Movies

Movies that Suck!

In my movie watching experience, I've come across certain rules of movie suckdom. If your movie falls into one of these categories, your movie is almost guaranteed to suck!

1. Remakes of TV shows

I credit this with the steady decline of originality in Hollywood. Nobody, it seems, has any originality left in that god-forsaken town. So they say "Hey, let's make a movie based on T.J. Hooker or some other TV show." It's pathetic. And nine times out of ten, the movie ends up sucking.

Examples: Beverly Hillbillies, Charlie's Angels, Wild Wild West, Brady Bunch, The Avengers, Lost in Space

Exceptions - The Naked Gun series. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Next Up - The A-Team, Knight Rider - Yeah, thanks a lot. Destroy two of my favorite TV shows growing up, whydoncha?

2. Live action remakes of classic cartoon shows

To paraphrase Denis Leary: "I take cartoons pretty seriously. You see this scar on my wrist, you see that, huh? You know what that's from? I heard they were making a live action Scooby Doo movie and I couldn't take it anymore." I mean Jesus Fuckin' Christ, they've already raped the Flintstones, Rocky and Bullwinkle, and now Josie and the F'N Pussycats. Is nothing sacred to these Hollywood assholes? Apparently not.

Examples: "Flintstones", "Rocky and Bullwinkle", "Josie and the Pussycats", "Mr. Magoo", "Inspector Gadget", "Scooby Doo"

Exceptions - None whatsoever. The next person that suggests a live action remake of a cartoon series should be dragged into the street and shot.

Next Up - Garfield - A live action Garfield movie? Are these people trying to make me have a psychotic episode? Because they are close. Oh, they're very, very close. Please, for the love of God, make them stop before I hurt someone. (Although the live-action/CG Garfield might have one redeeming quality: Jennifer Love Hewitt... hmmm... J.Love...)

3. Films based on video games

Hmmm... what do these things all have in common? Street Fighter, Super Mario Brothers, and Double Dragon.

1. They are all video games.
2. They all had movies based upon them.
3. Those movies all sucked!

Case closed!

Examples: "Street Fighter", "Super Mario Bros.", "Double Dragon", "Tomb Raider", "Wing Commander", "Resident Evil"

Exceptions - None - See above

Next Up - "Duke Nukem", "Spy Hunter", "House of the Dead"- So what?

4. Films based on "Saturday Night Live" sketches.

You'd think that a groundbreaking TV comedy show, with some of the funniest people on the planet, and some of the greatest characters on TV would make for good movies. You would, of course, be wrong. (A few notable exceptions, notwithstanding). C'mon, A Night At The Roxbury? What a great idea! "Let's make a feature length movie about a one-joke sketch." What a bunch of fuckin' geniuses!

Examples: "Night at the Roxbury", "Superstar", "The Ladies Man", "Coneheads"

Exceptions - Wayne's World, The Blues Brothers

Next Up: Who gives a fuck?!

Pyramid Scheme Productions, 1998 - 2004
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Last Updated: July 20, 2003 5:00 PM

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