Letter Three

~Date Unknown~

I was so exhausted today. I just feel so drained. I feel too as though nothing is real. I don't really feel depressed, just as if nothing is real. It's sort of like a feeling where I can think and stuff but I feel as though I'm dead…looking at my life as though it was someone else's.

I wouldn't dare sit here now and make myself remember…of course I remember different pieces but it is very difficult to put them together and run thru one huge memory again.

This abuse has affected me so badly. It has changed my personality, my entire life. I don't want to sit here alone and write it out. I can't do this alone. Thinking about going thru it at all gives me a really bad feeling. I just hope that whenever I start talking about it, I just keep talking about it and don’t' stop. And I hope I don't dissociate from myself when I talk about it because that is a really hard thing to over come. I want to feel the pain while I'm telling it, because I am going to have to anyway, and if I tell it with no emotion, it won't seem as if I'm talking about myself at all. I would rather feel disgusted and humiliated and angry because I really don't think going thru this abuse quickly to get it over with will help me heal much. Sure, I will have gotten it out, but when you sort of leave yourself, you really can't remember what you said and that would make me feel bad later.

I also have this feeling that this thing is screaming inside me to get out, and if I do not tell it, it will do it for me anyway it can and that could be very, very bad.

Under this front, there is a lot of emotions and I want to accept them and embrace them because they are part of me…they ARE me. It's like that poem about owning your own pain so it can't own you. Maybe if I feel this, really feel it, then I will own all the pain. Maybe I will feel better about myself. I just know these emotions are here because I see them at odd points in my life like when you're at the brink of suicide and other normal times…=)

It seems that only tragedies very dear to my heart can evoke these emotions, yet I've never shed more than one or two tears for myself and how my entire life has been changed and will change. You see, I believe, truly now, that my pain, and my fear, own me and that it decides when I will cry, when I will forget. Well, I do want to change that now…I will own my pain, and it is going to hurt worse than anything, but it will be MINE.

I have hope.

~Meggie~