1-11-00
It's a Billy Ray World, After All.
I must admit - I'm kind of disappointed that Y2K didn't spiral civilization into the nouveau dark ages. This would have provided the perfect opportunity for me to seize power and start the Billy Ray Millennium. While everyone was distracted reprogramming their VCR's, I'd take charge and issue my first edict:
"OK everyone - got a quick fix for your Y2K problems. We're starting at 1900 instead of 2000. Since the 20th century was such a blast the first time around, I've decided we should give it another shot. However, the following historical events are expressly forbidden from being repeated:
The Disco Scare of the 70's.
The Influenza Epidemic of 1918.
The Bolshevik Revolution.
The Leisure Suit.
Most of World War II (except for the really cool parts).
Andre Braugher's departure from Homicide: Life on the Streets.
Yoko Ono (She's the one responsible for the Beatles breaking up, you know).
The Donnie and Marie Show.
"We are still undecided about the Nixon Administration, George Steinbrenner and Oliver Stone films.
"Another announcement is forthcoming regarding detention camp assignments for anyone that has ever pissed me off or fucked me over. Yes, this does include teachers and former girlfriends.
"All those who laughed at my jokes and treated me with the reverence that is my birthright are eligible for free admission to the Wednesday Night All You Can Eat Buffet. Also, these same people will receive first pick of videos at Blockbuster every weekend. This applies to that Mexican chick in '85 who blew me in the back of a Plymouth while returning from Austin (I never got a chance to thank her).
"Also, I am banning polyester, accordions and Tori Amos.
"The Armed Forces are now combined and renamed Billy Ray's Bad-Ass Motherfuckers of Doom (Slogan: Don't fuck with us 'cause our boss is heavily medicated!)
"I am declaring my birthday a national holiday with all the trimmings - school and government closures, fireworks, sex in the streets. I also want a parade - a REALLY BIG PARADE (if you know what's good for you), with cake (anything chocolate), ice cream, and lots of presents. This year I want a Tom Anderson Hollow Drop Top (H-S-S, fixed bridge, no trem, flamed maple on basswood, amber sunburst w/ binding, gold hardware and Switcheroo electronics. Next year I want a Boogie or a Rivera) and one night with that chick from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
"And finally, I am bestowing a special Billy Ray Medal of Honor to the guy who invented duct tape.
"That is all. You may now return to your pathetic excuse for a life."