How fitting that a new era begin with a new page...(note: original format of my journal had all entries on two pages. This entry began the 2nd page)

Where shall I begin this time, my darklings?...Shall I speak of love, fickle as it is? *sigh* The Gentleman Among Men, alas, was not able to appreciate my glitter, did not embrace my love of the female form, could never expand his consciousness and was very happy on solid ground thankyouverymuch. I have learned from this experience, as one should, that people will try to change themselves to please, without truely being able to do so. I became victim to persuasion as well, and almost lost myself with only the slightest bit of invitation. Strange to think that at this late a date, with all intentions of self-expression and independance guiding me, that I would volunteer myself once again to conformity? But, both of us realizing the potential hazard of the pairing, we brought things down to the level of friendship, and goddess willing, we will keep it there....

I am enamored most recently with middle eastern music. This is not a new love as my collection of sitar, flute, and drum mixtures can attest to, but I have purchased a CD called Eternal Egypt and although the heart of the music is from the 16th century, it has a modern feel, and best of all, is a studio recording. Not that I don't appreciate the "street-feel" of most of my other recordings, but it is very nice to have a polished piece of work to listen to...

My latest "brain wandering" has me focused on religion again. I began, interestingly enough, with great waves of paranoia and fear coupled with excitement, playfulness, desire, adoration. All of this overcame my senses time and time again within only a matter of minutes...seconds even. I felt each emotion with the full vibrance of a pure color, and then it was switched to another. This was in my temple, my holiest of holy's......the club. This place again became my Temple of Expression and everyone in it was their own God moving and existing in this sacred space. I felt energy abundant, non-stop, and endless from every one around me and the overall force of the room. We were all working out every feeling in a frenzy of emotional creation. This, I came to understand, was what Anton Artaud meant by his Theatre of Cruelty in the 1930's. He was spawned out of the absurdist movement of art and theatre, and believed that an absolute bombardment of the senses to a large number of people would create an emotional catharsis which would release us from any emotional restraint. This was to let us indulge in every nasty little emotion to the fullest, enabling us to drain ourselves of them with great force...and then return to society, ready to conform again, to accept the functioning tools of public restraint.

Here before me were a force of youth working out every negative (is there such a thing?) feeling in the temple. Expunging it. Just so they were able to let off steam enough to take the remarks about blue hair with a smile and tell someone for the countless time that yes, that piercing did hurt, ma'am.

This was the beginning of my reflections into the inner workings of the mind as I danced, but it did not end there. I began to wonder what relgion I was after studing what the world had to offer. I came to the conclusion that I identify with Pagan, Taoist, and Buddhist most recognizably. And while the following individualized qualities are present in all 3 religions this is what I seek from each...

I say Pagan because I appreciate the sacredness of Gaia, this Mother Earth. I know a balance must be struck and adaptation is a must. 'Adapt or die'...a mantra for me. I can also work toward making my environment a place where it is not so hard for me to adapt...make it more livable. I do not know to what extent my activism would be in such a cause because many such groups tend to become fanatical cults more concerned with the earth than people, thereby upsetting the balance of humans...not the goal. No instead I would seek to calmly establish the boundaries of nature vs man. Respecting that both need to be maintained while encountering each other, but each has it's own importance, it's own validity. Paganism also allows me to lump in the idolistic worship of such deities that represent the natural presence. To be able to honor the changing of the seasons, respect animal life, recognize the other planets and their effect on earth as well as humans...

I say Taoist because I appreciate the sacredness of certain spaces. A Taoist garden isnot only appreciated for its' beautiful flowers, shrubbery, rock and water placement, but very importantly for the solid mass of space in its' center. The "empty" or "negative" space. Many of us appreciate open spaces vs. crowded areas..and this is partially why. It is that "space" that is the most important to me, the most sacrosanct. I'm not even sure how to put it into words, but it is the same respect one has for holy ground, ancient ruins, your own bedroom, and even an underground club. You recognize, along with other people, that that space is special, it has meaning to you, and is treated differently from other spaces. My club is a sacred space to me...my temple, my place of personal worship and realization. I know that others around me do not hold it in the same regard as me, but they do recognize it as a different space than, say, the parking lot.

And finally, I say Buddhist because I appreciate the sacredness of people. The importance of relating to them, while trying to maintain the balance of self. I truly believe that every human started off with personal value. We all started off as children, babies, who wanted nothing more that love and attention. The determining factor of happiness and functionality in every human life is based on whether we receive these simple but valuable things. There is not a hurting soul (however you may define the term) who is ultimately seeking these things to compensate for the early lack thereof. I still see people as children, fighting for acceptance, for love, for appreciation. I understand why they argue, why the miscommunications, why the sadness, sterness, solitude. I know some of it stems from chemical imbalances as well..I know that first hand, but this is mostly hereditary and while this can be an obsticle, it can be overcome and maintained.

This is religion to me. This is what I believe religion was meant to be and what the origional inspiration for religion was before it became too much about the rituals, icons, rules, and power.

This brings me to my last realization....

My first grand realization happened some years ago in Greece when I came to understand that the purpose of life, the meaning of life, is to be happy. I now have gone to what I believe to be the next level of my spiritual journey...Happiness 102... I believe that my own happiness is realized when I am helping others to realize their own importance, worthiness, and ability to love. I know that I am most happy when healing someone from the pains of neglect. I have always attracted the most desperate of them, and I know from Mr. LaVey that the way to any person's heart is through their ego, but I know that my interest in exploring someone else's pain is not out of a selfish want of some material thing...but to help the person to realize the futility of living in that pain, and how freeing it is to be rid of it...how easy it is too. And to this end I strive. (Sometimes to the point of giving everything of myself in an unhealthy way)

Unfortunately, I don't feel I know what I'm doing. What I end up accomplishing is bringing great comfort and peace to those whose company I am in, but a feeling of loss to those who are no longer physically around me. This is sometimes brings to the surface extremes of jealousy, possessiveness, and anger. I feel like I feed into them..they nourish, and then do not know how to produce those feelings on their own and are forever dependant on me. This leaves me ecceptionally frustrated at the attempt! And I say this not to point fingers at those who must surely read this and wonder if they are one of my psychic vampires...but only to express my need to open the wings of others, dust off the trappings of the past, and allow them to fly...only to find them tenatiously enjoying the view from the nest.

And so...along my journey I go...bringing it all before you, hopefully to your appreciation and education. I wonder with pleasant anticipation about the next 75 years or so in which I plan to exist...such possiblities and realizations to experience.

Until then I will bring them all to you...my dark children.

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