Letter Two

~Date Unknown~

Today, I had a lot going through my mind. I am really not very good at sharing my my feelings with others. It''s just that I have learned that if I turn them off, nothing will seem wrong, no one will ask any questions that I don't want to answer. It is extremely difficult and embarrassing to sort out what I am feeling at any given moment. My thoughts are so jumbled that I have no idea where to begin.

I get this feeling in my stomach now that is just awful. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I am like this now everyday. I cannot concentrate on my work and I cannot definitely cannot be sociable. I am so worried bout letting down the people around me by being upset. I cannot cry hardly at all. I don't like people to see me. The only times I feel like crying are the worst times.

I "fade out" all the time now, even when people are talking to me. And I just can't feel.

When I came home tonight, everything was fuzzy and dull. Like the wind didn't feel sharp on my face. I was just staring at nothing when I was outside and everything just blurred together no matter how hard I tried to focus. Nothing really hurts. I just get this dull pain in my heart. To be honest, I don't like to feel the pain because it hurts so much.

I couldn't possibly have spoken intelligently with anyone. I was just so numb.

I am so angry that these people will now take control of some more years, five more years maybe, of my life. It's as if the suffering never ends.

I don't like not having control over this thing and it's causing major turbulence in my head. I got this really sudden, weird, hot feeling, and I sort of said, "Well, I have a choice. I don't have to deal with this." And tonight, I was thinking about all this healing and I just felt like screaming, "No, I will not deal with this! I am not strong enough! I need to push it away and get on with my life!" It just makes me feel so sick.

I am afraid. I am really afraid. I'm scared about what is happening to me now. About the possibility of having to think about all those awful things which I can't even sit here and think about myself. I am worried about getting depressed again. About hurting myself again. Because I don't know how to deal with this.

I am so frustrated it scares me. So angry it worries me. I have times when I am dangerous to myself, and this is frightening too. I mean if you can't trust yourself…

I'm worried about the friendships I may ruin. About how I will be able to balance everything on the outside for such a great length of time. I can recall few times in my life when I have been this scared and this helpless. I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I can do this. I cannot live like this forever. That I know. It feels like I am dying from the inside out. I don't know how to explain it. I want to…but I don't know how. What if this goes on forever? What if I am a really screwed up, bad person afterwards and I never get better? I just have so many questions, so many worries, and so much emptiness. I don't know what to do.

I never thought the abuse would come back. I thought by living through hell for two years, I had healed. I'm still sort of in denial about that. I know the abuse happened, but sometimes, like tonight, I almost believe I can pretend it never happened, but then I feel worse, like I'm being told it won't go away. I wish so badly that it would disappear. All these years would have been so different. I would be so much happier. I want to be happy again. It felt so good these last two years. Now everything's turning bad again.

I'm not sure if I can make it with this pain through summer when I am isolated from everything else. I can't show these feelings of despair around my family. I wish I could see how all this turns out. I wish I could make it all disappear. It's just not fair. My life is different. I have to live, deal with this crap, deal with "normal" problems in between, do well in school, and be happy for everyone else at the same time. It's driving me nuts! Not to mention I'm completely paranoid and unable to function at night, or anywhere dark. I have terrible dreams and I keep getting these feelings. A mixture of depression, sadness, anger, fear.

I swear sometimes I am going crazy and it's so exhausting. It would be easier if I could admit to myself that I must deal with this, because I still don't fully believe that.

~Meggie~