~Step One~

Um...hi everyone...

I am going to go out shortly...to the police station and try to maybe get one of the

many problems I'm having off my mind...

I feel like my heart is going to explode...along with my mind...maybe my soul too!

Just not used to having SO many things to deal with at once...the abuse is one

thing...but just everything on top of that plus more stuff with the abuse and

relationships and questions and man oh man...I don't want to do ANYTHING..but

either lay down and sleep (which isn't good cause then I get the constant night

terrors and dont' want to do anything after that either) or get really

drunk...hmmm...yes I'm hurting...I wish I wasn't so in touch with my

feelings...geez..what a pain in the butt! *little grin*...

Well, just wanted you all to keep me in your hearts...it's not a 19 year old (alright, I

will be 19 in 26 days) who is going to walk into that police station...it's a 4 year

old..and she is so scared she doesn't know where to start...going to try to find out

about my case and get some of the lies I've been told either erased or verified....I

just 'need to know'....and then I'm going to submit myself to the hard stuff like finding

out whether any more charges were laid against him, whether he was ever charged

in his sister's abuse, whether he ever, EVER got ANY kind of punishment for the

two cases of severe child sexual abuse he has committed...I don't think he

has...and if the case isn't too old...yes, it is now approaching 15 years old...probably

already gone out of their files...after all...it was no big deal..then maybe i will find out

about pressing charges..and then worrying because I can't because of my

parents...oh man...and this is just one of my problems...God, give me the strength

to walk into an office of cops, damage my future career, and find the right words

and questions to ask...please don't let me break down like a four year old...please

take away the flashbacks of visiting the police station 15 years ago, that I have in

my head...the doctors, the fear, especially the fear that is taking me over...please let

my mouth say the words...please slow my quickly beating heart and raging

blood...please calm and soothe me...please point me in the right direction...please

make me whole again one day...like I used to be so many years ago...

I'm sorry...

Love,

Meggie