*After ~Laughing Out Loud~ from reading all these great jokes, use
the *Back Button* on your browser to return to more great *PG* Humor.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered,
vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken
during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters
whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the
proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter
has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books -
Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few
months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite
transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone
also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
station?
Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
a victim?
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on... what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on
top of my head.
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and
she did!
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
========================
A guy walks into his doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent
gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night
during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way
to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting
room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just
had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your
hearing!"
*****************************
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the
cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the
misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a
hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
------------------------------------------
How many comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10... 1 to screw it in, and 9 to say they coulda done it better. --Stephen
Pearl
none...we don't do *anything* all day! -- comic Linda Smith
Why does it take 4 women with PMS to change a light bulb?
IT JUST DOES, OKAY!?!?!
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb!
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. How they got in there we don't know.
How many psycholgist does it take to change a light bulb.
One. But the light bulb has really got to want to change.
How many country and western singers does it take...?
Two, one to change the bulb and one to sing about how much he is going to
miss the old one.
How many Spoiled Brats does it take to change a light bulb?
one, she just holds the bulb and waits for the whole world to revolve around
her.
HOW MANY WOMEN DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT
BULB??????????
7, ONE TO PUT IN THE LIGHT BULB AND 6 TO FORM A SUPPORT
GROUP.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, One to screw it in and two to sue for unsafe working conditions!
How many Body-Builders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, One to screw it in and two to cheer him on,"You're lookin HUGE, Man!
You're Lookin HUUUUGE!"
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, he just screws real bad and then has to brag about what a good job he
did later.
How many Dittoheads (Rush Limbaugh follower if you didn't know) does it
take...
Only one... but he has to wait for Rush to tell him to do it.
How many graduate students does it take?
One, but it takes six years.
How many deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just let it burn out then follow it around for twenty years.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Don't trouble yourself, dear. I'll just sit here in the dark."
How many AOL subscribers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None...all of them are waiting for the new art to be added!
---------------------------------------------------------
"Tell me again," asked the judge, "why you parked there?"
The moron rose and answered respectfully, "Because, Your Honor, it said
'Fine for Parking'"
*************************************************************
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost
completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not
surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
******************************************************************
Percy: I've just got a bottle of vodka for my mother-in-law.
Bill: Sounds like a good swap!
****************************************************************
PUNISHMENT
What is the punishment for bigamy?
TWO mothers-in-law!
******************************************************************************
"Dad", asked little Roy, "do you have any idea why storks lift one leg when
they eat?"
"Sure," dad replied. "If they lifted two they'd fall over."
******************************************************************
My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but
they were there to meet the boat.
Will Rogers
*****************************************************
A fan club is a group of people who remind an actor he's not alone
in the way he feels about himself.
*******************************************************
Middle age is the time in life when you stop criticizing the older
generation and start criticizing the younger one.
**************************************************************
The teenage beauty was telling a friend that she's really worried about
her Mother. It seems that she's always fatigued from staying up all
night long.
Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age,
that's not good at all."
The girl replied, "Waiting for me to come home."
**************************************************************************
A middle-aged couple was discussing life, and preparing wills.
The conversation turned to remarriage...
Wife: If I should die first, will you remarry?
Husband: Probably, I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life alone.
Wife: Would you bring your new wife into our home that we have shared?
Husband: I don't see why not. It would be empty, you wouldn't be there.
Wife: Would you share the same bed we've shared?
Husband: Well, it's a comfortable bed...
Wife: Would you let here wear my clothes?
Husband: Sure, if they fit. They are quite nice.
Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: No way, Linda is left handed.
*************************************************************************
A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one
house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the
door even though the pastor knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took
out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it
in the door.
* Revelation 3:20 -- Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone
hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with
him, and he with me.
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the
pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10"
* Genesis 3:10 -- I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid
because I was naked; and I hid myself.
***************************************************************
My wife, who has a talent for do-it-yourself projects, was laying tile
in the kitchen one evening while I was relaxed in the next room. Then a
friend stopped by. "You don't know how to do anything, do you?" he
asked me sarcastically.
"I can do one thing," I replied. "I know how to pick women."
---------------------------------------
-- [ From: Giggle's Humor List * EMC.Ver #2.5.02 ] --
***Have a happy and safe Halloween everyone!
20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of
sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the
door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell,
"Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret"
in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously,
say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and
quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters
come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell,
"Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can
figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an
unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't
move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the
street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and
scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround
the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you
give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their
candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone
who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing
through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters
for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a
calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain
that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-
treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy
bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again
in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch.
Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open
the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam
the door when you're finished.
------
The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
15> Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14> Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13> Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12> Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11> Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10> After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9> After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8> No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7> With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
are suddenly off-limits.
6> No warm blood for miles around DC.
5> Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4> No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3> Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
"hardbodies."
2> Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
1Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
[ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]
-----
THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're >kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO
NEXT DOOR!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To meet his wife Hilary.
Why did the man cross the road?
Who knows? Why the hell do they do anything?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To use a pay phone since her rooster husband wouldn't sign off AOL.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida.
What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A hand full of sheet.
What does it mean at the post office when the flag is a half mast?
They're hiring!
What do you call a gay cow?
A Dairy Queen.
==========================================
Newsflash: The police are looking for a man with one eye called Bernie.
Caller: What's the other eye called?
Newsflash: The police want a tall handsome man for assaulting women.
Caller. I'm interested. What does the job pay?
Man: My wife's leaving for the West Indies.
Friend: Jamaica?
Man: No. It was her own idea.
Man: I got a brand new sports car for my wife.
Friend: No kidding. How'd you ever get the dealer to make a trade like that?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
There was a rooster on the other side.
Man: Who was that lady I saw you with?
Friend: That was no lady...that was my brother-in-law. He just walks that way!
Nurse: Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.
Customer: Do you have talcum powder?
Pharmacist: Yes sir. Please walk this way.
Customer: If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder!
Judge: I'm afraid I'll have to have you locked up for the night.
Defendant: What's the charge?
Judge: There's no charge. It's part of the service.
Judge: I find the defendant innocent.
Defandant: Does that mean I can keep the moeny?
Mom: We can't keep a horse in the house. Think of the smell.
Son: Don't worry. They'll get used to it!
Friend: Gee, you smell good. What have you got on?
David: Clean socks.
First guy: Say, are you warm from the sun?
Second guy: No, I'm Smith from the Times.
Patient: Doc, I have trouble falling asleep at night.
Doctor: Well, just lie on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Jane: Am I too late for the garbage?
Garbage man: No, ma'am. Hop right in!
Rick: How was your vacation at the beach?
Dick: Terrible. It was so dull that on the third day the tide went out and never
came back!
Jim: Joe is really lazy.
Slim: You're right. I wish he'd at least learn a trade so we'd know just what kind
of work he's out of!
Mike: Call me a doctor!
Ike: Why, are you very sick?
Mike: No, I just graduated from medical school!
What's the easiest way to catch a fish?
Get someone to throw one to you.
Sam: What a smart dog to be able to play poker with you!
Fran: Not really. Whenever he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.
Bob: Every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.
Rob: The dog must enjoy that.
Bob: He sure does, but I think the tramp is getting a little tired of it.
Ron: I only gamble for laughs.
Don: Me too. Last week I laughed away my car.
Mom: Did you have a good time at the zoo today, Junior?
Junior: Yes I did. Dad liked it too. Especially when one of the animals came in
at twenty-to-one!
When Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply, why did the snakes
disobey?
Because they were adders.
Nurse: Have your eyes been checked recently?
Patient: No, they've always been solid blue.
Boss: That man next to you is doing twice as much work as you are!
Joe: I know that, sir. I keep telling him, but he won't slow down!
Patient: My leg hurts.
Doctor: Have you had this pain before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again.
Thief: Stick 'em down!
Cashier: Don't you mean stick 'em up?
Thief: Oh! No wonder I haven't made any money today!
Jake: I've formed a new musical quartet with three other carpenters.
Ed: What do you call yourselves?
Jake: The Tuba Fours.
*******************************************************************
DAD: I hear that you went fishing last week. Did you get anything?
CHIP: Yep. Sunburned and mosquito bites.
ROSS: You're welcome to stay with me overnight, but you'll have to make your
own bed.
CHRIS: That's no problem.
ROSS: OK, here's a hammer and saw.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the guy who's in Leavenworth because he was making big
money?
Yep, about a third of an inch too big.
***************************************************
A patient scheduled to undergo mouth surgery confided his most horrible fears
to a nurse. "Will I die? Will I be disfigured? I don't know what's going to
happen," he said to her. "Don't worry," the pretty nurse said. "Your surgeon is a
specialist and you'll receive the best of care."
"You're right," the patient responded. "I'll probably laugh about my fears after
the surgery."
"Laugh?" the nurse scoffed. "With no lips?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The M.D. got a call from a very excited woman. "Doctor! Doctor! My dog just
swallowed 30 Bufferins. What should I do?"
The doctor answered, "Give him a headache."
********************************************************
Did you hear about the very nervous surgeon that was just fired from the
hospital? It wasn't so much all of the patients he lost as much as it was the deep
gashes he kept leaving in the operating table.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
And then there was the very rich socialite who sent her pet poodle to Berlitz to
learn a foreign language. Her friends all said, "Don't be foolish. A dumb animal
can't learn a foreign language."
The dog looked up, arched his back and said, "Meow!"
A poodle and a shaggy boxer found themselves sharing a kennel while their
respective owners went on vacation. On the second day, the Boxer asked the
Poodle for her name. The Poodle replied that her name was FiFi and then asked
the Boxer for his name. "I'm not sure," replied the energetic dog, "but I think it's
Downboy!"
***********************************************************
What meal do cannibals make from politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.
What kind of party did the friends of the female vampire give her before her
wedding?
A blood bath.
How do cannibals cook politicians?
In a crock pot!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer can take his wing-tips off.
How do relgious fanatics chase away agnostic neighbors?
They burn question marks on their lawn.
************************************************************
A big brute of a fellow died and found himself in front of the pearly gates.
"Hello, son," Saint Peter
said, jangling his keys. "What did you do down on earth?"
"I was a member of the Washington, D.C., SWAT team," he replied.
"Well, I don't think there's any point in your trying to get in
here,"SaintPeter said.
"I'm not trying to get in," the cop retorted. "I'm giving you all just five
minutes to get out!"
*********************************************************
When he could squeeze in the time, the Pope made arrangements to play nine
holes of golf. At the seventh hole, a 175 yard par-three to an island green, he
prudently decided to tee up an old golf ball. Suddenly, a voice boomed from
above, "Tee up a NEW ball!" The Pontiff dutifully bent down and teed up a new
ball. Taking a step backwards, he took first one practice swing,
then another. Again the voice boomed from above, "On second thought, tee up
the OLD ball!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Did you ever wonder - how can a leopard tell when he has the measles?
***************************************************************
All undergraduate students must take note of new required classes.
Course number Title Days
Time
MUS147 HOW TO HUM: LECTURE AND LAB MW
10:00-10:50
HIS024 U.S. HISTORY SINCE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO TR
12:00-1:15
GEO222 COUNTRIES THAT ARE ORANGE ON MAPS MWF
2:00-2:50
ENG537 SURVEY IN ENG LIT: SIR FRANCIS BACON MWF
9:00-11:15
AND LORD HENRY SAUSAGE
POLS834 U.S. DOMESTIC POLICY: IF FROGS COULD TR
1:30-2:45 VOTE
ANT248 AMISH PARTY GAMES W 6:00-8:15
FR106 ELEMENTARY FRENCH TOAST MW
8:00-8:50
COM193 TOPICS FROM "GREEN ACRES": LIFE AND T
7:00-9:15 TIMES OF MR. HANEY
HIS456 THE HISTORY OF SOUP TR 9:30-10:45
CHE546 THE SCIENCE OF PLAY-DOUGH MWF
10:00-10:50
PHI101 THE RAMBLINGS OF DEAD, DRUNKEN MWF
9:00-9:50 PHILOSOPHERS
ARC555 ARCHITECTURE OF THE BRADY BUNCH HOME
WTBS 4:35-5:05
MOO108 THE BOVINE ERA, PART IV: COW HISTORY R
5:30-7:15
SINCE 1784
ENG327 SHAKESPEAREAN MEMOS, MENUS, AND GROCERY
LISTS TR
11:00-12:15
ANT764 NOMADIC TRIBES OF SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA MW
3:00-3:50 THAT ARE REALLY JUST LOST
MATH001 COMPREHENSIVE STUDY OF THE NUMBER SEVEN
9:30-10:45
POLS497 REPUBLICAN PARTY ETHICS M
1:00-1:05
ARC123 DESIGNING MODERN CITIES USING LEGOS MWF
2:00-2:50
MATH19875 MATHEMATICS SO HARD THAT NO ONE CAN W
6:00-8:30 DO IT
COM253 UNDERSTANDING THE PLOT TWISTS IN "TWIN
9:00-4:15 PEAKS"
A-S546 TOPICS IN MODERN ART: USING A LIVE CAT TR
3:00-4:15 AS A PAINT BRUSH
HPR314 BEGINNING YAHTZEE MWF
1:00-1:50
ENG893 THE ROMANTIC PROSE OF ALAN CUTLER MWF
9:00-9:50
PHY276 HYPNOTIZING YOUR PETS TR
2:00-3:15
TEL115 MUNSTERS/ADDAMS FAMILY: A COMPARISON M
7:00-9:15 STUDY
BIO654 STUDENT CENTER SOUPS MWF
10:00-10:50
???267 POTPOURRI TR 12:30-1:45
ENG690 STOOGE CRITICISM: THE SHEMP YEARS MWF
10:00-10:50
MUS532 THE BAGPIPES GO DISCO MWF
3:00-4:15
MATH476 LEARNING POSSIBLE LOTTERY NUMBERS TR
11:00-12:15
BUS109 NEIL BUSH INVESTMENT SEMINAR MWF
4:00-4:50
ZGH786 INTRO AM OP ED ACK OOP TR
11:00-11:50
HRP192 TAKING DOWN THE VOLLEYBALL NET MW
12:00-12:50
(NOTE:prereq:HPR191: PUT UP VBALL NET)
SCH465 UNDERSTANDING THE SCHEDULE BOOK M
2:00-2:50
=====================================================
"A Word Fitly Spoken"
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
so quick-witted and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at
Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded flight was canceled. A single
agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly
an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket
down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight, and it has
to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to help you, but I've
got to help these other people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so
that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I
am?"
Without hesistating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention, please," she began bellowing
throughout the terminal, "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to gate 17"
While the folks in line behind him laughed hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "Damn you!" Without
flinching, she smiled and said, "Sorry, sir, you'll have to stand in
line for that, too!" The man retreated as the people in line applauded
loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they
were no longer angry at United.
=====================================================
A man who has only a head (no arms, body, etc..) is rolling down
a hill, when at the bottom of the hill he sees a bar. He decides
to stop in the bar to have a couple of drinks. He bounces up on a
stool and orders a drink from the bartender. He sips the drink
down and feels kind of funny. All of a sudden, Bang he now has a
body. He can't believe his eyes, but he still has no arms or
legs. He quickly orders another drink and Bang, he now has an
arm . Another drink and Boom he has another arm. One more and he
now has a leg. He can't believe it, this must be his lucky day,
all he needs is one more leg. He orders his last drink, quickly
drinks it down and POOF, he disappears! The moral of this story:
he should have quit while he was ahead!
***************************************
There are these three guys who are applying for a job with the CIA.
They all went through the prescreening process, you know like written
tests and interviews. The whole thing went on for like a year. It
came down to the last part of the interview and the CIA guy in charge
comes over to guy #1 and hands him a gun and says " if you really want
to be in the CIA then go in that room and you have to kill your wife".
#1 thinks about it for a minute and goes in the room and shuts the
door....about 5 minutes goes by and they hear nothing. #1 comes out
and says" I cant do it, I just couldn't do it". So the man in charge
goes to #2 and hands him the gun and says the same thing " If you want
to be in the CIA take this gun and go in there and kill your wife!!!".
He takes the gun and closes the door.....ten minutes goes by and
nothing not a sound. He comes out and says the same as the last guy,
"I can't do it". So now the guy in charge goes to #3 and says " If you
want to be in the CIA then go in there and kill your wife". The guy
takes the gun and shuts the door....you hear bang, bang, bang,,,,bang
bang..,,,bang,,bang, then a rumbling and stuff smashing and breaking
all kinds of commotion going on and then #3 comes out and the guy in
charge says "what happened?" #3 looks at him and says "the gun was full of blanks,
so I had to beat the bitch with the chair!!!".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's "Cheers")
--------------------------------------------------
"Can I draw you a beer Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."
"How's a beer sound Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."
"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What would you say to a nice beer Normie?"
"Going Down?"
"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding
beer."
"What'll it be Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer & a snorkel."
"What would you say to a beer Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."
"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever
comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"What'd you say Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."
"What would you say to a beer Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"
(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."
"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."
"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can."
"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about
it!"
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."
"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
===============================
Excuses For Missing Work
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told
me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an
hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop,
reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop
only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks
in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled
up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how
about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No,
no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her
coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day
should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
*************************************************************
Sunless in Seattle !
What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
A weekend.
-----
It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August to April and May to
July.
-----
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
-----
What's the definition of a Seattle optimist?
A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.
-----
"I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here an
entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have
summer here?"
"Well, that's hard to say," replied the local. "Last year, it
was on a Wednesday."
-----
A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the
next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and
the day after that. He goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and
asks out of despair, "Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around
here?" The kid says, "How do I know? I'm only 6."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Punkers!
A punk, in full regalia (leather, chains, rings on every bodily
protrusion, multicolored spiked hair . . . the works), happened
to note an old man watching him intently from a park bench. The
punk sauntered up to the oldster and, with a sneer curling his
purple-colored lips, demanded to know what the old man was
looking at.
"You," replied the senior citizen.
"Whatsamatter, don't you like what you see?" demanded the punk.
Never taking his gaze from the punk, the old man said: "About
twenty years ago I had intercourse with a parrot. I was just
wondering if you might be my son."
***********************************
Little brother: What do I do now?
Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
Little brother: Like this?
Big brother: Yeah.
Little brother: Now what?
Big brother: Hit "ENTER".
Little brother: "ENTER"?
Big brother: I mean "flush".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jeff Smith, public television's "Frugal Gourmet," in the face
of numerous accusations of trying to seduce teen age boys,
has announced his departure from the long running series.
In related news, Michael Jackson has announced the arrival of
a new executive chef at his secluded Neverland Ranch...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Very Short Books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
17) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) Tasty Bile Recipes
21) The Amish Phone Book
*******************************************
Making It Home
Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact
Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home.
I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the
driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak
in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up
having a fight.
Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few
times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door.
Then I yell "Honey, I'm home," run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say,
"How about a little love, woman?"
She never even moves.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
51 Fun Things to do in an Elevator
-----------------------------------------------------------
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex
to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"
incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol
coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft
go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Bring your golf clubs and start practicing. Don't forget to
shout, "FORE!"
17. Do Tai Chi exercises.
18. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
19. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh,
not now, damn motion sickness!"
20. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
21. Meow occassionally.
22. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
23. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
24. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
25. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing
buttons.
26. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
27. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
28. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're
one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
29. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
30. Leave a box between the doors.
31. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
them.
32. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
"through" it.
33. Start a sing-along.
34. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?"
35. Play the harmonica.
36. Shadow box.
37. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
38. Lean against the button panel.
39. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
40. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
41. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
42. Bring a chair along.
43. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
wha in muh mouf?"
44. Blow spit bubbles.
45. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
46. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body."
47. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
48. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
49. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
50. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
51. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
=============================
From Janell H.
janell@inetco.net
GIGGLE'S HUMOR LIST
http://www.oldcommunications.com/giggles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An update from "Jargon Watch" on new lingo flowing out of the Silicon
Valley and corporate jungles....
"batmobiling"
Putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers
the batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling"
"prairie dogging"
In companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and
everyone pops up to look
"ribs 'n' dick"
A budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're
supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades"
"betamaxed"
When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but
better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out
of the market"
"generica"
Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so
lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"
"going postal"
Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went
on shooting rampages
"high dome"
Egghead, scientist, PhD
"irritainment"
Annoying but you can't stop watching, e.g. the O.J. trial
"meatspace"
The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon
community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"
"percussive maintenance"
The fine art of whacking a device to get it working
"siliwood"
The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers;
also "hollywired"
"treeware"
Paper manuals and documentation
"umfriend"
Sexual relationship; "this is Dale, my...um...friend"
"yuppie food coupons"
Twenty dollar bills from an ATM
(
geocities.com/soho/lofts) (
geocities.com/soho)