Burnouts Serenade

He plays your song, on his beatup guitar
you smile and sing along..
Humming where the music is, around you the world is still
The same old world you used to know, with busy streets and traffic lights and a little emotional pudding we call love.
Hold your head with callous hands, take a long pull on a stale cigarette.. Only the music knows where you've been.
I watch you smile, I watch you cry, silently within yourself.
Tap your foot, he takes you back
to that world you knew before..
No busy streets, no traffic lights
refusing to change.. just love.. just life.. just a world that died somewhere along the way.

For the Love of…



I have been the savior,
I have been the saint.
I have understood you
I have been too late.

I am your little Princess
I am the one you need
Your precious little angel
Watch me break and bleed

I have stood here waiting
Wanting you for me
I have laid here crying
Until the tears were all I could see

I have been your stalker
the one who knows you sleep
with your fear hidden safely inside
With your pain hidden deep

I have been your lover
I have been so cold
I have been your plaything
With secrets best untold

I have been so foolish
I have fallen again
Into that empty nothingness
Into the soft, cold pain

I have disobeyed myself
I have let you in
I knew I couldnt have you here
Such is the price for my sin

I will live to hate this day
But hold it close, all the same
I will grow to miss the way
you softly whispered my name

I will huddle in the shadows
cold, alone and dead
I will never forget your smile
Or the words you sweetly said

I will know you love me
Until I breathe no more
Only then can I be free
Of the one Ive come to adore

Oh wretched heart, why did you beat
For one so far away..?
Love, you answer.. shame, fool heart
You never should have felt this way.

I have been silent so long
I've forgotten my own voice
I have lost my sanity
I have made my choice

I will grow to hate this day
for all that it will do
I will learn to love again
I have been a fool

I will always see you there
smiling at me
Whispering hollow words so sweet
of things that will ne'er be.

I have loved you always
I will love you still
I have forsaken only me
I have lost my will.

Same Skies.



Last night the sky changed..
and all of the beautiful stars
were suddenly just a facade.
And the universe was no longer mine..
I wasnt connected to the trees or clouds..
I wasnt connected to God.
Last night the sky was just a void
A place where life used to be..
An eternity of nothingness and cold
I didnt feel your breath against me
I couldnt remember being young..
I felt forgotten, betrayed.. and so old.
The stars blinked on in their hollow way
A beacon to man, but of what?
No power behind them.. No grace.
They no longer showed His love
Just meaningless specks in an endless empty sky
Where once I saw the Creators face.
I went outside to see the sky tonight
And now I know what its like to be alone.
I know that He's not watching me now.
But no intentions of play do I have in my heart
In fact, I think its empty in there.
When He turns, I just cry silently with my head bowed.

Too Many

Too many times Ive lost my cool, Ive been afraid, Ive been enraged.

Too many nights I've cried till sleep tooks its hold and my dreams would fade.

Too many days Ive thought about what happened to my life?

Where was I supposed to be five years ago tonight?

Too many years have past since I believed in something new..

Too many things Ive done by now.. And never thought of you.

Too many times Ive told myself, what ever happened was

One of those things that had to be.. Too keep me from believing too much.

And too many times Ive started to fall without you there to catch me

Too many times Ive hit the floor... with no one under me.

Song of the Winter Angel




And now the times come into play
I hope you liked the pleasant way
My hair it tumbled 'round your face
and my body trembled in your embrace
And the teardrops fell in honour of you
And time stood still and I was made new
And everything it took its course
And now Im here with no remorse
The wicked wind licks with its cold tongue
The chill of Winter's just begun
So kiss me wild with lips afire
Watch me fall in my desire
Angels play on a cold Autumn night
Peeking 'round corners, hidden from sight.
Caressing the wind with their butterfly wings
The soft Winter air behind them sings

"Love so fair, love so right
Rest among the stars tonight
Angels smile and laugh with thee
Keep this song inside of me."

Flutter flutter, twirling snow
Dreams above, Stars below
Ever dancing in endless glee
Starlit prayers on bended knee
Please remember ageless tears
Cast away forgotten fears
Dreams pretend, pretenders dream
Always further than it seems
A quiet song sung just for thee
To somehow from the night be free

"Love so fair, love so right
Rest among the stars tonight
Angels smile and laugh with thee
Keep this song inside of me."

So many tears wasted
So many smiles forgotten
So many days passing me by
So many fears have been brought in.

Too often on my pillow
salt stains can be found
When the one who swore to love me
Is nowhere to be found.

Too often I catch my relfection
and Im withering away to just tears
And even when he holds me
His warmth doesnt cover my cold fear.

And sometimes I cant face him
And panic takes me then.
Afraid of the next big fight,
Afraid of watching it end

And even when he loves me
And his eyes hold no disdain
I still cant seem to hold back tears
I still cant bury the pain.

So afraid that I'll never be enough
Continually letting him down
His glare pierces the very essence of me
Even held without a sound.

I sometimes wish he'd just hold me close
and make it all disappear
But then, sometimes holding me close
becomes something I fear.

Spoken words of cherished love
molding into words of bitter shame
And as much as Id love to point the finger at him.
I know it is me I should blame.












Wrap a leash around my neck
Take me where you want to go
Push me down, kiss me hard
Take me out here, in the snow

See the cold engulf my heat
Feel me as I shiver
See my hot and steamy breath
Watch as my lips quiver

Pull back my hair and kiss my neck
I feel your teeth break skin
I press my body against your own
And beg to let you in

I feel your breath upon my neck
Drops of blood hit the snow
You pull me closer, harder still
I gasp and feel myself let go

And then you fall, I hit the ground
Lick my wounds--Be still my heart.
Put it all back together for now
And later, we'll break it apart.

Once upon a time I said goodbye
And love died--I closed the casket
I buried you in the deep, cold ground
and threw flowers in the basket

Dont cry to me, dont lie to me
Dont tell me that you were wrong
You're dead to me--You're dead for good
You're buried where you belong

Amid my memories, both good and bad
In the cool soft soil of the Earth
I left you there with nothing else
Because thats what you're worth

And maybe you've changed and maybe you're new
I just dont care anymore
In a grave--by your headstone--I lowered your body
And I closed and locked the door

You chose to die, you chose your way
You can live and die who you are
I grieved and moved on. Im better this way
And your memory is distant and far

So let me live as you die once again
And know where you reap you must lay
You will sow the bed in which you make
And pay for then with today

Beautiful Girl


Her life was like a whisper..
Soft and gentle, powerful and swift
Her precious smile, Gods greatest gift

Her face was that of angels..
That joyous spark that filled her eyes
Contagious laughter and softened cries

Her smile brought joy to all whom she shared
Her smile was light in the darkness of hell
A prison of pain, she freed you from your cell

Her life--like a whisper..
Only there for a moment, too strong to ever leave
A wondrous gift from Heaven--joy we cannot concieve

Her wings shine on in Heaven
She smiles at you with that spark in her eye
Believe in her and let her fly

Her love shines down from Heaven
Keep it in your heart and keep it safe and sound
Because your love, in her memory will abound

Because I love you
I will let you go
Forced to feed this beast inside
Forced to fight alone

Because I need this
I will breathe without air
I will kiss the fire and never burn
I wont cry when you're not there

Because this feeling wont leave me
Ill never find my peace
And this hell within my broken mind
will spread like a disease

Because Ive felt you so deep inside
Ill forever be yours alone
Your love caressing me sweet and warm
Your heart becoming my own

Because I wont chain you
You're free to walk away
I'll bleed quietly into myself
My soul slowly withering away

Because I have loved you
Ill never leave your side
Though trials may pull us apart
Remember Im there, inside.

Matt


Warm days--quick childhood..
..Running through sprinklers
sticky sno-cones on the sidewalk
too short in their glory
hold them, keep them
always
Cold nights, alone again
Suicidal thoughts prevail
darkened thoughts
black as night
that created them
Small glimmers of hope
in eyes who've seen too much.
(teardrops refusing to fall)
A chance at life
warm summer days passed
a chance to be new again
Hope anew..
..Love anew
..Life anew..
In isolation I hated.
I connect with you.
I like being this close
I connect with so few.
I like the way you smile
The way you shine
with summers passion
With sweet sno-cone smiles
and blue bubblegum grins
I love the way you smile
at simple wonders, amusing cartoons
It brings me back, it warms me up
Sweet sno-cones on my lips again
Tasting bubblegum.

You've taught me to hold onto dreams I never would
But now its time you learned to let go
I know Ive done something it seems I never should
But eventually I have to let it go.
Know this tonight as my words will be few
Its time to believe in love again
Its time for dreams to be dreamt anew!
Its time to believe! Its time we begin!
Know this child, I love you still..
Know you'll always have a friend
Know that sometimes we'll do what we will
And know that letting go isnt the end.
To move on in life and dream of new things
Such happiness is ours to be had
To sit back and watch what happiness love brings
Is reason enough not to be sad
Know this, my teacher, my mentor.. my friend.
I will always love you..
In things that Id let diminish
In things I feared would end
But holding on to dead dreams
Will eventually kill you, dear friend

Once I believed in you
Once I believed in me
I believed my faith could move mountains
I believed my love could move the world
I believed in you
I believed in me
I believed in the possibility of forever
in your beautiful eyes
I believe in hope
I believe in trust
I believe in dreams
In all of those and many other things
I Believe!

Escape


He handed me a chance at life... I grabbed it
and kept running
I took it and took him and kept them both
I loved him like Id never loved before
He handed me a beautiful child.. I held him and
stopped crying
I took the child and held him closer, than anyone had ever been
He handed me lies.. I took them and the tears
came again
I took my life and gave it back and decided to
start anew
I didnt care..
I didnt care--about anyone.
I hated..
..all of them.
I hated their smiles and glassy stares
I hated that which they called "love"
And as much as I hated and hated and loathed
Im swimming in a pool of pity
Im drowning in a sea of guilt
You see, he handed me a rose last Friday
And he handed me a new dream
He handed me "forever" once more..
He kissed me with those same damned lips
And I couldnt help but pity..
..the poor girl somewhere at home
Sitting by the telephone--twirling her ring on a chain
I became sick from the touch of his hands
I felt so dark when he held me--too close
..I needed to get away..
He handed me a sweet red rose, "Happy Valentines Day"
I took the rose.. I took it and ran..
Back to the car--back to my life
..Back to "forever" without him..
Somewhere she's sitting.. twirling that damn ring
And hoping he'll call..
..Hoping he'll save her
..Hoping he'll hand her "forever"..

Prayer.


When theres no one here to free me
And no one left to please
When theres no one around to comfort me
I get on my knees
When even the closest friend I have
could never understand
to the floor, I drop and kneel
and I fold my hands
Closer now, to Divination
I feel His hands on me
And I know that no phone call would ever
heal what He can heal in me.

12/1/96



The Last Time.

Its the last time I'll love you
Its the last time I'll care
Its the last time I'll ever turn
and hope to see you there

Its the last time I'll need you
Its the last time you'll win
Its the last time I'll take the blame
For all your pain and sin

Its the last time you'll betray me
Its the last time I'll call you friend
Its the last time you'll have a hold on my heart
and watch it twist and bend

Its the last goodbye, dear sister
Its the last I care to see
of your backstabbing heart
always turning on me

A kiss, just a kiss
Now a beautiful memory
Be free, my mind, to dream of this kiss

My tears--hot, salty tears
scalding my face
Be free, my eyes, to cry for this

My love, sweet precious love
torn apart again
Be free, my heart, to love again

Will the wind show me truth?
With the fates, destined, win?
Will that night be the only night?
Will that kiss be our last?

An embrace, our last for now
So warm and gentle
Be free, my pain, to let me feel

My death, sweet freedom
So close, so inviting
Be free, my life, to let me die

The power to make me anything he wants me to be
He holds my soul in the palm of his hand
Sometimes he's the only one who'll listen to me
Sometimes he's the only one who'll understand
Snd with a simple gesture, Im laughing
And with a written word, Im in tears
His voice, deep and mellow, lulls me to sleep
a simple smile from him erases all my fear
The way he speaks of dragons and long forgotten tales
the way he moves his hands--that spark in his eyes
I wish I could have stayed there longer with him
And the morning sun was quickly despised
Time.. passing too quickly whenever he's near
But the world seems to stand still when he's there with me
and lying alone in his bed last night, I knew it could never be "us"
But just this once, please let me dream
of what could never be.

The light of the world, the hope of a country
the helpless that cry, the wounded that bleed

Serve a nation that loves you.

Grieve for your country, grieve for its children
Lost youth without time, lost souls fading away

Love the youth who follow you.

Believe in your god, fight to death in His name
Have faith in your wisdom and know you'll have Rewards

Follow a God who turns away from you.

Respect your elders, they were here first.
(but we'll be here after..)
Fear your authority.
(Who owns you?)
Do as you're taught.
(I was never taught.)

Turn away from the powers that own you
Keep faith in love of people and life
Keep love of whats right with you always
Own the love that keeps us here

Believe in yourself
(the one who knows you)
Believe in your heart
(Let it lead you)
Believe in your mind
(it belongs to you)

Hold on to the fire that burns in your eyes
Keep your faith in a world who can love

Never let them tear you down
(they want to)
Never let them win
(they cant beat you)
Never give your faith to them
(they will let it die)

Poor Girl

to keep, to kill
to love, to care
do you? will you?
or will you leave him alone?
will he wonder why you chose to bring him here?
will his tears fall on empty ears and tarnished hearts?
on a dirty ripped up pillowcase?
will you care once he's here?
will he ask for death because thats what you wanted?
will he love you?
will he understand--as the priests understood?
will he care like the counselors that "saved" you?
can you teach him who to be without knowing who you are?
poor little girl, you've fucked up again
and theres no one here to fix everything for you.
no one but death
his beating heart, its rythm for you.
you--his rock, his god
(until you teach him to beieve in another)
with his life in your hands, you sit all alone
crying--full of pity, full of shame
poor little girl, how can you be so stupid?
how many times can you screw up?
kill him.
kill yourself.
in the end, it doesnt matter, does it?
he is you
you are him
take his life
feel your own leak away
hear him call you from a schoolyard
years from now
a ghostly apparition
tears falling
watch the children play
return to the graveyard of your heart
among cold headstones
among silent pain
grieve for him
for yourself
for life..
grieve for the death of you both
you will live without him in the greatest
death of all.
   








Im not afraid of you
Im not afraid of your empty threats
Im not afraid of your hatred
Im not afraid of your fear

Im not in love with you
Im not in love with your twisted envy
Im not in love with your control
Im not in love with your lust

Im not surprised by you
Im not surprised by your hateful glares
Im not surprised by your jealousy

Im not afraid and thats what hurts you most
Im not afraid of hurting you either
If thats what it takes, thats what I have

Im not in love and you've lost control
Im not in love with controlling you either
your submissive ways terrify me

Im not surprised and you miss the shock
Im not surprised you still care
I dont, but I know you too well

Im not afraid of your empty threats
Im not afraid of your twisted envy
Im not afraid of your hateful glares

Fuck you for not believing in me.

Im not in love with your hatred
Im not in love with your control
Im not in love with your anger

Fuck you for not caring about me.

Im not surprised by your fear
Im not surprised by your lust
Im not surprised by your jealousy

Fuck you for never being there.








Narcissus Wept

Close my soul, enter madman.
Clinging to my breath like a snake folding into its prey.
stare at the ceiling.
What time is it?

Angels of blasphemy, wrapping steel wings around the cold, silver moon.
sunlight bleeds the soul.

What time is it?

Ageless paintings hang on the dirty wall. Poetry in motion--standing still.
Bless this coffee, and these pills.

I do this in rememberance of you.

Winter's breath, cold on my heart.

Whose soul is this, anyway?

Heartless dawn, screaming to me from beyond the silken abyss of my pillowcase.

What time is it?

lower my head. weep. raise my head.

Done.

If I could show that I love you
Wrap a million candles 'round your head
Make you glow.
(like I do when Im with you)
Own this.
(like you own that old beat up lamp in the darkest corner of your room)
Make me feel your watercolours, bleeding into my eyes.
Soft purples and quick honey coloured angels flutter by.
(fingerpainting for the soul)
Wicked. Wicked as the sunrise on a night that shouldnt end.
(like a child with a loaded gun)
And as patient as the reckless ocean, tossing in upon itself in its leisurely haste.
(salty tears)
Burn a candle.
A million candles.
(so inviting)
Wrap them around..
around your head.
Glow like me.










Maybe you'll leave the light on
When I come crawling home.
Marching into battle
The brave fought, the weak fell
The strong came trudging back
carrying the weak and the dead
Trudging through the enemies field
Crawling to my doorstep
pigtails tucked under my helmet
Lil' lacy underthings
stained with enemy blood
Maybe I'll find a light and a refuge
at the end of this long cold walk
Maybe you'll still be there waiting.
waiting for me.
waiting to live, to die.
To begin or to end.
Waiting for a resolution.
Maybe the light will still be burning.

You tell me she's not capable..
because she's getting old
But I know she knows where the elvenkind roam..
And sometimes she goes where they go.
To dance and sing and rejoice in the ways
That the beautiful and pure do stay young
And there she is, in elveneque loveliness
I hid! I saw! I heard the song that was sung!
You may think she's growing old
Her hair has turned to gray
But I know her secrets, I know the child
That dances before me and I pray
Youth hides behind those lines, gently etched on her brow
But in her eyes, that fire.. still dances!
Even here, even now.



For my dear Elven Grandmother. =)









Watch and Be Amazed…

By that look that he gives..
The way he captures
and twists
And its my turn again
And its his turn to cry
round and round
fucked up carnival ride
spinning, falling
falling down
like a fucked up carnival ride.
Its still amazes
with the tip of his hat
so gentleman like
that his venom is that
of a thousand beasts
and his touch
darker than death itself
And he spins the crowd
with a twirling wand
round and round
like a fucked up carnival ride.

Touch this.
Its candycoated nothingness
Sweet to the lips
Deadly at the touch
Breathe me in, the sugarcane
Dance like the fucked up clowns
Sing the song of the cockateel
Chirp. Chirp.

Stain the glass with freshly spilled blood
Who believes in you?
Teeter-totter closer the edge
Who remembers you?
Ever further away from yourself
Who knows where you are?
Scars on wrists and tears on cheeks
Who realizes where you've been?
The crowd looks on..
The night grows darker..
Dont look down, the world is spinning
And you're just standing still.









Winters breath fell softly on my shoulder
As the strap slid down my arm
I stood before the temple dawning
My eyes, wild with shame
I Knelt before the kingdom wall
Burning in its righteousness
My skin, my skin.
Falling away from where I was
The tears come so easily
Without apprehension
Without taste
Just bitter cold
against my face
Lower my eyes, I believe in the shame
At His feet, my guilt I lay.
Too heavy a burden
For a child, so young
Take this, take this please.
Sprawled on the cold earth
A blanket of faith
Covers me from righteousness
Dont let me fall
Into the rubble
Into the masses
Into myself
Please dont let go.

Love her.


She stands so still, her hair in her eyes
Dont brush it away, but love her.
She whimpers and you wish you knew why
Dont ask her, but love her.
The nighttime scares her now, she says
Dont laugh at her, but love her.
She tells you secrets no one should know
Dont cry for her, but love her.
She hands you her broken past..
"Fix it, mommy."
And you cant..
But you can love her.

And as she spun her silvery tale
The children looked on, their faces pale
from holding their breath as they hung on each line
Of her pleasantly crafted lullaby
And one shone with beauty
and one shone with awe
And I looked into you
to see what they saw
And elves and faeries
and spinners and drums
And fantastic rainbows
sometimes would come
Across in your eyes
and light up your smile
And fall across your cheeks
Burning them in the style
Of a blushing young child
Held captive in suspense
Believing in magick!
Because magick makes sense..
So sit with us by the fire tonight
And tell us the tales in the sweet dancing light
Of the embers that sway and believe in the flame
And fill us with tales of the faeries game.

Easier.

Sometimes its so much easier
to close my eyes
To break my thoughts

To watch the little pieces of my reality
shatter underfoot..
Its so much easier
than being there.

So tell me, how does it feel?
Turn around, wash me empty
Falling into oblivion
How does it taste..
To look inside this
to tear the seas away
And breathe everything
that I am.
Who do you see?
When you look behind you
When everything disappears.
Tell me about the cold
winds riding on the rainy sky
on a moonless night
in your head.

Dont turn from me to hide your tears
Or Ill rest a blade in your spine
Filling your soul with hatred and fears
Weaving these twisted lies of mine
Loathing fills me with thoughts of you
Or am I too blind with rage?
Fleeing to the midnight avenue
Another turn of the page
Dont turn from me to burn your soul
Dont expect to ever be free
Ive taken all you'll ever know
And now you belong to me.


EvilShan.

I watch her in the rearview mirror
Her smile seemed to have dropped somewhere back on the highway
Long long road and we traveled it here
And now that we've arrived.. what else to do but stay?
But I caught her smiling in the rearview mirror about an hour ago
And now its gone, and his pocket is full
And I know exactly what he's filled it with
The beautiful smiles of precious angels
Smiles sweeter than sugar and brighter than sunlit snow
I saw her in the rear view mirror
And I swear I saw a tear run down
When he said goodbye to his last dear love
And said hello again to you.
For in his hand, you saw her smile
And your head screamed RUN AWAY!
But your heart is attached to a smile
I remember.. somewhere in his pocket.
I could have told you every truth
I could have made you cry.
But I am not that girl anymore
I dont want your tears.
I saw you in the rearview mirror
And all I feel.. all I want..
All I miss is your smile.

I see the way you smile at me, and I know
its still mine
When I want.
Where I want.

And you play so well.... but we always knew
Who belonged to who.
What belonged to you.
You belonged to me.

Once upon a midnight..
Filled with fireflies and moonlight
And I remember fireworks
Pouding..
Just like you were.
And one year turned to another
And I fell into your arms then
Handing forever to you
In the sweet dark midnight
So many many years before.

And now its all behind us.
And now our lives loom before us
But every now and then
We play the same songs in our head
in the nighttime
Like the midnight
When we promised
to fulfill
these
empty desires.

Fuck your cold, sharp apathy
Your stinging remarks
Your smile, like cold steel
I loathe the day I become you.

Hating every depraved thought
That flashes before me in your eyes
I want to run away from you
From it all.

Dull drama





Sometimes its colourless

The whole world...

Gray, unfeeling.

Sometimes its cold

Usually its just a dull brand of drama.

Rumours and lies
and candy coated fairytales
Of dreams and sex
And hokey half off philosophy sales
And all that we can see or hear
Wasnt really meant for our ears
Rumours and lies
And dark little secrets
Hide your lust inside your trunk
Next to the corpse
On top of the insects.
Sweetly, swiftly, turn and flail
Deny your truth
Fight hard to fail.
Everybody's doin' it
Pretend that you're a star
Everybody wants you, babe
But not the way you are
Flip flip and fall some more
"We all break sometimes", she said
as she laid her head back on the table
and cried a little more.

To one who stood for nothing
and fell for everything
Or so they all said

She, the girl with too much makeup
and too little hope..

(the girl of your dreams, maybe)

She, the one who holds her head
in her hands when she cries

Who holds her knees to her chest
while she dies.

The one who stood in the kitchen and knelt
over broken glass
...shattered...
like her life
that morning

when he said the word
impossible
when he said it was too
complicated
when
he
gave
up
on
her

She knelt so wearily
on the shattered earth

But then she stood

And in standing, everything changed.
And she saw the world from
a brand new perspective
And old stains washed away
her wounded knees healed

And then he came to her
When she least expected him to

A few words from him.

"Im so sorry."

Even fewer from her.

"I forgive."

And there they were

Made new again.

Warm, against the cold

Healed, against the wounded

Free, against the captive

For one who knelt as a child

Now stands.










Raise my head, walk through the crowd
I hear their curses, murmured low
Towards the door, towards the end
Been 3 months on death row
I carry her to the electric chair
And I can almost feel the pain
Years on down the line
I can almost hear her sayin'
How good it would of been
To see her mama's face
And I knew just then
No time or pill
could this loss erase
But lets just chalk it up
to a good time
Lets just say that I
fuckin' crossed the line
That they spat at my face
didnt seem to phase me
But that cold chill in my spine
Seemed to want to change me
And I stood and walked
and forgot about it all
Through the doors of death
And down the halls of hell
And sometimes in the morning
I can almost feel her smile
And always late at night
I remember her last mile.