1) Wipe up spilt milk.
2) Staple two sheets together and insert foot for a quick pair of clean socks. (Double thickness for instant moccasins.)
3) Make a quick “mouth-mask” to reduce the effects of morning breath.
4) Use to wipe sweat off your bottom after sitting on a hot sticky vinyl car seat waiting at the drive thru for your large order.
5) Make a closet full of halter and tube tops with one roll. (Warning: water and even minor sweat can cause perforations to suddenly tear.)
6) Ideal for covering fist, boot, and head holes in your walls left from drunken brawls thus keeping out squirrels, rodents, and other crawling pests.
7) Fill plastic food storage bags with wadded up paper towels and then use for bed pillows or toss on sofas. Insures your good pillows are free of greasy odors and living organisms left behind by company.
8) Make affordable papier-mâché renderings of human body parts after freakish dismemberment accidents. Don’t forget the tube works great for “bones”.
9) Write little notes like, “Have a nice day.”, “Good luck on the math test.” or “I just bought all new living room furniture"” on them and put them in your kid’s or spouse’s lunch bag.
10) Soak roll with turpentine then insert in jack-o-lantern and light to make a blazingly eerie Halloween pumpkin for your porch. (Warning: Dry or brittle low hanging wooden eaves could spark and destroy home. Possible human combustion within 10 feet of jettisoning flames. Pumpkin is not guaranteed to maintain original shape.)
11) Makes a quick blindfold during impromptu pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and kidnapping situations.
12) Hotel doormen: Stuff gloves to give appearance of full set of fingers and to help protect any remaining fingers from the usual revolving door mishaps.
13) Completely wrap a leg into a bogus cast to get out of having to participate in the company softball tournament. (Don't forget to hobble and whimper with pain when you attempt to put weight on the limb. And have co-workers get you coffee and do your faxes, too, to keep the sham believable.)
14) Wad up several sheets and hold over gang knife stabbings, while applying firm pressure, until your posse can get you to the emergency room for stitching.
15) Put a little stocking cap or curly moptop hair on a roll, mark on a face and use as a bedtime companion.
16) Wipe up blood stains on woodshop floors. Also makes picking up “parts” less nauseating.
17) Tightly stuff into cheeks around teeth for protection before picking a fight with the guy who stole your girlfriend. Remember it will then be difficult to speak, so practice your pointing and other hand and arm gestures necessary to get the message across prior.
18) Decrease likelihood of obtaining staph infections and E-Coli bacteria by draping sheets over “throne” while leaning and puking.
19) Put a smile back on the face of your boss at the nuclear power plant as he sees how simple it is to mop up plutonium spills and toss them out with very little radiation exposure.
20) Hillbillies: Tightly fold into little square to use as temporary missing front tooth for job interviews. (Superglue to closest tooth. If general store doesn’t stock superglue hold in place with tongue and lip.)
21) Make autopsy cleanup a breeze by soaking up bile before it hits the morgue floor.
22) Paint roll brown and carry around like jumbo cigar. Really lights!
23) Get friend to wrap your body tightly head-to-toe to experience what it must have been like to be a mummified Egyptian pharaoh. (Remember: Notify friend not to embalm you before head wrapping.)
24) Rodeo clowns: Stuff generously down trousers to pad bottom from horn punctures and minimize bruising when being bull-dragged around the ring.
25) Fully decorate all your trailer windows with just one 3-pack roll of floral, bunny and duck design paper towels. (Thumb tacks, adhesive tape and crayons must be purchased separately.)
26) Using the tube as a stick, wave as a substitute white flag in failed bank robbery situations.
27) Handouts down because motorists no longer read your same old cardboard sign? Create approximately 50 fresh and topical messages tailored to attract the type of person per their appropriate vehicle per roll. (ie: Pickups: Everybody's got a bottle of beer to cry in but me. How about buying me one? Minivan: Spot me a $10 and help end world hunger.)
28) Cut your cost of q-tips in half. Wrap small torn pieces around pencils to clean out ears. One sheet replaces twenty swabs!
29) Land into baby-like softness by unraveling a dozen or more rolls loosely into a cardboard box for at home stunt diving out windows or skateboarding off roofs. (Note: Avoid placing boxes on large, jagged decorative stones, ground-level hot charcoal pits or amid fully active sprinkling systems as toweling may lose buoyancy and box may fail resulting in possible massive contusions and/or burnt, twisted body parts.) (Refer to #16 for easy cleanup suggestions).
30) Shoe Bargain hunters: Hit the shoe sales racks with vengeance. Make any large shoe size your size by wedging paper towel wads down crevices of extra wide, enormous, and yes ladies, even big and tall men size shoes to secure proper fit. (Note: Must wear paper towel stuffed socks with excessively large sandals.)
31) Never a ladder in sight and tired of hoisting yourself up into your attic opening? Simply cut 36 strips of paper toweling 1/4 " wide x 30' long. Superglue 6 strips on top of each other lengthwise. Using 3 strips, French braid tightly around a single 10' long chain link preferably fine grain nickel manganese alloy with high tensile strength and inside hardness at approximately 51 RHC, wiring braid to chain for added strength every 2 inches. Repeat process for second chain. Screw hooks into end of 10- 1" wood dowels and clip with heavy link to chain every 12". Hang from attic opening and voila! climb in and out with ease.
32) Faster than a knife wielding Brutus, make quick and easy disposable Julius Caesar or Cleopatra costumes. Simply roll a few sheets to form a scroll, then wrap and drape the rest of the sheets diagonally around body. The rest is history.
33) Keep outside the shower to dry off with and never wash towels again.

Warnings: Paper towels are not designed for cleaning windows and manufacturers will not be liable for any paper fleck residue left behind upon drying that mars window's visibility causing possible eyestrain or permanent loss of vision. Never substitute a paper towel for a dinner napkin as it is not prefolded to fit nicely by a dinner plate. Its excessive size could cause hot cups to be accidentally placed upon them and then spilt directly on the lap when paper towel is lifted quickly causing permanent scarring of thighs or worse. Never rip paper towels in a left to right or right to left manner as this requires twisting of the wrist which may lead to long term carpel tunnel syndrome or digit paralysis. Avoid ripping in a downward fashion as this could cause unforeseen elbow injuries. Never cut with scissors, machetes, or saws as all could lead to injuries involving uncontrollable bleeding. Never use as a substitute tissue as paper towels are not easily maneuvered around the nose and could cause flu germs and typhoid to spread even more rapidly, causing widespread epidemics that put nations' whole economic and political systems at risk. Do not put plastic wrapping over face for long periods of time in an attempt to keep dirt off face during some dusty adventure we can't even conceive of at this time as lack of oxygen could cause (additional) brain damage.  

More of the endless uses of paper towels to come....

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