Happiness

~Aug. 28, 1997.~

My desire to write this was overwhelming. It started today when I was shopping and saw a little girl, perhaps five years old, sitting on the floor in a store, reading out loud to herself, completely oblivious to the world and to the fact that my eyes were fixed on her. I was trying to learn what a child is, trying to remember being a child myself and what that was like. How I wanted to talk to her, but she was enveloped safely in her own world and I didn't want to disturb her wonderland. She never even looked up.

In another store, a grandmother and her daughter, she was probably around four years old, were shopping and as they walked by me, the little girl stared right up at me! I can't explain the feeling. Perhaps children sense the pain.

This evening I took my horse for a hard ride. We were racing, hell-bent for wherever. I wasn't sure if I was simply enjoying the freedom or trying to escape.

We ran through HUNDREDS of monarch butterflies. This is a place where they can always be found and they were the inspiration for a poem that I wrote earlier this year. I hadn't realized how long it had been since I had seen them. I forgot how beautiful they are. One brushes by my arm and I smile and remember happiness and beauty.

Further along we see three bluejays, so much bluer than the sky-unbelievable. I remark how solemn they are. Not making even one sound. That's very unusual I think and I smile.

We walk for a moment and find ourselves surrounded by another cluster of monarchs. They flutter all around us, making quite a fuss. Some fly ahead then turn and come back towards us, beckoning us forward.

As we pick up a trot, they are about us like a cloud. Not one touches my horse or me. Then the MOST AMAZING thing happened! A single butterfly flies towards me and touches me, directly over my heart! I was in awe. How could that be a simple coincidence? It was the most powerful expression of love.

As we continue, I look to my left across the fields at the sky and it looks beautiful. The sun is touching the clouds just right so that "God's fingers" as these magnificent rays are called, are reaching down and touching Earth. I reflect on God and my beliefs for a moment but regardless of these thoughts, I feel safe then and I have the strongest feeling that everything will work out.

We are soon running again, galloping towards home and the sky starts to sprinkle raindrops on us. He shakes his head and I laugh when the sweat of his labour decorates my face, uniting with the raindrops.

I wanted, I hoped, I waited, so long for a day like this to share with a friend, to show them my successes, my pleasures, my hopes, but they left before they tasted the happiness.

Today was not simply one of pure and untainted joy, it was scattered with powerful memories of abuse and the triggers were everywhere. But, the pain was forgotten time after time by this unexplainable joy of life that was dispersed with the pain. It is so different from the static numbness, emptiness, and darkness that are so familiar.

So this is happiness…this is LIFE after abuse. I'm glad I was around to sample it.

~Meggie~