11-22-99:
The Anniversary of Modern Paranoia.
Thirty-six years have elapsed since a disputed assassin's bullet cracked the Texas air, landscaping Dealey Plaza with JFK's brains and skull fragments. Yet as the cordite lay thick among the spectators, suspicious men cried conspiracy and let loose the dogs of paranoia. These same men who sought justice for their martyred President wove Byzantine tales of conspiracy involving the highest echelons of American government, business, organized crime and some foreigners thrown in for good measure. The beauty of this meant someone could mix and match which elements were involved in the assassination - thus creating their personal conspiracy theory - which they would subsequently whore out in the way of books, documentaries and feature films.
Eventually this wellspring of paranoia ran dry - every conceivable conspiracy permutation was milked from the assassination teat. All that remained was a 500-page tome written by some drunk who sat next door to Oswald's cell for 2 hours. One guy was so hard up for material he actually wrote a book stating Oswald was the lone assassin.
I spent years trying to create my own theory from the conspiracy smorgasbord. Every time I crafted something that I could hawk before the public, someone else would beat me to it and publish a book detailing "their" theory. One day, I came upon a great idea - create a conspiracy theory that involved an entirely different element - but throw in a few of the usual suspects just so the story wouldn't be too far outside of the mainstream. I had the best of both worlds - a new theory with some scraps left over from the assassination variety pack.
THE THEORY
The Southern Baptists were behind the assassination of President Kennedy.
(I know it seems like a stretch, but bear with me. You will be dazzled.)
President Kennedy was a Roman Catholic. The Southern Baptists were, well?.?Baptist. Catholics dance, drink and speak a foreign language in church. Baptists don't dance or drink. They're so fucking boring they don't even speak in tongues.
Jackie Kennedy was an atypically attractive First Lady. Baptists hate pretty women. Drive by a Baptist church on Sunday. See any babes? That's right, nothing grazing around except big butts and polyester. Baptists ugly out their women once they hit puberty. It's OK if your daughter is a cute little girl, but once the hormones awaken it's time for a Melissa Ethridge Fan Club Makeover.
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
There are more Baptist churches per square mile in Dallas than anywhere else in America. Also, there are more strip clubs per square mile in Dallas than anywhere else in America.
Jack Ruby owned a strip club in Dallas.
(I'm still working on this one - it's got to mean something)
Waco lies several miles south of Dallas. Baylor University is in Waco. Guess who runs Baylor? (No, it's not Jack Ruby, you dumbass!) The Baptists run Baylor!
Do you remember David Koresh and the Branch Davidians? Do you remember where they lived? (Waco, for the cerebrally challenged among you) Do you recall the fate of Koresh and his followers? (Here's a hint for the future Special Olympians: Fire good, but burn!)
Seems to me the Davidians knew a little too much about JFK and the Baptists.
The BAYLOR-RUSSIA CONNECTION
The Baylor mascot is a bear. The Soviet Union's symbol, mascot, or whatever the hell you call it, was a bear.
THE OSWALD-DISNEY-BAPTIST CONNECTION
Oswald was a former Marine. When Oswald lived in Russia, he met and married a woman named Marina.
(OK, I'm just using this to flesh out my theory a bit. It does sound pretty cool, though.)
An early Disney animated character was named Oswald the Rabbit (it failed, but Mickey soon followed. Disney made a bundle. Walt died and was frozen. Eisner took over and bought ABC. Actually, this has nothing to do with the assassination, but I thought you might like to know that the Oswald the Rabbit story had a happy ending.)
The Baptists are pissed at Disney (some gay thing, or because some animated character was allegedly sporting wood - I forget which one).
(C'mon, a Disney, Baptist and Oswald conspiracy? That alone should net me a six figure advance.)
CONCLUSION
Christ, do I have to spoon feed this shit to you?
I'm sure I'll receive e-mail from people saying I played too fast and loose with the facts, as well as leaving holes big enough for a NASCAR track. Here's my reply:
Have you ever read the Warren Commission Report?
'Nuff said.
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