My RIP is worse then ever at this point. I no longer have romantic illusion problems; I have romantic illusion ISSUES. RII's à R + 2I. It's a math thing. I have managed to outline the credentials for which I search in a woman. Wild ingenuousness, playful superciliousness, latent obsequiousness. I think I saw her the other (last?) night...again. When I first knew her, it was before the RIP was even conceived...before the days of Anne or the 27ClubGroup or...pretty much anything...except of course Marisa which is an entirely different story of which I should also speak...eventually. So she came...and saw...and kicked ass...and RIPped into me...apparently...before I could have possibly known it? Seeing her again was a surprisingly perfunctory revelation. At first I thought...no...no...never...the feelings are gone, it's been too long...but (not so) slowly something tweaked my emotion "somewhere between love and obsession" and told me to look closer...deeper...it's there...what? YES! It IS there? Who? SHE! Why? Ni idea...no idea...es possible? No es possible...es un escandolo...es verdad? Si, es la verdad. (Aside - Wow...sketchy only girl in the world that completely understands me and sees right through me at all times and doesn't fall for any of my game...ANY MORE...just read me AGAIN like a FUCKIN' BOOK as I'm writing this...she's GOOD!) OK OK...regroup...what now? Chill...hang...sit and talk...I am Oscar Davids...so talk and catch up? Like that means anything at all...what needs to be done is re-feeling...yes, yes a process of re-feeling, a renewed spiritual knowing. How can it really happen unless there really was an original spiritual UNDERSTANDING? (there) It MUST be true...and finally!?!?(Where to stop?)!?!? Don't want it. FALSE. Don't need it. FALSE. Actually, don't want it now, don't need it now...always? Talk, talk no SHUT UP. Touch. That's what I really want...and need...always à contact! She lies before me, barely within my reach. I can touch - which is good - but I cannot hold - which would be exponentially better. Her hair: long, not too long, wavy, not curly - like she says, but wavy (oh...so sexy!) - gold, brown, red, amber, blond, dirty à so many colors why try to explain? Can't. Her neck: the epitome of the 3 qualities (who understands their description? - SURELY not ME!) of which I speak - soft, forgiving, wanting - no, begging - to be touched, yet somehow forbidden. Never mind - go for it; I must. No, that's not it. I can't STOP myself. So of course I do. What follows? What do I expect to happen? What kind of reaction will I elicit? The answer she gives to me with her eyes. Her EYE à for who can really look at more than one at a time anyway? No one, exactly. And the EYE reveals ALL...and again shows the naiveté and wonderment and servitude and snobbery all at once that I suspected was there ALL along. But it is quickly gone, hidden. (Always leave them wanting more...isn't that right?) What next? No expectations. Of course. Mais oui! But yes...cross-lingual redundancies abound. What do I want? Do I ever know, really? Now...yes! Paul and John couldn't have said it much better..."I Wanna Hold Your Hand." THAT's not gonna happen...(why not?)...just too much to ask right now...I think; but why? (STRANGE) Just leave, ask nothing want nothing...be nothing? Right. Right thing to do. Good night. Will she let it end like that? No es possible. She feels it too. Well...maybe not it...but SOMETHING! Here she comes. Reach out to her, hold her, that's what you want, oh...so nice! Ultimate comfort. (But never complacent.) Tell her how beautiful she is. No, don't...she knows already anyway. She can feel me saying it...I hope. She IS beautiful...I can think nothing else...but it won't come out of my mouth. Say goodbye. Kiss her. Her lips: smooth, loving...but apprehensive - yes very - they (she) knows what will happen (she has to though...right?) and won't let herself go this time. The lips stop it. But they come back again. "Another kiss please," says my soul...but still the hesitance pervades. It feels good...but that is it...it is over. Good night...good nite...still tonite...