Well well, got a letter from Rachel this morning! Not opened it yet. Let's think about this. So what do I want. I figured it was all over with Rachel and to be honest I think this letter is just confirmation. But what do I want - I know I really like Rachel and I'll be sad to see her go, but it's a hassle. So who wants an easy life? Hassle usually brings it's reward - and sheesh, I guess she's worth a little trouble. And what of Sadie. Darn, who knows, I've not seen her as a single man, but I certainly laid plans. God I love Sadie but if Rachel offered a chance, I'd take it I think. Damn how can I not condemn myself. Oh lord let's open it and then start to think things through. Opened it and read enough to suss it out "Bye for now" at the end. (Didn't have time, or nerve to read it all) went off to work and let it play on me.
Got home 11ish. I'm glad - I could have took a parting but I'm glad really that it wasn't - don't be so heavy steve. Don't make it hard. Gonna read it now - have gone to bed with hot milk and crisps so everything's perfect now!
Well I have a knack of ruining things for myself. Was swayed by the "Bye for now" thinking things were gonna continue - I kind of latched onto that and being let down - she thinks we should split up - was then a shock. Damn! It's just tore me down a little - tonight after seeing the letter I felt really confident and now I feel so crap again - yet I was prepared wasn't I? God she's so beautiful. I don't want this to happen. Shit Jesus Begorrah! I feel so fucked up again. Why can't things be more straight forward for me. It would have been hard with Rachel - no money yet really, difficult to use the car for long journeys. God I love her so much thats a bitch, a real fuckin bitch DAMN DAMN DAMN. Don't know whether to lay low or go wild I'm so scared of being alone - how long since I had a hug? I could die...........
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