Hear ye, hear ye, as Trafton said, this e-mail must be written first and foremost by me, because somehow I have the savoir faire at this point to convey things as they should be to the TSI.

A plethora of statements will be made, of various relevance and importance. As with "Pulling A Train," it is up to you, the reader, to decide what really happened; for I can tell you that Monty, Trafton and I have completely different ideas of this to begin with.

First, let's say this: I think we were all ripped as well as RIPped for the entire trip. It is impossible to speak of what happened in a coherent story of all of us hanging out in Malaga, so I think I will do it talking about what happened to each of us individually from my point of view, OK?

==
Jen:

Jen as many of you may know, was going through some difficult times prior to the Malaga trip. Her whole situation with [insert boyfriend's name] is pretty sketchy at this point, and she was just not in the right mood for a crazy trip to Spain.

Quote from Jen on the first morning, "I can tell this trip is going to be horrible." I think her attitude changed pretty quickly, about 540 degrees. We made her do a 360 and after that she was ready to take the 180 degree turn on her own. Which is exactly what she needed to do.

By the end of the first night, I had Jen swing dancing at 4:30 AM while doing shots of tequila. By the end of the second night, we had her screaming 80's tunes at 5 AM. By the third day, she was hanging out with these three girls on her own shopping and having a great time. By the fourth night, she was the life of the party, with ten guys shouting, "JEN" as soon as she walked into a bar. At 6:30 AM (four hours before our flight is to leave Malaga), she insisted that the cab driver take her back to the bar. We love Jen as always, but new props now go out to her. I think she would now eat her words of the first morning.

==
Monty Wellington:

Wow, does Monty ever have a scene in Malaga. Beautiful city. Porch outside his room with view of the Mediterranean. Beautful women. Great bars. Great group of guys. Pure brilliance. Even more respect for Dickinson than I had before. The great thing was that Caleb, Jen and I were part of the scene immediately. And I thank Monty for that 'cause it was fucking great.

We arrive to witness Monty in this great scene. He takes us to a jazz club (with actual jazz music, unlike the Harlem Jazz Club of Barcelona fame) and some of his beautiful women show up. He warns us that this one beautiful blonde girl is a cocktease, and also tells us that he has absolutely no game in Malaga for some reason.

By the end of the night, Monty hooks up with the hot blonde cocktease, she asks him if he's gonna take her shirt off, and he says, "actually I was thinking about taking your pants off," and did. By the end of the trip, Monty had "tremendous game."

==
Interlude:

I just remembered when I was at Hamilton visiting Boogs and I was in a bar playing billiards against some girl. I should have obviously beat this girl, but somehow she put the eight ball in before I did, so as I saw the eight ball going in, I nonchalantly reached on the table, grabbed the cue ball, and put it in the pocket, and she said "I won," and I said, "No, you scratched, I win."

The point of this is that Trafton and I decided that our purpose of the trip to Malaga was for he and I to help Monty and Jen, and to not really worry about ourselves. We think we succeeded. But you can decide as you continue...

==
Caleb Trafton:

So as Monty tells us about the blonde cocktease (BCT)as well as the one girl that he had actually hooked up with in Spain, Trevor is taking notes. Good notes. As soon as BCT (by the way, if you haven't noticed, I'm using no names of people in this whole thing) walks in, I take one look at her and say to myself "that looks like Ashley Haines," and of course Trevor is right on top of it.

He starts working his mojo, and looks like he is money...until unexplicably, she gets up and goes and sits in a corner with Monty. OK, refer to the notes....plan B...girl Monty already hooked up with. Not hot, but nice breasts and a fake Spanish name. Well, real Spanish name with a fake Spanish pronunciation. Anyway, Trafton hits on this girl all night, but somehow restrains himself. I was proud of him.

Thanksgiving day arrives. We meet a new girl with another fake spanish pronounced name, and she mysteriously comes up to up to Trafton and I and is *way* too friendly and introduces herself. Monty then tells us that this girl wants his latin dick. Again, open up the notebook.

So that night, Trafts works his formidable magic and hooks up with FSP(fake spanish pronouncer) #2, while thinking and talking about one Mary Carney the whole night, as she is to arrive the next day from Sevilla. FSP #2 says to him after hooking up, "If you're gonna hook up with Karen tomorrow, tell me, because I demand respect." Whatever.

Mary shows up, and Trafton immediately reverts to Don Ryan de Trafton from Caleb Trafton (who doesn't care and has tremendous ability to avoid pain), and is with Mary all night, though not as pathetically as when he was not even Don Ryan de Trafton yet, but Trevor Emmitt (this is another false name), and is money and Jen and Monty and I are worried. But, after awhile, Caleb and Mary walk off on their own into the distance into an uncertain future.

So when I wake up the next morning, Caleb is not in the bed next to me, but in the hostel next door and you can guess what happened.

The next night, he reverts again from Don Ryan de Trafton into old Trevor Emmitt (whoever that is?), and fails to repeat his trick from the night before, managing to return to his rightful place in the hotel after hours of whatever with Mary in the street, further exacerbating his RIP and empowering him to write another book.

==
John Traftonson:

Suddenly I find it easier to write about other people, usually I'm writing to you people telling you about my RIP, but I honestly don't think it flared up too bad on this trip. Well, I should at least speak about BCT and FSP #2 and short hair and uvic and how they pertain to me, oh yeah, and notjustjess.

So the first night in the jazz club I see BCT and am only minimally impressed. But she has a friend, let's call her...bliz...and I start hitting on bliz telling ridiculous stories about Turkey and Canada and I think I'm pretty money and then BCT starts RIPping into me, slowly, first by saying that Johnson is her favorite name and she wants to name her son that and then by just playing her cocktease games, but then she's in a corner with Monty so I don't think much of it.

Walk to another bar. I tell BCT that she looks just like Ashley Haines, but sexier. She thoroughly enjoys this compliment and we walk arm in arm to the next bar while she tells me she wants to marry me and name our son Johnson Crossley Trafton Jr. Never wanted to do that until then. Later I am wasted and I say ridiculous things to her and she asks me what I meant when I said that she was sexy, and I said "It's hard to explain, but I can tell just by looking at you that you'd be great in bed." She then tells me she's a virgin. Later we're walking back to my hotel with the whole group of people holding hands and she says, "Only boyfriend and girlfriend hold hands like this, but I like holding your hand." OK, so then I went to sleep and she went to hook up with Monty.

Noche numero dos is when Malaga really happened to me. I met #1 and #3 and started hanging out with FSP #2 who took an immediate liking to me, made me talk Viper and Marisa for an hour, but then disappeared under Caleb's spell.

Also met a Spanish bartender named Francisco Jose Pena Sanchez. Great guy, had Whorehey and BCT helping him out behind the bar by making everybody free drinks. So after a few hours of our own private party with open bar at Francisco's place la Tortuga, we got in cabs. I got in a cab with Whorehay and a girl who said I don't know you yet and we met and I started hitting on her cause what else do you do in a cab?

So we're in this disco that plays only eighties music and I'm strutting my eighties stuff cause I'm an 80's guy, and this girl wants me and whatever. Monty tells me not to hook up with her...let's call her notjustjess (NJJ) because she is exactly the opposite of justjess in every fucking way y es la verdad.

So at 5 AM, Monty begs me to leave, but I figure, I'm having a great old 80's time dancing with this whore, so I'll stay and Whorehay can bring me home. So after another half hour of 80's music, I leave with NJJ, Whorehay and Francisco the bartender to wander about Malaga. We find a hotdog vendor and order a couple of dogs and what do you know, out of nowhere I start speaking spanish. Francisco and I are shooting the shit, me talking fluently, and he says (in Spanish), wait a second, how long have you been in Spain. I said two days, and he says,(in Spanish) It is not possible, you have been in Spain only two days and you speak PERFECT spanish. Es la verdad. That is true.

So after a few minutes of speaking French to a Spanish girl, who was dancing with a piece of cardboard and singing for me to sleep with her in a bad spanish-french accent ("Boulez-bous couchez abec moi the soir?"), I went back to the hotel with Whorehay (I didn't hook up with NJJ, thanks Monty for warning me) and tried to get into the room. But Trafton was passed out so I pounded on the door and instead of him, I woke up my aunt and uncle, and my uncle comes to the door and says "Johnson did you just get home?" And I look at my watch and see that it's 7 AM and I say "No, no, I got back ten minutes ago."

[Here is where I totally leave out a night.]

The last night I wondered what I could possibly do for an encore. I quickly realized though that it was gonna be one of those nights where I am REALLY money. Where there are tons of girls that want me and I am in complete control of every scene and every person...and of course, I don't hook up. Never on those nights. Why should I? I might as well spread the love around on nights like that 'cause everybody deserves it.

Scene: this girl short hair has a casa fiesta house party because her spanish family is loaded and well, there's a beirut table but no ping pong balls so we're playing with walnuts. After Monty and I win two games, I switch it over to wine corks, which was much better, and Monty and I win three more games until nobody will play us anymore. Monty and I reflect about how brilliant we are at table sports.

So I meet this girl uvic and she is supermodel gorgeous and I find out she's from Canada so I start working my Canada mojo and good thing she's from Vancouver, so I really start working it. And also she goes to college in Victoria so I know I'm gonna be money so I'm hitting on her profusely and groping her because she IS supermodel gorgeous. So I talk to her about my sketchy night in Victoria and told her I stayed at the Empress Hotel and and of course she was impressed and said she has always wanted to stay there, so I say, hey give me your phone number in Victoria and next time I'm there, I'll buy you a room at the Empress, and she says sure, but do I have a phone number?

Next I go up and talk to short hair who is also GORGEOUS but has REALLY short hair but for some reason I REALLY loved it on her, and she is also very tall which I was loving as well, so we talked and flirted and she gave me a few besos on the cheek and I gave her a few too, and I told her I'd see her later. Then started playing quarters with these two Spanish guys, agian with me speaking fluent Spanish since I do. Made those tigres drink muchos sangria.

Go to el centro de Malaga. Go to the other bar that my buddy Francisco works at and start dancing/swinging/grinding with BCT's twin sister even though there is no music. Then I start talking to Monty's buddy who's cute Spanish sister is along for the night and he says, "[cute Spanish sister] told me she thinks you're cute and it's not a problem that you don't speak Spanish, I think she likes that." So I buy her a rose and then two more roses for BCT's twin and bliz and they give me simultaneous kisses on the cheek. So, whoa, how am I money, let me count the ways.

We somehow get to another club. I start talking to FSP #2 cause she really wants me at this point, but then short hair shows up so it's byebye FSP #2. So I'm hitting on short hair and pretty monily at thatand wow it's fun and FSP #2 comes up to me and says, "You should hook up with [short hair], I just told her to hook up with you." OK, good, OK. So I leave this bar with short hair but then she ditches me somehow after about 8 kisses on the cheek for each of us.

So, finally, I run into NJJ. And this will be the end of the e-mail,she backed me up against a wall and the following dialogue occurred:

NJJ:So, you're a player, huh?
JT:Yeah, pretty much.
NJJ:Not as much as me.
JT:Is that so?
NJJ:We should really hook up.
JT:Yeah, that'd be great at some point.
NJJ:When?
JT:I don't know, some time, some place.
NJJ:Where?
JT:Maybe in Turkey, I'd hook up with you in Turkey.
NJJ:What about Amsterdam?
JT:In Amsterdam, I'd hook up with you if I were really baked.
NJJ:Only if you were really baked.
JT:Yup.
NJJ:Well, I really want to kiss you.
JT:Now?
NJJ:Maybe.
JT:OK.
NJJ:Well, let's go to Cosa Nostra.
JT:OK.

Well, like I said, it's up to you to decide what happened, because I sure as hell don't know.