The students sat in the elegant waiting room and waited for the nurse to call their names. In one corner, Paige was doting on baby Rachel, talking baby talk to her and keeping her distracted as Rahne dug out a diaper. In another corner, Angelo was absent-mindedly reading a book, turning his body away from the group. Jono had situated himself so that he was looking out the window. Monet was sitting in the exact center of the room, reading a thesis on Emily Dickinson's work, while Ev sat next to her and thumbed through a magazine. Celeste was up and pacing while her sister talked with Doctor Samson.
After finding a diaper, Rahne turned to Celeste and asked, "Ye want tae help me with this?" She still had to balance the actual diaper changing in a bathroom that was never meant to be used for diaper changing.
The woman looked up from biting her thumb and looked at her friend. "I'm not good with babies."
Keeping her distracted, Rahne placed Rachel in Celeste's arms. "She just likes tae be held by different people." Even at her young age, Rachel was trying to reach out mentally and establish telepathic contact. They walked into the bathroom.
Looking down at Rachel, Celeste got misty for a second. "She's a sweet baby."
With a maternal gleam, Rahne agreed. "Aye, but she can be strong willed." She laid down a changing cloth and took Rachel from her friend. Quickly, she pulled off the diaper, cleaned the baby, and covered her again.
A haunted expression crossed Celeste's face as she stroked Rachel's face. "She's lucky to be with you and Sam. Good parents who won't use her or mistreat her, and love her." At that odd statement, Rahne turned to the woman. A suspicion that had been planted in her heart started to grow, and Rahne did the only thing she could do. She hugged Celeste.
***
"Look, what do you want to hear? I drink and I'm tired of it." Ariel turned to the Doctor. "At least, that's what Celeste wants to hear and it's true."
Taking notes, Dr. Samson asked calmly, "Do you always say what Celeste wants to hear?"
"I was the good one. I had to be." Ariel sat down and started to think out loud. "Celeste was the pretty one and Stella, what little I can remember of her, was the sick one. Celeste and I were extra children to Mom and Celeste was sent out to Hollywood to get her out of the way. I had to be good because she was bad, smart because she wasn't. I mean, she was, but not to Mom. And then, after her death, Celeste tried to bridge that gap between us...."
"A gap because you didn't see each other?"
"Something like that. She was hurting so much after Mom and Dad died, and I was the important one for a change. Her career made her the important one to them before and then it was more important to her again."
"Why did you start to drink?" Dr. Samson dropped his pen as he waited for her to answer.
"Because.... because Matt wanted to hurt Celeste for breaking up with him and I wanted her to be hurt for not being there for me like she should have been. Because it was fun, because it was there. Because I couldn't stop. Because I wanted to. And all of a sudden, Jubilee was dead and all I could think about was how much I hurt, how much I lost, and how much I didn't want to feel anything. So I started drinking more than before. A lot more." Emma Frost had telepathically sorted out the young girl's feelings to make getting help for her easier.
***
It had been simple for a person of Samson's connections to get Ariel into a safe and legitimate treatment center, and after Celeste had left with her sister, Ev walked into the room. After the preliminary testing, Doctor Samson started to steer the conversation towards Ev's past.
"I was in foster care for several years after my father left my mother and she killed herself. I tried to fit in wherever and be whoever the foster family wanted me to be. And then Mom and Dad took me in. They only take in those kids who won't be adopted. They adopted me."
Watching the doctor make notes, Ev asked, "What does that mean?"
"Just interesting. You possess the ability to allow yourself to be the same as those around you. As a child, you did the same thing. Think they are connected?"
"Maybe.... as much as a mutant power can be connected to a personality. I mean, Rahne's such a shy person and she turns into a wolf. Or Mr. Cassidy can... could scream and he was so soft-spoken. And Jubilee. . ." A soft sob escaped.
"Tell me about Jubilee."
Ev got up and started pacing. "She was spunky and so full of life, a human firecracker."
"What was your relationship with her?"
"We were friends... she bugged me like crazy, told me that I was anal and I needed to be livened up. And then we would talk and .... I loved her, you know. I never got to tell her that, but I did." He paused, as if he was surprised to hear those words escape his mouth.
"I see here that you're a Christian. How do you feel about her death because of that?" The doctor prodded, trying to help his patient to come to grip with his emotions.
"She was in church, but she was only there because Ariel and Paige and I were there. It was fun and games to her, but I Believe. And now, I believe that I'll never see her again and I wonder if I could have been a better witness -- we are always told to tell others because they could die and if they don't believe in Jesus, then they won't be in heaven and she didn't and she won't and I can't ever see her again and that hurts!" Pausing for breath, he looked around the room. "I can't believe I said that. I should be going on about other things, not how I failed..."
"You feel like you fail often?"
"Sometimes. I mean, I'm in school with Paige and Monet. I'm good in school, but I'm not driven like Paige or perfect like Monet, but I work hard and do good." Ev paused and ran his hand along his head, feeling the stubble of hair starting to grow. "But I failed Jubilee and I'm mad. . . mad that God would let her die without letting her live. Mad at the Marauders for killing her. . . angry at how it was done. . . mad at God because He let it happen. . . mad at myself that I didn't stop her. . ." Suddenly, he looked up. "Is that okay?"
"It's perfectly normal to be that mad. It's healthy."
Ev nodded, accepting the permission. "I hurt at times..." Tears started to trail down his face. "Hurt and I want to cry, but I can't. Can't let myself get that mad, can't let myself really believe that she won't come back. . . . . ." He started sobbing.
***
"Sam, he said I needed to come today. I really don't think so." Paige looked at Doctor Samson. "I'm dealing pretty good with everything."
"Do you think so?"
"After Daddy's death, I don't think anything could hurt me as much." Paige swallowed and could almost hear the persistent "pchslump" of the machine that breathed for her father. "They died quick and easy."
"And your father didn't?"
"He died in stages." A tear trickled down as Paige tried to explain. "He started working in the mines at fourteen, because his family needed the money. After Momma got pregnant with Sam, he had to leave school and work double shifts in the mines. When I was eight, he was diagnosed with black lung. At first, he was weak and couldn't breathe. Then, he needed to sleep a lot. Next, he had to use a machine. Then, he had to use it all the time." Her chin started to tremble. "He 'lived' like that from January to March, and then he died... so forgive me if I think the quick deaths that Penny, Jubilee and Mr. Cassidy had were better."
"I'm not judging you."
"And Sam thinks I'm throwing myself into my work to hide from my feelings. I just don't feel things like he does." Paige looked at the doctor. "Do you think I should?"
"Everybody is entitled to their feelings as they are, not as others might see them."
"Don't get me wrong, Sam's a great brother and all, but I just work hard because that's what I want to do. Sure, part of it was to show him up, but also... I wanted to stand out and I was the smart one in my family. Daddy even called me that."
"He did?"
"Sam was the responsible one, Li'l Bit the musical one. Even if she wasn't my parents' biological daughter, she was my emotional sister, so I have to include her. I was the smart one, Joelle the compassionate one, Lizzy the funny one. Josh was the singer, Oliver the painter. Annie and Arthur were the twins, spunky and silly."
"How did that make you feel, being known as the smart one?"
"Good-- pressured. I still wonder if Mr. Cassidy and Jubilee had known more, then they might have lived."
"That's an interesting association."
Paige thought about it. "What do you mean?"
"That if they had known more then they might still be alive."
"Daddy was more heart smart than book smart. It wasn't until a few months ago that Jubilee could really do good in school."
"Again, interesting."
Running that statement around in her mind, Paige tried to see the connection. "That I thought about Mr. Cassidy as a father-figure? I miss having a Daddy. Even Jono looks like Daddy." Then, she started to run that statement through her mind. "Jono was hopeless, but I went after him. He's not even my type." The words spilled out without her noticing them, but she nodded her agreement to them.
"Then why?"
"Now, because I feel guilty. If I had known better, than I would have done better and he wouldn't be like he is. But at first, I was trying to help him."
"You seem to think that you are worthwhile if you know enough things?"
"Leaders want to know as much as possible."
"Why do you want to lead?" Paige blinked at the simplistic, yet incredibly complicated question.
"Leaders have a say in things. They can help insure that their friends don't die. I mean, at one time, I wanted to lead because Sam was the leader of the New Mutants. Now I don't want to lose any more friends." Dr. Samson started to make notes. "You know what they say, 'After the first death, there is no more'? I think that's the case with me. I know how to grieve, to let myself heal, and I'm allowing myself to heal." Doc Samson looked at the clock on the wall. They still had thirteen minutes left in their session, but Paige didn't really need his help with the events of almost a week ago. Then again, Paige was a mutant. There had to be angst in her somewhere.
"Then please, humor me. Ms. Frost is paying me for a full hour's work." Paige nodded. "How do you feel about your brother being immortal?"
Paige wiggled in her chair and sighed. "I feel sorry for him. He's going to fall in love, live his life with Rah-- I mean some woman, and then she's going to die and leave him alone. I pray that he can still love in a thousand years. It's a curse I don't want."
"You used to see your brother as a rival, did you not?"
"I did and I do. Since last week, I don't know... something's changed between us. I've talked a lot of this out with Celeste- our Madre. I'm going to know my brother as a person, or at least try." Paige sat back in the chair and sighed again. "Not exactly earning your money, are you?"
The voice had a bit of humor as the Doctor answered. "Maybe not. So your friend Li'l Bit-- is she the same as the singer Li'l Bit?"
"Yes. I was so shocked when I first heard her voice on the radio. She's good!" Paige beamed with familial pride.
"Did you see that she was recovering from anorexia?"
That shocked Paige. "Why won't she eat?"
"I can't really venture a guess without talking to her, but there is a school of thought that some cases of anorexia are caused by being molested as a child."
"Do you think that?"
"My wife read an interview from 'The Intruder' which talked about a family friend, Teddy Belfour."
At that name, Paige shot straight up. "You don't talk about Uncle Teddy!"
"Why not?"
"Momma said he was a bad man that touched Li'l Bit in a bad place," Paige whispered. "Sam and I can never talk about Uncle Teddy, even though he baby-sat us all the time when we were little."
"Paige, time's up. Do you want to continue this next week?"
Paige turned her mind away from the past and nodded.
***
"Look, Jubilee and Mr. Cassidy are dead. That's why we're here. Nothing you can say or do can change that." Angelo lit a cigarette.
"It was deemed important that you talk about it."
"Why?"
"Maybe because people are concerned that you aren't handling it properly."
Taking a puff of the cigarette, Angelo spat out. "How nice to be rich!"
"What does money have to do with grief?"
"Everything. Money lets you wallow in your pain, hugging an inner child that doesn't really exist. No money means you live and accept things as they happen."
"What things do you have to accept?"
Angelo stood silent for a moment and then answered in a grim voice, "Death. I'm tired of seeing all my friends die. But, back in the barrio, it was good for them to die."
"Good how?"
"Good that they don't live there anymore, that they had a chance to leave and actually be safe."
"Death is safety?"
"Death is." After a moment, Angelo continued, "I've lost so many people, I don't feel anything anymore."
"Do you want to?"
"Honestly, Doc, no." His numbness was his protective shield.
"When did you stop feeling?"
"I had two kids and a lot of enemies, so I left. I figured I could keep the girls safe if I ran away. They were just babies..."
"And what happened?"
"Someone firebombed the house that they were in. My girls ... I read in the paper that they were dead." Angelo said that in the same tone that he might mention that it was raining. "At that moment, I realized I was dead inside. I couldn't cry or grieve for them. So forgive me if I can't grieve for Jubilee, Penny, and Mr. Cassidy."
"How many others have you known who died?"
"Too many. Mariposa, Brian, Kelly, Pam, Rafael, Miguel, Alexander, Will, Paco, Joey, Lori, Marisa, Maria, John. So many that if I thought about them, I couldn't blink."
"Do you have any friends who lived?"
A shadow danced across his face. "They don't talk to me, those that know I'm alive. Those that don't, I don't know."
"Do you think you can love?"
"Maybe. Someday."
"Trust?"
"Never."
"Care?"
"Never again." Angelo looked longingly out the window. "Can I go?"
***
^Click^
^Click^
^Click^
Doc Samson's pen hit his notebook as he watched Monet sit in her chair. She had been catatonic for the past forty-nine minutes. "You may go."
Instantly, Monet stood up and ran from the room.
***
Jono stood at the window of Samson's office, staring out over the cityscape beneath. For the past ten minutes, Samson had been breaking through the Englishman's emotional hotspots. Even at such an early stage in the session, Samson knew that Jono had more than enough psychological problems to last him a year's worth of counseling. The problem the good doctor faced was where to start.
He could start with Jono's suicide attempts, and why he gave up on life.
He could start with Jono's family, whom he'd written off completely.
He could start with Gayle, who hated Jono enough to attempt murder.
He could start with Penance, whose death Jono had accidently caused.
He could start with Paige, whose compassion and sympathy Jono sought.
He could start with Jono's mutation, which left him clinically dead. Samson pondered this pathway for a moment longer. By all indications, Jono's problems were tied to his mutation, but there was something about the connection that bothered the doctor. Something that tickled the back of his mind for a moment. Latching onto the tail-end of that thought, Samson prodded on with his questioning.
"What bothers you the most about being a mutant?"
Jono 'blinked' in surprise. As much as anyone with no physical eyes could, at any rate. Jono looked down at his body, which was composed of sombre green energy, similar to that of a wilting plant. "You have to ask?"
"Humor me, please." Samson said, writing down a few notes.
"Lacking a body, for starters."
"What do you miss the most about your body?"
Jono didn't even have to think about that one. "My voice."
"What was so important about your voice?"
At this, Jono did pause, but only for a moment. "I'm not being arrogant here, mind, but me voice... it was wonderful. Whether it was in the church choir or in a school play or later with my band, it was amazing. It was the only thing that ever got my parents' attention, my singing was. The only thing I was ever good at."
"So by losing your voice, you felt that you'd also lost your parents' affection?" --Finally--, Samson thought, --I'm finally getting through.--
Jono's green energy flashed deep red for a moment wioth anger, and it was gone again, replaced with the sad green hue once more. "I don't want to talk about it."
Silently, Samson cursed, but chalked it up as a minor setback and went back to work on Jono's mental problems. "How do you get attention now?"
"I don't. I like it better that way."
"You don't feel that you deserve attention?"
"Of course not. I'm a monstrous freak who can't even answer a bloody phone. I'm no good to anyone."
"The same could be said about Angelo, or Penance."
"Angelo can still pass for human. I used to be able to claim I was burn victim, but not even that line works anymore. And Penance... Penance was different."
"Different how?"
Jono thought deeply for a moment. Penny was special in a way that he had only begun to understand. "She was so much like me, but still so different, too. I can't explain it."
"In what ways was she like you? In what ways was she different?"
"It... She... we were alike because neither of us were normal by any stretch of the word. She was deaf, I couldn't speak. I'd even started learning sign language with her, so she could talk to the others like she 'spoke' to me."
"She spoke to you?"
"Not really. She spoke through emotions... feelings. Not words. I miss those feelings." Jono's green energy faded another notch. "And I have no one else to blame for losing her than myself. Me and my damned mutation." Jono glared at Samson, looking him straight in the eye for the first time. "I don't want to say anything more about."
Samson glanced at his watch. "Perhaps you'd like to talk about it more in another session? Our time today is up anyway." Jono gave the doctor another long look, then left the room.
"I'll be there." Jono sent telepathically as he walked down the hall.