Stunned. I'm in shock. Numb from the neck up, struck too stupid to think. So much has happened over the last few days, it's left me reeling. I'm reminding myself to breathe, my heart to beat.

When I first found out The School had closed, I felt so very alone. No-one would believe me now. I had no way to prove what I said was true. I couldn't find any of the kids or staff, and had pretty well given up upon learning that my only thread to them had been severed. How disorienting to find out that the thing you've put so much effort into hating no longer exists!

And again, today, I feel disoriented. Not really in my body, but rather peering over my own shoulder. I have tracked down -- with the help of a dear net.friend -- two of the kids. I've spoken with them. I know WHY The School closed. And now, I'm frightened, having no idea what to do next.

Should I continue writing the book, knowing that there are real, actual people out there that may see it? Well, I always rather fancied that they'd find my book one day. The problem is, now I've contacted them. They aren't made up people in my head anymore. And what if they aren't as trustworthy and kind as they seem? Will they come after me? Should I say what I truly feel about what happened? Well, I can't very well lie; that won't do me a bit of good. But...but...what if the kids grossly disagree with me? What if I start a whole new ugly war of "she said that you said that I said?" Worse yet, what if they embarrass me by shouting at the top of their lungs to anyone that might listen that I'm lying (even when I'm not)?

Quandary.

Sorry, you probably want to know what I found out.

Did someone get the balls I never had, and sue the place? Yes, a few actually. Did anyone die? Yes, a few actually. Did the staff and counselors have as many or more problems than the kids? Yes, in fact there were instances of staff sexually abusing the minor students, among other things. Does anyone else think they were brainwashing you kids? Yes, nearly all the kids I remember from while I was there share that opinion. Was anyone skimming funds off the top? The bizarre tale seems to indicate something like that. Are the kids as fucked up as you are, Gage? Yes, in fact, they are.

I am not alone. I am not alone. I am not alone.

The sad question of the evening is, though, do I want to jeopardize the friendships I've rekindled with people that appear to so obviously and completely understand me...for a book?

I just don't know.

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