12-23-99
Scrooge Was a Visionary
I really hate Christmas.
Christmas is one of this biggest rackets ever created, next to the insurance industry. I always thought it was a marketing ploy devised by Christians so they could compete with other religions
"Join our church and you are guaranteed free gifts once a year!"
Of course, they didn't tell you that you must cough up presents so you might enjoy your own gifts unfettered by guilt.
The reason we give is supposedly because the 3 Kings (B.B., Freddie and Albert) and the 3 wise men brought presents to Jesus after His birth. They were probably trying to suck up to J.C.'s Dad and get a leg up on the salvation track. I never understood why my participation in this holiday was required. I never knew The Birthday Boy. He supposedly died for my sins, but that's another holiday, which by the way is the cheaper of the two. Couldn't they just sacrifice a lamb or a virgin instead?
Speaking of virgins, I never bought that story about His Mom. I'm surprised Joseph fell for it, but I don't think he was too bright of a bulb. The man didn't even bother to get hotel reservations on Christmas! That meant Mary had to give birth to the Son of God in a stable, which was probably embarrassing when the kings and wise men came bearing gifts.
"Frankincense and myrrh? We're in a stable for Chrissakes - sorry, son - not too mention I just gave birth! Why didn't you pick up a room deodorizer along the way?
On the other hand, maybe the stable wasn't a big change from the inn. After all, these people lived in the desert, and personal hygiene wasn't a big concern 2000 years ago.
'Tis the season to be jolly does not apply to my jaded soul. Whatever jollies I display are chemically induced, otherwise I would spread my misery in ironic counterpoint to those who remain intent upon imposing Christmas cheer on the terminally misanthropic. They are singing to the tone deaf. On the other hand, the chronically joyful remain a source of great amusement to me. They are such easy targets - kind of like shooting fish in a barrel with a TOW rocket.
I can't feign love of humanity just because the calendar requires it. Actually, I can't feign love of humanity - period. That's like asking Jerry Springer for depth. I really question anyone who displays altruism for a certain time of the year, and reverts to cutthroat scumbag the other 51 weeks. I may be cynical, but at least I'm not a hypocrite about it.
In other words, don't let the holidays keep you from being an asshole. After all, I'm sure you were a beacon of brotherly love while you shopped in those crowded stores and malls.
Another thing I hate about Christmas: family. A gathering of our clan looks like the casting call for Deliverance. It's really hard to eat Christmas dinner looking at all those inbred faces and realize that I share the same gene pool, although I think my end was more chlorinated. These are the types of people who set their VCR's to tape The Dukes of Hazzard Reunion six months in advance.
"Why Billy Ray - you have grown so much!"
"I guess that means I'm a freak of nature like the rest of you."
Is it any wonder there's never a 12-gauge riot gun waiting for me under the tree?