Okay, okay, so you've probably heard these all before, but so what??!!?? ENJOY!!

So the three go to the barn and pretty soon the Hindu comes up to the farmer and says, "I can't sleep there because there are cows there and cows have been slaughtered there and it's inappropriate for me to sleep there." So the farmer finds a place for him in his living room.

A few minutes later the rabbi comes up to the house and says,"I'm sorry but I can't sleep in that barn. There are pigs there and pigs have been slaughtered there and it's against my religion to stay there." So the farmer finds a place for him to sleep in the house.

A few minutes after that, there's a knock on the farmhouse door. When the farmer opens it, all the animals are standing there.

Plato: For the greater good.

Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes also across you.

Jung: The confluence of evenst in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this particular juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurences into being.

Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Buddha: If you ask this question , you deny your own chicken nature.

Dali: The fish.

Epicurus: For fun.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

"It's a condom," says the first old lady. "You can get it at the drugstore." So the old bitty walks to the nearest drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a condom.

He is happy to help, but a little surprised, considering her advanced age. "What size do you want?" he asks. She thinks for a moment and then says "Big enough to fit a Camel."

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for beans. He loved them, but he always had a very embarrasing and somewhat lively reaction to them.

One day he met a girl and fell in love with her. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, " she is such a sweet and gentle girl, that she would never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the supremem sacrifice and gave up the beans. They were married soon after.

Some months later his car broke down on his way home from work, and since they lived in the country he called and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home he passed a small cafe and the odour of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any effects before reaching home, so he stopped in the cafe. Before leaving he had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted and after arriving he had felt reasonably sure that he had putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed, " I have the most wonderfull surprise for your dinner tonight!" She then blindfolded him and lead him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was about to remove the blindfold the teleophone rang. She made him vow that he would not touch the blindfold untill she returned and then went to answer the phone.

Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one side and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him. Things had just about returned to normal, when he felt the urge come on again, so he shifted his weight to the other side and let it rip. This was a true prize winner. While keeping his ear to the phone, he went on like this for about ten minutes. Finally her heard her say 'goodbye', so he quickly placed the napkin in his lap, folded his hands ontop of it and smiled contently to himself. He was the perfect picture of innocence.

When she returned she asked if he had peeked and he siad 'no'. At that point she removed the blindfold and revealed his surprise- twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a birthday party!

Bob is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds a used one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

One day, his girlfriend invites him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new motorcycle to her house, where he finds her outside waiting for him. " No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him, " My family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at the table has to do them."

So, Bob sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. Bob decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her right in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later, he grabs her mother, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a load clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Bob remembers his motorcycle, so he jumps up and grabs his jar of vasoline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, " OKAY! ENOUGH ALREADY! I'LL DO THE DAMN DISHES !!!"