A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... -- Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
-- Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire... -- Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it. -- Steven Wright
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back
you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. -- Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
-- Steven Wright
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.
The clerk said, "ten-four."
-- Steven Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
-- Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row." -- Steven Wright
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." -- Steven Wright
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
-- Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator. -- Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
-- Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping. -- Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
-- Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
-- Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. -- Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord. -- Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why haven't you
called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five
on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my
calendar has no sevens on it." -- Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright
Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think so...he's only
2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." -- Steven Wright
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this
<<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store---"Gimme another ten guppies, I
got a lotta calls yesterday." -- Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. -- Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious! -- Steven Wright
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." -- Steven Wright
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put
it in EXACTLY the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I
know you?" -- Steven Wright
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real." -- Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs. -- Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. -- Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes. -- Steven Wright
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes. -- Steven Wright
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick. -- Steven Wright
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
-- Steven Wright
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had
to buy them again. -- Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them. -- Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right
here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" -- Steven Wright
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. -- Steven Wright
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so
I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...(slow glance upward)
-- Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
-- Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving. -- Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window. -- Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car
goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*. -- Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. -- Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
-- Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
-- Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the
place. -- Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out." -- Steven Wright
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half
mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
remember what it was. -- Steven Wright
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired. -- Steven Wright
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it." -- Steven Wright
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long..." -- Steven Wright
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
-- Steven Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go." -- Steven Wright
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?" -- Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
was missing. -- Steven Wright
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." -- Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. -- Steven Wright
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. -- Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them. -- Steven Wright
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." -- Steven Wright
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
-- Steven Wright
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank." -- Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish. -- Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot. -- Steven Wright
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come
here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and
keeps typing. -- Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. -- Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody! -- Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...(picks up his glass
of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge... -- Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
-- Steven Wright
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window. -- Steven Wright
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wright
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by. -- Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy
train schedules?" -- Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an
only child...eventually. -- Steven Wright
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot
nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple
wooden horse. -- Steven Wright
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I
went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance
between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
-- Steven Wright
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors
small enough to fit it. -- Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was
eight years old. -- Steven Wright
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
-- Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put
the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him
he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. -- Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it pisses me
off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You
haven't worked a day in your life!" -- Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask
him what he meant. -- Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm
like that all the time. -- Steven Wright
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that
you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?
That's how I feel all the time. -- Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before. -- Steven Wright
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
-- Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I
was doing. -- Steven Wright
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. -- Steven Wright
Four years ago...no, it was yesterday. -- Steven Wright
Today I...No, that wasn't me. -- Steven Wright
Sometimes I...No, I don't. -- Steven Wright
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at
the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little
kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See,
that's how it's done." -- Steven Wright
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious
because I brought a beach towel. -- Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
-- Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-- Steven Wright
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...Well, to
make a long story short... -- Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. -- Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. -- Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. -- Steven Wright
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? -- Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. -- Steven Wright
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
-- Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. -- Steven Wright
I like to skate on the other side of the ice. -- Steven Wright
I lost a button hole today. -- Steven Wright
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
-- Steven Wright
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. -- Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
-- Steven Wright
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it. -- Steven Wright
I took a baby shower. -- Steven Wright
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. -- Steven Wright
I was skydiving horizontally. -- Steven Wright
I washed mud, off of mud. -- Steven Wright
I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice) -- Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? -- Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? -- Steven Wright
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ... -- Steven Wright
"So, do you live around here often?" -- Steven Wright
Women...can't live with 'em...can't shoot 'em. -- Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments. -- Steven Wright
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous
blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and
then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and
he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I
can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good
to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my
analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my
name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
-- Steven Wright
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I pushed "1"
and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix."
So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds
blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know,
you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and
drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get
it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven
Wright?"...I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student
loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments,
and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said,
"Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my
friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it
if you never called me again." -- Steven Wright
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in
front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. -- Steven Wright
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!
-- Steven Wright
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
-- Steven Wright
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm
in a submarine that's been hit. -- Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
-- Steven Wright
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys
in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a
child. -- Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it. -- Steven Wright
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got
some flip-up contact lenses. -- Steven Wright
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good.
He could go under a rug. -- Steven Wright
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".
I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do? -- Steven Wright
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of milkmen.
-- Steven Wright
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money?
He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
-- Steven Wright
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll
just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
-- Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car. -- Steven Wright
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got
poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was
to think about sandpaper. -- Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll
Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
-- Steven Wright
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.
I said, "the whole time." -- Steven Wright
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused. -- Steven Wright
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything
had two shadows. -- Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that." -- Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven Wright
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I
think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear
him talk. -- Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet,
what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
-- Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign
below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the
boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
-- Steven Wright
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite
picture. -- Steven Wright
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in
the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
-- Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over
what I considered to be an odd number. -- Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1
mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the
world. I hardly ever unroll it. -- Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped
out a quarter? -- Steven Wright
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
-- Steven Wright
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got
bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
-- Steven Wright
This is my impression of a bowling ball...(drags the mike along the floor, then
lifts it)...gutter... -- Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored
a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another
one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was
better. -- Steven Wright
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The
whole time I had the money on me---he didn't know it. Walking through New York
City, 2:30 in the morning, we got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I
said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The
the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to
George. At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
-- Steven Wright
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
-- Steven Wright
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geocities.com/soho)