Penguins© by Bob Beardon 1998
All Rights Reserved
Webpage by Jilli / Fated

PENQUINS

By:  Bob Beardon

AKA   Thon_

The Air Force called a special press conference today and reporters were startled at the revelations layed out for them by the military spokesman.

Colonel Smokeenblower: This press conference was called in order to give the Air Force's final answer on both the Roswell incident and the UFO phenomenon. This information was initially kept from the general public for fear of causing a widespread panic, such as when it was discovered that minute traces of animal tissue were in the Wendy's Vegetarian Meal.

However, the truth is, UFO sightings are caused by ... migrating penguins.

Sun Times Moon (STM)reporter: Penguins!   You mean as in the birds?

Colonel: That is correct.

Associated Wired Press(AWP): Colonel, aren't penguins found at the South Pole?

Colonel: Well, that's where they are most commonly found. And I am commonly found in my office, but that is not to say that I don't go other places.

STM reporter: But penguins don't fly!

Colonel: Excuse, me,sir. Are you a zoologist?

STM reporter: No, sir. I' m a reporter.

Colonel: Then perhaps you should stick to reporting and not trespass into other fields.

STM reporter: But, I've seen penguins on National Geographic specials. And they don't fly. They don't do much of anything.

Colonel: Are you saying that National Geographic, with their pitiful grant funding, can compete with the unlimited taxpayer funding of the military? How many $1500 hammers could they afford to buy?

Newsweek reporter: Colonel, has the Air Force actually got evidence of these flying penguins?

Colonel: Of course we have evidence! We're not like those sod- busters at Roswell who let all their evidence disappear.

A major steps up and places a large photograph upon the easal beside the speakers stand. On it is a penguin sailing through the air, a look of stark terror on it's face.

Colonel: This shot was taken by an F-15 nose-camera over Seattle, Washington, during the recent rash of UFO reports from that area. Experts, real zoologists, not reporters, have identified this as tuxedoious penguinous, commonly referred to by laymen such as yourselves as a penguin.

STM reporter: Colonel, that penguin looks like it has been thrown through the air! His wings are at his sides and his eyes look like they're going to bug put of his head!

Colonel (referring to his notes): This particular penguin had just came out of a power dive, hench the wings in the dive-mode postion. The look on its face is probably the result of the knowledge that the F-15 was,pardon my language, locked-on-his-ass!

AWP reporter: At what altitude was this shot supposedly taken?

Colonel: Sorry, that information must remain classified until we assertain the full capabilities of these intruders.

STM reporter: What capabilities? My God, colonel, they have stubby wings that couldn't lift them off the ground if they had a running start!

Colonel: Stubby wings? What do you know of the aerodynamic capabilities of stubby-winged craft? Have you ever looked at the space shuttle? First you try to pass yourself off as a zoologist, now you're an aerodynamic engineer! Besides, we also have radar confirmation.

Newsweek: Penguins on radar? Colonel, where did this radar sighting occur?

Colonel (Referes to notes): Over Denver, at an extreme altitude. There were seven of the buggers in a v-formation, performing incredible manuveurs.

Newsweek: And you're sure it was penguins?

Colonel: Mister, all you have to do is look at the little round bandits! With that shape, they have "radar blip" written all over them!

Amalgamated Press(AP): But what of sightings of brightly lit objects at night? Surely you don't want us to accept that penguins have running lights?

Colonel: Of course not!What ridiculus ideas some of you people have.(Laughs) All you have to do is observe the bright white underbelly of these creatures. What more natural reflective surface could you ask? The reports of lighted UFOs at night are merely ground lights reflected off their underbelly. And by the way, this would also explain the reports of UFOs with lights going on and off. The penguins are merely performing roll-overs; the lights not reflecting off their black backs.

AWP: But,colonel, what of reports by astronauts of UFO sightings in space? Surely, even the Air Force doesn't believe that penguins can live in airless space?

Colonel: Well, I'm not an expert on outer space, but then neither are you. But I will say this. I'm sure some of you have seen films of these creatures swimming where they rise up out of the water at times.

Newsweek: Sir, are you saying they rise out of the atmosphere into orbit?

Colonel: Not into orbit! Don't be absurd. I 'm just saying maybe a quick rise above the atmosphere, you know, taking a look about, checking out the shuttle. Then back into the air. I mean, they've demonstrated these abitlities in water. And we know they don't breath water. They hold their breath.So, holding their breath outside the atmopsphere would seem well within the capabilities they've demonstrated so far.

ATM: Colonel, even if the penguin theory is correct,(trying not to laugh) what do you propose to do about it.

Colonel: First, it is not a theory. This is a fact that we have decided the time was right for us to reveal. Second, if they continue to violate our air-space, at some point we will be forced to order our pilots to, you know, bring-'em-down.

ATM: Shoot down penguins? With F-15s?

Colonel: I assure you, the F-15 is more than capable of bringing down one of these penguin intruders. Once it has a radar lock, all the fancy manuveuring and steep dives the little two-toned boogies try will not get them back to Anartica.

AP: But,colonel, what of reports of people being abducted by aliens, and encountering them on the ground?

Colonel: Well, we are still open on that. But we are assured by some of the finest minds in the country that it is possible for a small flight of them to easily carry off one hysterical fisherman. Now, if you had been abducted by penguins, and subjected to Lord-only-knows what kind of experiments, would you tell it that way? Of course not. So, you fall back on the old story of aliens. I mean, come on, this is the dawn of the new century. Haven't we got beyond believing in little green men?

STM: But we are to accept abduction by penguins?

Colonel: Fellow, we can prove penguins exist. Some of you have admitted seeing National Geographic films about them! When have you seen a National Geographic Special on the cliff-diving aliens of Guadalope? Little green men of the Sarengetti? I mean, if they were there, don't you think National Geographic would have done at least one special, just for the funding?

Newsweek: Colonel, I had thought that this press conference was supposed to be your latest explanation on the Roswell crash?

Colonel: It is. That is what I was leading up to. What crashed at Roswell was a weather balloon.Well, a balloon with a radar target hanging from it. Well, actually a Project Mogaul ballon. But it was the result of an attack by penguins! It can now be revealed that the ballon was brought down by an unprovoked attack by a flight of these insidious creatures, for reason known only to them.

AWP: But the alien bodies?

Colonel: (snorts) That is were justice played a hand. It appears that three of the little assassins got tangled in the ballon rigging and were dragged to earth with it. It was these penguins that were mis-identified as aliens (Looking at his watch).

Sorry, but that is all we have to say at this time. I hope this clears up this matter. Rest assured that your Air Force is on top of the situation.

This reporter can not confirm reports that the members of the other branches of the military have been tucking their hands in their armpits, walking with their feet turned outward, and going, "Whack, whack, whack" whenever they pass Air Force personel in the halls of the Pentigon. However, this may have only been the antics of junior officers, as it was announced that the Navy was sending both the 6th and 7th fleets to patrol stations off Antartica, in what the Navy calls, "A show of force."