I was seduced by your whispers
beckoning me to come
To you, to join you in
Your dance. You called me
Sweet names and offered flowers
at my feet. How was I know
that the face you wore was
not your own, but a mask
with Judas's puckering
lips underneath?

I've been kiss that like that. Several times. Too often for my standards. By those I foresaw would do so, it didn't matter. Not much, anyway. But by those I least expected it from, it hurt. It hurt a lot. I'm still smarting, actually.

I wonder, really, how Christ felt when Judas gave him that traitor's kiss. I wonder if His spine shivered or if His body hair stood up. But then Christ already knew the man betrayed Him. That must have lessened the blow somehow. It does for me - anticipating the act - although I realize that it doesn't take away the pain.

But Jesus forgave Judas. Easily and perhaps, even automatically. Well, He is the Son of God, after all. I guess I can forgive those whom I knew I did not have the loyalty of and say to myself, "I really expected this to happen. He/She was never really on my side anyway."

But what of those I thought were on my side? How do I forgive them? Think that I was wrong to believe they were really on my side? Should I know believe that they really weren't and that it was just wishful thinking on my part that they were? Well, it doesn't work. I've tried it already. Thinking that way, that is. The pain doesn't go away and it's going to take some time before it'll lessen. I know I should forgive and I suppose I already have. I've grown up and holding grudges has long been not my style. It won't do me any good, anyway. But I cannot deny that I would have difficulty trusting them again as much as I used to.

It's hard for me to know now if they (the ones I didn't expect to betray my trust) speak and act towards me in truth or pretense. Besides, they can be sincere in front of me and then change their minds when they are not. Am I being paranoid? Maybe. I do have to put some defenses. At least while I'm still wounded I have to be on guard lest more harm befalls upon me.

If I have to choose between the two kinds of "Judases" to live with for the rest of my life, I'd rather have the one whom I expect the worst from. Being backstabbed by a "friend" is something I can (and would like to) live without.