I feel again like hope is lost. My world is falling apart and I really am two different people. There is the happy, positive me, and there is this me. I am completely lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to die. It's so hard to keep up this front for everyone. I wish I lived on my own…then I could deal with this. I could sleep when I am tired without having to explain that I am emotionally drained. I could cry…I could be sad. But I can't here. I have to ride and enjoy it although I don't feel like moving. I have to run, I have to eat, smile, laugh, talk and it is more than I can handle. I am quickly running out of strength and out of hope. I am so scared. What is going to happen to me? Keeping this secret is proving to be as hard as facing this problem. This is killing me. It's times like these I wish I were dead. I can't deal with my family anymore. I can hardly hide this. I hate this fear, I hate myself and I hate them. I wish I could just leave. Life no longer seems real…more like an automatic thing. I'm just going through the motions. I wish this was all over. I wish it had never begun. Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine pain and confusion as being this awful. I'm not even in this body anymore. I feel like I'm just sort of floating along. I get flashbacks in my head almost constantly. I cannot rest without them being there. It is truly all I think about anymore. Nothing in this world could be this tough. I don't even want to try anymore. I don't want to have to live through this. No one understands. I am so completely helpless.