Richard manipulates the remote} Scene 2 - Total Honesty {Lights up on the TV section of the stage, revealing a living-room type set, centering around love-seat or couch. Onstage are a man and a woman, Dirk and Darlene. They are in an embrace.} Dirk : Oh Darlene... I love you so much... I only wish I wasn't just using you as a way to prove to myself that I'm still sexy and alluring, even though my wife won't sleep with me! Darlene : Oh I know Dirk... that doesn't stop me from telling myself I love you when all I really love is the sense of adventure you inject into my life! Did I mention I was sleeping with the pool boy? Dirk : No... but he did. Darlene : When were you talking to him? Dirk : When I was over here sleeping with your sister, of course, you silly thing you! Darlene : Oh yes, I'd forgotten about that. She said that you were quite good in bed, and I had to agree. She mentioned you liked to tie her up... how come you never tried that with me? Dirk : Well, because I find her more exciting than I find you. I think of ours as a stable, warm relationship. But you don't have the fire, the thrill of danger that she does. Darlene : But of course. How silly of me. {They laugh a pleasant, innocent, melodious laugh.} R : This is making me sick. L : I agree. This show sucks. Turn the channel. {Richard manipulates the remote. Lights down for scene change in TV area.} Scene 3 - Telethon for the Normal {Set is your typical telethon setup. A table with phones on it and some earnest looking volunteers answering them, with Host in front of it on lights up. Host is a well-dressed man of the telegenic type. Volunteers are strongly encouraged to do things into the phones other than merely take donations, such a bark, complain, sing, whatever, But nothing naturally which would entirely distract from the Host. } Host : ... are already pouring in. For those of you just joining us, allow me to explain what this telethon is all about. It is a sad fact that, even in this day and age, there are some people who, through no fault of their own, are completely and totally normal. Maybe they came from an unbroken home, or made too many normal choices in their life, or fell in with a normal crowd, these people have failed to develop the skewed sense of reality and the twisted personality flaws necessary to cope with the bizarre and disturbing world of today. They are, ladies and gentlemen, rounds pegs in an era with only dodecahedral holes. Think about the plight of thse poor people, ladies and gentleman and those-not-entirely-sure-on- the-question. Even therapists don't care about them. They have no federally-funded support groups, no affirmative action programs, no chance of ever being on Oprah. And while this condition is extremely rare, it is nonetheless a very sad one, as we are about to demonstrate. Huey, will you bring out Mr. Smith, please? {A punk rocker dressed in an orderly's uniform leads out Mr. Smith, who is a mild-looking man in conservative suit. } Host : Now I must warn you, ladies and gentlemen, that what you are about to witness is a display of some extremely normal behaviour. Those of you who heart conditions or who are recovering normals people yourselves may wish to leave the room and call your ex-boyfriend and hang up again. {Host turns to Mr. Smith, and smiles a reassuring smile.} Host : Hello there, Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith : Hello. How are you? {Host shakes his head briefly, sadly.} Host (with exaggerated care) : I am fine, Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith : You're not going to do anything weird, are you? Host : No Mr. Smith, I'm just going to ask you a few questions, and I want you to just respond to them however you see fit. Mr. Smith : Okey dokey. {Host reacts as though Mr. Smith has just said "Seig Heil!" but presses on.} Host : *ahem* Yes.. well... Mr. Smith, why don't you start out by telling us a little about yourself? Mr. Smith : Sure thing. I live with my wife, Mary, and our two sons, Tom and Harry, in a two-story house in the suburbs. It has a big front lawn with sprinklers in it, and a w... wh... w.. {Mr. Smith seems overcome with shame for a moment. } Host : Mr. Smith, are you all right? Do you need