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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Airport
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were short-tempered. They not
only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from them. So, it was with some amusement that we
(PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a
British Airways 747 (Speedbird).
Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan. Taxi to your gate." The BA 747 pulls onto the main
taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird (cooly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets
out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Bad writing awards
The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the
worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that
Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries.
Some recent winners:
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break
wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied
description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the east wall: "Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre creep."
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism,
was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon --
to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her
from seeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often do."
3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the
meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit
in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE BEST OF ALL:
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along
the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You
lied!"
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Baseball in Heaven
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in
America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in
the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season.
They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first
would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights
later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball
in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you
want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
From Outerspace
=--=
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...
Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system
at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your
star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other
star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will
receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy
reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
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4-Letter Words
---------------------
A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they
got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who
lived a couple of hours away. "Well, darling," said her mom, "How was the
honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic,
we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we got home, Sam began
using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really
terrible 4-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home.
Please Mother!"
And the new bride began to sob over the phone.
"But honey," the mother countered, "what 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! Come get
me, please!!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the
4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, and
cook!!!"
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
There were these three guys stranded on a desert island.
They'd been there a long time, as they had plenty of food and
water, but no way off. One day a big box drifted up to the
shore. They excitedly opened the box, only to find a bunch of
trash and old rags. At the bottom, though, they found a
magic lantern. Remembering the story of Alladin, they rubbed
the lamp furiously, and lo and behold a genie popped out. The
genie was very glad to be out of the lamp and agreed to grant
each of the guys any wish he may desire.
The first guy said, "You know, I was rich and powerful back at
home. I had a multi-million dollar corporation, fast cars,
faster women. I jet-setted all over the world, eating fine
food, drinking fine wine, seeing the world's wonders. My wish
is to return to the life I had."
POOF!! He disappeared.
The second guy said, "Well, I didn't have what that guy has.
I just had a job down at the local gas station. But I have a
beautiful wife, three beautiful and wonderful children - a
really nice and fulfilling life.
My only wish is return to my home."
POOF!! He also disappeared.
Now it was the third guy's turn, "Gosh, I didn't have a life
at all like either of those two. I'm not rich. I'm not
powerful. I'm not married. I'm not anyone's dad. I didn't
even have a job or a girlfriend. My life was pathetic. The
happiest days of my life were spent right here on this island.
You know, my wish is for my two buddies to come back."
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
One day, a man comes home from work
and finds his blonde wife leaning
over the kitchen sink and crying.
He said, "Honey, what's wrong?"
She said between sniffles,
"I...I dropped the ice cubes on the floor,
and then I rinsed them off in hot water,
and now I can't find them."
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Close shave
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is
foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a
close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between
your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow
like everyone else does."
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Tips from Secretaries to Managers:
Enhancing the Relationship
1. Whenever possible, please keep us late. We have no homes to go to
and are only too thankful to spend the evening here.
2. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weather.
Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does
us good.
3. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or
how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you
urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return.
4. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice
your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can
understand what is said more distinctly.
5. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of
people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are
sure to hit the right way sooner or later.
6. Should a letter require a slight alteration after it is typed,
score the word heavily through about four times and write the correct
word beside it, preferably in ink or felt-tip pen. Always make the
alteration on the top copy.
7. Please dictate a paragraph and change your mind, with the
corrected version following, particularly when using dictating
equipment. It adds variety to our typing.
8. Hours for dictation: during the lunch hour, or any time after
4:30 p.m.
9. Should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write
with a blunt pencil using the left hand, and use plenty of arrows,
balloons and other diagrams.
10. Remember when asking us to place a long distance call, you must be
very fast on your feet to get out of the office before the call comes
through.
11. If possible, always pick up your calls on your secretary's
phone. This ensures that we cannot pick up calls for any other
people on our own phones. It also helps keep us company. We miss you
during the day.
12. When you have given us a rush project, be sure to use your
intercom line frequently, or call us at regular intervals of 60
seconds to ask us to get minor items and to go for coffee.
13. If you are being paged, please ignore it. We usually have no
particular reason for wanting to locate you and enjoy hunting you down
or taking messages.
14. Please do interrupt us while we are speaking on the telephone. We
have two ears, so we might as well use both of them at the same time.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Flying
Anyone who flies regularly will appreciate these.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining,
and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's
dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I
really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve
luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the
intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system
that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining
in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop
at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella... WHOA
Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to
confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with
both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally
got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the
time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone was
still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile,
the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to
answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer...
...and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing Much
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of
calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities,
including:
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
***
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of
work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile,
gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the
store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom - I'll show you how."
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
"At The Bar"
Seems that 3 blonde party girls sat down at the bar
in a tavern.
The first blonde tells the bartender, "I'll have a BM."
The bartender taken back asks, "A what?"
She says, "A Bloody Mary, Duh."
The second blonde tells the bar tender, "I'll have a
JC."
Again, the bartender asks, "What is a JC?"
She responds, smacking her lips, "A Jack Daniels and
Coke, Duh!"
The third blonde, asks the bartender for a "fifteen".
The bartender is really puzzled now and asks her what
this means.
The third blonde shakes her head and says, "Of course,
its a seven and seven, Duh!"
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Bees
Two bees ran into each other. One asked the
other how things were going. "Really bad,"
said the second bee, "the weather has been
really wet and damp and there aren't any
flowers or pollen, so I can't make any
honey."
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly
down five blocks and turn left and keep going
until you see all the cars. There's a Bar
Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of
fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and
flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each
other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it
go?"
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was
everything you said if would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked
the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. I
didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No
Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and
protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.
The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage,
is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of US
citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not
possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for
themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. Their
lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end
busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, filling in mail-in
rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic
forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of non-abled
Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the
ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important- sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an
illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based
raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward
mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire
non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one
non-germane worker for every two talented new hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new
measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning
prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What
can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills
that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with
co- workers who have something going for them," said Elaine Gertz, who
lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Cleveland tile
wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new
law should really help people like me."
With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and
millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see a
light at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as
lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American
citizen, regardless of his or her of value to society, some sort of
space to take up in this great nation.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Moishe has been lying ill for weeks. A few days ago he slipped into a coma,
and everyone feared the worst. The family is called. The son from Miami.
The daughter from Bridgewater. The aunts. The uncles. All sit waiting for
the end.
Suddenly a miracle! Moishe opens his eyes. Weakly he motions for his
son to approach so he can hear talk to him. Moishe is weak from the illness
and so his voice is very faint as he says, "I've been ill?" "Yes, papa,"
replies the son with tears choking his voice, "very ill."
The papa nods and speaks again. "I had a dream. I was nearing death
when I suddenly smelled the aroma of your mother's apple strudel. I love that
strudel. As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that strudel is her
masterpiece." He lays back against the pillow weak from the exertion of
speaking.
"What a wonderful dream, papa. But the smell is real. Mama just took
the strudel out of the oven to cool." "A miracle!" cries Moishe as he tries
to rise, and weakly falls against the pillows. He turns to his son and says,
"I'm still too weak to get up. Go to the kitchen and get for me a piece of
Sadie's strudel."
The son obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his father's
request, only to return a few moments later empty handed. He sits again by
his father's side.
Moishe looks at him and says, "Nu? Where is the strudel?" The son
replies, "I'm sorry, papa. Mama says it's for AFTER the funeral!"
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over
a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few
seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was
angry that the man had kicked his lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still
have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did,
I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the
most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of
money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's
bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars.
Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the
same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose
carefully", and so the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate
a kidney."
>>From:
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss,
concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."Early this morning I
got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling
very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go
home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to
relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to
keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The
boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need
anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He
looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He
rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"
"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She
told me that HER mom died too!!"
>>From: "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List"
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked
over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play
since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do
is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and
asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?"
"Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come
on coach, give him another chance!"
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
From: Lori
Subject: :-) International Jokes
* I once had dinner in a German-Chinese restaurant. The food was
delicious, but an hour later, I was hungry for power.
- - - - -
* Many of the world's greatest runners come from Kenya because they
have a unique training program there -- it's called a lion.
- - - - -
* Baseball is big in Japan. The pitchers are among the best in the
world. That's because if they get knocked out of a game, they're
sent to the showers -- with a sword.
- - - - -
* A doctor in a London hospital notices one of his patients has a
swollen ear. He asks the man, "What about this ear ?"
The Cockney replies, "This 'ere what ?"
- - - - -
* Two Aussies were discussing their family trees. The first said,
"Too bad you can't choose your ancestors."
The other smiled and replied, ""Listen Mate, chances are they
wouldn't have chosen you either."
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
From: Lori
Subject: :-) Cat Miracle Diet
CAT MIRACLE DIET
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people.
For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is
the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table
scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat
Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just
follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look
and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con-
stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as
long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your
plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock
the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before
stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on
the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat
one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's
plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the
refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of
it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining
gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock
it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on
the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read
it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part
of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over.
Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house.
Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead.
Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or
beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to
the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug.
Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire
room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's
cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the
closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on
top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is
seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone
else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a
bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl
over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of
legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water.
Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or
partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go
leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag
the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and
then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a
flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in
Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry
and get hard.
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Parents' Dictionary
==============
AMNESIA
condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING
the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the
edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK
the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME
what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS
the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure
you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE
a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT
how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW
the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL
when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF
a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE
what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last
baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK
where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING
when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting
noises.
VERBAL
able to whine in words
WHODUNIT
none of the kids that live in your house
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(This is allegedly from a New York magazine contest where readers take common
foreign phrases, change one letter and give it a new meaning.)
----------------------------------
Convoluted Phrases
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a french motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail.
IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered
J'Y SUIS, J'Y PESTES - I can stay for the weekend
COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore I am a waffle
RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scottish
QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal
LE ROI EST MORT JIVE LE ROI - The King is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown.
MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old
FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat
HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied
QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort
ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know
MAZEL TON - Lots of luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly get wet
PORTE-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine
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THE END
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