I've decided it's time to tell my story. I don't want to suffer from this pain

anymore. I don't know if anything I do will ever help that, but I feel that I

should write it, because I have trouble even talking about it.

I am just a kid. I should be living my life, I should be laughing, joking,

hanging with my friends, partying, smiling. But no, I am sitting here bleeding

inside from the pain that I am feeling. I hurt so much lately. I am dealing with

sexual abuse, with pain, with fear, with insecurities, with anger, with

frustration, with endless questions.

When I was little, about 15 years ago, I was only 3 years old, my grandfather

touched me in ways that he definitely shouldn't have. I don't remember playing

in playgrounds on the swings or slides; I don't remember being a little girl; but

I remember listening to my grandfather, a man I loved, tell me I was a good

girl and that what he was doing must have felt good. I can still remember him

looking at me and smiling a smile I learned to hate.

Even though my parents knew about this incident, we still visited my

grandparents every year until he died. That really bothered me.

When I was four or five, about 14 years ago now, a neighbour, a sixteen year

old boy, abused me three times from what I know. I only learned last year that

I was actually raped. I find it very difficult to deal with. Both my parents

minimized both experiences, not realizing how much I really knew. They told

me it was normal for kids to "experiment". "EXPERIMENT???? Hello!!! I

was four or five, I don't think I was thinking about sex then. He was twelve

years older than me!! I think he knew better.

This piece of scum would be about 30 years old now and I have nightmares of

him being married and telling his kids that if they loved their daddy they would

do these things with him.

I am the oldest person my age that I know. The hardest thing for me to face

with this abuse is that I remember vividly when he made me perform oral sex

on him. I remember every word, every feeling at the time. It is the only memory

I have where I remember what I actually felt like. I do remember staring at

something in the room while I was being raped so I don't remember anything

else about it.

When I left his house, he told me if I told anyone he would kill me. I waited a

few months before I said anything. No charges were ever laid and the family

moved away.

Now, years and years later, I am faced with the greatest challenge of my short

life. Dealing with things that no one should have to deal with ever. Dealing

with things that, thankfully, most of my friends have never had to deal with.

How do you explain to someone that you are ripped into little shreds inside?

That you hurt with such agony that it is impossible to explain? How do you

explain that you can't just "get over it" although you would give almost

anything to be able to do that?? How do you explain that some days you can't

think, you can't function, you can't move or talk or eat?? That some days, you

are walking through an impermeable darkness where you can't feel anything,

everything is dull, no sunshine, no laughter, no life.

Life is at a virtual standstill. All I can deal with is ME which makes me a

selfish person. I can't even have a relationship with the kindest guy I have ever

met because I can't give any of me away right now. It's very hard to explain. I

can't talk to my friends because they would not understand this, and the sad

fact is, they wouldn't care.

I had one friend to help me through this, but I lost her because I lost sight of

the important things in my life while trying to heal myself. She is yet one more

thing that guy stole from me. He has taken my life so far. I have years that are

completely blank. He has taken my sanity, my soul and my happiness.

I am fighting an internal fight right now. I am constantly trying to reason with

myself and all these feelings. I have a consistent problem in that I constantly

tell myself that what happened was not a big deal. That's what I have always

been told. I am trying to change my thinking on that one.

Every time I hurt, I try and say it is stupid to be dealing with this so late after it

happened... it wasn't that big a deal. My friend's reasoning is slowly beginning

to take over. She is wiser than she knows. She said that, if you didn't deal with

it fourteen years ago, then what's the difference if it happened then or

yesterday?? Your feelings are still unresolved.

She also told me that if it wasn't a big deal, then people wouldn't go to jail for

it; this support group wouldn't be here.

The battle is ongoing for me right now. I have many thoughts and feelings to

deal with and I'm not always sure I'm doing anything "right". My hope rests in

the fact that I have been told time and time again that it WILL get better. I

think I know deep in my heart that it will.

It's just the dark days that cloud over this hope and put me into a panic,

thinking I will never get through this, that I should just give up. I do want to

die sometimes, but somehow, something kicks in and says, just hang on for a

bit, this feeling will pass. Sometimes it takes hours or a whole day, but it does

seem to pass.

Right now, I can't even sleep without thinking about all of this, which is really

hard. Sleep used to be my reprieve from these ugly problems.

So, this is where I am so far. I hope some day that my story will continue in a

more positive way. I wish these kinds of acts could be prevented permanently.

The suffering that I am experiencing is also experienced by too many other

children and adults. It is not fair and it is not deserved.